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GIFT  OF 
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Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 

in  2007  with  funding  from 

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BULLS  AND  BLUNDERS 


EDITED  BY 

MARSHALL   BROWN 

H 


"My   dear   boy^''  wrote   an    Irishman    to   his   son,  "never  put  off  till 
to-morrow  what  you  have  done  to-day.'''' 

'"''Don't  go  elsewhere  to  get  robbed — step  right  in   here." — STORE  SIGN. 


o    *        s      >  e 


">     >     *  -) 


SECOND    EDITION 


CHICAGO 

S.  C.  GRIGGS   AND    COMPANY 

1894 


GIFT  OF 

Copyright,  1893 
By  S.    C.  GRIGGS    AND    COMPANY 


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Jlte  ILakcsitif  Prrsg 

R.  R.  DONNELLEY  &  SONS  CO.,  CHICAGO 


PREFACE. 


The  object  of  this  volume  is  to  amuse  and  to  instruct. 
Blundering  arises  from  stupidity,  and  the  stupid  are 
found  the  world  over ;  but  the  hull,  a  peculiarity  that 
belongs  almost  exclusively  to  Ireland,  is  always  con- 
nected with  thought,  and  originates  in  the  imagina- 
tive power  of  its  people.  It  is  not  at  all  a  dull 
absurdity  which  no  one  can  comprehend ;  it  is  always 
comprehensible,  even  when  it  is  most  confused.  It 
proceeds,  not  from  the  want,  but  the  superabundance  of 
ideas,  which  crowd  one  another  so  fast  in  an  Irishman's 
brain  that  they  get  jammed  together,  so  to  speak,  in  the 
door-way  of  his  speech,  and  can  only  tumble  out  in  their 
ordinary  disorder.  For  example,  in  the  opinion  of  an 
Irish  philosopher,  ''The  only  way  to  prevent  what 
is  past  is  to  put  a  stop  to  it  before  it  happens." 

The  instructive  mission  of  the  volume  is  to  illustrate 
the  rule  that  ''A  sentence  must  be  lucid  in  order 
and  logical  in  sequence."  "A  great  commander,"  says 
Dr.  Hodgson,  "must  know  how  to  pick  his  recruits,  to 
drill  them,  and  to  handle  them  when  drilled;  but  he 
must  still  have  something  more,  generalship;  and  what 
generalship  is  in  a  commander,  that  clearness  of 
thought  and  expression  is  in  a  writer.      A  sentence,  in 

M92323 


2  ,Ji^4-L&   Alkjy   BLUNDERS. 

; -A  ii^yati^»45'sp'aiteb  o£  tlie -last  century  from  the  west 
coast  of' Africa  ^pissvksv  of  fi  native  vessel  which  was 
*' entirely  manned  by  women."  It  was  a  Scotchman 
who  described  a  very  square  and  thick-set  man  as  being 
"just  as  broad  as  he  was  narrow."  It  was  a  Scotch- 
man who,  at  a  public  meeting,  gravely  propounded  a 
scheme  for  increasing  the  British  revenue  by  "laying 
the  dog  tax  on  cats."  It  was  an  Englishman  who  said 
of  Napoleon  that  "he  might  have  been  a  better  man  if 
he  had  not  been  quite  so  bad;"  and  it  was  also  an 
Englishman  who  declared  that  "the  best  way  to  walk 
down  the  Thames  to  London  was  to  go  in  a  boat." 

The  French  school  teacher  who,  in  a  fit  of  rage, 
threatened  to  send  all  his  pupils  to  the  foot  of  the 
class,  was  fully  equalled  by  the  English  school  boy, 
who,  after  correctly  stating  that  the  customary  mode 
of  saluting  an  ancient  Persian  king  was  to  exclaim, 
"  O,  king,  live  forever!"  added,  on  his  own  author- 
ity, "and  ijnmediately  the  king  lived  forever.'^''  But 
even  these  "prize  bulls"  are  completely  eclipsed  by 
others  which  have  come  within  the  range  of  my  own 
personal  experience.  I  have  seen  in  an  English  provin- 
cial newspaper  the  announcement  that  "the  cabman  who 
was  killed  last  Thursday  is  now  dead."  I  once  heard  a 
man  speak  of  having  watched  a  haunted  house  till  mid- 
night, "expecting  every  moment  the  appearance  of  an 
invisible  spirit;"  and  another  man  remarked,  alluding  to 
his  sufferings  while  wedged  in  a  crowd  at  the  door  of  a 
concert  hall,  that  "he  would  rather  walk  fifty  miles 
than  stand  five.'''' — Harper's  Drawer. 

Chemistry — A  chemist  inquires,  "Will  the  gentle- 
man who  left  his  stomach  for  analysis  please  call  and 
get  it,  together  with  the  result  ?  " 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  3 

Danger  —  The  best  way  to  avoid  danger  is  to  meet 

it  plump. SIR    BOYLE    ROCHE. 

On  Fire  —  *' Hurry  up,  Mrs.  Milligan  !  Your  house 
is  on  fire  and  a-burning  up."  "I  know  better,  you 
rascal !  You  can't  fool  me.  The  door  is  locked  and  Oi 
have  the  kay  in  me  pocket." 

Under    Oath  —  Attorney    to    witness:     "Do    you 
solemnly  swear  that  you  never  saw  a  sheep  under  oath  .^" 
Witness  :     "  Yes,  sir,  I  never  saw  one  under  oath^ 

Ambiguity  —  A  quality  deemed  essentially  neces- 
sary to  the  clear  understanding  of  diplomatic  writings, 
acts  of  parliament,  and  law  proceedings. — Tin  Trumpet. 

Regrets —  We  regret  to  find  that  the  announce- 
ment of  the  death  of  Mr.  W.  is  a  malicious  fabrication. 
— Belfast  Paper. 

A  Difficult  Prescription  —  Doctor:  "Well,  Den- 
nis, did  you  take  the  pills  I  sent  you  ?  " 

Dennis:  "Indade,  docthor,  an' I  did  not;  ye  wrote 
on  the  box  <  one  pill  three  times  a  day,'  and  I've  bin 
waitin'  till  I  see  you  to  ask  you  how  a  man  was  to  take 
a  little  bit  of  a  pill  loike  that  three  times  in  wan  day!" 
— Harperh  Weekly. 

Legal  Clearness —  "My  good  woman,"  said  the 
learned  judge,  "you  must  give  an  answer  in  the  fewest 
possible  words  of  which  you  are  capable,  to  the  plain 
and  simple  question  whether,  when  you  were  crossing 
the  street  with  the  baby  on  your  arm,  and  the  omnibus 
was  coming  down  on  the  right  side  and  the  cab  on  the  left 


4:  BULW  AND   BLUNDERS. 

and  the  broughamf  was  trying  to  pass  the  omnibus,  you 
saw  the  plaintiff  between  the  brougham  and  the  cab,  or 
whether,  and  when  youosaw  him  at  all,  and  whether  or 
not  near  the  brougham,  cab,  and  omnibus,  or  either,  or 
any  two,  and  which  of  them  respectively,  or  how  it 
was?" 

A  farmer  near  Bristol,  Pa. ,  has  gathered  twenty-six 
pippins  from  an  apple  tree  weighing  twenty-six  and  one- 
half  pounds.  —  JVeio  England  Paper.  ("From  an 
apple  tree"  sht)uld  follow  "gathered.") 

Suicide  —  An  Irishman  recently  spoke  of  a  man  who 
had  tried  in  every  way,  but  couldrCt  commit  suicide  to 
save  his  life. 

Drinking  and  Working — "When  I  drink  much  I 
can't  work,  and  so  I  let  it  alone."  "The  drinking?" 
"No,  the  working." — Fliegende  Blaetter. 

Look — There  is  one  store  in  town  where  the  propri- 
etor charges  ninety-seven  cents  to  look,  or  at  least  that 
impression  is  conveyed  by  a  sign  in  the  window,  which 
reads,    "Look,  97  cents." — Rutland  Herald. 

O'Brien's  Death  ^ — Mrs.  Murphy  :  "An' sure,  Mrs. 
O'Brien,  did  your  poor  man  die  aisy  ?  "  Mrs.  O'Brien  : 
"Indade  not,  Mrs.  Murphy,  it  nearly  kilt  poor  Pat  to 
die." 

A  Temperance  Meeting  —  A  reporter  in  describing 
a  teetotal  meeting  said  that  "they  had  a  most  harmoni- 
ous and  profitable  session,  and  retired  full  of  the  best 
spirits." 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS^  6 

Some  English  Bulls  —  A  correspondent  of  the  Lo7i- 
don  Spectator  reprints  the  following  literary  *' bulls,, 
culled  from  English  newspapers : 

To  investigate  the  question  would  lead  us  too 
deeply  into  the  dry  and  troubled  waters  of  moral  phil- 
osophy. 

Several  chimneys  fell,  burying  the  inmates  in  the 
ruins. 

A  row  of  cottages  fell,  but  fortunately  the  inmates 
were  all  out. 

Hard  on  Willie — "Willie,  I  am  going  to 
Heaven,"  she  wrote,  <'and  you  will  never  see  me 
again." 

A  Coroner's  Jury  —  Upon  a  man  whose  body  was 
found  in  a  river,  a  coroner's  j  ury  in  Ireland  returned  the 
verdict  that  the  individual  came  to  his  death  by  a  blow 
on  the  head,  ''which  was  given  either  before  or  after 
drowning." 

Compensation  was  given  to  the  families  of  those 
who  suffered  in  that  explosion  hy  loorkmenh  societies.- — 
English  paper.     (Italics  should  follow  "given.") 

Metaphysics —  A  Scotch  blacksmith's  definition  of 
metaphysics  is,  "When  the  pairty  wha  listens  disna 
ken  what  the  jjairty  wha  speaks  meens,  and  when  the 
pairty  wha  speaks  disna  ken  what  he  meens  himsel,  that 
is  metaphysics." 

A  Gushing  Editor — A  gushing  but  ungrammatical 
editor  says,  "We  have  received  a  basket  of  fine  grapes 
from  our  friend,  Mr.  Tompkins,  for  which  he  will  please 


6  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

accept  our  compliments,  some  of  which  are  nearly  two 
inches  in  diameter." 

Sir  Richard  Steele  —  It  was  Sir  Richard  Steele 
who  said,  when  inviting  an-  English  nobleman  to  visit 
him,  "  If  you  ever  come  within  a  mile  of  my  house,  I 
hope  you  will  stop  there." 

Unfortunate  Family  —  Bridget :  "  Father,  I  have 
lost  my  jjlace  ;  I  am  accused  of  stealing  from  the  wash." 

O'Toole:    * 'Well,  I'll  be  hanged." 

Bridget  :  *'Is  that  so?  We're  a  poor,  unfortunate 
family." — Harper^ s  JBazar. 

What  He  Died  of  —  During  the  j^revalence  of  the 
cholera  in  Ireland,  a  soldier,  hurry iif§  irito'the  mess-room, 
told  his  commanding  officer  that  his  brother  had  been 
carried  off  two  days  before  by  a  fatal  malady,  expressing 
his  apprehensions  that  the  whole  regiment  would  be  ex- 
posed to  a  similar  danger  in  the  course  of  the  following 
week.  *'Good  heavens  !"  ejaculated  the  officer,  ''what 
then  did  he  die  of?"  "  Why,  your  honor,  he  died  of 
a  Tuesday." 

A  Question  of  Time  —  Barber:  "Do  you  shave 
yourself  all  the  time  f  " 

Customer:     "No;  I  stop  occasionally  for  meals." 

Bridget  McN's  Situation  —  A  lady  lately  come 
from  Ireland  desires  a  position  as  a  cook,  housemaid, 
waitress,  or  general  servant  in  a  respectable  family. 
Any  mistress  desirous  of  securing  her  services  must  ap- 
ply in  person  between  three  and  four  o'clock  to-morrow, 
when  the  lady  will  be  at  home  and  disengaged.     A  good 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  ^  7 

discharge  from  last  servant  indispensable,  as  she  is  very 
particular  about  her  Mrs.'  character.  Address  B.  M'N 
etc. — iVi   Y.  Paper. 

Inconsistencies  and  Ambiguities  —  It  seems,  in 
a  considerable  measure,  owing  to  the  great  tendency  of 
our  language  to  idiomatic  expressions,  that  our  English 
is  so  much  infested  with  anomalies.  Under  this  head  a 
late  number  of  a  new  magazine  has  an  entertaining 
article  on  the  inconsistencies  and  ambiguities  of  the 
English  language,  from  which  we  take  the  following 
extracts  : 

<^Show  me  a  fire,"  said  a  traveler  to  the  landlord, 
"for  I  am  very  wet  ;  and  bring  me  a  mug  of  ale,  for  I 
am  very  dry." 

"  You  walk  very  slow,"  said  a  man  to  a  consump- 
tive.     "Yes,"  he  replied,  "but  I  am  going  very  fast." 

Breaking  both  wings  of  an  army  is  almost  certain  to 
make  it  fly  ;  a  general  may  win  the  day  in  a  battle 
fought  at  night ;  a  lawyer  may  convey  a  house,  and  yet 
be  unable  to  lift  a  hundred  pounds  ;  a  room  may  be  full 
of  married  meu,  and  not  have  a  single  man  in  it;  a  trav- 
eler who  is  detained  an  hour  or  two  may  recover  most  of 
the  time  by  making  a  minute  of  it ;  a  man  killed  in  a 
duel  has  at  least  one  second  to  live  after  he  is  dead;  a 
fire  goes  out,  and  does  not  leave  the  room  ;  a  lady  may 
wear  a  suit  out  the  first  day  she  gets  it,  and  put  it  away 
at  night  in  as  good  condition  as  ever  ;  a  schoolmaster 
with  no  scholar  may  yet  have  a  pupil  in  his  eye ;  the 
bluntest  man  in  business  is  generally  the  sharpest  one  ; 
Ananias,  it  is  said,  told  a  lie,  and  yet  he  was  borne  out 
by  the  by-standers  ;  caterpillars  turn  over  a  new  leaf 
without  much  moral  improvement ;  oxen  can  only  eat  corn 
with  the  mouth,  yet  you  may  give  it  to  them   in  the 


8  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

ear  ;  food  bolted  down  is  not  the  most  likely  to  remain 
on  the  stomach  ;  soft  water  is  often  caught  when  it  rains 
hard ;  high  words  between  men  are  frequently  low 
words  ;  steamboat  officers  are  very  pleasant  company, 
and  yet  we  are  always  glad  to  have  them  give  us  a  wide 
berth  ;  a  nervous  man  is  trembling,  faint,  weak,  while 
a  nervous  style  and  a  man  of  nerve  is  strong,  firm,  and 
vigorous. — MACBETH,    Might    and  Mirth  of  Literature. 

I  could  see  that  the  floor  had  been  swept  with  half  an 
eye.      (Italics  should  follow  "  see.") 

We  have  done  our  best  to  put  this  question  plainly, 
and  we  think  that,  if  the  Westminster  Reviewer  will 
read  over  what  we  have  written  twice  or  thrice  vnth  pa- 
tience and  attention,  some  glimpse  of  our  meaning  will 
break  in  even  on  his  mind. —  macaulay.  Miscellaneous 
Writings.     (Italics  should  follow  "over.") 

Average — "How  many  visitors  do  you  have  a  day, 
on  an  average?  "  asked  a  lady  of  the  custodian  at  a  pub- 
lic resort.  "Ain't  no  average,"  he  replied;  "some 
days  there's  more  and  some  less." 

Value  of  Small  Words  — "  If  a  man  followed  the 
directions  of  a  street-car  company,"  said  Jones,  "he 
would  never  enter  one  of  its  cars.  Once  in,  paradoxi- 
cally, he  would  never  leave  it.  Just  read  that  sign;  it 
says,  *  Passengers  are  forbidden  to  enter  or  leave  this 
car  while  in  motion.'  Now,  how  in  the  name  of  Lind- 
ley  Murray  can  a  passenger  do  otherwise  than  get  in  mo- 
tion, while  leaving  or  entering  a  street-car?  The  sign  is 
one  uf  the  grossest  illustrations  of  barbarous  syntax  I 
have  seen  in  many  a  mile  traveled.     The  pronoun  'it'  is 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  9 

wanting.  It  should  read,  *  Passengers  are  forbidden  to 
enter  or  leave  this  car  while  it  is  in  motion.'  '  It '  and 
<  is  '  are  two  short  words,  and  it  would  cost  but  little  to 
paint  them  in.     As  it  is,  the  sign  is  not  grammatical." 

Hissed  from  the  Hustings — An  Irish  nobleman  of 
talents  and  literature  was  hissed  from  the  hustings  at  a 
Middlesex  election,  because  in  his  speech  he  happened  to 
say,  *' We  have  laid  the  root  to  the  axe  of  the  tree  of 
liberty,"  instead  of  "  We  have  laid  the  axe  to  the  root 
of  the  tree." 

Stupidity  —  A  stupid  boy  was  sent  to  see  if  the 
butcher  had  pig's  feet.  Upon  his  return  be  said  he 
couldn't  see;  the  butcher  had  his  shoes  on. 

Highland  Waiter  —  to  tourist  inquiring  about  the 
next  boat:  "  Weel,  I  canna  jist  say  whit  time  it  wull 
be,  but  if  ye'U  leave  five  meenits  before  ye  see  the  boat 
coming  roon  the  p'int,  ye'U  jist  be  in  time  ta  catch  it." 

Tourist:  *'A11  right,  Donald;  but  I'm  a  bit  short- 
sighted; so  if  you  will  tell  me  ten  minutes  before  you 
see  it  yourself,  I  will  give  you  a  shilling." 

Nobody  could  expect  the  church  to  resign  that 
spiritual  independence  which  it  holds  essential  to  relig- 
ion, and  which  till  now  was  never  doubted,  loithout  a 
struggle.  —  henry  cockburn  (Italics  should  follow 
**  resign.") 

Simultaneous — ''You  say  you  heard  both  shots 
fired?"  asked  a  Texas  lawyer,  who  was  cross-examining 
a  witness  in  a  murder  case.  ' '  Yes,  sah ;  I  heard  bof e 
shots.     Dey  was  fired  simultaneously,  sah."     "Are  you 


10  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

sure  of  it?  "  *'  Yes,  sab;  bofe  ob  'em  was  fired  simul- 
taneously. I  wasn't  more  dan  forty  feet  off  atde  time." 
"But  on  tbe  direct  examination  you  swore  the  shots 
were  fired  one  after  another,  and  now  you  say  they  were 
fired  simultaneously."  '*  So  day  was,  sah  ;  one  after 
an  udder,  simultaneous  like." 

Mediocrity  —  One  of  the  Hamilton  pupils,  a  young 
negro,  wrote  to  request  the  editor  of  a  local  paper  to 
publish  an  account  of  an  address  he  had  made,  and  began 
his  letter  as  follows  :  *'  Knowing  your  mediocrity  to  be 
of  the  most  distinguished  calibre,  I  respectfully  solicit," 
etc. 

No  one  who  wishes  to  see  the  trend  of  public  opin- 
ion at  a  glance  can  afford  to  be  without  the  paper. 
(Italics  should  follow  "  see.") 

Parisian  Inscription  — To  the  everlasting  memory 
of  Marie  Ferry. 

The  railing  around  this  grave  is  the  handiwork  of 
her  bereaved  husband,  Pierre  Ferry,  blacksmith,  who 
will  execute  all  orders  of  a  similar  nature  with  cheapness 
and  dispatch. —  Chambers''   Journal. 

Epitaph  —  Erected  to  the  memory  of  John  Phil- 
lijis,  accidentally  shot  as  a  mark  of  affection  by  his 
brother. —  Ulster  Churchyard. 

Humor  in  the  School  —  School  examinations  and 
composition  writing  produce  funny  results  the  world 
over.  An  Austrian  teacher,  Herr  Gruser,  has  recently 
published,  in  Vienna,  a  book  called  ' '  Humor  in  the 
School,"  which  is  made  up  of  instances  of  blunders  col- 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  11 

lected  in  the  Austrian  schools.  The  mind  of  the  Aus- 
trian public  school  pupil,  judging  from  the  instances 
contained  in  this  book,  is  of  a  peculiarly  limpid  and  art- 
less character.  In  an  examination  in  history  a  pupil 
was  asked, 

**  How  many  Coalition  wars  can  you  name?  " 

*<Four,"  he  answered. 

*<Name  them." 

<'  The  first,  the  second,  the  third,  and  the  fourth." 

A  student  of  natural  history,  treating  of  the  hiberna- 
tion of  animals,  said  that  ''the  marmot  sleeps  so  soundly 
in  the  winter  that  he  does  not  even  awaken  if  he  is  struck 
dead." 

Charging  THE  Jury  —  A  newly-elected  colored  jus- 
tice in  South  Carolina  was  hearing  his  first  case.  When 
the  jury  arose  and  began  moving  toward  the  adjoining 
room  for  consultation,  one  of  the  lawyers  interposed  and 
said,  "  May  it  please  your  honor,  you  have  not  charged 
the  jury." 

Whereupon  the  justice  gathered  up  himself,  and  with 
all  possible  dignity  said, 

"  Gen'men  of  dis  jury,  as  dis  is  de  fust  time  I  have 
had  you  befo'  me,  I  cha'ge  each  one  of  you  one  dollah 
and  a  half." 

Questionable  Encouragement  —  He,  exhibiting 
sketch:  "  It's  the  best  thing  I  ever  did."  She,  sympa- 
thetically :  "  Oh,  well,  you  mustn't  let  that  discourage 
you." 

Ears  to  Ear — A  Bible,  published  by  the  Oxford 
Press  in  1810,  has  this  curious  verse,  "Who  hath  ears 
to  ear,  let  him  hear." 


12  BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

The  author  of  an  essay  on  the  <'Uses  of  Animals" 
asserted  that  "the  horse  is  serviceable  to  man  by  his 
swiftness.  How  many  brave  soldiers  owe  their  lives  to 
the  swiftness  with  which  their  horses  have  carried  them 
away  from  battle-fields  !  " 

Mixed  Oratory  —  *'I  repeat  it,"  continued  Mr. 
Gubbins,  **Mr.  Chairman,  sir,  I  repeat  it !  What  the 
country  wants  is  fewer  men  !  (renewed  applause)  and  I 
will  add,  more  of  them."     (Loud  and  prolonged  cheer- 

Leads  the  World  —  Gentleman  :  '  *  Where  is  your 
master,  Patrick  ?  He  was  to  have  met  me  here  at  nine 
o'clock,  and  it  is  now  half  an  hour  after  that."  P:  '*  You 
don't  know  him,  sir."  G:  '<  Why,  is  he  apt  to  be  late 
in  his  appointments?"  P:  "Late,  is  it?  Bedad,  in 
bein'  hehoind  hand  he  lades  the  worruld." 

HiBERNiANiSMS — Amoug  bulls  of  recent  origin  is  one 
of  an  Irish  gardener,  who,  being  in  no  sense  in  love 
with  his  labors,  forcibly  observed  that  "Av  Oi  wasn't 
paid  for  doin'  this  worruk,  Oi  wudn't  do  it  av  ye  paid 
me." 

The  ambition  to  desert  the  fields  in  which  he  had  for 
a  long  time  labored  led  the  same  individual  to  seek  pre- 
ferment in  the  post-office,  the  position  he  had  in  view 
being  that  of  a  carrier. 

"  But,  Mike,"  said  his  employer,  for  whose  influence 
he  had  applied,  "you  cannot  read." 

"Thrue,  sorr,"  replied  the  gardener;  "but  Oi 
thought  that  phwat  wid  the  letthers  an'  posthals  corain' 
an'  goin',  Oi'd  not  be  long  alearnin'." 

A  number   of   patriotic   sons   of   Erin   were   seated 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  13 

around  a  table  one  night  discussing  a  little  of  every- 
thing, when  one  of  them  began  a  lamentation  over  a 
light-weight  silver  dollar  he  had  in  his  pocket. 

*'Th'  hid  an'  th'  tail's  worn  down  that  foine  ye 
wouldn't  know  th'  hid  from  th'  tail,  if  it  wasn't  that  th' 
bid's  always  on  th'  other  soide." 

Dunce  —  A  school  teacher  spent  a  long  time  in  mak- 
ing one  of  his  boys  understand  a  very  simple  matter,  and 
then,  to  relieve  his  mind,  said,  "If  it  wasn't  for  me 
you  would  be  the  biggest  dunce  in  town." 

Broken  Metaphors  —  The  Term  Reports,  when 
they  use  the  very  language  of  Lord  Kenyon,  often  con- 
tain a  series  of  broken  metaphors..  For  example,  "If 
an  individual  can  break  down  any  of  those  safe  guards 
which  the  Constitution  has  so  wisely  and  so  cautiously 
erected,  hy  x>oi8oning  the  minds  of  the  jury  at  a  time 
when  they  are  called  upon  to  decide,  he  will  stab  the  ad- 
ministration of  justice  in  its  most  vital  parts." — heard. 
Oddities  of  the  Laio. 

The  Board  of  Education  has  resolved  to  erect  a 
building  large  enough  to  accommodate  five  hundred 
students  three  stories  high. —  Wisconsin  Paper. 

Fearfully  and  Wonderfully  Made — Jones,  the 
other  day,  while  looking  at  the  skeleton  of  a  donkey, 
made  a  very  natural  quotation.  "Ah,"  said  he,  "we 
are  fearfully  and  wonderfully  made." 

By  no  Means  the  Same  —  A  great  deal  depends 
upon  the  way  in  whioh  some  words  are  used.  A  Ger- 
man who  applied   to  a  New  York   business   house  for 


14  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

employment,  recommended  himself  thus:  <'The  capac- 
ity in  which  I  like  best  to  earn  my  living,  and  the  one  in 
which  I  am  most  able,  is  that  of  a  confidence  man."  He 
meant  "confidential  man,"  and  his  mistake  was  rather 
alarming  to  those  to  whom  he  wrote. 

A  Funeral  Sermon  —  A  clergyman,  preaching  a 
funeral  sermon  while  the  corpse  lay  before  him,  ex- 
claimed, "Here,  brethren,  we  have  before  us  a  living 
witness  and  a  standing  monument  of  the  frailty  of  human 
hopes ! " 

Very  Sick — "Well,  Misther  McPhelim,  how'd  ye 
schlape  last  night?"  "Ah,  bhad,  Denny,  bhad  !  Un- 
conscious a  good  dale  of  the  toime." — Harper'' s  Bazar. 

The  Fallacy  of  Accent  —  The  fallacy  of  accent 
consists  in  any  ambiguity  arising  from  a  misplaced  ac- 
cent or  emphasis  thrown  upon  some  word  of  a  sentence. 
A  ludicrous  instance  is  liable  to  occur  in  reading  Chap- 
ter XIII .  of  the  First  Book  of  Kings,  verse  27,  where  it 
is  said  of  the  prophet,  "And  he  spoke  to  his  sons,  saying. 
Saddle  me  the  ass,  and  they  saddled  him."  —  jevons, 
Logic. 

One  of  the  Finest  —  Some  of  the  errors  made  by 
witnesses  are  very  amusing.  A  policeman  said,  in  speak- 
ing of  his  use  of  the  mace,  "I  am  willing  to  be  contra- 
dicted, your  Honor,  but  not  altogether;  the  law  must  be 
dedicated;  give  him  justice  tampered  with  mercy." 

"Nearly  four  hundred  people  committed  suicide  this 
year  on  account  of  the  v^eather.^''  (And  it  did  not  im- 
prove the  weather  a  particle.) — Burlington  Hawheye. 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  15 

Badly  Put — "It's  very  kind  of  you,  old  fellow,  to 
come  down  to  see  me  off."  "Not  at  all,  Bolus,  I'm 
only  too  glad  to  do  it." —  The  Epoch. 

Mr.  Carlyle  has  taught  us  that  silence  is  golden  in 
thirty  volumes. — Fortnightly  Heview.  (Italics  should 
follow  "us.") 

Typographical  —  Sometimes  mistakes  have  been 
made  by  the  officiousness  of  the  printer  or  proof-reader 
in  endeavoring  to  correct  what  seemed  to  him  mistakes 
in  the  copy.  In  a  quotation  of  Gay's  well-known  allu- 
sion to  Martha  and  Theresa  Blount  as  "the  fair-haired 
Martha  and  Theresa  brown,"  the  printer  thought  proper 
to  supply  brown  with  a  capital  B.  Again  in  Pope's  note 
on  "Measure  for  Measure,"  which  states  that  the  story 
was  taken  from  Cinthio,  Dec.  8,  Nov.  5  ( eighth  decade 
and  fifth  novel),  the  wise  typo  filled  out  these  abbrevia- 
tions so  that  they  read  December  8,  November  5. 

The  mere  running  together  of  two  sentences  into  one 
paragraph  may  also  be  productive  of  unintentional  amuse- 
ment. A  French  newspaper  had  a  good  specimen  of  this 
kind  of  mixture,  "Dr.  X.  has  been  appointed  head 
physician  to  the  Hospital  de  la  Charite;  orders  have 
been  issued  by  the  authorities  for  the  immediate  exten- 
sion of  the  Oimetiere  de  Parnasse." 

The  machine  printer,  or  "blacksmith,"  as  he  is 
technically  called,  is  a  familiar  figure  in  every  printing 
oftice.  It  is  he  who  makes  a  hurried  guess  at  the  copy 
before  him  without  caring  whether  it  makes  sense  or 
not;  who  substitutes  'comic'  for  'cosmic  ;'  'human'  for 
'known;'  'plant'  for  'planet;'  'I  am  better'  for  'Gam- 
betta;'  'no  cows,  no  cream'  for  'no  cross,  no  crown;' 
and  '  shaving  the  queen  '  for  '  shoving  the  queer.'     This 


16  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

is  the  sort  of  printer  who  made  a  distinguished  traveler 
die  *'  in  the  richness  of  sin  "  instead  of  "  the  interior  of 
Asia,"  and  who  described  a  Chicago  exquisite  as  one 
^' whose  manners  would  alarm  a  drowning  man,"  when 
what  the  writer  really  said  was  that  "  they  would  adorn 
a  drawing-room." — Monthly  Illustrated  American. 

Water  Rates  —  An  Irishman,  pressed  by  the  col- 
lector of  a  water  company  for  payment  of  the  water  rate, 
replied,  "Sure,  I  pay  tin  shillings  a  year  for  water, 
and  many's  the  day  it's  off  for  a  whole  wake." 

Prohibition  —  The  prohibitionist  who  wished  to 
say  that  "  drunkenness  is  folly"  must  have  been  seriously 
disconcerted  when  the  printer  made  him  announce  that 
"drunkenness  is  jolly,"  and  we  know  that  an  editor  who 
wished  to  compliment  a  soldier  as  "a  battle-scarred  vet- 
eran "  was  so  deeply  grieved  when  he  found  the  types 
had  made  him  speak  of  "  a  battle-scared  veteran"  that 
the  next  day  he  inserted  an  apology  and  an  erratum 
which  read,  "the  bottle-scarred  veteran. 


?? 


A  Preventive  Policy — Mrs.  McGinty  :  "  Did  yez 
say  yer  Denny's  loife  is  not  insured  ? "  Mrs.  O'Raf- 
ferty  :  "Nawindade."  Mrs.  McGinty  :  "  Bedad,  an' 
him  a  workin'  on  th'  rocks  wid  th'  blasths  an'  things. 
Shure,  Moike  has  his  loife  insured,  or  bedad,  many's  the 
toime  he'd  been  kilt  long  ago." 

A  Foolish  Question  —  Emj^loyer :  ' '  Well,  Patrick, 
which  is  the  bigger  fool,  you  or  I?"  "Faith,  I 
couldn't  say,  sorr  ;  but  it's  not  meself." 

In  the  English  House  of  Commons  :     A  w^itness  had 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  17 

been  ordered  to  withdraw  from  the  bar  of  the  House,  in 
consequence  of  being  intoxicated  by  the  motion  of  an 
honorable  member.  (Read,  *'In  consequence  of  being 
intoxicated,  the  witness,  by  the  motion  of  an  honorable 
member,  had,"  etc.) 

Punctuation  —  Mind  your  stops  is  a  good  rule  in 
writing  as  well  as  in  riding.     So  in  public  speaking,  it 
is  a  great  thing  to  know  when  to  stop  and  where  to  stop. 
The  third  edition  of  a  treatise  on  English  punctuation 
has  been  recently  published,  with  all  needful  rules  for 
writers,  but  none   for  speakers.     The  author  furnishes 
the  following  example  of  the  unintelligible,  produced  by 
the  want  of  pauses  in  the  right  places. 
"Every  lady  in  this  land 
Hath  twenty  nails  upon  each  hand; 
Five  and  twenty  on  hands  and  feet. 
And  this  is  true,  without  deceit." 
If  the  present  points  be  removed  and  others  inserted 
the  true  meaning  of  the  passage  will  at  once  appear. 
*' Every  lady  in  this  land 
Hath  twenty  nails;  upon  each  hand 
Five;  and  twenty  upon  hands  and  feet. 
And  this  is  true  without  deceit." 

—  Harper's  Drawer. 

Mending — "Well,  Mistress  Robin,  'ow  'ave'ye 
been  busying  yerself  ?  "  "  Oh,  Murry,  man  ;  I've  been 
mendin' the  whole  day."  "No,  ye 'aven't ;  for,  don't 
ye  see,  if  the  day  was  whole  it  wouldn't  need  mendin'." 

At  Sea  —  A  lady,  whose  husband  was  about  making 
a  sea  voyage,  wrote  a  note  to  her  minister  to  read  on  the 
Sabbath,  in  which   she  meant  to  say,    "A  member  of 


18  BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

this  congregation,  going  to  sea,  his  wife  desires  prayers 
for  his  safety."  Instead  of  reading  it  thus,  it  was  read 
as  follows:  "A  member  of  this  congregation,  going  to 
see  his  wife,  desires  prayers  for  his  safety." 

We  have  two  schoolrooms  sufficiently  large  to  ac- 
commodate three  hundred  pupils  one  above  another. — 
Western  Paper.    (Italics  should  follow  *' schoolrooms.") 

Too  Much  Noise  —  An  Irish  officer  had  the  mis- 
fortune to  be  dreadfully  wounded  in  battle.  As  he  lay 
on  the  ground,  an  unfortunate  soldier  who  was  near 
him,  and  who  was  also  severely  wounded,  made  a  terrible 
howling,  when  the  officer  exclaimed,  ''  Confound  you  ! 
what  do  you  make  such  a  noise  for  ?  Do  you  think 
there  is  nobody  killed  but  yourself  ?  " 

A  Remarkable  Prayer  —  A  Presbyterian  minister, 
in  the  reign  of  King  William  III.-,  performing  public 
worship  in  the  Tron  Church  of  Edinburgh,  used  this  re- 
markable expression  in  his  prayer,  "Lord  have  mercy 
upon  all  fools  and  idiots,  and  particularly  upon  the 
Town  Council  of  Edinburgh." 

Humor  of  the  Court  Room — At  the  general  term 
in  the  fourth  department  of  New  York,  Mr.  Benedict, 
in  arguing  the  Weismiller  case,  referred  to  the  great 
mass  of  testimony  contained  in  the  printed  case,  and 
said,  "There  are  a  great  many  very  important  ques- 
tions of  fact  in  this  case.  It  would  be  impossible  to 
make  your  Honors  understand  them  all ;  and  for  that 
reason,  also,  we  ask  that  the  non-suit  be  set  aside,  and 
that  the  case  be  submitted  to  the  judgment  of  twelve 
intelligent  men." 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  19 

Similar  to  this  was  the  statement  made  by  Mr.  Max- 
son,  in  submitting  to  the  jury  the  case  of  Tucker 
against  Ely,  in  the  Monroe  County  Court,  before  the 
late  Judge  Morgan.  He  said,  "The  plaintiff  and  the 
defendant  are  both  lawyers  ;  all  the  witnesses  who  have 
been  sworn  in  the  case  are  lawyers;  the  counsel,  of  course, 
are  lawyers  ;  in  fact,  every  one  in  any  way  connected  with 
the  case  is  a  respectable  member  of  the  bar  of  this 
county,  with  the  single  exception  of  His  Honor  on 
the  bench." 

Before  Judge  Danforth's  elevation  to  the  bench,  he 
was  at  one  time  trying  an  important  case  before  the  late 
Judge  Johnson,  at  Rochester.  After  a  very  lengthy 
cross-examination  of  an  old  lady,  he  was  interrupted  by 
the  judge  with  the  remark,  "  I  think  you  have  ex- 
hausted this  witness,  Mr.  Danforth."  ''Yes,  judge," 
she  exclaimed,  "I  do  feel  very  much  exhausted." — The 
Stenographer, 

Typography  —  The  prospectus  of  an  edition  of  the 
Waverley  Novels  reads,  "The  aim  of  the  publishers  has 
been  to  make  it  pre-eminent,  by  beauty  of  topography 
and  illustration." 

Transposition —  It  was  simply  a  mental  transposi- 
tion of  syllables  that  made  the  actor  exclaim, 

"My  Lord,  stand  back  and  let  the  parson  cough" 
instead  of,  "My  Lord,  stand  back  and  let  the  coffin 
pass." — WHEATLEY,  Literary  Bhmders. 

Sign-Boards — Sign-boards  sometimes  make  strange 
appeals  to  us.  In  New  Orleans,  some  years  ago,  was 
one  which  announced,  "A  Poor  Shoe-maker,"  without 
any  point  after  the  name  ' '  Poor. " — Pastime  Papers. 


20  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

Bulletins  —  The  bulletins  of  Pope  Clement  XI  Vs 
last  illness,  which  were  announced  at  the  Vatican,  cul- 
minated in  a  very  fair  bull.  The  notices  commenced 
with  "  His  Holiness  is  very  ill,"  and  ended  with  "  His, 
Infallibility  is  delirious." 

A  Prize  Winner — An  illiterate  farmer,  wishing  to 
enter  some  animals  at  an  agricultural  exhibition,  wrote 
to  the  secretary  as  follows:  <'Also  enter  me  for  the 
best  jackass ;  I  am  sure  of  taking  the  premium." 

A  child  was  run  over  by  a  heavy  wagon,  four  years 
old,  wearing  a  short  pink  dress,  and  bronze  boots,  whose 
parents  are  not  yet  found Mews  Item. 

Fish  Pond  Sign  —  Owner  of  fish  pond  to  one  who 
is  trespassing;  "Don't  you  see  that  sign,  'No  Fishing 
Here  ?'"  Angler,  with  an  injured  air:  "Yes,  andl  dis- 
pute it.  Why,  there's  good  fishing  here;  look  at  this 
string  full.  The  man  must  have  been  mad  who  put 
that  board  up." 

Sharing  the  Burden  —  An  Irishman,  with  a  heavy 
bundle  on  his  shoulders,  riding  on  the  front  of  a  horse- 
car,  was  asked  why  he  did  not  set  his  bundle  down  on 
the  platform.  He  replied,  "Be  jabers,  the  horses  have 
enough  to  drag  me  ;  I'll  carry  the  bundle." 

Inflated  and  Stilted  Expression  —  This  style  re- 
minds one  of  a  short  man  on  tiptoe  trying  to  measure 
up  to  a  taller  one.  It  was  Beranger  who  compared  pre- 
tentious words  and  phrases  to  a  big,  bedizened  drum- 
major,  and  simple  expressions  to  the  little  gray-coated 
Napoleon  at  Austerlitz. 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  21 

Willing  to  Take  Anything — Biddy  was  bad  with 
colic  and  sure  she  was  going  to  die.  Various  remedies  were 
suggested  to  her.  "  Indade,"  said  she,  '<!  would  take 
anything  to  make  me  well,  if  I  knew  it  would  kill  me." 

A  Dining  Invitation  —  Mrs.  Robison,  widow  of 
the  eminent  professor  of  natural  philosophy,  having 
invited  a  gentleman  to  dinner  on  a  particular  day,  the 
invitation  was  accepted,  with  the  reservation,  '<if  I  am 
spared."  ''Weel,  weel,"  said  Mrs.  R.,  "if  ye'redead 
I'll  no  expect  ye." 

The  Leather  Tax — In  1794,  when  the  leather  tax 
was  being  debated  in  the  House,  Mr.  Vandeclure  said, 
"The  tax  on  leather  will  be  severely  felt  by  the  bare- 
footed peasantry  of  Ireland."  To  which  Sir  Boyle  Roche 
replied  that  "this  can  be  very  easily  remedied  by  mak- 
ing the  under  leather  of  wood." 

An  Irishman's  Will  —  I,  Timothy  Delona,  of  Bar- 
rydownderry,  in  the  county  of  Clare,  farmer,  being  sick 
and  wake  in  my  legs,  but  of  sound  head  and  warm  heart, 
do  make  the  first  and  last  will  the  ould  and  new  testa- 
ment :  first  I  direct  my  body  to  be  buried  in  the  ground 
at  Barrydownderry  Chapel,  where  all  my  kith  an'  kin 
that  have  gone  before  me,  an '  those  that  live  after,  be- 
longing to  me,  are  buried,  pace  to  their  ashes,  and  may 
the  sod  rest  lightly  over  their  bones.  Bury  me  near 
my  godfather,  Felix  O'Flaherty,  betwixt  and  between 
him  and  my  father  and  mother,  who  lie  separate  alto- 
gether, at  the  other  side  of  the  chapel  yard.  I  lave  the 
bit  of  ground  containing  ten  acres  —  rale  old  Irish  acres 
—  to  me  eldest  son,  Tim,  after  the  death  of  his  mother, 
if   she  survives   him.     Teddy,  my  second  boy  that  was 


22  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

killed  in  the  war  of  Amerikay,  might  have  got  his  pick 
of  the  poultry,  but  as  he  is  gone,  I'll  lave  them  to  his 
wife  who  died  a  wake  before  him. 

Let  us  die,  and  rush  into  the  heart  of  the  fight. 
—  Virgil. 

Who  begged  that  she  might  have  out  the  four  shil- 
lings she  had  paid  in  bacon. —  james  greenwood,  Ufi- 
sentimental  Journeys.  (Italics  should  follow  "have 
out.") 

Full  of  it — "The  temperance  men  mean  business 
in  clearing  out  the  whiskey.  They're  '  full  of  it,'  "  cried 
an  excited  temperance  orator. 

Carriage  Lanterns — A  policeman  stopped  an  Irish 
hack  driver  with  "Look  here,  now!  Don't  you  know 
there's  an  order  requiring  every  carriage  to  have  a 
lantern  at  night?  " 

"An'  sure,  sir,"  replied  the  driver,  "  what nade  have 
I  for  a  lantern  at  all?  Can't  ye  see  for  yerself,  sir,  that 
me  horse  is  blind?  " 

A  Mile-Post  —  Two  Irishmen  traveling  on  the  Balti- 
more and  Ohio  Railroad  track,  came  to  a  mile-post,  when 
one  of  them  exclaimed,  "Tread  aisy,  Pat;  here  lies  a 
man  one  hundred  and  eight  years  old  —  his  name  was 
Miles  from  Baltimore." 

Kean's  Acting  —  Sir  C.  Morgan  asked  Tom  Gannon 
what  he  thought  of  Kean's  acting.  "I  like  his  dying 
scenes  best,"  replied  Tom  ;  "he  acts  the  c?6«f?man  to  the 
very  Z^/*6." 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  23 

Startling  Information  —  An  advertisement  contains 
the  following  startling  information: 

<'If  the  gentleman  who  keeps  the  shoe  store  with  a 
red  head  will  return  the  umbrella  of  a  young  lady  with 
whalebone  ribs  and  an  ivory  handle  to  the  slate-roofed 
grocer's  store,  he  will  hear  something  to  his  advantage, 
as  the  same  is  the  gift  of  a  deceased  mother,  now  no 
more,  with  the  name  engraved  upon  it." 

Chiropody  —  A  chiropodist  announces  on  his  cards 
that  he  has  ''removed  corns  from  several  of  the  crowned 
heads  of  Europe." 

A  Slow  Cook — The  Toronto  Qlohe  tells  of  a  man 
who  has  cooked  his  own  breakfast  for  fifteen  years. 
He  must  like  it  very  well  done.  —  Detroit  Free  Press. 

Governor  Beaver  publicly  assured  me  that  the  money 
would  be  refunded  on  the  depot  platform  at  Johnstown, 
(Italics  should  follow  "me.") 

Misery  —  An  Irish  editor,  in  speaking  of  the  mise- 
ries of  Ireland,  says,  "Her  cup  of  miseries  has  been 
for  ages  overflowing,  and  is  not  yet  full." 

A  Life  Preserver  —  An  Irishman,  meeting  another, 
asked  what  had  become  of  their  old  acquaintance,  Pat 
Murphy. 

"Arrah,  now,  dear  honey,"  answered  the  other, 
"poor  Paddy  wa«  condemned  to  be  hanged,  but  he  saved 
his  life  by  dying  in  prison." 

Divorce  Proceedings  —  A  colored  man  went  into 
Mr.  E.'s  office  for  the  purpose  of  instituting  a  divorce 


24  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

suit  against  his  wife.  Mr.  E.  proceeded  to  question 
him  as  to  his  grounds  for  complaint.  Noticing  that  the 
man's  voice  failed  him,  Mr.  E.  looked  up  from  his  papers 
and  saw  that  big  tears  were  running  down  over  the 
cheeks  of  the  applicant  for  divorce. 

*' Why,  "  said  the  lawyer,  *'  you  seem  to  care  a  great 
deal  for  your  wife.     Did  you  love  her  ?  " 

"Love  her,  sir?    I  jest  analyzed  her!" 

Hospitality — "Come  and  dine  with  me  this  even- 
ing." "I  can't."  "Why  not?"  "I  am  going  to  see 
Hamlet."      "Bring  him  with  you."  —  Journal  Illustre. 

Upon  a  similar  principle  to  that  applied  to  persons 
taking  under  wills  — .  (Should  be,  "  Upon  a  principle 
similar  — .) 

Only  —  The  negroes  are  to  appear  at  church  only  in 
boots.  ( This  means,  says  Prof.  Swinton,  that  when  the 
negroes  go  to  church  they  are  to  have  no  clothing  but 
boots. 

The  negroes  are  to  appear  only  at  church  in  boots. 
This  might  mean  that  they  are  not  to  appear  anywhere 
but  at  church,  whether  in  boots  or  out  of  them.  The 
proper  arrangement  would  be  to  connect  "in  boots" 
with  its  verb  "appear,"  and' make  "only"  qualify 
"at  church,"  and  no  more.  Thus,  The  negroes  are  to 
appear  in  boots  only  at  church.) 

Efficacy  of  Prayer  —  If  the  following  paragraph 
from  London  Day  hy  Day  is  to  be  taken  as  a  criterion, 
the  London  Daily  Telegraph  has  adopted  peculiar  views 
on  the  efficacy  of  prayer.  "Earl  Sydney's  illness  be- 
came very  acute  on  Sunday.     Prayers  were  offered  on 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  25 

his  behalf  at  the  churches  and  places  of  worship  at  Sid- 
cup,  Foot's  Cray,  and  Chiselhurst.  Lord  Sydney,  how- 
ever^ on  Wednesday,  appeared  much  improved."  The 
*' however"  is  good. 

Fish  Hawkers  — Sir  Boyle  Roche  is  said  to  have  re- 
marked of  the  fish  hawkers  on  one  occasion,  that  "They 
go  down  to  Kingsend,  buy  the  herrings  for  half  nothing, 
and  sell  them  for  twice  as  much." 

Very  German  —  Sign  on  a  Broadway  store:  "Took 
Notais  —  Mebbe  you  don't  better  loaf  roundt  here  ven 
you  don't  got  some  peasnis." 

Found,  a  pocket  book  on  Market  street  near  the 
drug  store  with  a  silver  clasp  on  it.  (Italics  should 
follow  "Found.") 

Accurate  Testimony  —  In  a  breach-of-promise  case 
the  other  day,  the  lady  on  the  stand  said  that  when  a 
friend  suggested  she  would  make  him  a  good  wife,  he 
answered,  "Hem!"  "  Did  he  really  say  'Hem?'"  in- 
quires the  counsel  for  the  defence.  '  He  did,"  she 
averred,  "or  something  of  that  kind."  This  reminds 
one  of  the  accurate  witness  who  swore  that  some  one 
had  called  over  the  banisters,  "  Tom,  Tom,"  or  words  to 
that  effect. 

It  was  clearly  inevitable  that  a  man  who  regarded 
human  love  as  the  very  center  and  starting  point  of  all 
the  good  influences  of  life  ....  should  look 
upon  teaching  thus  understood  with  absolute  detestation. 
—  LESLIE  STEPHEN,  Ilours  in  a  Library.  (Italics  should 
follow  "look.") 


26  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

Woman  —  In  a  report  of  a  Delmonico  dinner  this 
toast  was  said  to  have  been  given,  "Woman  —  without 
her  man,  is  a  brute."  (The  comma  following  "man" 
should  follow  "  her  ") 

A  Green  Motion  —  At  a  vestry  meeting,  when  re- 
pairs to  the  vestry-room  were  under  consideration,  a 
member  rose  to  make  a  motion.  "Mr.  President,  I 
move  that  we  whitewash  the  ceilin '  green  in  honor  of 
the  ould  flag. " 

Driving  —  Husband,  reading  the  sporting  news: 
"Ah,  I  see  that  Nelson  drove  himself."  Wife  ;  "Why, 
how  ca7i  a  horse  drive  himself."  "No,  no  ;  I  mean  that 
Mr.  Nelson  drove  himself."  "What!  Drove  his  own 
self  ?  And  there  wasn't  any  horse  driven  at  all  ?  How  —  " 
"  Thunder  and  blazes!  I  say  that  Mr.  Nelson  drove  the 
horse  Nelson  —  can't  you  understand  anything?  "  "Oh !" 
And  the  wife  smiled  contentedly,  as  woman  does  when 
she  succeeds  in  provoking  her  worse-tempered  half  into 
a  fury. 

The  intellectual  qualities  of  the  youth  were  superior 
to  tliose  of  his  raiment. —  Memoir  of  John  Lay  den. 
That  is,  superior  to  the  intellectual  qualities  of  his  rai- 
ment !  The  writer  meant,  probably,  that  the  qualities 
of  the  youth's  intellect  were  superior  to  those  of  his 
raiment. — john  s.  hart,  ll.  d. 

,  Neglecting  the  Antecedent  —  Some  very  whimsi- 
cal instances  of  this  occur  continually,  especially  in  the 
answers  of  witnesses  when  given  literally  as  they  speak. 
In  a  late  assault  case  the  prosecutor  swore  that  "the 
prisoner   struck  him  with  a  broom  on   his  head  till  he 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  27 

broke  the  top  of  it ! "  In  narrating  an  incident  some  time 
since,  it  was  stated  that  a  poor  old  woman  was  run  over 
by  a  cart  aged  sixty.  So  in  a  case  of  supposed  poison- 
ing, "He  had  something  in  a  blue  pajjer  in  his  hand, 
and  I  saw  him  put  his  head  over  the  pot,  and  put  it  in!" 
Another,  swallowing  a  base  coin,  "He  snatched  the 
half-crown  from  the  boy,  which  he  swallowed ; "  which 
seems  to  mean  the  boy,  not  the  money. — N'ew  York 
Christrnas  Bell. 

An  Important  Question  —  Mrs.  Gazzam  :  * '  Dear 
mother  isn't  herself  to-day,  George." 

Gazzam:     "  Indeed  !     Who  is  she  ?  " — Judge. 

Mixed  Receipts  —  "  This  mince  pie  is  delicious,"  said 
Cadley  to  Mrs.  Noorich.  "Have  you  the  receipt  for 
this?" 

"  Sir  !  "  said  the  lady  indignantly.  "  Receipt  ?  No, 
sir  ;  I  have  not,  because  I  have  not  yet  received  the 
bill." 

How  He  Kept  the  Score  —  Pat  was  keeping  score 
for  a  bowling  party  in  the  White  Mountains. 

"How  do  I  stand  now,  Pat?"  asked  one  of  the 
bowlers. 

"Sure  an'  yer  behind,  sorr." 

"  How  much  ?" 

"How  many?  Let  me  see;  there's  thirteen  and 
two.  Ye've  gotter  make  twinty-wan  t'  ketch  up,  an' 
thin  ye'Ube  foor  ahead." 

Irish  Politeness —  "Pat,  how's  your  wife  ?" 
Pat:      "Dead,    I    thank   yer   honor.      How's    your 
own  ?  " 


28  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

A  Verbal  Difference  Merely  —  Committee  of  one 
from  the  Bosom  Friends  takes  counsel  upon  some  com- 
plication in  the  brotherhood,  the  conduct  of  one  of  the 
officers  being  in  question.  '*  You  mean  that  he  had  no 
right ;  in  short,  iisurjyed  the  office  ?  "  "  Yes,  jedge,  he 
used  u]y  de  office,  but  the  trouble  ar'  mo  '  dat  he  done 
use  up  de  fun's." 

Extracts  from  an  Account  of  a  Shipwreck — The 
captain  swam  ashore.  So  did  the  captain's  wife;  she 
was  insured  for  a  large  sum  and  loaded  with  pig-iron. 

Move  On  —  A  German  policeman,  with  orders  from 
the  mayor  to  make  corner  loafers  "move  on,"  comes 
up  to  a  crowd,  shakes  his  mace,  and  says, 

"  Do  youse  fellows  lif  here?  " 

"No." 

''Yell,  you  petter  move  here." 

A  Bit  of  Correspondence — A  remarkable  corre- 
spondence has  been  published,  ending  in  a  true  Irish  fash- 
ion. It  begins,  "Mr.  Thompson  presents  his  compli- 
ments to  Mr.  Simpson,  and  begs  to  request  that  he  will 
keep  his  doggs  from  trespassing  on  his  grounds." 

"Mr.  Simpson  presents  his  compliments  to  Mr. 
Thompson,  and  begs  to  suggest  that  in  future  he  should 
not  spell  '  dogs  '  with  two  gees." 

"Mr.  Thompson's  respects  to  Mr.  Simpson,  and  will 
feel  obliged  if  he  will  add  the  letter  '  e '  to  the  last  word 
in  the  note  just  received,  so  as  to  represent  Mr.  Simpson 
and  lady." 

"  Mr.  Simpson  returns  Mr.  Thompson's  note  un- 
opened, the  impertinence  it  contains  being  only  equaled 
by  its  vulgarity." 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  29 

When  I  hear  a  person  use  a  queer  expression,  or 
pronounce  a  name  in  reading  differently  from  his  neigh- 
bors, it  always  goes  down  in  my  estimate  of  him,  with 
a  ruinous  sign  before  it. —  alfobd.  (Italics  should 
follow  "or.") 

So  Glad  — Prof.  Chatterleigh;  "By  George!  I'm 
so  hungry  I  can't  talk." 

Fair  hostess,  on  hospitable  thoughts  intent  :  "  O, 
I'm  so  glad  !  " 

Mixed  Tenderness  —  Edwin,  who  is  fond  of  lectur- 
ing his  future  bride: 

"Well,  good-by,  Angy.  I  don't  know  how  it  is,  but 
I  always  seem  to  leave  you  in  tears." 

Angelina,  tenderly,  through  her  sobs : 

"I  —  I  —  I'd  sooner  you  should  leave  me  in  tears, 
love,  than  never  leave  me  at  allP 

A  Lucid  Text  —  An  old  negro  preacher  divided  his 
sermon  into  two  parts,  "  First,  all  de  things  in  the  text; 
and,  second,  all  de  things  not  in  the  text;  and,  bredren, 
we'll  wrastle  wid  de  second  part  fust." 

Soap  Advertisement  —  Our  soap  is  the  best.  Try 
it  and  be  convinced  for  thirty  days.  (Italics  should 
follow  "it.") 

A  Dark  Comparison  —  Old  Uncle  Pompey  Camden 
met  a  lady  and  her  daughter.  He  had  known  them  many 
years.  Addressing  the  daughter,  he  said,  "  'Deed, 
miss,  you'se  lookin'  mighty  peart,  you  is,  and  growed  a 
big  'oman,  too,  since  I  fust  knowed  ye.  An'  dar's  yo' 
mudder,    too.      Lawd  !    Lawd  !    'stonishing   how  smart 


30  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

she  looks.  I  ain't  gwine  ter  say  'at  you  look  s'old  's  yo' 
mudder,  but  I  clar  it  am  a  sartin  fack  yo'  mudder  looks 
's  young  as  you.'''* 

At  Both  Ends  —  A  big  Irishman,  who  had  evidently 
been  drinking,  arose  in  a  street  car  and  gave  the  bell 
strap  a  sharp  pull.  The  conductor  exclaimed  angrily, 
''Here,  don't  do  that.  You're  ringing  the  bell  at  both 
ends  of  the  car." 

"That's  all  right.  Bedad,  (hie),  an'  I  want  both 
inds  of  the  car  to  shtop." 

A  Mixed  Peroration  —  It  was  a  New  York  lawyer 
in  whose  peroration  this  occurred  :  "I  hope,  gentle- 
men of  the  jury,  that  you  may  have  mercy  upon  this  un- 
happy man,  who  has  never  yet  strayed  from  the  path  of 
rectitude,  and  only  asks  your  assistance  to  enable  him  to 
return  to  it." 

Removing  the  State  Capital  —  One  of  the  most 
amusing  scenes  in  the  Pennsylvania  Legislature  occurred 
on  a  motion  to  remove  the  state  capital  from  Harrisburg 
to  Philadelphia.  A  matter  of  fact  member  from  the 
rural  districts,  who  had  heard  of  the  great  facility  with 
which  brick  houses  are  moved  from  one  part  of  a  city 
to  another,  and  who  had  not  the  least  objection  to  the 
removal,  rose  and  said,  "Mr.  Speaker,  I  have  no 
objection  to  the  motion,  but  I  don't  see  how  on  airth 
you  are  going  to   git   it  over  the  river." 

The  following  lines  were  written  by  one  who,  for 
more  than  ten  years  had  been  confined  in  the  peniten- 
tiary for  his  own  amusement*  (Italics  should  follow 
"written.") 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDEKS.  31 

A  Return  Ticket — ^^Begorra,  but  I've  got  the  best 
of  that  murthering  railway  this  time,  anyhow  !  "  said  a 
Hibernian,  who  had  a  grudge  against  the  company  in 
question.  <«How  is  that,  Dennis?"  asked  a  bystander. 
''  I've  bought  a  return  ticket,  and  faith  I'm  not  coming 
back  at  all,  at  all .'  "  was  the  triumphant  reply. 

Summary  —  A  reverend  doctor,  in  addressing  a  school, 
said  that  he  would  give  the  pupils  a  summary  of  what 
they  had  been  studying.  The  teacher  asked  him  to  ex- 
plain the  word  summary  to  the  children ;  whereupon  he 
said,  *'I  will  explain  to  you,  my  dear  children,  what 
is  meant  by  summary  •  it  is  an  abbreviated  syiiopsis  of 
anything. " 

A  Droll  Description  —  The  following  specimen  of 
legal  acumen  is  copied  from  the  records  of  the  Recorder 
of  Clarke  County,  Washington  Territory.  In  a  convey- 
ance joi  land  is  embodied  a  bill  of  sale  of  some  live- 
stock, and  the  description  of  the  two  kinds  of  property 
is  rather  droll : 

"Also  that  certain  lot  of  land  on  the  Columbia  bot- 
tom, bounded  by  land  owned  by  Alexander  and  others. 
Also  a  white  bull  and  twelve  hogs  icest  of  the  meridian 
liney 

He  was  about  to  assist  a  beggar  with  a  sum  of  money 
in  distress.      (Italics  should  follow    ''assist.") 

Ireland's  Freedom  —  Marshall  P.  Wilder,  upon  his 
arrival  in  Dublin,  was  met  by  an  Irish  cabman,  who 
said,  "You're  with  us?"  Wilder  replied  that  if  he 
meant  because  he  was  an  American  that  he  favored 
home  rule  in  Ireland,  he  was  right ;  he  was  with  him. 


62  BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

Then  Pat  became  confidential  and  sa^id,  "Do  yez  know 
we  have  the  boys  all  armed  in  our  neighborhood,  and  I 
tell  you,  we  can,  anytime  we  want  to,  free  Ireland." 
"Well,  why  don't  you  do  so,"  said  Wilder;  to  which 
Pat  replied,  "  Sure,  the  police  won't  let  us." 

Stretched  Truth  —  Angry  customer,  of  a  day  or 
two  before  :  "I  thought  you  told  me  this  watch  would 
keep  time ! " 

Mr.  Feldstein  :  "Yell,  it  don'd  gif  it  avay,  does 
it,  mein  f rent  ?  "  —  Judge. 

Nuisance  —  At  the  conclusion  of  a  nuisance  case  the 
judge,  after  a  tedious  charge,  said  to  the  jury,  "I  hope 
you  understand  the  various  points  I  have  submitted  to 
you." 

"Oh,  yes,"  said  the  foreman,  "we  are  all  agreed 
that  we  never  knew  before  what  a  nuisance  was,  until 
we  heard  your  honor's  summing  up." 

Cruel  of  Him — "My  income  is  small,"  said  a 
rather  dilatory  lover,  "and  perhaps  it  is  cruel  of  me  to 
take  you  from  your  father's  roof."  "  J3ut  I  don't  live 
on  the  roof,"  was  the  prompt  response. 

Earnest  Prayer  —  A  well-known  minister  was  sent 
South  from  New  Jersey,  a  few  years  ago,  to  labor  among 
the  colored  people.  They  received  him  with  many  de- 
monstrations of  joy,  and  at  the  first  meeting  which  he 
held,  one  old  colored  preacher  prayed  for  him  with  great 
earnestness:  "O  Lord!  bress  dis  yer  dear  brudder 
what's  come  down  from  de  Norf  to  preach  the  gospil  to 
us.  '  Noint  him  wid  de  kerosene  ile  ob  salvashin,  and 
set  him  on  fire  I " 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  33 

Distinction  without  Difference  —  Lord  and  Mas- 
ter, small-sized,  but  resolute  :  *' You  are  wrong,  madam  ; 
quite  wrong." 

His  Slave  :     "But  I  say  I  am  not  wrong." 

Lord  and  Master:  "But  I  have  proved  you  are 
wrong." 

His  Slave:  "I  beg  your  pardon,  I  am  not  wrong. 
I  may  be  mistaken,  but  I  am  not  wrong." 

Lies  —  An  Irish  editor  congratulates  himself  that 
"  half  the  lies  told  about  him  are  not  true." 

By  greatness  I  not  only  mean  the  bulk  of  any  single 
object,  but  the  largeness  of  the  whole  view.  (Italics 
should  follow  "  mean.") 

The  Logic  of  Wit  —  The  logic  of  wit  is  the  most  de- 
structive logic  that  is  employed  against  error.  It  anni- 
hilates sham,  and  dashes  down  towering  structures  of 
sophistical  reason  at  a  blow.  A  Scotch  advocate,  limp- 
ing down   High   Street  in  Edinburgh,  overheard  a  lady 

say  to  her  companion,    "That  is  Mr.  C ,  the  lame 

lawyer."     Turning  round,  he  replied,    "No,  madam,  I 
am  a  lame  man,  but  not  a  lame  lawyer." 

You  See  —  Professor  of  Chemistry  explaining  why 
an  experiment  has  failed:  "As  you  see,  gentlemen,  at 
present  you  see  nothing;  why  you  see  nothing,  you  will 
see  directly." 

A  Difficult  Feat  —  Many  years  ago  at  a  little 
school  house  in  the  mountains  of  Western  Pennsylvania, 
an  Irish  schoolmaster  kept  his  boys  grinding  steadily  at 
their  tasks,  giving  them  permission  to  nibble  from  their 


34  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

lunch  baskets  as  they  studied.  One  day,  while  instruct- 
ing a  class  in  the  rule  of  three,  he  noticed  that  one  of  his 
pupils  was  paying  more  attention  to  a  piece  of  pie  than 
to  the  lesson.  "  Arrah,  there,"  said  the  master,  "  Jack 
Bales,  be  listenin'  to  the  lisson,  will  ye?"  <'I'm  listen- 
ing, sir,"  said  the  boy.  "Listenin',  is  it?"  exclaimed 
the  master;  "then  it's  listenin'  wid  one  ear  ye  are, 
an'  atin'  poi  wid  the  other." 

In  THE  Squad  —  Drill  Sergeant:  "Now  then,  Cas- 
sidy,  what  is  th  '  fi-r-st  movement  in  '  bout  face  ?  '  " 

Recruit :  "  Whin  the  command  is  given  yez  advance 
the  roight  fut  three  inches  ter  the  rear.'''' — Quips. 

Nowhere  —  A  lady  meeting  a  girl  lately  in  her  ser- 
vice, inquired,  "Well,  Mary,  where  do  you  live  now?" 
"Please,  ma'am,  I  don't  live  )iowhere  now,"  replied  the 
girl ;   "  Z  am  married. " 

Humor  of  the  Commons  —  Sir  John  Lubbock,  M.P., 
in  a  recent  address  described  some  amusing  incidents  of 
the  House  of  Commons.  A  member  from  the  other  side 
of  the  Tweed,  alluding  to  the  vote  of  £2,000,000  in  sup- 
port of  the  Afghan  war,  described  it  as  "a  flea  bite  in 
the  ocean."  Another,  while  advocating  an  increase  in 
the  European  troops  employed  in  India,  remarked, 
"You  may  depend  upon  it,  sir,  the  pale  face  of  the 
British  soldier  is  the  backbone  of  the  Indian  army." 
Mr.  Sullivan  once  delivered  a  speech  on  the  relative 
merits  of  Irish  and  Scotch  whiskey.  He  was  complain- 
ing that  Scotch  whiskey  was  introduced  into  Ireland  and 
passed  off  as  "genuine  Irish."  "The  stuff,"  he  said, 
"is  so  hot  that  it  goes  down  the  throat  like  a  torchlight 
procession."  —  Manchester  Times. 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  35 

Obituary  Notices —  "  In  her  life  she  was  a  pattern 
worthy  to  be  followed  ;- and  her  death  —  oh,  how  con- 
soling to  her  friends."  This  recalls  the  announcement 
in  the  obituary  column  of  a  Western  j)aper,  *' A  num- 
ber of  deaths  unavoidably  postponed." 

A  Ludicrous  Blunder  —  One  Sunday,  during  high 
mass  at  twelve,  in  the  chapel  of  the  little  village  of  Glen- 
gariff,  three  ladies  of  the  Protestant  faith  were  obliged 
to  take  shelter  from  one  of  those  heavy  summer  showers 
which  so  frequently  occur  in  the  south  of  Ireland.  The 
officiating  priest,  knowing  who  they  were,  and  wishing 
to  appear  respectful  to  them,  stooped  down  to  his  attend- 
ant, or  clerk,  who  was  on  his  knees,  and  whispered  to 
him,  '<  Three  chairs  for  the  Protestant  ladies." 

The  clerk  being  an  ignorant  man,  mistook  the  words, 
stood  up,  and  shouted  to  the  congregation,  "Three 
cheers  for  the  Protestant  ladies  ! "  which  the  congrega- 
tion immediately  took  up,  and  gave  three  hearty  cheers, 
while  the  clergyman  actually  stood  dumbfounded. 

Privileged — Raff:  "I  look  upon  you,  sir,  as  a 
rascal." 

Partee  :  "You  are  privileged  to  look  upon  me  in 
any  character  you  desire  to  assume,  sir." — Texas  Sift- 


He  turned  to  her  father  as  he  spoke  with  the  instinct 
of  good  breeding.  —  mrs.  oliphant,  ^Vie  Brownloios. 
(Italics  should  follow  "turned.") 

The  boys  cracked  many  a  joke  around  the  stoves 
in  homespun  suits  and  coiohide  boots. —  Olden  Times. 
(Italics  should  follow  "boys.") 


36  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

The  Proverbial  Showman  —  A  showman  in  the 
East  has  on  exhibition  "the  real  skull  of  the  poet  Burns 
when  he  was  a  boy,"  and  a  stuffed  crocodile  upon  which 
a  placard  reads,  ''This  hexentric  animal,  ladies  and 
gentlemen,  in'abits  a  desert  island  seventy-five  miles  re- 
moved from  either  land  or  water." 

Expenses  —  A  stationer's  traveler,  having  had  a  run 
of  bad  luck  in  prosecuting  business,  received  from  the 
"boss"  the  following  telegram:  "  If  you  can't  make 
expenses,  come  home  at  once."  The  reply  was,  "All 
right.     Can  make  plenty  of  expenses,  but  no  sales." 

Attention — "Ye  pays  no  more  attention  to  me," 
said  an  Irishman  to  his  children,  "  than  if  I  was  a  dumb 
baste  talking  to  yez." 

His  remains  were  committed  to  that  bourne  whence 
no  traveler  returns  attended  by  his  friends.  (Italics 
should  follow  "remains.") 

The  Rival  Shoemakers  —  Two  rival  shoemakers, 
who  lived  directly  opposite  to  each  other  in  one  of  the 
streets  near  the  west  end  of  London,  and  whose  opposi- 
tion was  not  in  situation  alone,  but  in  every  matter  con- 
nected with  business,  carried  on  for  a  long  time  a  war  of 
advertisements  and  placards,  till  at'last  one  of  them,  to 
signify  the  purity  of  his  style  of  doing  business,  got  his 
door-way  adorned  with  the  classic  sentence,  '■'•  Mens  con- 
scia  recti.''''  This  the  other  conceived  to  be  an  advertise- 
ment of  something  in  the  line  of  business  ;  and,  as  he 
was  a  lady's  shoemaker  also,  he  got  his  door  ornamented 
with  the  following  improved  reading  of  the  apothegm, 
^^ Melt's  and  Women^s  conscia  recti.'''' 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  37 

The  Grammar  of  Science  —  Sir  :  The  memorial 
in  compliance  with  which  Sir  John  Herschel  was  interred 
in  the  Abbey  states  that  the  memorialists  —  and  they  are 
eminent  men  —  "are  of  opinion  that  his  memory  ought 
to  be  honored  by  interment  in  Westminster  Abbey." 
Sir,  I  protest  on  behalf  of  every  admirer  of  Sir  John 
Herschel  against  the  burial  of  his  memory  instead  of 
his  body;  and  I  hereby  demand,  on  behalf  of  the  public, 
that  the  former  be  disinterred  as  soon  as  possible.  I 
am,  sir,  your  obedient  servant,  X. — Times. 

A  Dublin  Doctor  —  A  Dublin  doctor  sent  in  his  bill 
to  a  lady  as  follows  :  <'To  curing  your  husband  till  he 
died." 

Two  OF  A  Kind  —  Almost  every  one  has  heard  the 
story  of  that  newly  enriched  English  tradesman  who, 
having  received  the  honor  of  knighthood,  went  to  the 
Prince  of  Wales'  tailor  to  have  himself  measured  for  a 
'^coat  of  arms  ,"  and  this  hero  has  had  a  worthy  rival 
in  the  shoddy  millionaire  who  made  a  voyage  to  Europe 
on  purpose  to  have  his  portrait  painted  by  one  of  the  old 
masters. 

A  Grand  Sight —  "  It's  thrue,"  said  Paddy  to  Den- 
nis one  day,  "  it  wor  a  grand  soight.  But  whoile  ye're 
standin'  sit  down,  an'  Oi'll  tell  ye  all  about  it." 

A  Welsh  Verdict  —  "My  lord,"  said  the  foreman 
of  a  Welsh  jury,  when  giving  in  a  verdict,  "we  find  the 
man  that  stole  the  mare  not  guilty." 

Hypallage — A  figure  consisting  of  a  transference 
of  attributes  from  their  proper  subjects  to  others.     Thus 


38  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

Virgil  says,  dare  dassihus  austros,  to  give  the  winds 
to  the  fleets,  instead  of  dare  classes  austris,  to  give 
the  fleets  to  the  winds. —  Webster"^ s  International  Dic- 
tionary. 

The  hypallage,  of  which  Virgil  is  fonder  than  any 
other  writer,  is   much  the  gravest  fault  in  language. — 

LANDOR. 

But  hypallage  arises  generally  from  confusion  of 
mind,  rather  than  from  seeking  literary  effects,  as  when 
a  Carmelite  friar  mentioned  in  a  sermon  what  a  wise 
Providence  it  was  that  so  often  made  a  river  run  through 
a  large  town ;  or  as  when,  on  its  being  urged  as  an  ob- 
jection to  Homer  that  he  made  Vulcan  take  nine  whole 
days  to  fall  from  heaven  to  earth,  the  defender  of  Homer 
replied  that  it  was  according  to  nature  that  Vulcan,  be- 
ing lame,  could  not  fall  so  fast  as  another.  A  lofty 
l^lace,  too,  belongs  to  the  sagacious  remark  of  the  Low^- 
land  gardener  in  Scotland,  who  treated  the  potency  of 
the  weather-glass  with  the  utmost  contempt : 

"'Deed,  sir,  I  never  saw  the  glass  hae  muckle  effec' 
on  the  weather  in  these  pairts." — macbeth,  The  Might 
and  Mirth  of  Literature. 

The  honorable  gentleman  must  not  expect  to  repeal 
a  bill  which  has  passed  with  the  general  concurrence  of 
the  House  and  the  approbation  of  the  people  of  this 
country,  loithout  the  tnost  strenuous  opposition. —  Horace 
WALPOLE.      (Italics  should  follow  "repeal.") 

A  Melancholy  Sight  —  A  Yorkshire  clergyman, 
preaching  for  the  Blind  Asylum,  began  by  gravely  re- 
marking, 

"If  all  the  world  were  blind,  what  a  melancholy 
sight  it  would  be  ! "     • 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  39 

Fights  frequently  ensue  in  consequence,  but  are  gen- 
erally put  a  stop  to  before  any  material  damage  is  done, 
hy  the  interference  of  friends.  (Italics  should  follow 
^no.") 

A  Bad  Misplacement — The  compositor  on  a  Phila- 
delphia paper,  by  misplacement  of  a  space,  informed  the 

masses  of  that  city  that  Mr.  would  address  them 

asses  at  National  Hall. 

Thunder  and  Lightning — "Did  you  ever  know 
anybody  to  be  killed  by  lightning?"  "Never  by  light- 
ning," replied  Pat,  in  an  undertone.  "It's  thunder, 
shure,  as  knocks  'em  to  pieces  in  the  ould  counthry." 

A  Guess  at  It — Mr.  McFadden:  "Barney,  phat's 
that  they're  dooin'  wid  the  big  iron  gurders  on  Broad- 
way?" 

Mr.  MaGee :  "Be  gob,  I  doon't  know,  Paddy, 
but  it  luks  to  me  loike  they'r'  makin'  an  elevated  railroad 
under  Broadway." — Keio  York  Tribune. 

A  Stone  Coffin  —  An  Irishman,  hearing  of  a  friend 
who  had  a  stone  coffin  made  for  himself,  exclaimed, 

"  Faith,  that's  good.  Sure  an'  a  stone  coffin  'ud  last 
a  man  a  life  time." 

A  milliner  wishes  an  engagement  of  ten  years'*  expe- 
rience.    (Italics  should  follow  "milliner  ") 

Puzzling  Posters  —  Advertisers  on  posts  and  fences 
no  doubt  do  their  utmost  to  have  their  announcements 
so  clearly  expressed  that  "he  who  runs  may  read  ;"  but 
now  and  then  the  haste  with  which  the  bill-sticker  does 


4:0  IJULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

his  part  of  the  work  seriously  interferes  with  things. 
Here  are  two  cases  in  point,  given  by  The  Examiner^  of 
Cork,  Ireland. 

**  As  an  illustration  of  the  ludicrous  results  produced 
by  bill-stickers  pasting  one  bill  over  another,  Mr.  C. 
Spurgeon,  son  of  the  Rev.  C.  H.  Spurgeon,  mentioned 
in  a  lecture  that  on  one  occasion  in  London,  when  he 
and  another  gentlemen  were  advertised  to  preach  special 
sermons,  he  was  astonished  to  read  the  following  an- 
nouncement :  '£10  Reward.  Lost — Two  Fat  Heifers. 
Mr.  J.  J.  Knight  and  Mr.  C.  Spurgeon.' 

Another  reads  as  follows  :  '  Pigs  fattened  in  six 
weeks  on  The  Englishman,  edited  by  Dr.  Kenealy.  Price 
2d.  weekly,  and  kills  fleas,  beetles,  insects,  and  all  kinds 
of  vermin.  Pat  Perkins'  Painkiller  cures  smoky  chim- 
neys, and  notice  to  mothers,  feed  your  infants  on  Bond's 
marking  ink,  6d.  per  bottle  ! ' " 

A  Counterfeit  —  Dan  Rice,  the  showman,  remitted, 
in  settlement  of  an  account,  to  the  publisher  of  a  paper 
in  the  West,  a  three-dollar  bill,  which  was  returned  with 
the  brief  remark,  "  This  note  is  counterfeit ;  please 
send  another." 

French  and  Irish — "Pat,  do  you  understand 
French  ?  " 

"  Yis,  if  its  shpoke  in  Irish." 

ToMBiGBEE  River  —  When  J.  K.  Paulding  was  Sec- 
retary of  the  Navy,  he  wrote  an  agent  of  the  Post  Ofiice 
Department  in  Alabama  to  ascertain  the  length  of  the 
Tombigbee  River.  "How  far  does  the  Tombigbee 
River  run  up?"  To  which  the  agent  replied,  "It 
doesn't  run  up,  it  runs  down." 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  41 

An  Unfortunate  Verdict — *' Sintinced  for  loife, 
d'yer  say  ?  Arrah,  thin,  if  the  judge  had  his  eyes  about 
him,  he  might  ha'  seen  that  Dinnis  was  that  dilicate 
that  he'd  niver  live  to  sarve  out  a  loife  sintince,  even  if 
it  was  only  for  three  years !  " 

"One  day  it  (the  sparrow)  did  not  perform  certain 
tricks  which  he  (Yelves)  had  taught  it  to  his  satisfac- 
tion. "  —  ELZE,  Life  of  Byron.  (Italics  should  follow 
"perform." ) 

A  Pretty  Compliment  —  Clara  :  "I  understand 
that  Mr.  Featherly  paid  me  a  very  pretty  compliment  to- 
day." 

Ethel :     "  Yes?     What  was  it  ?  '  ' 

Clara:  "He  said  that  among  the  most  beautiful 
young  ladies  at  the  party  last  night  was  Miss  Clara 
Smith." 

Ethel,  with  a  cough:  "Yes,  I  noticed  you  among 
them." 

The  German  of  It  —  An  honest  Dutchman,  on 
being  asked  how  often  he  shaved,  said,  "  Dree  times  a 
week,  every  day  but   Soontay  ;  den  I  shave  every  day." 

Lost  —  A  long,  light-colored  lady's  pocket-book. 
—  Providence  Paper. 

From  an  Irish  Editorial  —  On  the  death  of  a  prom- 
inent citizen:  "He  leaves  a  brilliant  future  behind 
him." 

The  Act  and  the  Word  —  How  few  there  are  who 
"  say  what  they  mean  and  mean  what  they  say!  "    "It  is 


42  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

altogether  needless  to  enter  on  any  argument  to  sustain 
this  proposition,"  says  the  learned  judge,  and  forthwith 
enters  on  one  of  great  length  and  dullness.  "I  deem  it 
entirely  unnecessary  to  combat  the  gentleman's  views," 
says  the  orator,  and,  so  saying,  goes  on  to  combat  them 
till  some  rude  person  cries,  *' Sit  down,  please!"  "It 
goes  without  saying,"  remarks  the  editor,  and  then,  for 
fear  it  will  not  go,  says  it  over  and  over  again  for  a 
column  or  two.  "Tell  me  not  in  mournful  numbers," 
sings  the  poet,  and  straightway  informs  himself  in  many 
unhilarious  stanzas  of  the  very  things  he  did  not  want 
to  know.  What  is  the  necessity,  the  cruel  necessity,  for 
unnecessary  things  ? 

Things  Better  Left  Unsaid  —  He:  "What  a 
pretty  fan  !  "  She  :  ' '  Yes  ;  I  had  it  given  to  me  when 
I  first  came  out."     He  :   "  Really  !     It  has  worn  well  !  " 

Jones,  after  having  dubiously  accepted  an  invitation 
to  dine  with  Smith:  "And  you're  sure  you  wont  be 
disappointed  if  I  don't  turn  up  ?"  Smith  :  "Oh,  no, 
I  assure  you,  not  at  all." 

Johnson,  suddenly  meeting  Sir  Bruin:  "And  so 
you're  leaving  England  for  good,  and  we  shall  never  see 
you  again !  " 

Sir  Bruin:  "Nothing  of  the  kind!  Who  says 
so?" 

Johnson:  "Oh,  I  saw  it  in  one  of  the  papers. 
But  the  ijapers  don't  always  tell  the  truth,  I'm  sorry  to 
say!" 

Posterity  —  Once,  when  it  was  stated,  on  a  money 
grant,  that  it  was  unjust  to  saddle  posterity  with  a  debt 
incurred  to  benefit  the  present,  Sir  Boyle  Roche  rose  and 
said,    "Why    should    we   beggar   ourselves   to   benefit 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  43 

posterity  ?  What  has  posterity  done  for  us  ?  "  The 
laugh  which  followed  rather  surprised  him,  as  he  was 
unconscious  of  his  blunder.  He  explained,  **Sir,  by 
posterity  I  do  not  mean  our  ancestors,  but  those  who 
come  immediately  after  them.'''' 

Resemblance  —  "Sam  and  Jem,"  said  an  Irishman, 
**  resemble  each  other  very  much,  particularly  Sam." 

The  end  does  not  justify  the  means  in  art,  (Italics 
should  begin  the  sentence.) 

Social  Slips  —  People  of  a  lively  conversational 
turn  find  it  impossible  to  go  through  life  without  mak- 
ing a  social  slip  now  and  then. 

<'What  a  peculiar  head  !"  exclaimed  a  bright  young 
lady  to  her  partner  at  whist,  alluding  to  a  crayon  hung 
near  her.  "  To  what  heathen  divinity  does  it  belong, 
pray  ?  "  "  My  wife,  madam,"  was  the  crushing  answer. 
*'Is  it  possible  ?  No  wonder  I  did  not  recognize  it!" 
the  luckless  girl  stammered.  "  She  was  unfortunate  in 
her  choice  of  an  artist."  "  Pardon  me,  but  the  work  was 
done  by  my  husband,"  said  the  lady  in  question  from  an 
adjoining  table  ;  and  the  poor  youngling  said  no  more. 

A  lady,  overtaken  by  a  heavy  shower  of  rain,  took 
refuge  in  a  store,  where  she  employed  the  time  in  mak- 
ing some  purchases.  "You  seem  very  quiet  to-day," 
she  said  to  the  obliging  salesman.  "Yes,  madam,"  was 
the  reply.  "Just  look  at  the  weather  !  What  respect- 
able lady  would  venture  out  of  doors  on  a  day  like 
this?" 

Sometimes  the  social  slip  takes  the  form  of  a  left- 
handed  compliment.  General  McClellan's  feelings  must 
have  been  sadly  mixed  at  hearing  himself  saluted  with, 


44  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

*<  General,  I  have  long  desired  to  meet  you.  I  have  al- 
ways believed  that  you  managed  the  army  as  well  as  you 
knew  how." 

"  I  don't  like  big  women,"  said  a  heedless  gentleman 
to  the  young  lady  at  his  side  at  dinner.  The  lady  bit 
her  lip,  and  the  gentleman  suddenly  remembered  that 
she  was  unusually  tall.  Wishing  to  repair  his  mistake, 
he  added  hastily,    ''  I  mean  when  they  are  young." 

"I  generally  see  you  in  church  on  the  day  I  preach," 
said  an  itinerant  clergyman  to  one  of  his  humble  hear- 
ers. *'Yes,  sir,"  was  the  response.;  *' there's  never 
any  crowd  on  that  day,  and  I  always  get  a  good 
seat." 

The  restriction  to  one  part  of  a  process  .... 
sometimes  whets  the  desire  for  a  change  into  fierceness.  — 
Holiday  Papers.     (Italics  should  follow  '*  whets.") 

Net-Work  —  Dr.  Johnson's  lucid  definition  of  net- 
work: "Anything  reticulated  or  decussated  at  equal  dis- 
tances, with  interstices  between  the  intersections." 

Verdict  of  a  Welsh  Jury—  Not  guilty  ;  but  we 
recommend  him  not  to  do  it  again. 

Comma  —  "On  this  shelf  you  will  put  books  and 
pamphlets  published  in  the  present  year."  As  the  sen- 
tence stands  "  published  in  the  present  year"  applies 
both  to  books  and  to  pamphlets  —  books  published  in  the 
present  year,  and  pamphlets  published  in  the  present 
year.  If  there  were  a  comma  before  "  and  "  the  mean- 
ing would  be,  "On  this  shelf  you  will  put  books  of 
any  date,  and  pamphlets  of  the  present  year."  —  allar- 
DYCE,  Stops. 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  45 

A  Portugal  Bull  —  There  are  bulls  in  Portugal  as 
well  as  in  Ireland.  The  Mayor  of  Estremadura,  offering 
a  reward  for  the  recovery  of  the  remains  of  a  drowned 
man,  enumerated  among  the  recognizable  marks  that  the 
lamented  had  a  "  marked  impediment  in  his  speech." 

Very  Destitute  —  A  writer  in  the  Dublin  Utiiver- 
sity  Magazine,  speaking  of  the  poor  in  Ireland,  says, 
<*Many  thousands  of  them  were  often  destitute  of  the 
only  food  they  possessed." 

He  merely  asks  leave  to  play  a  little  solo,  on  the  bag- 
pipes, of  his  own  composing.  (Italics  should  follow 
*'play.") 

Baptism  —  Mistress  ;  *'  Were  you  baptized,  Keziah, 
when  you  were  named  ?  " 

Maid:  *'Law,  ma'am,  we  don't  baptize  in  our 
church;  we  t'mmer^e."  —  Harvard  Lampoon. 

An  M.  D.'s  Prescription — There  are  on  record 
some  very  amusing  blunders  of  the  medical  fraternity. 
It  is  related  that  during  a  land  speculation  in  Chicago  a 
certain  old  doctor  became  so  interested  that  he  was  some- 
what absent-minded  toward  his  patients.  He  omitted 
the  directions  from  a  prescription,  and  when  reminded 
of  his  omission  replied,  "Take  a  quarter  down;  bal- 
ance in  one,  two,  and  three  years,"  and  ran  out  to  meet 
an  engagement  with  a  land  operator. 

Infallible  Medicine — I  continued  using  it,  and 
by  the  time  I  had  taken  five  bottles  I  found  myself 
completely  cured,  after  having  been  brought  so  near  the 
gates  of  death  by  your  infallible  medicine. 


46  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

Convalescent  —  Miss  Charity  Grace  :  "  Good  morn- 
ing, Mrs.  Callahan.  I  dropped  in  to  let  you  know  that 
I  heard  that  Phelim  was  convalescent.     I  am  so " 

Mrs.  Callahan:  "  Indade,  mem,  an'  fhoo  towld 
yez?" 

Miss  Charity  Grace  :     *' Tommy  Casey." 

Mrs.  Callahan  :  ^'Arrah  !  now,  that's  anither  av 
Tommy  Casey's  loies,  bad  cess  to  him.  Dade,  mem, 
Phelim  is  no  sich  t'ing.  He's  mooch  better,  an'  is  git- 
tin'  on  foinely,  praise  be  to  hivin  !  "  —  Light. 

A  Musical  Critic  —  An  "eminent"  musical  critic  is 
of  opinion  that  a  distinguished  violinist's  '*  tone  is  as  rich 
and  round  as  ever,  and  his  command  of  the  key-board 
[s^c]  quite  as  masterly  ! " 

The  Point  Well  Taken  —  Attorney,  to  witness  : 
*' You  drive  a  wagon." 

Witness:     "No,  sir  ;  I  drive  a  horse." 

"All  metals  are  not  denser  than  water."  (Italics 
should  precede  "all.") 

A  Break  at  Court  —  When  the  celebrated  Irish 
beauty.  Lady  C  — ,  was  presented  at  Court,  his  majesty, 
George  the  Second,  politely  hoped  "that,  since  her  ar- 
rival in  England,  she  had  been  entertained  with  the  gay- 
eties  of  London."  "  O,  yes,  please  your  majesty,  I  have 
seen  every  sight  in  London  worth  seeing,  except  a  coro- 
nation." 

A  Mixed  Statement  —  A  South  Jersey  paper  makes 
the  remarkable  statement  that  "thin  people  are  very 
thick  in  this  neighborhood," 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  47 

A  Learned  Judge's  Sentences  —  In  sentencing  a 
prisoner  convicted  of  stealing  from  his  employer,  Ser- 
geant Arabin  thus  addressed  him  :  ' '  Prisoner  at  the  bar, 
if  ever  there  was  a  clearer  case  than  this  of  a  man  rob- 
bing his  master  this  case  is  that  case."  Having  to  pass 
judgment  on  a  middle-aged  man,  who,  convicted  upon 
three  indictments,  had-  pleaded  guilty  to  more,  Arabin 
said,  ''Prisoner  at  the  bar,  you  have  been  found  guilty 
on  several  indictments,  and  it  is  in  my  power  to  subject 
you  to  transportation  for  a  period  very  considerably  be- 
yond the  term  of  your  natural  life,  but  the  Court,  in  its 
mercy,  will  not  go  so  far  as  it  lawfully  might,  and  the 
sentence  is  that  you  be  transported  for  two  periods  of 
seven  years  each."  In  sentencing  a  man  to  a  compara- 
tively light  punishment  he  used  these  words  :  "Pris- 
oner at  the  bar,  there  are  mitigating  circumstances  in 
this  case  that  induce  me  to  take  a  lenient  view  of  it,  and 
I  will  therefore  give  you  a  chance  of  redeeming  a  char- 
acter that  you  have  irretrievably  lost."  He  once  said  to 
a  witness,  "My  good  man,  don't  go  gabbling  on  so. 
Hold  your  tongue  and  answer  the  question  that  is  put 
to  you."  —  Beiich  and  Bar. 

Wanted,  a  groom  to  take  charge  of  .two  horses  of 
a  serious  turn  of  mind.  (Italics  should  follow 
"groom.") 

Charles  Lamb  —  Charles  Lamb,  when  speaking  of  a 
horseback  ride,  remarked,  "all  at  once  his  horse  stopped, 
but  he  kept  right  on." 

Oratory — An  orator  is  credited  with  a  peroration  in 
which  he  spoke  of  "all  ranks,  from  the  Queen  sitting 
on  her  throne  to  the  cottager  sitting  on  his  cottage." 


48  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

An  Orphan  —  A  farmer,  wlio  was  left  a  widower, 
with  a  son  and  daughter,  having  on  one  occasion  to 
speak  of  the  latter,  said,  *'Sure  it's  an  orphan  she  is, 
barrin'  meeself  and  Mike." 

President  Harrison  urges  the  immediate  adoption 
of  smokeless  powder  in  his  message.  (Italics  should 
follow  *' Harrison.") 

Specimen  of  False  Syntax  —  A  man  who  was  sud- 
denly taken  sick  hastened  home,  while  every  means  for 
his  recovery  was  resorted  to.  In  spite  of  all  his  efforts 
he  died  in  the  triumphs  of  the  Christian  religion. — 
Printer's  Register. 

Sex — *'Yes,  I  am  opposed  to  American  girls  mar- 
ryin'  furriners,"  said  old  Mrs.  Sipes.  *'I'm  jist  that 
opposed  to  it  that  if  my  girls  can't  marry  people  of  their 
own  sex^  they  needn't  marry  at  all,  and  that's  all  there  is 
about  it ! " 

They  followed  the  advance  of  the  courageous  party, 
step  by  step,  through  telescopes.  —  albert  smith,  Moiit 
Blanc.     (Italics  should  come  after  "followed.") 

Bribery  —  Jim  Webster  was  being  tried  for  trying 
to  bribe  a  colored  witness,  Sam  Johnsing,  to  testify 
falsely. 

"You  say  this  defendant  offered  you  a  bribe  of  fifty 
dollars  to  testify  in  his  behalf,"  said  Lawyer  Gouge  to 
Johnsing. 

"Yes,  sah." 

"Now  repeat  precisely  what  he  said,  using  his  own 
words." 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  49 


<<He  said  he  would  git  me  fifty  dollars  if  I 


"  He  can't  have  used  those  words.  He  didn't  speak 
as  a  third  person." 

"No,  sah  ;  he  tuck  good  keer  dat  dar  was  no  third 
pusson  present.  Dar  was  only  two,  —  us  two.  De  de- 
fendant am  too  smart  ter  hab  anybody  list'nin'  when  he 
am  talking  about  his  own  reskelity." 

<'I  know  that  well  enough,  but  he  spoke  to  you  in 
the  first  person,  didn't  he  ?" 

"  I  was  the  fust  pusson  myself." 

"  You  don't  understand  me.  When  he  was  talking 
to  you,  did  he  use  the  words,  '  I  will  pay  you  fifty  dol- 
lars ? '  " 

'*No,  boss;  he  didn't  say  nuffin  about  you  payin' 
me  fifty  dollars.  Yore  name  wasn't  mentioned,  '  ceptin ' 
dat  he  tole  me  ef  eber  I  got  inter  a  scrape  dat  you  was 
de  best  lawyer  in  San  An  tone  to  fool  the  judge  and  jury  ; 
in  fac',  you  was  the  best  lawyer  in  de  town  fer  coverin' 
up  any  kind  of  reskelity." 

•'You  can  step  down." 

Address  —  Mike  :  "It's  like  owld  times  to  see  you 
again,  Pat.  Why  did  you  niver  wroite  me  a  letther 
since  last  we  mit  ?  " 

Pat :     "  Oi  didn't  know  yer  address,  Moike." 
Mike:      "  Thin  why,  in  the  name   o'   sinse,    did   ye 
not  wroite  fur  it  ?  " 

A  Deadly  Drug  —  When  Payne  Knight  committed 
suicide,  the  drug  he  had  recourse  to  was  the  strongest 
prussic  acid.  "  I  understand,"  Rogers  notes  in  his  diary, 
"he  was  dead  before  it  touched  his  lips."  The  drug 
must  have  realized  Artemus  Ward's  injunction,  "im- 
mediately, if  not  sooner." 


60  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

Porous  Plaster  Company's  Advertisement  — 
Those  who  use  our  goods  are  very  much  attached  to 
them. —  Rochester  Budget. 

I  struck  the  animal  with  my  knife  on  the  head,  which, 
being  made  of  bad  steel,  broke.  (Italics  should  follow 
''animal.") 

Notice  by  a  London  Firm  —  We  warn  everybody 
against  unscrupulous  persons  who  infringe  our  title  to 
deceive  the  public. 

Nice  Way  to  Put  It —  ''That's  a  nice  way  to  put 
it,"  said  the  editor. 

"What  have  I  done  now  ?  "  asked  the  assistant. 

"  You  say  here  that  '  we  are  happy  to  announce  that 
the  type-setter,  who  was  fatally  injured  in  this  office  three 
weeks  ago,  has  entirely  recovered,  and  is  now  able  to  be 
about.'" 

Nicely  Said  —  Lady,  to  famous  animal-painter: 
"  It  is  a  great  pleasure  to  me  to  meet  you.  I  adore 
animals." — Harpers  Bazar. 

Mind  Your  Stops  —  The  omission  of  a  comma  has 
frequently  given  a  very  awkward  turn  to  a  sentence. 
A  printer,  meddling  with  the  verdict  of  a  coroner's 
jury,  struck  out  a  comma  after  the  word  "apoplexy," 
making  it  read  thus  : 

"  Deceased  came  to  his  death  by  excessive  drinking, 
producing  apoplexy  in  the  minds  of  the  jury." 

Very  Polite  —  Miss  Constance:  "I  am  so  glad 
you   think  I   have   improved  in  my  playing  of  that  noc- 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  51 

turne,  Mr.  O'Donnell.     I   hope  to  be  perfect  in  it  next 
time  we  meet." 

Mr.  O'Donnell,  gallantly:  "Ah,  Miss  Constance, 
I  hope,  sure,  we  shall  meet  before  that." 

To  rent,  a  house  containing  ten  rooms,  located  in  a 
pleasant  village  which  has  a  fine  bay  window  in  front. 

An  Actor's  Blunder  —  An  absurd  blunder  is  re- 
lated in  Tom  Moore's  "Diary"  about  Kemble.  When 
performing  at  a  country  theatre,  he  was  frequently  inter- 
rupted by  a  squalling  child  in  the  gallery.  Finally, 
angered  by  this  rival  performance,  he  walked  with  solemn 
steps  to  the  front  of  the  stage,  and  addressing  the  audi- 
ence in  his  most  tragic  tones,  said,  "Ladies  and  gentle- 
men, unless  the  play  is  stopped,  the  child  cannot  possibly 
go  on." 

A  New  Medicine  —  A  man  advertises  for  a  compe- 
tent person  to  undertake  the  sale  of  a  new  medicine,  and 
adds  that  it  will  prove  highly  lucrative  to  the  undertaker. 

Irish  Evidence  —  A  witness  giving  his  testimony  in 
the  Boston  Municipal  Court,  convulsed  the  bar,  tickled 
the  jury,  and  raised  a  smile  on  the  Bench,  by  the  follow- 
ing statement :  "  Ye  see,  may't  plaze  yees,  that  this  man 
got  a  stroke  and  fell  down.  Everybody  called  out,  '  Oh, 
he's  kilt ;  he's  kilt ! '  Then  I  steps  up,  and  I  hollied  out 
to  the  crowd.  If  the  man  is  kilt,  why  don't  yees  stand 
back,  and  give  him  a  little  air ! " 

The  prisoner  was  sentenced  to  four  months'  impris- 
onment m  the  House  of  Commons,  (Italics  should  fol- 
low "sentenced.") 


62  BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

Slightly  Embarrassed  —  The  following  was  over- 
heard between  a  Columbian  student  and  his  best  girl : 
<'0h,  Will,  what  lovely  flowers.  They  look  as  if  they 
had  just  been  gathered.  Why,  there  is  a  little  dew 
upon  them." 

Will,  slightly  embarrassed:  "Not  a  cent,  I  assure 
you ;  not  a  cent." — Mail  and  Express. 

A  Pennsylvania  Bull — Mr.   W ,  an  attorney, 

many  years  ago  lived  in  a  "  backwoods "  county  of 
Pennsylvania.  He  was  a  genuine  Irishman,  and  as 
good-hearted  a  soul  as  ever  landed  from  the  "  ould  sod." 
He  was  possessed  of  very  little  learning,  and  always 
went  about  business  in  a  way  peculiarly  his  own.  Fear- 
ing that  judgment  would  be  entered  against  a  client  upon 
a  judgment  bond  obtained  by  fraud,  he  prepared  a  mo- 
tion and  an  affidavit  of  the  facts  supporting  it,  and  hur- 
rying into  court  said, 

"May  it  plaze  yer  Honors,  I  jest  want  to  move  the 
co-r-r-rt  to  strike  off  a  judgment  that  hasn't  been  entered 
at  all,  at  all." 

The  Judge  said  to  him  very  pleasantly,    "I  think 

you  are  a  little  too    premature,   Mr.    W .     Hadn't 

you  better  wait  till  the  judgment  is  entered  ?" 

"And  may  it  plaze  the  co-r-r-rt,"  said  W ,  "I'm 

jest  fearin'  they'll  never  enter  it,  and  that's  why  I  want 
it  struck  off." 

Tombstone  Literature  —  In  a  sequestered  Califor- 
nian  burial-ground,  far  from  the  haunts  of  men,  a  stone 
was  recently  discovered,  bearing  the  simple  explanation  : 
"To  Samuel  Constable. 
After  life's  scarlet  fever,  he  sleeps  well." — Cham- 
ber's Jour7iaL 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  63 

Irish  Advertisements  —  An  Irish  agricultural  jour- 
nal advertises  a  new  washing-machine  under  the  heading, 
"Every  man  his  own  washerwoman,"  and  in  its  culin- 
ary department  says  "that  potatoes  should  always  be 
boiled  in  cold  water." 

Complimentary  —  Miss  Teehee,  fishing  for  a  compli- 
ment :   "Do  you  think  I  am  very  old  ?  " 

Mr.  Blundering,  anxious  to  please:  "No,  indeed! 
You  are  not  half  so  old  as  you  look." 

I  rise  in  consequence  of  the  notice  I  gave  to  the 
House,  to  make  a  motion  of  as  serious  importance  as,  I 
believe,  ever  came  under  your  consideration,  to  the  inter- 
est and  honor  of  the  nation. — gen.  burgoyne.  (Italics 
should  follow  "importance.") 

In  a  Quandary—  "Pat,  if  Mr.  Jones  comes  before  I 
return,  tell  him  that  I  will  meet  him  at  two  o'clock." 
"Ay,  ay,  sir;  but  what  shall  I  tell  him  if  he  doesn't 
come  ?  " 

Candle-Light —  A  bull  may  be  owing  to  a  limited 
amount  of  knowledge,  as  in  the  case  of  an  old  woman 
going  to  the  chandler's  for  a  farthing  candle,  and,  being 
told  it  was  raised  to  a  halfpenny  on  account  of  the  Rus- 
sian war : 

"Bad  luck  to  them  !  "  she  exclaimed  ;  "and  do  they 
fight  by  candle-light  ?  " 

Answering  the  Roll-call — "'Tintion!"  exclaimed 
a  sergeant  to  his  platoon;  "front  face,  and  'tind  to 
roll-call.  As  many  of  ye  as  is  presint  will  say  Here  ! 
and  as  many  of  ye  as  is  not  presint  w^ill  say  Absent !  " 


54  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

No  one  as  yet  had  exhibited  the  structure  of  the 
human  kidneys,  Vesalius  having  only  examined  them  in 
dogs. — HALLAM,  Literature  of  Europe. 

Typographical  Errors  —  In  an  obituary  notice  of 
Sidney  Godolphin  Osborne,  the  London  Times  describes 
him  as  the  author  of  the  celebrated  tract  "No  Go,"  when 
what  the  writer  meant  was  the  tract  No.  90.  But  no 
similar  excuse  can  be  urged  for  the  printer  who  made 
Tennyson's  famous  lines  read  : 

"Into  the  valley  of  death 
Rode  the  600." — walsh,  Literary  Curiosities. 

Punctuation  Points — There  is  a  great  virtue  in 
stops;  and  it  is  as  necessary  to  "mind"  them  as  to 
mind  one's  head,  with  a  stone  wall  in  front.  Fancy 
this  :  "Mr.  Chamberlain  hurried  on  as  fast  as  he 
could  on  his  hands,  tight  fitting  gloves  in  one  eye,  a 
glass  in  his  mouth,  a  cigar  on  the  top  of  his  head,  a  well 
polished  hat  and  Mrs.  Chamberlain  by  his  side."  It  is 
all  a  matter  of  a  very  few  stops.  The  following  was 
certainly  most  unfortunate  at  the  end  of  a  sweetheart's 
letter:  "God  preserve  you  from  your  affectionate 
George  ! " 


'&" 


A  Good  Driver  —  "Paddy,  do  you  know  how  to 
dfive  ? "  said  a  gentleman  in  front  of  a  coachman. 
"  Sure  I  do  ;  wasn't  it  I  upset  yer  honor  in  a  ditch  two 


years  ago  ?  " 


Railway  Accident —  A  Belfast  paper  is  responsible 
for  stating  that  a  man  "was  overtaken  by  a  passenger- 
train  and  killed;  he  was  injured  in  a  similar  way  about 
three  years  ago." 


BULLS    AND   BLUNDERS.  55 

In  stooping  down  to  drink  the  weight  of  the  cart 
forced  the  mare's  head  first  into  the  water,  and  before  she 
could  be  relieved,  was  drowned.  —  Glasgoio  Herald. 
(Apparently,  says  Dr.  Hodgson,  the  weight  of  the  cart 
stooped  down  and  was  drowned.) 

Goldsmith's  Poem  —  Goldsmith,  who  was  known  as 
a  most  fastidious  writer,  fell  a  victim  to  the  errors  of  the 
press.  In  a  beautiful  poem,  in  speaking  of  the  nightin- 
gale, he  wrote,  "And  that  low  tone,  more  sweet  than 
all."  The  printer  said,  "And  that  low  tone,  more  sweet 
than  ale." 

A  TowANDA  Sign  —  A  Towanda,  Pa.,  sign  reads 
thus:  "John  Smith,  teacher  of  cowtillions  and  other 
dances ;  gramer  taut  in  the  neetest  manner  ;  fresh  salt 
herrin  on  draft ;  likewise  Godfreys  cordjial ;  rutes  sas- 
sage  and  other  garden  truck.  N.  B.  —  A  bawl  on  frida 
nite ;  prayer  meetiu  chuesday ;  also  salme  singin  by 
the  quire." 

Look  Out — Every  one  knows  the  story  of  the  French- 
man who,  while  sitting  with  his  face  close  to  the  open 
window  of  an  English  railway  car,  heard  a  sudden  shout 
of  "Look  out !"  and  popping  out  his  head  accordingly, 
received  a  tremendous  bump  on  the  forehead  from  the 
projecting  pole  of  a  scaffolding  which  the  train  was  just 
passing;  whereupon  monsieur  exclaimed,  indignantly, 
"Inglisman  big  fool!  He  say,  'look  out!'  when  he 
mean  '  look  in  ! '  " 

A  Fine  Echo — When  Paddy  heard  an  Englishman 
speaking  of  the  fine  echo  at  the  Lake  of  Killarney,  which 
repeats  the  sound  forty  times,  he  very  promptly  observed, 


66  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

**  Faith,  that's  nothing  at  all  to  the  echo  in  my  father's 
garden  in  the  county  of  Galway.  If  you  say  to  it, 
'How  do  you  do,  Paddy  Blake  ?  '  it  will  answer,  '  Pretty 
well,  thank  you,  sir.'  " 

I  will  merely  say  that  ....  if  spared  to  occupy 
such  a  position  as  he  now  solicits  for  a  feio  years,  he 
will  not  only  discharge  most  ably  the  duties  etc. 
(Italics  should  follow  "occupy.") 

No  Monopoly  —  In  a  certain  district  in  the  High- 
lands, the  bell-man  one  day  made  the  following  proclama- 
tion :  "O,  yes,  O,  yes,  and  O,  yes;  and  that's  three 
times !  You'll  all  pe  tak'  notice  that  there  will  pe  no 
Lord's  day  here  next  Sabbath,  pecause  the  laird's  wife 
wants  the  kirk  to  dry  her  clothes  in ! " 

Tobacco  —  Mr.  Corncob:  "Now,  Marier,  why  will 
you  keep  a-talkin'  agin'  terbacker  ?  Why,  there's  old 
Peter  Flaxseed,  mos'  ninety,  and  has  alius  smoked  like  a 
ham-house." 

Mrs.  Corncob  :  "  Humph  !  He  might  a  bin  one  hun- 
dred by  this  time  if  he  hadn't." — Judge. 

He  was  driving  away  from  the  church  where  he  had 
been  married  hi  a  coach  and  six. — mrs.  gaskell, 
Wives  and  Daughters.     (Italics  should  follow  "away.") 

Absued  Epitaph  —  Here  lies  the  body  of  Lady 
O'Looney,  great-niece  of  Burke,  commonly  called  the 
Sublime.  She  was  bland,  passionate,  and  deeply  relig- 
ious ;  also  she  painted  in  water-colors,  and  sent  several 
pictures  to  the  exhibition.  She  was  first  cousin  to  Lady 
Jones. — A\>  Pawsey,   Wiltshire,  England. 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  67 

Misprints  —  It  must,  one  would  think,  have  been 
the  badness  of  the  '  copy '  that  induced  the  compositors 
to  turn  nhe  nature  and  theory  of  the  Greek  verb'  into 
'  the  native  theology  of  the  Greek  verb  ; '  '  the  conserva- 
tion of  energy'  into  *the  conversation  of  energy  ;'  and 
the  '  Forest  Conservancy  Branch '  into  the  '  Forest  Con- 
servatory Branch.'  Sometimes  a  ludicrous  blunder  may 
be  made  by  the  mere  closing  up  of  two  words;  thus  the 
orator  who  spoke  of  the  grand  Mother  Church,  had 
his  remark  turned  into  a  joke  when  it  was  printed  as 
grandmother  Church.  A  still  worse  blunder  was  made 
in  an  obituary  notice  of  a  well-known  congressman  in 
an  American  paper,  where  the  reference  to  his  '  gentle, 
manly  spirit'  was  turned  into  *  gentlemanly  spirit.' 

The  first  edition  of  the  English  Scriptures  printed 
in  Ireland  was  published  at  Belfast,  in  1716,  and  is 
notorious  for  an  error  in  Isaiah.  'Sin  no  more'  is 
printed  '  Sin  on  more.'  In  the  following  year  was  pub- 
lished at  Oxford  the  well-known  Vinegar  Bible,  which 
takes  its  name  from  a  blunder  in  the  running  title  of  the 
twentieth  chapter  of  St.  Luke's  Gospel,  where  it  reads 
*  The  parable  of  the  vinegar,  instead  of  '  The  parable  of 
the  vineyard.' — wheatley.  Literary  J^kmders. 

An  Irish  Report  —  This  passage  is  from  the  report 
of  an  Irish  Benevolent  Society  :  "  Notwithstanding  the 
large  amount  paid  for  medicine  and  medical  attendance, 
very  few  deaths  occurred  during  the  year." 

Typographical  —  The  omission  of  the  letter  *  n ' 
in  a  hotel  advertisement  made  the  strange  announcement 
that  mice  pies  would  be  furnished  for  the  delectation  of 
guests.  The  substitution  of  '  s '  for  *  a '  once  made 
similar  havoc  with  the  description  of  the  opening  of  a 


68  BULLS   AND  BLUNDERS. 

new  church  edifice  near  New  York,  it  being  stated  that 
it  took  place  under  very  suspicious  circumstances. — 
Pastime  Papers. 

Translation  —  He  who  construed  Caesar's  mode  of 
passing  into  Gaul,  summa  cUligentia,  on  the  top  of 
the  diligence,  must  have  been  of  an  imaginative  turn 
of  mind. 

An  Irish  Hostler  —  An  Irish  hostler  was  sent  to 
the  stable  to  bring  forth  a  traveler's  horse.  Not  know- 
ing which  of  the  two  strange  horses  in  the  stalls  belonged 
to  the  traveler,  and  wishing  to  avoid  the  appearance  of 
ignorance  in  his  business,  he  saddled  both  animals  and 
brought  them  to  the  door.  The  traveler  pointed  out  his 
own  horse,  saying,  "That's  my  nag." 

"  Certainly,  yer  honor;  1  know  that,  but  I  didn't 
know  which  one  of  them  was  the  other  gentleman's." 

Will  and  Shall  —  A  college  instructor  once  told 
his  class  that  nobody  but  a  New  Englander  was  sure  to 
be  able  to  distinguish  proi>erly  between  *' shall"  and 
"will ;"  and  the  Scotch  are  so  famous  for  their  weakness 
in  this  direction  that  the  story  is  told  of  a  Scotch  news- 
paper man  who,  when  applying  for  work  in  London,  was 
asked,  *<Have  you  learned  the  difference  between 
'shall'  and  *  will '  ?  "  replied  sadly  '<  No,  and  never 
will." 

In  a  Liquid  State  —  Said  Jerrold's  tipsy  companion, 
after  long  fumbling  in  the  dark  with  the  key,  at  the  door 
of  his  house, 

*'  I  see  how  it  is  ;  some  scoundrel  has  stolen  the  key- 
hole." 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  59 

The  figs  were  in  small  wooden  boxes  which  we  ate. 
(Italics  should  follow  *'figs.") 

Following  Instructions —  '< Remember,  Bridget," 
said  Miss  Clara,  ''  that  I  am  out  to  everybody  but  Mr. 
Sampson." 

A  little  later  Bridget  answered  a  ring  at  the  door. 

"Who  was  it,  Bridget  ?  "  asked  Miss  Clara. 

**  Young  Misther  Beaunecamp,  mum." 

"And  did  you  say  that  I  was  out  ?  " 

"Yes;  I  sed  yez  were  out  to  iverybody  but  Misther 
Sampson. "  —  N.   Y.  Sun. 

Boston  Criticism  —  Bridget,  new  acquisition  in  a 
Boston  household;  "Does  the  mantel  want  to  be 
dusted,  mum  ?  " 

Mrs.  Emerson:  "Inanimate  objects  cannot  want 
anything,  Bridget ;  but  I  wish  the  mantel  dusted." 

A  Paradox  —  A  paradox  is  a  seeming  absurdity,  and 
to  say  that  such  and  such  a  thing  seems  a  paradox  is 
to  be  guilty  of  the  tautology  that  it  seems  a  seem^ing 
absurdity.  It  reminds  one  of  the  Irishman's  remark, 
"My  pig  is  not  so  heavy  as  I  expected,  and  I  never 
thought  it  would  be." 

No  doubt,  if  we  could  choose,  many  of  us  in  Lon- 
don would  prefer  that  our  visitors  should  carry  their 
boots  in  their  hands  and  their  hats  on  their  heads,  rather 
than  the  reverse^  especially  upon  a  muddy  day. —  Ar- 
thur ARNOLD,  Through  Persia  by  Caravan.  (What  is 
the  reverse  f  Is  it  carrying  their  hats  in  their  hands, 
and  their  boots  on  their  heads  ?  Or  their  hands  in  their 
boots,  and  their  heads  on  their  hats  ?) 


60  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

An  Equivocal  Compliment — An  equivocal  com- 
pliment was  that  of  the  Irish  youth  who  dropped  on  his 
knees  before  a  new  sweetheart,  and  said,  ''Darlin,  I 
love  ye  as  well  as  if  I'd  known  ye  for  seven  years  — 
and  a  great  deal  betther." 

The  Hint  Direct  —  A  minister  at  a  camp-meeting 
said,  "If  the  lady  with  the  blue  hat,  red  hair,  and 
cross  eyes,  don't  stop  talking,  she  will  be  pointed  out  to 
the  congregation." 

Moses — Moses  died  on  the  seventh  day  of  Adar, 
the  same  day  of  the  same  month  on  which  he  was  born, 
his  age  being  exactly  one  hundred  and  twenty  years. — 
Talmud, 

An  Exciting  Chase — An  Irishman,  on  hearing  a 
description  of  a  particularly  exciting  chase  after  a  pris- 
oner, exclaimed,  "Faith,  I  wouldn't  have  missed  it  for 
five  pounds  if  I'd  seen  it." 

Prescription  Label — A  powder  two  hours  after 
eating  in  water. 

Vehicular  Aquatics  —  Miss  Fetherwate  :  "  Did  you 
enjoy  your  Florida  trip  ?  " 

Mr.  Glisson  :  "  Immensely.  We  took  in  the  whole 
St.  John's  River  by  easy  stages." 

Miss  Fetherwate  :  "Aren't  they  running  the  boats 
this  year  ?  "  — Judge. 

An  Official  Notice  —  Officer,  Royal  Irish  :  "Why 
were  you  late  in  returning  to  barracks  last  night,  Pri- 
vate Atkins  ?  "    Private  Atkins  :     "  Train  from  London 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  61 

was  very  late,  sir."    Officer  :     <'Very  good  !    Next  time 
the  thrain's  late,  take  care  y '  come  by  an  earlier  one  !  " 

It  is  curious  to  observe  the  various  substitutes  for 
paper  before  its  invention.  —  disraeli.  Curiosities  of 
Literature. 

We  are  frequently  surprised  to  find  that  some  one 
stole  our  original  thought  long  before  it  occurred  to  us. 

MRS.  ARCHIBALD. 

A  Sad  Procession — The  absurdities  of  an  over- 
heated imagination  are  to  be  guarded  against.  A 
preacher  recently  spoke  of  the  sad  procession  attending 
the  funeral  of  Abel.  — l.  t.  townsend,  Art  of  Speech. 

A  Prayerful  Answer  —  '<If  the  wind  blows  this 
way  for  another  hour,"  said  the  captain  on  board  of  a 
ship  in  danger  of  being  wrecked,  to  a  passenger,  who 
was  a  clergyman,  "  ice  shall  all  be  in  JTeaven.^^ 

"  God  forbid  V  was  the  j^rayerful  answer  of  the  di- 
vine. 

A  Fit  Suggestion — Two  men  went  into  a  hatter's 
to  buy  one  of  them  a  hat.  They  were  delighted  with 
the  sample,  inside  the  crown  of  which  was  inserted  a 
looking-glass.  "What  is  the  glass  for  ?  "  said  one.  The 
other,  impatient  at  such  a  display  of  rural  ignorance,  ex- 
claimed, "What  for  ?    Why,  for  yez  to  see  how  it  fits." 

Snoring — "Tim,  do  you  snore  when  you  are 
asleep  ?  "  said  an  American. 

"No,  never,  for  I  lay  awake  one  whole  night  on  pur- 
pose to  see.  " 


dSi  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

A  Highly  Gifted  Man  —  A  novel  contains  the  fol- 
lowing remarkable  statement :  '  'At  that  moment  the 
worthy  pastor  appeared  on  the  threshold  of  the  manse. 
His  hands  were  thrust  into  the  pockets  of  his  large,  loose 
coat,  while  he  turned  over  the  leaves  of  the  prayer-book 
and  wiped  his  spectacles." 

Embrace  —  A  local  exchange  says,  '*  The  guests  of 
the  Ottawa  house  embrace  an  unusually  large  number  of 
young  ladies." 

Pat's  Interim — "Pat,"  said  a  gentleman  who  is 
fond  of  using  high-sounding  phraseology  to  his  man-of- 
all-work,  *'I  am  going  to  town  at  ten  o'clock,  and  shall 
weed  out  the  cucumber-beds  in  the  interim."  "  In- 
terim," thought  Pat.  "  That's  mighty  quare  name  for 
a  garden,  any  how  !  "  "Is  Mr.  Smith  at  home  ?  "  asked 
a  visitor,  who  called  shortly  afterwards.  "Yis,  sorr ; 
ye'U  find  him  at  work  in  his  interim  there  bey  ant !  " 

A  glance  at  any  printed  page  will  show  that  in 
paragraphs  the  points  which  most  readily  catch  the  eye, 
even  more  notably  than  in  sentences,  are  the  beginning 
and  the  end.     (Italics  should  follow  "paragraphs.") 

Lady,  Calling  on  a  Friend  — "Oh,  isn't  it  splen- 
did ?  I  have  made  six  calls,  and  you  are  the  only  one  I've 
found  at  home  !  " 

Hotel  Announcement  —  In  a  hotel  not  one  hundred 
miles  from  the  top  of  the  Rigi  the  following  announce- 
ment gives  satisfaction  :  "Misters  and  venerable  voy- 
agers are  advertised  that  when  the  sun  him  rise  a  horn 
will  be  bio  wed."     That   announcement  sufficiently  pre- 


BULLS    AND   BLUNDERS.  63 

pares  the  visitor  for  the  following  entry  in  the  wine  list: 
"In  this  hotel  the  wines  leave  the  traveler  nothing  to 
hope  for." 

He  Followed  Instructions — Irate  wife:  **John 
Hawkins,  you  were  brought  home  on  a  shutter  again  last 
night.  I  want  you  to  understand  that  this  is  to  be  the 
last  time." 

John  Hawkins:     "Yes,  Matilda." 

The  next  evening  he  made  the  boys  promise  to  take 
him  home  in  a  wheelbarrow,  as  his  wife  objected  to 
shutters.  — Judge. 

Of  Course  —  "Gentlemen,  is  not  one  man  as  good 
as  another?"  "Uv  course  he  is,"  shouted  an  excited 
Irish  chartist,  "and  a  great  deal  hetther.^'' 

Foolish  Extravagance  —  Callo  has  a  son  at  college. 
The  other  day  he  wrote  him  a  long  letter,  in  which  he 
took  him  severely  to  task  for  his  foolish  extravagance, 
and  wound  up  as  follows  :  "Your  mother  encloses  £  5 
without  my  knowledge." —  Tid  Bits. 

His  creed  was  hidden  under  a  systematic  reticence, 
and  he  resisted  every  attempt  to  raise  the  veil  with  rather 
sujjerfmous  indignation. — leslie  Stephen,  Hours  in  a 
liibrary.     (Italics  should  follow  "resisted.") 

Wrong  Words  and  Phrases  —  Blunderers  who  have 
a  happy  knack  of  using  wrong  words  and  phrases  are 
rather  pleasant  to  meet  than  otherwise.  Blessed  with 
the  gift  of  "a  nice  derangement  of  epitaphs,"  they  keep 
themselves  and  every  one  else  in  good  humor.  When  old 
Deacon  Townley  alludes  to  angels  as  angles,  you  forgive 


64  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

him  for  an  over-long  "grace."  Mrs.  Townley  is  not 
generally  an  interesting  woman ;  yet  you  find  her  ex- 
tremely entertaining  when  she  bewails  the  deacon's  am- 
bition to  be  always  "cock  of  the  loharf.''''  Who  has  not 
laughed  at  Mrs.  Partington's  pity  for  over-worked  Job, 
whom  she  judged  to  be  incessantly  toiling  because  of  the 
many  signs  bearing  the  inscription,  "Job  Printing." 
But  in  this  field  Mrs.  Malaprop  holds,  and  long  may  she 
continue  to  hold,  the  chief  place.  She  must  form  at  least 
one  exception  to  her  lament.  "Ah  !  few  gentlemen  nowa- 
days know  how  to  value  the  ineffectual  qualities  in  a 
woman!"  for  Mrs.  Malaprop's  "ineffectual  qualities" 
will  long  be  treasured.  .Of  the  rest  of  the  sex  we  dare 
not  say  so  much,  since  so  many  of  them,  like  her  own 
perverse  Lydia,  are  as  "headstrong  as  an  allegory  on  the 
banks  of  the  Nile."  And  what  to  do  with  them  we  know 
not,  except  to  educate  them  on  Mrs.  Malaproj^'s  plan. 
Like  her  we  would  be  far  from  desiring  one  of  Eve's 
daughters  "to  be  a  progeny  of  learning."  What  has 
she  to  do  with  "simony,  or  fluxions,  or  paradoxes,  or 
such  inflammatory  branches  of  learning?"  Why  should 
she  meddle  with  "mathematical,  astronomical,  diabolical 
instruments  ? "  Instead  of  these  useless  branches  she 
should  "  learn  a  little  ingenuity  and  artifice,"  together 
with  "a  supercilious  knowledge  of  accounts  "  and  "geom- 
etry, that  she  might  know  something  of  the  contagious 
countries."  Certainly  she  should  be  a  perfect  "mistress 
of  orthodoxy,  that  she  might  not  miss-spell  and  miss-pro- 
nounce words  so  shamefully  as  girls  usually  do."  And 
you  will  admit  with  Mrs.  Malaprop  regarding  this  list  of 
subjects  that  "there  is  not  a  superstitious  article  in  it." 

A  War  Record  — ' '  Pat,  were  you  in  the  war  ?  " 
"'Dade  an'  Oi'  was,  sorr." 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  65 

<<Did  you  fight  till  the  last  armed  foe  expired  ?  " 
"Begorra,  Oi  did  that  same,  an'  a  long  whoile  afther 
intil  the  bargain." 

Passengers  are  requested  to  purchase  tickets  before 
entering  the  cars  at  the  company'^s  office.  (Italics  should 
follow  "tickets.") 

A  Modest  Request — A  Chatham  Street  establish- 
ment requests  the  public  "not  to  confound  this  shop 
with  that  of  another  swindler  who  has  established  him- 
self on  the  other  side  of  the  way." 

Hold  On  !  —  An  Irishman  got  out  of  his  carriage  at 
a  railway  station  for  refreshments,  but  the  bell  rang  and 
the  train  left  before  he  had  finished  his  repast.  "Hould 
on  ! "  cried  Pat,  as  he  ran  like  a  madman  after  the  car, 
"hould  on,  ye  murthen  ould  stame  injin  —  ye've  got  a 
passenger  on  board  that's  left  behind." 

Marvelous  Gymnastics  —  It  was  Sir  Boyle  Roche 
who  recounted  his  marvelous  performance  in  gymnastics 
when,  in  a  tumult  of  loyalty,  he  "stood  prostrate  at  the 
feet  of  his  Sovereign." 

Mistakes  are  Made  by  the  Best  of  Men — Mr. 
Jones  was  i;uniiing  for  Congress.  In  the  course  of  a 
speech  describing  himself  as  a  self-made  man,  he  said, 
excitedly,  "Why,  fellow-citizens,  my  parents  were  so 
poor  that  when  I  was  eighteen  years  old  my  mother  used 
to  have  to  tie  me  to  the  bed-post,  to  keep  me  from  falling 
into  the  fire,  whenever  she  went  to  the  spring  for  a  pail 
of  water  ! " 

Of  course  he  intended  to  say  eighteen  months. 


66  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

An  Anonymous  Writer — When  the  famous  letters 
to  the  Public  Advertiser  were  attracting  universal  atten- 
tion, Sir  Boyle  Roche  was  heard  to  complain  bitterly  of 
the  attacks  "of  a  certain  anonymous  writer  called 
Junius." 

Hostility — A  pedagogue  told  one  of  his  scholars,  a 
son  of  the  Emerald  Isle,  to  spell  ' '  hostility.  "  ' '  H-o-r-s-e, 
horse,"  commenced  Pat.  "Not  horse-tility,"  said  the 
teacher,  "but  hos-tility."  "  Shure,"  replied  Pat,  "an' 
didn't  ye  tell  me  the  other  day  not  to  say  boss  ?  Och, 
it's  one  thing  wid  ye  one  day  and  another  the  nixt ! " 

Advertisement^ — Run  Away  —  A  hired  man  named 
John  ;  Ids  nose  turned  ?//>  five  feet  eight  inches  high, 
and  had  on  a  pair  of  corduroy  pants,  much  worn. 

An  Irish  Usher  —  At  a  crowded  concert  the  other 
evening,  a  young  lady,  standing  at  the  door  of  the  hall, 
was  addressed  by  an  honest  Hibernian,  who  was  in  at-, 
tendance  on  the  occasion.  "  Indade,  miss,"  said  he, 
"  I  should  be  glad  to  give  you  a  sate,  but  the  empty  ones 
are  all  full." 

Superfluous  Words — Whenever  I  try  to  write 
well,  I  alvKiys  find  I  can  do  it.  I  shall  have  finished  by 
the  latter  ^ndi  of  the  week.  Iron  sinks  dovm  in  water.  He 
combined  together  all  the  facts.  My  brother  called  on 
me,  and  we  both  took  a  walk.  I  can  do  it  equally  as  well 
as  he.  We  could  not  forbear  from  doing  it.  Before  I 
go,  I  must  first  be  paid.  We  were  compelled  to  return 
back.  We  forced  them  to  retreat  back  fully  a  mile.  His 
conduct  was  approved  o/'by  everybody.  They  conversed 
together  for  a  long  time.     The  balloon  rose  ?//:>  very  rap- 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  67 

idly.  Give  me  another  one.  Come  home  as  soon  as 
ever  you  can.  Who  finds  him  in  money  ?  He  came  in 
last  of  all.  He  has  got  all  he  can  carry.  What  have 
you  got  f  No  matter  what  I  have  got.  I  have  got  the 
headache.  Have  you  got  any  brothers  ?  No,  but  I  have 
got  a  sister. 

All  the  words  in  italics  are  superfluous.  —  Alfred 
AYREs,   Verbalist. 

A  Flaming  Advertisement  —  Old  Dr.  Cook,  of 
Albany,  in  a  flaming  advertisement,  speaking  of  the 
extent  of  his  fame  and  his  powers,  says,  "There  is  no 
part  of  this  country  where  people  do  not  reside  whom  I 
have  not  cured." 

A  Gallant  Irishman  —  A  gentleman  was  dining 
with  a  party  of  Home  Rulers  the  other  night,  when 
somebody  insulted  the  Queen.  A  gallant  and  loyal 
Irishman  was  on  his  feet  in  an  instant.  "Sir,"  said  he 
to  the  culprit,  "  the  duello  is  not  now  in  fashion  ;  but  if 
you  had  made  that  remark  fifty  years  ago,  I  would  call 
you  out  to-morrow  morning." 

It  is  curious  to  see  how  very  little  is  said  on  the  sub- 
ject treated  in  the  present  essay,  bg  the  great  writers  on 
jurisprudence. —  henry    Rogers,    Essays    from      Good 
Words.     (Italics  should  follow  "said.") 

Not  Compulsory  —  Three  different  waiters  at  a 
Southern  hotel  asked  a  little,  prim,  precise  Harvard  pro- 
fessor at  dinner,  in  quick  succession,  if  h.e  would  have 
soup.  A  little  annoyed,  he  said  to  the  last  waiter,  "Is 
it  compulsory?"  "No,  sah,  I  think  it  am  mock 
turtle." 


68  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

Bad  Luck —  "Teddy,  my  boy,  jist  guess  how  many 
cheese  there  are  in  this  bag,  an'  faith  I'll  give  you  the 
whole  five."  <'Five,  to  be  sure."  "Arrah,  bad  luck 
to  the  man  that  tould  ye." 

Excursion  Tickets  —  A  steamboat  captain,  adver- 
tising an  excursion,  says,  "Tickets,  twenty-five  cents  ; 
children  half-price  to  be  had  at  the  office." 

It  is  almost  impossible  in  the  grovnng  darkness  to 
distinguish  land  from  water.  (Italics  should  begin  the 
sentence.) 

Begging  the  Question  —  The  fallacy  of  begging 
the  question  consists  in  taking  for  granted  that  which 
has  to  be  proved,  and  is  of  great  importance,  because 
the  fallacy  is  very  difficult  to  detect  and  explain,  and 
occurs  in  several  different  ways.  Sometimes  it  arises 
from  giving  a  name  to  a  thing,  and  then  supposing  that 
we  have  explained  the  thing.  A  wise  man,  as  well  as  a 
child,  may  reasonably  ask,  why  can  we  see  through  a 
glass  window  ?  Nobody  yet  has  been  able  to  give  a 
reason  why  glass,  crystal,  and  various  solid  things  can 
be  seen  through,  while  most  solid  bodies  can  not.  But 
we  sometimes  hear  it  said  that  we  can  see  through  glass, 
"because  it  is  transparent."  This  is  clearly  begging 
the  question ;  to  say  a  thing  is  transparent  is  neither 
more  nor  less  than  to  say  you  can  see  through  it.  The 
French  dramatist  Moliere  ridicules  fallacies  of  this  kind 
very  cleverly.  The  father  of  a  dumb  girl  wants  to  know 
why  his  daughter  is  dumb.  "Nothing  is  more  easy  than 
to  explain  it,"  says  the  physician  Ignorelle ;  "It  comes 
from  her  having  lost  the  power  of  speech."  "Yes, 
yes,"  objects  the  father,  "but  the  cause,  if  you  please, 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  69 

why  she  has  lost  the  power  of  speech?"  Ignorelle  is 
quite  ready  with  an  answer.  "All  our  best  authors  will 
tell  you  that  it  is  the  impeding  of  the  action  of  the 
tongue." — JEVONS,  Logic. 

Beer  —  An  illiterate  vendor  of  beer  wrote  over  his 
door  at  Harrogate,  "Bear  sold  here!"  "He  spells 
the  word  quite  correctly,"  said  T.  H.,  "if  he  means  to 
apprise  us  that  the  article  is  his  own  Bruin.'''' 

Dogs  will  be  shot  without  a  muzzle.  —  Oity  Ordi- 
nance.     (Italics  should  follow  "Dogs.") 

The  Member  from  Wicklow — One  of  the  members 
from  Wicklow  assured  his  audience  in  the  Lower  House 
recently,  that  "As  long  as  Ireland  was  silent  under  her 
wrongs,  England  was  deaf  to  her  cries." 

Absent-Mindedness  —  Absence  of  mind  is  one  of 
the  most  familiar,  and  often  one  of  the  most  mirth-pro- 
voking, of  ludicrous  things.  A  man  on  his  wedding  day 
becomes  so  absorbed  in  business  or  study  as  to  forget 
the  ceremony,  and  disappoints  the  bride ;  the  members 
of  a  Highland  funeral  company  stop  midway  in  their 
walk  to  the  churchyard^  on  discovering  tliat  in  their 
ebriety  they  have  forgotten  to  take  the  cor])se. — wiixiam 

MATTHEWS,   LL.D. 

Sympathetic  Visitor  —  "Mrs.  A ,  what  do  you 

suppose  makes  you  suffer  so?" 

Mrs.  A :    "  I  don't  know,  I'm  sure,  and  I  believe 

nothing  but  a  post-mortem  will  ever  show." 

"  You  poor  thing!  You  are  so  weak  you  could  never 
stand  that  I " 


70  BULLS    AND    BLUNDP:Rg. 

Sunday  School  —  An  Hibernian  sclioolmasler,  on 
settling  in  a  village  near  London,  advertised  that  he 
intended  to  keep  a  Sunday  school  twice  a  week,  Tuesday 
and  Thursday. 

Every  composition  is  fairly  liable  to  criticism, 
both  in  regard  to  its  design  and  to  its  execution,  but  the 
latter  must  be  judged  with  reference  to  the  former. — 
SIR  J.  T.  COLERIDGE,  Memoir  of  John  Keble.  (Italics 
should  follow  *'  regard.") 

Scotch  Bulls  —  Scotch  host,  beaming  with  smiles, 
to  her- dining  guests:  "Noo,  my  frens,  there's  an  auld 
sayin',  <  Mak'  yersels  at  hame ; '  for  I'm  at  hame,  and  I 
wish  ye  were  a'  at  hame  ! " 

Amiable  hostess,  wishing  to  put  matters  right: 
*'Hoot,  toot!  Never  mind  my  auld  man.  He  jist  says 
what  he  thinks  ! " 

First — Pat  Milligan  says  he  never  strikes  a  man  first 
unless  he  first  strikes  him. 

A  Mixed  and  Disorderly  Address  —  Gentlemen, 
the  apple  of  discord  has  been  thrown  into  our  midst ; 
and  if  it  be  not  nij>ped  in  the  hiul^  it  will  b.urst  into  a 
conflagration  which  will  deluge  the  world. 

I  can  only  deal  with  the  complaint  in  a  general 
way.      (Italics  should  follow  "  complaint.") 

Not  a  Bit  o'  Difference  —  A  business  man  of 
James  street  hired  a  laborer  to  cut  the  grass  in  his  yard 
and  tidy  up  about  the  premises.  At  noon  the  man 
returned  to  the  ofiice,    saying,    "I've   cleaned   up   the 


BUILS   AND   BLUNDERS.  Yl 

yard  and  cut  most  of  the  grass,  an'  sure,  sir,  a  man  he 
tould  me  I  was  in  the  wrong  yard,  but  he  said  it  would 
not  make  the  divil  a  bit  o'  difference,  be  dad." 

The  immediate  reason  which  led  Louis  XIY.  to 
convoke  the  Assembly  of  1682  was  in  order  to  strengthen 
his  hands  in  the  contest  he  was  carrying  on  with  Pope 
Innocent  XI. — JBessult  m%d  his  Contemporaries.  (Omit 
*'  in.  order.") 

Amusing  Advertisements  —  The  character  of  a 
people  may  be  known  by  their  advertisements.  In  a 
certain  enterprising  town  of  Pennsylvania,  for  example, 
in  the  "local  item"  department,  appears  the  following 
gracious  hint : 

"Our  popular  'host,'  Captain  Harte,  in  order  to 
cater  to  the  wants  of  his  friends,  has  made  arrangements 
to  supply  them  with  ice  cream  every  Saturday  evening. 
Those  in  want  of  this  delicious  bivalve  will  do  well  to 
call." 

In  the  same  organ  of  public  opinion  appeared 
recently  an  editorial  notice  of  certain  mammoth  swine 
just  slaughtered  by  a  Mr.  R.  The  following  is  the 
concluding  sentence  :  "  Those  who  wish  to  look  at  a  fat 
hog  should  see  Mr.  H.  before  going  elsewhere.'''' 

Punctuation  —  There  is  a  legend  of  a  Dublin 
criminal  trial  wherein  the  prisoner's  fate  hung  upon 
a  question  of  punctuation.  He  was  accused  of  robbery. 
The  principal  evidence  against  him  was  a  confession 
alleged  to  have  been  made  by  him  and  taken  down  in 
writing  by  a  police  officer.  And  this  was  the  incrimi- 
nating passage : 

"  Mangan  said  he  never  robbed  but  twice  said  it  was 


72  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

Crawford."  The  officer  explained  that  tne  meaning  he 
attached  to  it  was,  "  Mangan  said  he  never  robbed  but 
twice.  Said  it  was  Crawford."  ''Nay,"  cried  Mr. 
O'Gorman,  the  prisoner's  counsel,  after  a  careful 
examination  of  the  document,  "this  is  the  fair  and 
obvious  reading:  'Mangan  said  he  never  robbed;  but 
twice  said  it  was  Crawford.'"  This  explanation  had 
its  effect  on  the  jury  and  the  man  was  acquitted. — 
WALSH,  Literary   Curiosities. 

Mixed  Darkness — During  a  severe  windstorm  that 
played  havoc  with  the  clothes-lines  in  Washington  City, 
a  colored  maid-of-all  work  suddenly  emerging  from  the 
basement  of  her  residence  cried  out  excitedly,  "  Fo' 
de  Lawd,  missus,  all  de  han'ke'chi'fs  done  bin  stole, 
'cept'n  de  socks!  " 

Couldn't  Sleep — Many  persons  are  familiar  with 
the  story  of  the  gallant  young  Irishman  who  declared  to 
his  sweetheart  that  he  was  in  such  a  way  about  her  he 
couldn't  sleejy  at  night  for  dreaming  of  her. 

SouTHEY,  THE  PoET  —  Southcy,  whcu  ill  Dublin,  ex- 
ported a  famous  bull.  Rickman,  said  the  poet  in  a 
letter  to  a  friend,  was  in  company,  when  a  gentleman 
looked  at  his  watch  and  said,  "It  is  to-morrow  morn- 
ing !     I  must  bid  you  good-night." 

Last  week  I  intended  to  Jiave  tnritten  him  a  letter. 
(Read,  Last  week  I  intended  to  vjrite,  etc.) 

Rheumatism  —  Corker:  "My  fortune's  made,  old 
boy.  I've  discovered  a  sure  cure  for  rheumatism  in  tea- 
leaves." 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  73 

Wentman,   dubiously:     •*!   see.     But  how  are  you 
going  to  tell  when  they've  got  the  rheumatism  ?" 
''They?     Who?"* 
"Why,  the  tea-leaves  !  " 

A  Banker's  Letter  —  A  well-known  banker,  named 
Rosenthal,  directed  his  book-keeper  to  address  a  sharp 
letter  to  Baron  Y — ,  who  had  promised  several  times  to 
pay  what  he  owed  and  had  as  often  neglected  to  do  so. 
When  the  letter  was  written,  it  did  not  please  Herr 
Rosenthal,  who  was  a  very  excitable  man,  and  he  angrily 
penned  the  following  : 

"Dear  Baron  Y —  :  Who  was  it  that  promised  to 
pay  up  on  the  1st  of  January  ?  You,  my  dear  baron  — 
you  are  the  man.  Who  was  it  that  promised  then  to  set- 
tle on  the  1st  of  March  ?  You,  my  dear  baron.  Who 
is  it,  then,  who  has  broken  his  word  twice,  and  is  an  un- 
mitigated scoundrel  ? 

Your  obedient  servant, 

Moses  Rosenthal." 

Not  Dead  —  Two  Irishmen  were  working  in  a 
quarry  when  one  of  them  fell  into  a  deep  quarry  hole. 
The  other,  alarmed,  came  to  the  margin  of  the  hole  and 
called  out,  "  Arrah,  Pat,  are  ye  killed  intirely?  If 
ye're  dead,  spake."  Pat  reassured  him  from  the  bottom 
by  saying,  "No,  Tim,  I'm  not  d^ead,  but  I'm  spachless." 

The  death  was  announced  lately  of  the  great  states- 
man.     (Italics  should  follow  "death.") 

Wharf  Landing  Notice  —  At  one  of  the  wharves  of 
the  Eastern  Steamboat  Company,  of  Maine  :  "This  is 
a  privet  warf.    Compiny  not  responserble  for  axedence." 


74  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

Scatter  —  Mr.  D  — ,  an  odd  and  antique  resident  of 
a  Connecticut  village,  when  driving  his  cows  to  pasture, 
used  to  address  them  in  most  emphatic  terms.  One  day 
while  the  animals  were  in  an  uncommonly  frolicsome 
mood,  he  was  overheard  saying,  "  Yes,  scatter,  will  ye  ! 
Blast  ye  !  if  there  warn't  but  one  of  ye  ye'd  scatter  !  " 

Absentees  —  O'Dowd  :  "But,  bedad,  the  day's  at 
hand,  O'Brien,  whin  there'll  be  no  tinants  in  ould  Ire- 
land." 

O'Brien  :     <<An'  whin's  that  ?  " 

"Whin  the  landlords  that's  there  is  all  abshentees,  an' 
whin  the  tinants  is  all  landlords." 

"Arrah,  but  there'll  shtill  be  wan  tinant  left, 
O'Dowd." 

"An'  who'll  he  be?" 

'  <■  The  Lord  Lif t-tinant. " 

Harmony  of  Tenses  —  Nor  has  it  ever  been  seri- 
ously undertaken,  until  it  was  commenced,  within  the 
last  ten  years,  by  the  London  Philological  Society. — - 
Marsh.     (Read,  Nor  was  it  ever  seriously,  etc.) 

I  feared  that  I  should  have  missed  the  train  before  I 
reached  the  depot.  (Read,  I  feared  that  I  should  miss, 
etc.) 

Old  English  Rules  —  The  rigid  observance  of  old 
English  rules  in  the  South  Carolina  courts,  and  a  neg- 
lect of  the  same  on  the  part  of  Mr.  Petigru,  gave  rise  to 
the  following  passage  : 

"Mr.  Petigru,"  said  the  Judge,  "you  have  on  a 
light  coat.     You  can't  sj)eak." 

Petigru  replied,  "May  it  j)lease  the  bench,  I  con- 
form strictly  to  the  law,     Let  me   illustrate.     The  law 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  76 

says  that  the  barrister  shall  wear  a  black  gown  and  coat, 
and  your  honor  thinks  that  means  a  black  coat  ?  " 

<'Yes,"  said  the  Judge. 

*'Well,  the  law  also  says  the  sheriff  shall  wear  a 
cocked  hat  and  sword.  Does  your  honor  hold  that  the 
sword  must  be  cocked  as  well  as  the  hat  ?  " 

He  was  permitted  to  go  on. 

Yankees  —  An  Irishman,  describing  the  trading 
powers  of  the  genuine  Yankee,  said,  "  Bedad,  if  he 
was  cast  away  on  a  desolate  island,  he'd  get  up  the  next 
mornin'  and  go  round  selling  maps  to  the  inhabi- 
tants." 

Longevity —  *'  Longevity  ?  I  should  say  longevity 
did  run  in  the  family,"  said  Mrs.  Spriggins.  ''Why, 
John  was  six  feet  two,  Bill  was  six  feet  four,  and  George 
had  more  longevity  than  any  man  I  ever  see.  He  was 
six  feet  seven  if  he  was  a  foot." 

Full  of  Fleas  — Mrs.  De  Sour,  angrily  :  "I  want 
you  to  keep  your  dog  out  of  my  house  ;  it's  full  of 
fleas." 

Mrs.  De  Smart :  "  Fido  !  Come  here,  sir!  Don't 
go  into  that  house  again  ;  it's  full  of  fleas." — New  York 
Weekly. 

Age  —  A  primary  school  teacher  sent  home  for  a 
written  statement  in  regard  to  the  pupil'c  age,  and  re- 
ceived the  following  :  "He  shall  have  seven  ears  next 
October  11." — Presbyterian  Journal. 

An  extensive  view  is  presented  from  the  fourth  story 
of  the  Delaware  Miver,     (Italics  should  follow  *'view.") 


76  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

The  Climate  All  Right  —  "  India,  my  boy,"  said  an 
Irish  officer  to  a  friend  on  his  arrival  at  Calcutta,  <'is 
the  finest  climate  under  the  sun  ;  but  a  lot  of  young  fel- 
lows come  out  here  and  they  drink  and  they  eat  and  they 
drink  and  they  die,  and  then  they  write  home  to  their 
parents  a  pack  of  lies,  and  say  it's  the  climate  that  has 
killed  them." 

A  Logical  Fallacy — No  designing  person  ought 
to  be  trusted.     Engravers  are  by  profession  designers. 

They  ought  not  to  be  trusted hyslop.    Elements  of 

Logic, 

Though  some  x)f  the  European  rulers  may  be  females, 
when  spoken  of  altogether,  they  may  be  correctly  classi- 
fied under  the  denomination  kings.— alfoed.  (Italics 
should  follow  *'they  may.") 

Absent-Minded  —  A  good  story  is  related  of  a  Ban- 
gor lawyer,  noted  for  his  absent-mindedness.  He  went 
upstairs  the  other  day,  and  seeing  a  notice  on  his  office 
door,  *'Back  at  2  o'clock,"  sat  down  to  wait  for  him- 
self. 

Pronouns  —  Ambiguity  in  the  use  of  pronouns  is  well 
illustrated  in  a  story  by  Williams,  an  actor,  relating  his 
experience  in  riding  a  horse  of  Hamblin,  the  manager : 

*  *  So  down  I  goes  to  the  stable  with  Flynn,  and  told 
the  man  to  put  the  saddle  on  him." 

"On  the  man?" 

''No." 

*' Flynn?" 

"No,  on  the  horse." 

"Then,  I  mounted  him." 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  77 

<<The  man,  or  Flynn  ?  " 

"No,  you  stupid,  the  horse." 

*' Riding  up  the  street  I  met  Hamblin  ;  got  off,  and 
told  the  boy  to  hold  his  head." 

"  The  boy's  head,  or  Hamblin's  ?  " 

**  No,  the  horse's  head.  Then  we  had  a  drink, 
and—" 

«'  You,  and  the  horse  ?  '* 

<*No,  me  and  Hamblin  ;"  and  so  the  story  runs  on. 

But  we  shall  not  weary  our  readers  so  much  with 
dry  statistical  details,  as  with  summary  results  of  in- 
vestigations of  the  authenticity  of  which  we  have  fully 
satisfied  ourselves,  and  which  are  quite  beyond  suspic- 
ion.—  Oxford  and  Cambridge  Reviev^.  (The  writer, 
says  Hodgson,  seems  bent  on  wearying  his  readers  in  one 
way,  if  not  in  another.) 

Advertisement  —  Lost,  a  cameo  brooch,  represent- 
ing Venus  and  Adonis  on  the  Drumcondra  road,  about  ten 
o'clock  on  Wednesday  evening. —  Dublin  Paper, 

Luminous  Finger-Posts  —  Almost  everybody  has 
heard  of  the  finger-post,  which,  after  some  important  direc- 
tions regarding  the  roads,  bore  the  uselful  postscript,  "  If 
you  cannot  read,  ask  at  the  blacksmith's  shop."  But 
this  was  scarcely  a  match  in  absurdity  for  another  which 
was  of  late  years  exhibited  on  an  English  road :  "When 
this  post  is  under  water,  the  bridge  at cannot  be 


They  will,  too,  not  merely  interest  children,  but 
grown  uj)  persons. —  We8tininster  Review.  (Italics 
should  follow  "interest.") 


78  BULLS  AND   BLUNDERS. 

A  Hard  Working  Man  —  An  Irishman  at  a  temper- 
ance meeting,  referring  to  his  standing  in  society,  said 
that  he  had  been  a  hard  working  man  ever  since  he  was 
born. 

House  of  Commons'  Order  —  In  1784  the  Irish 
House  of  Commons  issued  the  following  order: 

<  *  Any  member  unable  to  write  may  get  another  to 
frank  his  letter  for  him,  but  only  on  condition  that  he 
certifies  with  his  own  handwriting  his  inability  on  the 
back  of  it." 

Preface  to  Shakespeare  —  Dr.  Johnson,  in  his 
celebrated  preface  to  Shakespeare,  says,  *'He  has  not 
only  shown  human  nature  as  it  acts  in  real  exigencies, 
but  as  it  would  be  found  in  situations  to  which  it  cannot 
be  exposed."  ' 

Strong  Testimony  —  A  miller  attempted  to  testify 
to  the  merits  of  a  powder  for  destroying  vermin  by  say- 
ing, "A  fortnight  ago  I  was  full  of  rats,  and  now  I 
don't  think  I  have  one." 

On  Duty — A  son  of  the  Green  Isle,  a  new  member 
of  Colonel  Gillam^s  Middle  Tennessee  regiment,  while 
stationed  at  Nashville  during  the  late  civil  war,  was  de- 
tailed on  guard  duty  on  a  prominent  street  of  that  city. 
It  was  his  first  experience  at  guard-mounting,  and  he 
strutted  along  his  beat  apparently  with  a  full  apprecia- 
tion of  his  position.  As  a  citizen  approached  he 
shouted, 

"  Halt !  who  comes  there?  " 

*'A  citizen." 

**  Advance,  citizen,  and  give  the  countersign," 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  79 

<<I  haven't  the  countersign;  and  if  I  had,  the  demand 
for  it  at  this  time  and  place  is  something  very  strange 
and  unusual,"  rejoined  the  citizen. 

<' An'  by  the  howly  Moses  ye  don't  pass  this  way  at 
all,  be  jabers,  till  ye  say  Bunker  Hill,"  was  Pat's  reply. 

The  citizen,  appreciating  the  "  situation,"  advanced 
and  cautiously  whispered  in  his  ear  the  necessary  words. 

<' Right  !  pass  on,"  and  the  wide-awake  sentinel 
resumed  his  beat. 

Store  Sign  —  Families  supplied  by  the  quart  or 
gallon. 

We  are  both  agreed  tliat  the  sentence  was  wrong. 
— BUCKLE,  Life  and  Letters.     (Omit  italics.) 

TjiuTH  AND  Veracity  —  Lawyer:  * '  Do  you  know  the 
reputation  of  Mrs.  Flannagan  for  truth  and  veracity?  " 

Witness:  "  Wall,  Squire,  I  guess  she'd  tell  the  truth; 
but  about  her  veracity — well,  now,  some  say  she  would, 
and  some  say  she  wouldn't." 

Ambiguous  Reference  —  An  advertisement  praising 
the  virtues  of  a  new  make  of  infants'  feeding-bottle 
winds  up  by  saying,  "  When  the  baby  is  done  drink- 
ing, it  must  be  unscrewed  and  laid  in  a  cool  place  under 
a  tap.  If  the  baby  does  not  thrive  on  fresh  milk,  it 
should  be  boiled." 

Half-Killed — "Do  you  want  some  nice  pork,  sir?" 
said  a  butcher  to  an  Irishman,  who  was  intently  regard- 
ing half  of  a  hog  hanging  outside  the  door.  "No,  sorr! 
Oi  was  only  wondherin'  whin  ye  was  goin'  to  kill  the 
other  half  o'  that  pig." 


80  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

Too  Much  Aboard — A  couple  of  honest  miners  near 
Deadwood,  with  too  much  aboard,  were  staggering  with 
difficulty  up  Two  Bit  Gulch. 

"Come  along,  ye  drunken,  blathering  spalpeen,  yez  ! 
Come  along,  now,"  said  one.  "Come  on,  Oi  say,  or 
Oi'll  blow  an  ounce  of  lid  inter  yez." 

"Blow  yersilf,  Paddy  Ryan.  To  the  divil  wid  yer 
blowing.  Fa'th  an'  yer  blow  a  ton  inter  me,  divil  a  bit 
will  Oi  come." 

Cheese  —  Diner:  "Waiter,  this  is  indigestible 
cheese,  isn't  it?" 

Waiter:  "  Yes,  indeed,  sah.  Dat  am  de  pure  ind'- 
gestible  jes'  in  from  de  fact'ry." 

The  destruction  was  immense  not  only  of  public  but 
of  private  property.     (Italics  should  end  the  sentence.) 

Mathematical  Precision — Aunt :  "Now,  my  dear, 
dear,  divide  this  apple,  and  give  the  biggest  half  to  your 
brother." 

Well-informed  child  :  "  If  it  is  divided  into  halves, 
aunt,  there  can  be  no  possible  difference  in  the  sizes.'* 

No  Depravity — Colored  gentleman:  "Permit  me. 
Miss  Simberly,  de  extreme  felicity  of  presenting  my 
seat." 

Miss  S :     "  Thanks,  kindly,  Mr.  Johnsing;    but 

don't  deprive  yourself." 

"No  depravity,  mam,  no  depravity  at  all,  I  assure 
you." 


Health —  "  Do  you  enjoy  good  health?  " 
"Yes  ;  who  doesn't?" 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  81 

Telegraphic  —  Probably  it  is  the  sense  of  the  incon- 
gruous that  takes  effect,  and  for  that  reason  death  mes- 
sages are  often  more  ridiculous  than  any  others.  ''We 
are  all  well  but  Sam,  and  he  died  yesterday,"  was  prob- 
ably indicative  only  of  the  sender's  desire  to  break  the 
news  gently — not  of  any  fears  for  "Sam's"  future  hap- 
piness. And  it  is  scarcely  to  be  supposed  that  any 
ghostly  visitation  induced  the  communication,  "Your 
mother  is  dead  and  wants  you  to  come  home."  "Just 
send  five  to  help  me  ;  am  starving  by  telegraph,"  was 
the  cry  of  one  impecunious  soul,  and  the  wonder  has 
been  since  as  to  the  exact  method  of  procedure  in  a  case 
of  "starving  by  telegraph." 

Good  Form  —  Usher,  at  reception,  pon^pously,  as 
Mr.  Foot  and  daughters  enter:  "Mr.  Foot  and  the 
Misses  Feet ! " 

Mr.  French  needs  a  surgeon,  icho  has  hroken  his  arm, 
(Italics  should  follow  "Mr.  French.") 

Enjoying  Sleep  —  Bridget:  "Enjoy  slape,  is  it! 
How  could  I?  The  minit  I  lay  down,  I'm  aslape,  an' 
the  minit  I'm  awake,  I  have  to  get  up.  Where's  the 
time  for  en  joy  in'  it?  " 

A  Landlord  in  the  Chair  —  Man,  in  back  seat,  ris- 
ing:  "Mr.  Chairman,  I  wish  to  move " 

Absent-Minded  Chairman  :   ' '  I've  got  several  vacant 

flats  I'd  like beg  pardon,  Mr.  Williams,  what  is 

your  motion?  " 

The  sad  faces  and  joyous  music  formed  an  incon- 
gruous sight. — WYNN,   WJiat  I  Saw  of  the  War, 


82  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

Bunions — "Dear  Sir:  Please  inform  a  constant 
reader  how  to  cure  bunions  in  to-day's  issue." 

There  are  no  bunions  in  to-day's  issue,  nor  in  yester- 
day's, nor  in  to-morrow's,  nor  in  any  that  is  to  come, 
and  were  you  a  careful  as  well  as  a  constant  reader  you 
would  have  grasped  this  fact  without  being  told. — Phil- 
adelphia Inquirer. 

Humorous  Transpositions  —  Transpositions  are 
among  the  most  amusing  blunders  of  speech.  Every 
one  has  heard  of  the  man  who  said  "tot  and  jittle"  and 
then  blushingly  corrected  himself  to  "tit  and  jottle." 
A  clergyman  in  Ohio  said,  "  For  now  we  see  through 
a  dark  glassly,"  and  the  same  man  spoke  of  some  one 
going  "headlessly"  to  destruction.  A  Providence  min- 
ister once  said,  "  turned  his  eyeless  sightballs  up  to 
heaven. " 

No  one  could  imagine  what  a  certain  speaker  meant 
when  he  said,  "  Biddy,  diddy,"  and  then  stopped,  and 
after  a  moment  of  confusion  said,  "Diddy,  biddy,"  and 
then,  with  scarlet  face  and  coldly  perspiring  brow, 
gasped  out,  "Diddy,  hiddy  biddy  doo."  Then  he  had 
to  sit  down  and  rest  a  While  before  he  could  say,  "  Did 
he  bid  adieu." 

"I  would  like  some  nins  and  peedles,"  said  a  lady  at 
the  small  wares  counter  of  a  Boston  dry  goods  store. 

"Beg  pardon,"  said  the  clerk;  "nins  and  peedles?" 

"Oh  !  pins  and  needles,  I  mean." — Wideawake. 

Hogs  —  Said  a  member  of  Congress  from  Ohio  to  a 
New  Yorker,  who  was  trying  to  tell  him  something 
about  hogs:  "You  can't  tell  me  anything  about  hogs. 
I  know  more  about  hogs  than  you  ever  dreamt  of.  I  was 
brought  up  among  hogs." 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  83 

The  riches  of  the  temple  gradually  disappeared, 
but  hy  whom,  or  when,  is  not  •  known.  —  Lempriere, 
Dictionary.  (Omit  '*by  whom,"  and  read  "how  or 
when.") 

Conscious  —  Two  Irishmen  were  talking  about  an 
accident,  when  the  following  colloquy  occurred  : 

"  Shure,  how  is  the  man  that  was  hurt?  " 

"  And  he's  no  bether." 

"Is  he  conscious?" 

"Yis,  he's  conscious,  but  divil  a  thing  does  he 
know." 

No  one  is  fit  for  a  king  who  cannot  rule  himself. 
(Italics  should  follow  "one.") 

Six  Feet — "Six  feet  in  his  boots!"  exclaimed  old 
Mrs.  B.  "What  will  the  impudence  of  this  world  come 
to,  I  wonder  !  Why  they  might  just  as  reasonably  tell 
me  that  the  man  had  six  heads  in  his  hat." 

Thanks  —  A    country    paper    prints    the    following 

card  of  thanks:     "Mr.  and  Mrs.  G wish  to  express 

thanks   to  their  friends  and    neighbors  who   so   kindly 
assisted  at  the  burning  of  their  residence  last  night." 

Whisky  —  A  grocer  in  Washington  advertises  that 
he  has  "whisky  for  sale  that  has  been  drunk  by  all  the 
Presidents,  from  Gen.  Jackson  down  to  the  present 
time." 

Where  is  the  man  or  minister  either,  who  has  not 
read  "Guy  Mannering?"  (As  if  a  minister  were  not  a 
man.     Read  "man,  even  a  minister.") 


84  BULLS   AND   BLUNDEKS. 

An  Irish  Maxim — "Never  be  critical  upon  the 
ladies,"  was  the  maxim  of  an  old  Irish  peer,  remarkable 
for  his  homage  to  the  sex;  "  the  only  way  that  a  true 
gentleman  will  attempt  to  look  at  the  faults  of  a  pretty 
woman,  is  to  shut  his  eyes." 

A  Colored  Wedding  —  '*Wy,  how  yer  do,  Nancy?" 
said  old  Hester,  addressing  old  Sanderson's  daughter. 
.  "  Didn't  yer  git  married  last  Sadday  night?  " 
*'  No;  the  weddin'  dat  come  off  didn't  take  place." 

Every  Inch  One — "Your  mind  is  in  a  twilight 
state,"  observed  the  good  man.  "You  cannot  differen- 
tiate the  grains  of  mistrust  from  the  molecules  of  a  rea- 
sonable confidence.  You  are  traveling  the  border  land, 
the  frontier  between  the  paradise  of  faith  and  the  arctic 
regions  of  incredulity.     You  are  an  agnostic." 

"  Divil  a  bit!"  said  Pat,  with  mingled  amazement 
and  indignation.    "I'm  a  Dimmycrat,  ivery  inch  o'  me." 

I  move  the  appointment  of  a  committee  to  report 
what  alterations  and  repairs  are  necessary  to  the  members 
of  the  next  General  Assembly.  (Italics  should  follow 
"  report.") 

A  Startling  Announcement  —  A  seaside  paper 
makes  the  startling  announcement  that  "  tan  shoes  are 
very  much  worn  this  summer.  Hundreds  of  the  cot- 
tagers wear  nothing  else."  A  pair  of  tan  shoes  certainly 
makes  a  very  cool  costume. —  Yonkers  Statesman. 

Sentence  Endings  —  Some  teachers  and  some  text- 
books maintain  that  a  sentence  should  never  end  with  a 
preposition  or  other  insignificant  word.       The  remark 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  85 

attributed  to  a  college  professor,  <'A  preposition  is 
a  bad  word  to  end  a  sentence  with,"  whether  authen- 
tic or  not,  is  instructive.  If  the  professor's  practice 
had  squared  with  his  theory,  he  would  have  said, 
"A  preposition  is  a  bad  word  with  which  to  end  a 
sentence  ; "  but  his  instinct  for  language  was  stronger 
than  his  doctrine.  His  practical  refutation  of  his 
own  theory  shows  how  dangerous  it  is  to  base  a  rule 
upon  one's  notion  of  what  good  use  should  be,  rather 
than  upon  what  it  is. —  adams  Sherman  hill,  Founda- 
tions of  Rhetoric, 

A  Shilling  Short  —  A  good  one  is  charged  to  an 
Irishman  playing  cards,  who,  on  inspecting  the  pool, 
found  it  deficient.  *'  Here  is  a  shilling  short,"  said  he  ; 
<'  who  put  it  in  ?  " 

Somewhat  Cloudy — '<Now,  Johnny,  suppose  the 
clock  should  strike  sixteen,  what  time  would  it  be  ?  " 
''That  would  depend." 
"On  what?" 
"On  what  time  it  was  when  the  clock  struck  sixteen." 

Broad,  white  roads  radiate  in  all  directions  shaded 
by  rows  of  tall  poplars.  ( Italics  should  end  the  sen- 
tence.) 

Epitaph  in  an  English  Churchyard  —  Here  lies 
J.  S.,  who  for  forty  years  lived  in  conjugal  happiness 
with  his  widow,  who  survives  him. — Harper'' 8  Maga- 
zine. 

Amusing  Mistakes — A  well-known  musical  com- 
poser was  conducting  a  rehearsal  of  one  of  his  works 


86  BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

when,  Avith  characteristic  energy,  he  exclaimed,  "Now, 
gentlemen,  Fill  up  the  blowing  fowl."  This  was  in- 
tended to  be  the  signal  for  the  entry  of  the  chorus, 
"Fill  up  the  flowing  bowl,"  but  the  laughter  evoked  by 
the  ludicrous  blunder  prevented  any  practice  for  some 
time. 

An  old  gentleman  marched  into  church  one  Sunday 
morning,  and  found  his  favorite  seat  monopolized  by  a 
stranger.  Choking  with  indignation,  he  sputtered, 
"  Sir,  are  you  aware  that  you  are  occupewing  my  pie  ?  " 

"What  is  so  fit  an  emblem  of  our  fleeting  life," 
said  an  impassioned  orator,  "  as  the  gaudy  flutterby  ?  " 
and  he  wondered  why  his  audience  was  moved  to  smiles 
by  the  comparison. 

"I  knew  that  she  was  an  old  maid,"  exclaimed  a 
young  friend  to  me,  "she  was  so  priif  and  stim."  And 
seeing  by  my  face  that  she  must  have  made  a  mistake, 
she  hastily  corrected  herself,  saying,  "I  mean  stim  and 
priff." 

Convincing  —  She:   "If    you    had    never    met   me, 
w^ould  you  have  loved  me  just  the  same  ?  " 
He,  convincingly:   "More." — Life. 

But  —  A  Scran  ton  paper  referring  to  a  serious  acci- 
dent to  a  little  child  says,  "The  best  medical  talent 
in  the  city  was  summoned,  hut  she  soon  revived." 

Besetting  Sins  —  Dr.  M'Cosh,  formerly  President 
of  Princeton  Seminary,  tells  the  story  of  a  negro,  who 
prayed  earnestly  that  he  and  his  colored  brethren  might 
be  preserved  from  what  he  called  their  "  upsettin'  sins." 
"Brudder,"  said  one  of  his  friends  at  the  close  of  the 
meeting,  "you  aint  got  de  hang  of  dat  ar  word — it's 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  87 

besettin',  not  upsettin'."  **  Brudder,"  replied  the 
other,  *'if  dat's  so,  it's  so.  But  I  was  a  prayin' de 
Lord  to  save  me  from  de  sin  of  intoxification,  and  if  dat 
ar  aint  a  upsettin'  sin,  I  dunno  what  am." 

Hand  to  Mouth  —  An  eminent  brow-beating  barris- 
ter once  described  certain  individuals  as  *' living  from 
hand  to  mouth,  like  birds  in  the  air." 

How  Many  Were  at  the  Party  —  Mr.  OJFlaherty 
undertook  to  tell  how  many  were  at  the  party.  *'  The 
two  Crogans  were  one,  myself  was  two,  Mike  Finn  was 
three,  and  —  and  —  who  was  four  ?  Let  me  see,"  count- 
ing on  his  fingers.  "The  two  Crogans  was  one,  Mike 
Finn  was  two,  myself  was  three,  and  bedad  !  there  was 
four  of  us,  but  I  couldn't  tell  the  name  of  the  other. 
Now,  it's  meself  that  has  it.  Mike  Finn  was  one,  the 
two  Crogans  was  two,  myself  was  three — and  —  by  my 
soul,  I  think  there  was  but  three  of  us  after  all." 

Shoes  — Try  a  pair  of  our  shoes  and  you  will  never 
wear  another. —  Eastern  Paper. 

Love  or  Money  —  An  Irish  member  of  Parliament, 
speaking  of  a  certain  minister's  well-known  love  of 
money,  observed,  '*.  .  .  if  the  honorable  gentleman 
was  an  undertaker,  it  would  be  the  delight  of  his  heart 
to  see  all  mankind  seized  with  a  common  mortality,  that 
he  might  have  the  benefit  of  the  general  burial,  and  pro- 
vide scarfs  and  hat-bands  for  the  survivors." 

HoE — '*  Where  did  you  put  the  hoe  I  saw  you  wid  ?" 
<<It's  gone  intirely,  feyther."  "Thin  I'll  break  ivery 
bone  in  your  body  wid  it  if  you  don't  find  it." 


88  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

Extract  From  a  Novel  —  The  notary,  meanwhile, 
as  was  his  custom,  walked  up  and  down  the  garden,  with 
his  hands  on  his  back,  eagerly  perusing  a  newspaper. 
— Fliegende  Blaetter. 

Bound  to  be  Ruined — "I  will  be  ruined,"  said  a 
Dublin  trader  to  his  English  friend.  "I  am  sorry  for 
it,"  said  the  other;  "but,  if  you  inill  be  ruined,  you 
know  no  one  else  can  prevent  it." 

Neither  —  A  good  example  of  a  bull  may  be  cited 
in  the  case  of  the  two  Irishmen  who,  fancying  that  they 
knew  each  other,  crossed  the  street  to  shake  hands.  On 
discovering  their  error, 

"  I  beg  your  pardon  !  "  cried  the  one. 

"Oh,  don't  mention  it,"  said  the  other.  "It's  a 
mutual  mistake  ;  you  see,  I  thought  it  w^as  you,  and  you 
thought  it  was  me,  and  after  all,  it  was  neither  of  us  !  " 

Rome  once  more  ruled  over  the  prostrate  nations 
hy  the  power  of  superstition.  (Italics  should  follow 
"Rome.") 

Mistaken  Identity  —  Several  years  ago,  a  darkey 
named  Tom,  living  at  Bowling  Green,  Kentucky,  was 
missed,  and  the  dead  body  of  another  was  found  under 
a  railway  trestle  a  short  distance  from  the  town,  and 
identified  as  Tom  by  his  friends  and  relatives.  The 
funeral  arrangements  were  being  made,  when  Tom  re- 
turned. The  burial  was,  however,  proceeded  with,  and 
shortly  afterward,  when  Tom  was  asked  how  he  felt 
when  he  came  back  and  found  that  he  was  being  mourned 
as  dead,  he  replied,  "Why,  Marse  Rochester,  just  as 
soon  as  I  seed  dat  nigger  I  know'd  it  warn't  me." 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  89 

A  Set-Off  for  "Shannon  Shore" — One  of  the 
most  curious  blunders  made  by  an  author  was  that  made 
by  Thackeray  when  collecting  material  for  his  Irish 
Sketch-Book.  Driving  along  a  road,  he  saw  at  due  in- 
tervals posts  set  up  with  the  letters  *'G.  P.  O."  upon 
them.  Overtaking  a  peasant,  he  inquired  the  meaning 
of  these  initials,  and  was  gravely  informed  that  they 
stood  for  "God  Preserve  O'Connell  !"  Out  came  the 
tourist's  note-book,  in  which  a  memorandum  was  at  once 
jotted  down  of  the  curious  statement.  In  the  first  edi- 
tion of  the  sketches  the  fact  was  duly  mentioned,  but  it 
was  suppressed  in  all  the  subsequent  issues,  owing  to  the 
tardy  discovery  that  the  initials  stood  for  "General 
Post-Office,"  indicating  that  the  highway  was  a  post- 
road. 

A  Wonderful  Trip — An  invalid,  after  returning 
from  a  Southern  trip,  said  to  a  friend,  "  Oh,  shure,  an' 
it's  done  me  a  wurruld  o'  good,  goin'  away.  I've  come 
back  another  man  altogether ;  in  fact,  I'm  quite  meself 


Rooms  to  Rent  —  A  landlady  advertises  that  she  has 
"a  fine,  airy,  well-furnished  bedroom  for  a  gentleman 
twelve  feet  square  ;  "  another  has  "a  cheap  and  desirable 
suit  of  rooms  for  a  respectable  family  in  good  repair ; " 
still  another  has  ' '  a  hall  bedroom  for  a  single  woman 
8  X  12." 

Alias — "Never  would  call  a  boy  of  mine  Alias," 
said  Mrs.  Jones,  of  Huntsville,  Alabama,  "  if  I  had  a 
hundred  to  name.  Men  by  that  name  is  alius  cuttin'  up 
capers.  Here's  Alias  Thompson,  Alias  Williams,  Alias 
the  Night-hawk,  all  been  took  up  for  stealin'." 


90  BULIS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

Mrs.  Parvenu — *'I'm  so  sorry,"  said  Mrs.  Parvenu, 
bidding  good  night  to  her  guests  after  the  reception, 
*' that  the  storm  kept  all  our  best  people  away." 

Noise  —  It  was  an  Irishman  who  said  to  his  wife, 
**  I  wish  the  children  could  be  kept  in  the  nursery  while 
I  am  at  home;  although,"  considerately  adding,  "I 
wouldn't  object  to  their  noise  if  they'd  only  keep  quiet." 

Acts  of  Assembly  —  Judge  Breckenridge  used  to 
relate  the  following:  '<I  once  had  a  Virginia  lawyer 
object  to  an  expression  in  one  of  the  Acts  of  Assembly 
of  Pennsylvania,  which  read  '  that  the  State  House  Yard, 
in  the  City  of  Philadelphia,  should  be  surrounded  by  a 
brick  wall,  and  remain  an  open  eiiclosure  forever;''  but  I 
put  him  down  by  citing  one  of  the  Acts  of  the  Legisla- 
ture of  his  own  State,  entitled  *  A  supplement  to  an  Act 
entitled  an  Act  making  it  penal  to  alter  the  mark  of  an 
unmarked  hog. ' " 

The  French  papers  say  of  a  recent  duel  :  "One  of 
the  combatants  was  unhurt,  and  the  other  sustained  a 
wound  in  the  arm  of  no  importance.''''  Which  arm  is 
this  ?  — Punch. 

Tea  —  Grocer:  "Half  a  pound  of  tea?  Which 
will  you  have,  black  or  green  ?  " 

Servant :  "  Shure,  ayther  will  do.  It's  for  an  ould 
woman  that's  nearly  bloind." 

Self-Convicted  —  An  English  gentleman  was  writ- 
ing a  letter  in  a  coffee-house,  and,  perceiving  an  Irishman 
stationed  behind  him  reading  it,  said  nothing,  but  fin- 
ished his  letter  in  these  words;     "I  would  sav  more; 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  91 

but  a  tall,  impudent  Irishman  is  reading  over  my  shoul- 
der every  word  I  write."  '< You  lie,  you  scoundrel!" 
said  the  self-convicted  Hibernian. 

Counting  the  Chickens  —  "I've  counted  'em  all," 
said  Pat,  *<but  that  little  speckled  one,  and  he  won't 
keep  still  long  enough  to  be  counted." 

Doings  of  a  Mad  Dog  —  He  bit  a  horse  on  the  leg 
which  has  since  died. —  Western  Paper. 

A  Letter  of  Sir  Boyle  Roche  —  A  letter  supposed 
to  have  been  written  by  Sir  Boyle  Roche  during  the 
Irish  rebellion  of  '98,  gives  an  amusing  collection  of  his 
various  blunders.  Perhaps  he  never  put  quite  so  many 
on  paper  at  one  time,  but  his  peculiar  turn  for  "  bulls" 
is  here  shown  at  one  view.  The  letter  was  first  printed 
in  the  Kerry  Magazine^  now  out  of  print. 

.  "Dear  Sir, —  Having  now  a  little  peace  and  quiet,  I 
sit  down  to  inform  you  of  the  bustle  and  confusion  we 
are  in  from  the  bloodthirsty  rebels,  many  of  whom  are 
now,  thank  God,  killed  and  dispersed.  We  are  in  a  pretty 
mess;  can  get  nothing  to  eat,  and  no  wine  to  drink  ex- 
cept whisky.  When  we  sit  down  to  dinner  we  are  obliged,, 
to  keep  both  hands  armed.  I  concluded  from  the  begin- 
ning that  this  would  be  the  end ;  and  I  am  right,  for  it 
is  not  half  over  yet.  At  jjresent  there  are  such  goings 
on  that  everything  is  at  a  standstill.  I  should  have 
answered  your  letter  a  fortnight  ago,  but  I  only  received 
it  this  morning  ;  indeed,  hardly  a  mail  arrives  safe  with- 
out being  robbed.  No  longer  ago  than  yesterday  the  mail 
coach  from  Dublin  was  robbed  near  this  town  ;  the  bags 
had  been  judiciously  left  behind  for  fear  of  accident, 
and  by  great  good  luck  there  was  nobody  in  the  coach 


92  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

except  two  outside  passengers,  who  had  nothing  for  the 
thieves  to  take.  Last  Thursday  an  alarm  was  given 
that  a  gang  of  rebels,  in  full  retreat  from  Drogheda, 
were  advancing  under  the  French  standard ;  but  they 
had  no  colours,  nor  any  drums  except  bagpipes. 
Immediately  every  man  in  the  place,  including  women 
and  children,  ran  out  to  meet  them.  We  soon  found 
our  forces  a  great  deal  too  little,  and  were  far  too  near 
to  think  of  retreating.  Death  was  in  every  face,  and  to 
it  we  went.  By  the  time  half  our  party  were  killed  we 
began  to  be  all  alive.  Fortunately  the  rebels  had  no 
guns,  except  pistols,  cutlasses,  and  pikes  ;  and  we  had 
plenty  of  muskets  and  ammunition.  We  put  them  all 
to  the  sword  ;  not  a  soul  of  them  escaped,  except  some 
that  were  drowned  in  an  adjoining  bog.  In  fact,  in  a 
short  time  nothing  was  heard  but  silence.  Their  uni- 
forms were  all  different  —  chiefly  green.  After  the 
action  was  over  we  went  to  rummage  their  camp.  All 
we  found  was  a  few  pikes  without  heads,  a  parcel  of 
empty  bottles  filled  with  water,  and  a  bundle  of  blank 
French  commissions  filled  up  with  Irish  names.  Troops 
are  now  stationed  round,  which  exactly  squares  with  my 
ideas  of  security.  Adieu.  I  have  only  time  to  add,  that 
J  am  yours  in  haste,   B.  R. 

P.  S. —  If  you  do  not  receive  this,  of  course  it  must 
have  miscarried ;  therefore  I  beg  you  to  write  and  let 
me  know." 

Fellow-Citizens — "Fellow-citizens!"  said  an  old- 
time  politician,  "  in  accordance  with  time-honored 
custom,  I  come  to  declare  my  political  sentiments.  You 
know  I  am  a  Democrat,  rocked  in  the  cradle  of  Democ- 
racy, and  was  never  anything  else,  and  never  shall  be. 
There  are  three  topics  that  now  agitate  the  State  :  the 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDEKS.  93 

United  States  Bank,  the  Tariff,  and  the  Penitentiary. 
I  shall  pass  over  the  first  two  very  briefly,  as  my  senti- 
ments are  well  known,  and  come  to  the  Penitentiary, 
where  I  shall  dwell  for  some  time.''''  It  was  long  before 
the  audience  could  allow  him  to  reach  his  destination. 

Fathoms  —  Captain:  <'IIow  many  fathoms?" 
Pilot :  ''  Can't  touch  bottom,  sir."  Captain  :  "Well, 
confound  it,  how  near  do  you  come?" 

Stove  —  Paddy,  on  being  told  that  a  certain  kind  of 
stove  would  save  half  the  coal,  said,  "Faith,  then,  I'll 
take  two  av  thim,  and  save  it  all." 

I  expected  last  year  to  have  gone  to  California  on 
business.      (Read,  I  expected  last  year  to  go^  etc. 

Bankruptcy  —  An  Hibernian  senator  once  gave 
notice  in  the  Irish  House,  that,  as  the  British  Parlia- 
ment had  passed  an  act  to  prevent  the  crime  of  bank- 
ruptcy before  it  was  committed,  it  was  his  intention  to 
move  for  leave  to  bring  in  a  bill  to  prevent  the  crime  of 
bankruptcy  after  it  was  committed. 

Teetotalism  —  A  teetotaler  asked  Pat  the  other  day 
if  he  ever  saw  a  teetotaler  drunk  ? 

"  Och  !  "  replied  Paddy,  with  earnestness,  "  I've  seen 
many  a  man  drunk,  but  I  couldn't  tell  whether  he  was  a 
teetotaler  or  not. " 

Mixed  Metaphors  —  Such  are  the  words  the  Em- 
peror has  always  had  in  his  eye. — German  Orator, 
Count  Frankenburg  pointed  out  to  his  countrymen  the 
necessity  of  "  seizing  the  stream  of  time  by  the  forelock." 


94  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

Klopstock,  the  Poet  —  Klopstock,  the  German 
poet,  was  once  visited  by  some  students  from  Gottingen 
to  have  the  meaning  of  one  of  his  stanzas  explained. 
After  reading  the  stanza  he  replied,  "I  cannot  recollect 
what  I  meant  when  I  wrote  it,  but  I  remember  that  it 
was  the  finest  thing  I  ever  wrote,  and  you  cannot  do 
better  than  to  devote  your  lives  to  the  discovery  of  its 
meaning." — The  Epoch. 

Gravestone  Literature  —  Here  lies  Bernard 
Lightfoot,  who  was  accidentally  killed  in  the  forty-fifth 
year  of  his  age.  This  monument  was  erected  by  his 
grateful  family. 

Playbill  —  A  playbill  announces  the  opening  of  the 
Theatre  Royal,  Dundee,  "  under  the  management  of  Miss 
Goddard  newly  decorated  and  painted.'''^ 

No  one  can  read  the  history  of  Stonewall  Jackson 
without  recognizing  all  the  qualities  in  him  that  go  to 
make  a  popular  hero.  (Italics  should  follow  "recog- 
nizing.") 

Widow  Mulcahey's  Sudden  Demise  —  In  a  West- 
ern village  an  Irishman  named  Casey  kept  a  small,  gen- 
eral store.  On  a  very  cold  but  clear  day  in  winter  a 
fellow-countryman  drop]3ed  in  and  was  greeted  by  the 
store-keeper  with  the  Avords, 

"That's  a  fine  day,  Mr.  Mooney." 

"It  is,  Mr.  Casey.     What's  new  wid  you  to-day?" 

"  Sorra  much  I  have  that's  new,  Mr.  Mooney,  but 
mournful  news.  You  heard  of  the  death  of  the  widow 
Mulcahey?     You  did?     Yis  — no?" 

"Not  a  word  av  it,  Mr.  Casey,  and  I  hope  it's  not 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  95 

true,  anyway.     But  what  disease  did  she  die  av?     The 
neighbors  '11  miss  her." 

<<  Well,  ye  see,  she  just  went  out  in  the  yard  to  the 
pump  with  a  pail  in  her  hand  to  get  a  drap  of  wather. 
She  fell  on  the  ice,  struck  the  back  of  her  head,  and 
thin  walked  into  the  house  a  corpse." 

Shellfish — Customer:  "Give  me  a  dozen  fried 
oysters." 

Waiter  :  '<  Sorry,  sah,  but  we's  all  out  o'  shellfish, 
sah,  'ceptin'  eggs." 

Disposing  of  the  Dead — "How  shall  we  dispose  of 
the  dead  ?  "  asked  a  recent  writer.  '*  By  keeping  them 
alive,"  was  an  Irishman's  grotesque  reply. 

How  He  Liked  Scotland  —  An  Irishman,  having 
been  obliged  to  live  with  his  master  some  time  in  Scot- 
land, was  asked  on  his  return  how  he  liked  that  country. 
To  which  he  replied,  "I  was  sick  all  the  while  I  was 
there;  and  if  I  had  lived  there  till  this  time,  I'd  been 
dead  a  year  ago." 

Letter  of  Condolence  —  A  New  York  politician,  in 
writing  a  letter  of  condolence  to  the  widow  of  a  late 
member  of  the  Legislature,  says,  "I  cannot  tell  how 
pained  I  was  to  hear  that  your  husband  had  gone  to 
heaven.  We  w^ere  bosom  friends,  but  now  we  shall 
never  meet  again." 

Western  Legislation  —  The  rules  of  composition 
are  not  closely  observed  in  some  of  the  Western  States. 
An  ingenious  scribe  drafted  a  bill  introduced  into  the 
Nebraska  Legislature  forbidding  "the  firing  of  any  pis- 


96  BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

tol,  revolver,  shot-gun,  rifle,  or  any  firearms  whatsoever 
on  any  public  road  or  highway,  or  within  sixty  yards 
of  such  public  road  or  highway,  except  to  destroy  some 
wild,  ferocious,  or  dangerous  beast,  or  an  officer  in  the 
discharge  of  his  duty." 

Pearl —  In  an  account  of  travels  we  are  assured  that 
*<  a  pearl  was  found  by  a  sailor  in  a  shell.'''' 

Distress  —  Even  when  positive  or  superlative,  is 
still  only  comparative.  ' '  Such  is  the  pressure  of  the 
times  in  our  town,"  said  a  Birmingham  manufacturer  to 
his  agent  in  London,  ''that  we  have  good  workmen 
who  will  get  up  the  inside  of  a  watch  for  eighteen  shill- 
ings." "Pooh!  that  is  nothing,  compared  to  London," 
replied  his  friend  ;  "  we  have  boys  here  who  will  get  up 
the  inside  of  a  chimney  for  sixpence  !  " — Tin  Trumpet. 

Impunity — ''And  now,  Mrs.  Sullivan,"  said  the 
counsel,  "will  you  be  kind  enough  to  tell  the  jury 
whether  your  husband  was  in  the  habit  of  striking  you 
with  impunity?  " 

"  Wid  what,  sir?" 

"With  impunity." 

"He  wuz,  sir,  now  and  thin;  but  he  sthruck  me 
ofthener  wid  his  fisht." 

M.   O'Quin   has    the  courage    to  denounce  the  sym- 
metrical arrangements  of  the  French  Budget  which  Mr. 
Gladstone  so  much  admires  as  little  else  than  a  delusion. 
— Saturday Revieio.    (Italics  should  follow  ' '  denounce. ") 

Saved  by  Tobacco — "  Tobaccy  wanst  saved  my 
life,"  said  Paddy  Blake,  an  inveterate   smoker.      "How 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  97 

was  that?"  inquired  his  companion.  "Oh,  ye  see,  I 
was  diggin'  a  well,  and  came  up  for  a  good  smoke,  and 
while  I  was  up  the  well  caved  in  !  " 

Affidavit  —  One  of  the  most  amusing  bulls  extant 
is  that  in  the  affidavit  of  the  Troy  policeman  who  swore 
as  follows  : 

"The  prisoner  sat  upon  me,  calling  me  an  ass,  a  pre- 
cioiis  dolt,  a  scarecrow,  a  ragamuffin,  and  idiot,  all  of 
which  I  certify  to  be  true." 

A  Scriptural  Text — "  I  take  my  tex  dis  morning," 
said  a  colored  preacher,  "from  dat  po'tion  ob  de  Scrip- 
tures whar  the  Postol  Paul  pints  his  pistol  to  de 
Fessions." 

A  Carpenter's  Bill  —  To  hanging  two  barndoors 
and  myself,  4s.  6d. 

People  have  been  crying  out  that  Germany  never 
could  be  an  aggressive  power  a  great  deal  too  soon. — 
Spectator.     (Italics  should  follow  "  crying  out.") 

Grippe  —  An  Irishman  describes  the  grippe  "as  a 
disease  that  keeps  you  sick  for  three  weeks  after  you  get 
well." 

Wanted  —  A  room  for  two  gentlemen  thirty  feet 
long  and  twenty  feet  wide. 

Rogers,  the  Poet  —  An  amusing  story  is  told  of 
Rogers,  the  poet.  He  was  in  Paris  with  a  very  old 
friend,  a  trifle  vague  in  his  mind.  Rogers  said  to  him, 
"I  was   walking  to-day   in  the   Champs  Elysees,  and 

7 


98  BULLS   AND   BLtJNDERg. 

was  met  by  an  old  lady  who  stopped,  and  looking  fixedly 
at  me,  said,  'Sir,  isn't  your  name  Rogers?  '  "  Pausing 
a  moment  he  was  asked  by  his  friend,  "Well,  and 
was  it?" 

The  New  Cemetery  —  Two  operatives  in  one  of  the 
border  towns  were  heard  disputing  about  a  new  ceme- 
tery, beside  the  elegant  railing  of  which  they  were 
standing.  One  of  them,  evidently  disliking  the  conti- 
nental fashion  in  which  it  was  being  laid  out,  said  in  dis- 
gust, "I'd  rather  dee  than  be  buried  in  sic  a  place  !  " 

"  Well,  it's  the  verra  reverse  wi'  me,  "  said  the 
other,  "for  I'll  be  buried  naewhere  else,  if  I'm  sj^ared." 

A  Church  Steeple  —  Smart  boy:  "If  you  were  up 
on  a  church  steeple,  on  a  goose's  back,  how  would  you 
get  down  ?  " 

First  Boy:   "Climb  down." 

Second  Boy:   "Jump  down." 

Smart  Boy:   "I'd  get  it  off  the  goose." 

First — "Och,  an'  what's  yer  honor  agoin'  to  give 
me,  seein'  as  it's  myself  that  saved  yer  honor's  house 
from  turnin'  to  ashes  intirely  ?  " 

"How  so,  Pat?" 

"An'  sure,  when  it  cotched  a-fire,  wasn't  I  the  sec- 
ond one  that  hollered  fire  Jirst  .^" 

A  pony  carriage  was  passing  along  Fifth  Avenue, 
when  in  turning  into  Wood  Street  it  fell  down  and  broke 
both  of  its  legs.  —  Pittsburgh  Paper. 

A  Life  Estate  —  A  justice  of  the  Irish  King's 
Bench,  in  deciding  a  will  case,  said  "he  thought  it  very 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  99 

clear  that  the  testator  intended  to  keep  a  life-interest  in 
the  estate  to  himself.''^ 

Educational — Easterner,  in  a  Western  town:  *'I 
don't  see  any  school  in  this  town." 

Westerner:  *'You  don't?  Guess  you  must  be  near- 
sighted. Don't  you  see  that  sign  over  that  there  door, 
'Teechin  Dun  Heer  ? '" 

Telegraphic  —  A  venerable  Irish  lady  in  Taunton, 
Mass.,  went  into  a  telegraph  office,  and  stated  her  wish 
to  send  a  message  to  her  son  in  a  neighboring  city. 
Whereupon  the  obliging  operator  asked  her  if  he  should 
write  it  for  her,  to  which  she  hesitatingly  responded, 

''Av  ye  plaze.  Mister,  I'll  do  it  meself,  for  James 
knows  my  handwriting." 

• 
Homer  was  7iot  only  the  maker  of  a  nation,  but  of 
a  language   and  of   a  religion. — Atlienmum.       (Italics 
should  follow  "maker.") 

Catachresis  —  The  abuse  of  a  trope,  or  an  apparent 
contradiction  in  terms,  as  when  the  law  pronounces  the 
accidental  killing  of  a  woman  to  be  manslaughter.  The 
name  of  the  Serpentine  River,  which  is  a  straight  canal,, 
involves  a  catachresis,  and  we  often  unconsciously  perpe- 
trate others  in  our  daily  discourse ;  as  when  we  talk  of 
wooden  tombstones,  iron  mile -stones,  glass  ink  horns, 
brass  shoeing -horns,  etc. 

Everyone  recollects  the  fervent  hope  expressed  by 
the  late  Lord  Castlereagh,  that  the  people  of  this  happy 
country  would  never  turn  their  backs  upon  themselves. 
This  was  only  a  misplaced  trope ;  but"  there  is,  some- 
times,   among  his,  fellow-countrymen,    a  confusion   of 


100  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

ideas  that  involves  an  impossibility.  An  Irishman's 
horse  fell  with  him,  throwing  his  rider  to  some  distance, 
when  the  animal,  in  struggling  to  get  up,  entangled  its 
hind  leg  in  the  stirrup.  "Oh,  very  well,  sir,"  said  the 
dismounted  cavalier;  "if  you're  after  getting  up  on 
your  own  back,  I  see  there  will  be  no  room  for  me." — 
Tin  Trumpet. 

Churchyard  Literature — Here  lies  father  and 
mother,  and  sister  and  I  — 

They  all  died  within  the  short  space  of  one  year ; 

They  all  be  buried  at  Wimble  but  I, 

And  I  be  buried  here.  — At  Belturhet,  Ireland. 

A  Teacher's  Circular — The  circular  of  a  lady 
teacher  spoke  of  her  character,  and  the  * '  reputation  for 
teaching  she  bears."  , 

Disperse — A  bull  is  sometimes  produced  by  the 
false  use  of  a  word,  as  in  the  case  of  an  Irish  watchman 
giving  evidence  at  a  police  office  : 

"What  18  this  man's  offense?" 

"He  was  disorderly,  your  worship,  in  the  strates, 
last  night." 

"And  did  you  give  him  warning  before  you  took  him 
into  custody?" 

"I  did,  your  honor.     I  said  to  him,  'Disparse! '  " 

Wanted  —  A  young  man  to  take  care  of  a  pair  of 
mules  of  a  Christian  dispositioji.  (Italics  should  follow 
"man.") 

A  Sidewalk  Recommendation  —  The  Boston  Tran- 
script  recommends   the    arrest  of   any   store   boy   who 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  101 

sweeps  off  the  sidewalk  of  ^ia  3row«ded  kireei  beiween^  8 
and  9  o'clock  in  the  morning.  The  Transcript  is  per- 
fectly right.  The  boys  must  leave  the  sidewalks  where 
they  are. —  Loicell  Citizen. 

An  Irish  Manager — "Ladies  and  gentlemen,"  said 
an  Irish  manager  to  his  audience  of  three,  *'as  there  is 
nobody  here,  I'll  dismiss  you  all  ;  the  performance  of 
this  night  will  not  be  performed,  but  will  be  repeated 
to-morrow  evening." 

Absent-Minded —  Customer  :      "Give  me  ten  cents 
worth  of  paregoric,  please." 
Druggist:     "Yes,  sir." 

Customer,  absent-mindedly  :     "  How  much  is  it?" 
Druggist  :      "A  quarter." 

The  Episcopal  Church  furnishes  the  assurance  of  an 
organic  and  unbroken  unity  and  succession  from  the 
apostles,  by  a  line  of  unhrohen  bishops,  down  to  the 
bishop  of  this  diocese.      (Italics  should  precede  "line.") 

Metaphorical —  An  American  orator  at  a  dinner  at 
the  Grand  Hotel  in  London  recently  made  use  of  the 
following  metaphor  in  his  speech:  "Let  the  Russian 
bear  put  his  paw  upon  the  fair  land  of  Australia,  and 
the  British  lion,  the  American  eagle,  and  the  Australian 
kangaroo  will  rise  up  as  one  man  and  drive  him  igno- 
miniously  to  his  lair."  This  is  almost  equal  to  Sir  Boyle 
Roche's  best. 

Errors  of  the  Press  —  For  "Fleshy  brown  noses," 
read  "  Freshly  blown  roses."  For  "  The  enemy  was  re- 
pulsed  with   great   laughter,"  read   "The   enemy   was 


102  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

repiiked * witli  "great  slaiiglitef. "  For  "Thieving  as 
usual,"  read  "Thriving  as  usual."  For  "Eating  a 
coachman,"  read  "Beating  a  coachman."  For  "Pota- 
toes of  Europe,"  read  "  Potentates  of  Europe."  For 
"Matter  of  heresy,"  read  "Matter  of  hearsay."  For 
"Fond  of  his  bottle,"  read  "Famous  in  battle." 

A  Sympathetic  Soul — Mistress,  to  new  hired  girl  : 
"  Bridget,  you  can  go  now  and  put  the  mackerel  in  soak." 

Bridget,  sympathetically:  "Sure,  ma'am,  air  ye 
rejuced  to  that  ?  " — New  York  Herald. 

An  Eloquent  Appeal — A  scholarly  advocate,  with 
a  defective  memory,  electrified  court  and  jury  with  the 
following  eloquent  appeal :  "  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  it 
is  better  that  ninety-and-nine  innocent  men  should  escape 
than  that  one  guilty  man  should  be  punished.  A — I 
mean  that  it  is  better  that  ninety-and-nine  guilty  men 
should  be  punished  than  that  one  innocent  man  should 
escape.  Well,  gentlemen,  you  read  your  Bibles  and 
know  what  I  mean." 

Devoted  to  Him  —  Jones  to  the  club  waiter  : 
"Michael,  if  I  should  die  would  you  attend  my  funeral  ?" 

Michael,  hastily:      "Willingly,  sir." 

Jones:  "Well,  Michael,  that  isn't  very  compli- 
mentary ! " 

Michael:  "No,  sir;  I  didn't  mane  that,  sir.  I 
wouldn't  be  seen  there,  sir." — N.   Yl  Mercury. 

Tombstone  Inscription  —  Here  lies  the  body  of 
James  Vernon,  Esq.,  only  surviving  son  of  Admiral 
Vernon  ;  died  23rd  July,  175.3. —  At  jSt.  Andrews,  Ply- 
mouthy  Ireland. 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  l03 

An  Accommodating  Judge  —  Judge  :  *' One  year, 
and  fifty  dollars  fine." 

Prisoner's  Lawyer  :  *'  I  would  like  to  make  a  mo- 
tion to  have  that  sentence  reversed." 

Judge:  <'A11  right.  Fifty  years,  and  one  dollar 
fine." 

Orthography  —  The  orthography  of  our  great 
grandmothers  was  uncertain,  says  Notes  and  Queries. 
The  old  Duchess  of  Gordon  used  to  say  to  her  crojiies, 
"You  know,  my  dear,  when  I  don't  know  how  to  spell 
a  word,  I  always  draw  a  line  under  it ;  and  if  it  is 
spelled  wrong  it  passes  for  a  very  good  joke,  and  if  it  is 
spelled  right  it  don't  matter." 

She  appeared  beautifully  embroidered  in  a  lovely 
white  silk  dress.      (Italics  should  follow  "dress.") 

Political  —  Well-meaning  Citizen:  "Now,  Pat, 
you  see  the  disgrace  these  low  politicians  have  brought 
on  the  .city,  why  don't  you  cast  your  vote  for  honest, 
respectable,  solid  men  ?  Now,  if  Mr.  Rutherford 
Stuyvesant  were  put  up  in  your  district,  would  you  vote 
for  him  ?  " 

Patrick:  "Stoyvesant,  sor?  Where  does  he  kape 
his  saloon  ?  " — Puck. 

Very  Sickly —  "It  is  very  sickly  here,"  said  one  of 
the  sons  of  the  Emerald  Isle  the  other  day  to  -another. 

"  Yes,"  replied  his  companion,  "a  great  many  have 
died  this  year  that  never  died  before." 

Stage  Fright  —  George  William  Curtis,  on  the 
occasion  of  his  first  lecture,  suffered  so  much  from  stage 


104:  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

fright  that  he  began  by  saying,     <' Ladies  and  gentle^ 
men,  the  pitomless  bott." — JV.   Y.  Indepe^ident. 

They  thought  that,  if  he  wanted  his  civil  rights,  he 
ought  to  have  sent  in  his  application  for  pardon  at  least. 
(Italics  should  follow  *'  ought.") 

Portraits  —  A  country  paper,  in  a  notice  of  a 
lecture  given  by  a  phrenologist,  said,  '*  Behind  the 
platform  is  a  large  gallery  of  life-size  portraits  twelve 
feet  high." 

Singularly  Malapropos  —  A  gentleman  sitting  in 
one  of  the  boxes  in  company  with  Lord  North,  not  know- 
ing his  lordship,  entered  into  conversation  with  him,  and 
seeing  two  ladies  come  into  an  opposite  box,  turned  to 
him  and  addressed  him  with,  <'Pray,  sir,  can  you 
inform  me  who  is  that  ugly  woman  that  is  just  come 
in?"  "O,"  replied  his  lordship,  with  great  good 
humor,  **that  is  my  wife.''''  *'Sir,  I  ask  you  ten 
thousand  pardons ;  I  do  not  mean  her,  I  mean  that 
shocking  monster  who  is  along  with  her."  '<  That, 
replied  his  lordship,  "is  my  daughter.'''' 

He  was  a  freshman  calling  on  a  young  lady  he  had 
known  as  a  hoy. 

Decline  —  Treating  of  the  French,  an  author 
observed  that  "the  decline  of  the  material  comforts  of 
the  working  classes  .  .  .  had  now  reached  to  an 
alarming  height.'''' 

Very  Unfortunate—  Pedestrian  :  "So  you  want 
work,  do  you?     Well,  you  can  get  it  by  going  to  that 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  105 

factory  over   there.     There  is  a  placard   on   the  door, 
sayiijg  there  is  work  for  people  of  both  sexes." 

Tramp:  **  Sorry,  boss,  but  that  don't  help  me  any. 
I  belong  only  to  one  sex." 

Force  of  Habit  —  Hostess,  to  young  Spriggins, 
M.D.:  *'Dr.  Spriggins,  will  you  have  some  of  the 
tongue?" 

Dr.  Spriggins,  absent-mindedly;  «<  Oh — er  —  let 
me  look  at  it,  please." 

Irish  Forecast  —  A  friend  of  mine  told  me  that 
he  was  at  a  funeral  sometime  since,  and  although  the 
church  stood  on  rising  ground,  it  was  so  wet  that  the 
corpse  was  covered  with  water  as  soon  as  it  was  let 
down  into  the  grave.  An  Irishman  who  was  at  the 
funeral  seemed  much  affected  on  seeing  the  water  cover 
the  coffin,  and  said  in  a  serious  and  feeling  manner,  "If 
ever  I  die  while  I  live,  which  I  hope  I  never  shall,  I  will 
not  be  buried  in  this  church-yard,  to  be  drowned  all  the 
days  of  my  life !  " 

Her  apron  was  torn  by  a  little  dog,  that  teas  trimmed 
with  pink  and  white  braid.  (Italics  should  follow 
**  apron.") 

Dentistry  —  An  enterprising  dentist  in  an  Ohio 
town  has  in  the  window  of  his  office  the  sign,  **  Your 
teeth  pulled  while  you  wait." 

Lecturing  on  the  Rhinoceros  —  The  lecturer  put 
his  foot  in  it,  when  he  prefaced  his  discourse  upon  the 
rhinoceros  with,  "  I  must  beg  you  to  give  me  your  undi- 
vided attention  ;  indeed  it  is  absolutely  impossible  that 


106  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

you  could  form  a  true  idea  of  the  hideous  animal  of 
which  we  are  about  to  speak,  unless  you  keep  your  eyes 
fixed  on  me." 

Headache  —  Goslin :  "Aw,  I  have  a  vewy  bad 
headache  this  mawning,  doncher  know."  Cuspid,  a 
dentist,  absent-mindedly  :  *'  Why  don't  you  have  it 
filled?" —  Greensburg  Sparks. 

A  careless  reporter  speaks  of  "  inventing  a  ballot-box 
arrangement  which  cannot  be  stuffed."  (How  a7i 
arrangement  is  to  be  stuffed  is  something  of  a  mystery. 

HART.) 

Cannibalism — Visitor,  to  nurse:  "Well  now,  Mrs. 
Denny,  and  where  are  the  children?" 

.  Mrs.  D — :   "Shure,  ma'am,  an'  the  ladies  up  at  the 
parsonage  has  got  them  for  dinner  this  day." 

Wine — "Dan,"  said  a  nouveau  nc^e  earnestly  to  his 
eldest  son,  "you  must  be  more  careful  when  you  get  in 
any  more  wine." 

"Which  wine  do  you  mean  ?  "  inquired  Dan. 

"The  claret.  I  heard  one  of  our  swell  friends  tell 
his  neighbor  at  dessert  last  night  that  the  claret  was 
very  old.     Get  it  fresh,  Dan,  no  matter  what  it  costs." 

Receipt  —  To  the  Editor:  Please  give  me  a  receipt 
for  cherry  pie.     Mrs.  Sparrowgrass. 

Send  on  pie  .and  receipt  will  be  forwarded  by  return 
mail. 

John  is  the  best  boy  in  the  village  that  attends   the 
academy.     (Italics  should  follow  "boy.") 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  107 

Not  a  Musician  —  Mrs.  Johnsing :  *'  Can't  stay  long, 
Mrs.  Snow;  I  just  cum  tu  see  ef  yo'  would  join  de  mis- 
sion band." 

Mrs.  Snow  :  "Fo'  de  law',  honey  !  doan'  cum  tu  me. 
I  cain't  even  play  on  a  mouf  organ." 

Following  Directions  —  Mrs.  McFudd:  "Och,  Pat! 
and  phat  are  yez  doing  in  that  tub  of  water  ?  " 

Mr.  McFudd:  "Faith  and  didn't  the  doctor  say  Oi 
should  take  a  shpoonful  in  wather  t'ree  times  a  day?  Oi 
know  me  business." — Judge. 

Believe  only  half  you  hear.  —  English  Proverb.  If  a 
man  tells  you  he  lives  at  375  Third  Avenue,  and  you 
wish  to  call  on  him,  always  go  to  187|^.  —  German  Puck. 

Well  Meant,  But  Awkwardly  Put — "So  glad 
you  haven't  forgotten  me,  dear  Lord  Varicose.  I  was 
afraid  you  would,  after  so  many  years." 

"Oh,  no.  Miss  Evergreen;  I  never  forget  old  faces!" 
—  Punch. 

Easy  Enough  —  Miss  Bagley  :  "Yes  ;  but  now  you 
must  forgive  and  forget." 

Miss  Faraway  :  "  Oh,  I  can  forgive,  but  it's  not  so 
easy  to  forget." 

Miss  Bagley:  "Nonsense!  I  can  tell  you  a  hun- 
dred things  I've  forgotten." — Harper'' s  Bazar. 

The  Currency  Question — "Fat's  all  this  talk  about 
the  currency,  and  the  five-twenties,  and  the  sivin-thirties 
that  I  hear  about,  Mike  ?" 

"Why,  bliss  your  sowl,  don't  ye  know,  Pat  ?  It 
manes  that  the  Government  wants  to  make  the  laborin' 


108  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

men  work  from  five-twinty  in  the  mornin'  till  sivin-tliirty 
in  the  evening." 

*'Och,  the  spalpeens,  may  the  divil  take  them." 

Boundless  Liberality  —  A  handbill  announcing  a 
Land  League  meeting  in  Dublin,  states,  with  boundless 
liberality,  that  *<  the  ladies,  without  distinction  of  sex, 
are  invited  to  attend." 

Personal  Column — If  the  gentleman  killed  in  the 
boiler  explosion  last  week  will  have  his  administrator 
call  at  No.  123  South  Fifth  Street,  he  will  hear  of  some- 
thing to  his  advantage. 

Rise  in  the  Seine  —  They  were  talking  to  Guibollard 
about  the  rise  of  the  Seine,  when  he  exclaimed,  "It  is 
all  humbug  !  I  went  to  Chatou  yesterday  ;  the  water 
seems  to  have  risen,  but  it  is  a  mere  deception." 

"How  so  ?" 

"I  had  chalked  a  mark  on  my  boat,  and  it's  in  the 
same  place  yet." —  Le  Telegraphe. 

The  astonished  Yahoo,  smoking,  as  well  as  he  could, 
a  cigar,  with  which  he  had  filled  all  his  pockets.  —  war- 
ren. Ten  Thousand  a  Year. 

In  a  State  of  Grace  —  Mrs.  Flanigan,  shaking  her 
fist :  "  'Tis  all  very  well  for  you  to  talk,  Mrs.  Brady, 
knowing  I'm  just  from  confession,  and  in  a  state  of 
grace,  but  just  you  wait  till  to-morrow,  when,  plaze 
heaven,  I'll  blacken  the  two  eyes  o'  ye  ! " — Life. 

Some  Literary  Blunders  —  The  pretentious  woman 
who  was  heard  to   say  that  she  had  never  read  Shakes- 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  109 

peare's  plays,  though  she  had  the  highest  opinion  of 
him  as  a  man,  makes  an  admirable  companion  picture  for 
an  excellent  old  gentleman  who  believes  unqualifiedly  in 
Boston  as  not  the  hub  only,  but  the  forward  wheels  also, 
of  the  universe.  Having  confessed  that  he  had  never 
found  time  during  his  busy  life  to  read  the  < 'immortal 
plays,"  he  was  advised  to  do  so  during  the  winter  then 
approaching.  In  the  spring,  a  friend  called  on  the  esti- 
mable citizen,  and  casually  asked  if  he  had  read  any  of 
the  plays  during  the  season  just  passed.  **Yes,"  he 
replied,  "  I  have  read  them  all."  "  Do  you  like  them?" 
returned  his  questioner^  feeling  his  way  anxiously  to  an 
opinion.  "Like  them!"  replied  the  old  man,  with  effu- 
sive ardor,  ''that  is  not  the  word,  sir!  They  are  glori- 
ous, sir ;  far  beyond  my  expectation,  sir  !  There  are 
not  twenty  men  in  Boston,  sir,  who  could  liave  written 
those  plays  !  "  His  naive  conceit  was  so  delightful  that 
his  friend  did  not  undeceive  him. 

A  Yorkshireman  was  advised  to  read  some  really 
good  book,  and  Plato  was  mentioned  as  likely  to  suit 
him.  Afterward  he  was  asked,  "Well,  what  do  you 
think  of  Plato?"  "Plato?  Oh,  that  Plato  !  I'll  tell 
you  what  I  think  of  him.  He's  as  big  a  humbug  as  evei* 
lived.     Why,  man,  Emerson  has  said  it  all  before  him!" 

Bismarck  is  greater  than  any  German  statesman. 
(Italics  should  be  followed  by  "other.") 

Lord  Dundreary — Lord  Dundreary,  having  an  ap- 
pointment with  his  cousin,  who  was  habitually  unpunc- 
tual,  to  his  great  surprise  found  him  waiting.  "Why, 
Tham,"  irawled  his  lordship,  "I  thee  you  are  here  first 
at  last.  You  were  always  behind  before;  but  I  am  glad 
to  thee  that  you  have  become  early  of  late." 


110  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

Elder  Podson — <' A  man  who'd  maliciously  set  fire 
to  a  barn,"  said  Elder  Podson,  <'and  burn  up  a  stable 
full  of  horses  and  cows,  ought  to  be  kicked  to  death  by 
a  jackass,  and  I'd  like  to  be  the  one  to  do  it." 

Emu  Eggs  —  A  Irish  bailiff,  accustomed  to  send  a 
faithful  account  of  the  state  of  domestic  arrangements, 
added,  in  his  letter  to  his  master,  *' We  have  a  number 
of  emu  eggs,  which,  in  your  lordship's  absence,  I  have 
set  under  a  goose." 

A  Minister's  Prayer — <<And  now,"  said  the 
colored  preacher,  '^Let  us  pray  for  the  people  on  the 
uninhabited  portions  of  the  earth." 

Lord  Palmerston  refused  to  join  Lord  Derby  on  a 
fraudulent  pretext. —  The  Press,  (Italics  should  follow 
<«  refused.") 

A  Mixed  Reference  —  An  Irish  attorney,  not  pro- 
verbial for  his  i^robity,  was  robbed  one  night  in  going 
from  Wicklow  to  Dublin.  His  father,  next  day, 
meeting  Baron  O'Grady,  said,  <'My  lord,  have  you 
heard  of  my  son's  robbery?"  "No,"  replied  the 
baron  ;   "whom  did  he  rob  ?  " 

Trouble  a  Pleasure —  "I  am  sorry  to  trouble  you 
so  late  at  night,  doctor,"  apologized  a  lady  patient  who 
had   severely    burned   her   hand.      "The   trouble    is   a 
^pleasure,"  politely  replied  the  doctor. 

A  Neav  York  Statute  —  The  Albany  Laio  Journal 
makes  mention  of  a  statute  of  New  York  which  allowed 
deductions  of  a  certain  number  of  days  to  be  made  on 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  Ill 

account  of  good  behavior  from  the  term  of  imprison- 
ment of  convicts,  with  a  proviso  that  the  statute  should 
not  apply  to  any  2^erso7i  sentenced  for  the  term  of  his 
natural  life. —  heard,  Oddities  of  the  liaw. 

In  Bad  Form  —  He:  "Mrs.  Redd-Clay,  allow  me 
to  present  to  you  my  friend,  Mr.  Reginald  Robinson." 

She,  who  always  tries  to  say  something  pleasant : 
**What  an  aristocratic  first  name  you  bear,  Mr. 
Robinson. " —  Judge. 

Mr.  Bailey  tells  the  story  of  his  career  as  a  newspaper 
man  with  great  enjoyment. — Newspaper  Correspondent. 
(Italics  should  follow  ''  tells.") 

Double  Meaning — The  double  meaning  which  may 
be  given  to  "twice  two  and  three"  arises  from  amphi- 
bology ;  it  may  be  seven  or  ten,  according  as  we  add 
the  three  after  or  before  multiplying. — jevons.  Logic. 

Ambiguous  Sympathy  —  She:  "I  hear  that  you  lost 
your  valuable  little  dog,  Mr.  Sissy." 

lie:  "Ya'as,  in  a  railroad  accident.  I  was  saved 
but  the  dawg  Avas  killed." 

She,  shocked  :    "What  a  pity!" 

Sign  in  a  Country  Barber  Shop  —  Hair  cut  and 
whiskers  trimmed,  twenty -five  cents;  children,  fifteen 
cents. 

An  Artless  Statement — In  a  perusal  of  a  very 
solid  book  on  the  progress  of  the  ecclesiastical  differ- 
ences of  Ireland,  written  by  a  native  of  that  country, 
after  a  good  deal  of  tedious  and  vexatious  matter,  the 


112  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

reader's  complacency  is  restored  by  an  artless  statement 
of  how  an  eminent  person  "abandoned  the  errors  of  the 
Church  of  Rome,  and  adopted  those  of  the  Church  of 
England." 

A  Dark  View  —  It  was  a  colored  pastor  who  said 
in  his  prayer,  "Oh,  Lord,  we  have  passed  through  many 
dark  scenes  and  unseens." 

A  Long  Sermon  —  Holy  Week  Notice:  Evensong 
will  be  said  at  8  r.  m.  ,  and  a  sermon  j) reached  from  Mon- 
day till  Friday  inclusive. —  Oxford  Diocesan  Gazette. 

He  said  that  he  would  erect  a  monument  in  the  dining 
room  of  the  hotel.      (Italics  should  follow  "said.") 

The  Death  Penalty — Lawyer:  "Have  you  con- 
scientious scruples  against  serving  as  a  juror  where  the 
penalty  is  death  ?  " 

Boston  Talesman:   "I  have." 

Lawyer  :   "What  is  your  objection  ?  " 

Boston  Talesman:   "I  do  not  desire  to  die." 

Hints  —  Never  write  about  any  matter  that  you  do 
uot  well  understand.  If  you  clearly  understand  all 
about  your  matter,  you  will  never  want  thoughts,  and 
thoughts  instantly  become  words.  .  .  .  One  of  the 
greatest  of  all  faults  in  writing  and  in  speaking  is  this, 
the  using  of  many  words  to  say  one.  In  order  to  guard 
yourself  against  this  fault,  inquire  what  is  the  substance, 
or  amount,  of  what  you  have  said.  Take  a  long  speech 
of  some  talking  Lord  and  put  down  upon  paper  what  the 
amount  of  it -is.  You  will  most  likely  find  tliat  the 
amount  is  very  small ;  but  at  any  rate,  when  you  get  it, 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  113 

you  will  then  be  able  to  examine  it  and  to  tell  what  it  is 
worth.  A  very  few  examinations  of  this  sort  will  so 
frighten  you  that  you  will  be  forever  upon  your  guard 
against  talking  a  great  deal  and  saying  little. — cobbett. 

Mixed  Metaphor  —  Brave  Irishman,  leading  his 
three  captives  into  his  general's  presence:  *'How  did 
you  take  them?"  said  the  general.  "Faix,  I  sur- 
rounded them." 

This  recalls  the  Irishman's  testimony  in  a  riot  case. 

"How  many  men  were  in  the  riot?"  asked  the 
Judge.  "Four,  your  honor;  three  in  the  center  and 
one  on  the  outside." 

To-Let  Notice  —  In  the  window  of  a  partially 
vacant  house:  "The  upper  part  of  this  house  to  let, 
containing  three  rooms,  a  cellar,  kitchen,  and  backyard." 

Slips  —  With  all  watchfulness,  it  is  astonishing 
what  slips  are  made,  even  by  good  writers,  in  the 
employment  of  an  inappropriate  word.  In  Gibbon's 
"Rise  and  Fall"  the  following  instance  occurs:  "Of 
nineteen  tyrants  who  started  up  after  the  reign  of 
Gallienus,  there  was  not  one  who  enjoyed  a  life  of  peace 
or  a  natural  deaths  Alison,  in  his  "History  of 
Europe,"  writes:  "Two  great  sins,  one  of  omission 
and  one  of  commission,  have  been  committed  by  the 
States  of  Europe  in  modern  times." — Leisure  Hour. 

Emphasis  — The  phrase  "If  you  were'  brave  "  differs 
from  "If  you  were  brave'."  So  also  "Not  the  least 
difference  "  may  mean  no  difference  at  all,  or,  by  varying 
the  stress,  a  very  considerable,  perhaps  the  greatest 
difference.     Some   words,    ambiguous   to   the   eye,    are 


114  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

resolved  by  accent ;  as  to  con'jure,  to  practice  magic,  and 
to  conjure',  to  entreat  earnestly.  Merely  the  tone  may 
make  all  the  difference  between  truth  and  falsehood. — 
DAVIS,  Elements  of  Deductive  Logic. 

Every  passenger  must  show  a  ticket  that  enters  the 
cars.      (Italics  should  follow  "passenger.") 

How  Many  Suits — Dumsquizzle  :    "Young  Timber- 
wheel  has  a  suit  of  clothes  for  every  day  in  the  w^eek." 
Skimgullet :   "I  never  see  him  wear  but  one." 
Dumsquizzle:   "Yes;  that's  the  suit." 

Contempt  of  Court  —  The  late  Judge  Clairborne,  of 
Northern  Louisiana,  is  said  to  have  swayed  his  sceptre 
with  a  potency  rivalling  that  of  a  Russian  czar.  On  one 
occasion  a  prisoner  was  fined  $50  and  committed  to  jail 
for  contempt  of  court  in  refusing  to  bow  to  him  while 
passing  along  a  public  highway.  An  application  having 
been  made  to  remit  the  fine  and  release  the  prisoner,  on 
the  ground  that  there  was  no  contempt  of  court,  as  the 
judge,  when  on  a  public  highway,  was  not  a  court,  and 
therefore  not  an  object  of  contempt,  the  legal  potentate 
straightened  himself  up  in  his  seat,  and,  with  the  air  of 
a  lord  chancellor,  replied,  "Sir,  I'll  have  you  know 
that  I  am  judge  of  this  parish  ;  judge  all  the  time  ;  judge 
from  the  rising  of  the  sun  to  the  going  down  thereof ; 
and  as  such  always  an  object  of  contempt. " 

Mixed  Classification — When  Mr.  Alcott  was  lec- 
turing at  Cambridge,  he  classified  men  as  the  Knower, 
the  Doer,  and  the  Thinker;  whereupon  an  old  lady 
asked  whether  ' '  the  Knower "  he  referred  to  was  the  one 
that  built  the  Ark. 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  116 

Out  of  Balance — As  distinctly  as  W.  Renshaw  is 
at  the  head  of  the  men,  so  is  Miss  Maud  Watson  the 
premier  lady   player. — Newspaper. 

Strictly  Correct  —  Customer:  *'You  have  a  sign 
in  your  window,  'A  suit  of  clothes  made  while  you  wait.' 
Do  you  really  do  that  ?  " 

Tailor:  "Yes,  sir.  You  leave  your  order,  with  a 
deposit,  and  then  go  home  and  wait  till  the  garments 
are  finished." — Judge. 

Mixed  Metaphor  —  During  a  debate  on  the  foreign 
policy  of  Lord  Beaconsfield's  government,  Mr.  Alderman 
Cotton  solemnly  declared  that  "at  one  stage  of  the  ne- 
gotiations a  great  European  struggle  was  so  imminent 
that  it  only  required  a  spark  to  let  slip  the  dogs  of  war." 

An  Irish  Count  —  New  Butler  :  "  Av  ye  plaze,  sor, 
I'll  have  me  month's  wages,  accordin'  till  the  agray- 
ment."  The  Employer  :  "  What's  that  ?  You  haven't 
been  with  me  for  thirty  days."  Butler  :  "  Oi  came  on 
the  twintieth  of  lasht  month."  Employer:  "  I  know 
you  did,  but — "  Butler  :  "An'  isn't  this  the  tinth  av 
Febroory  ?     An'  don't  twinty  and  tin  make  thirty?  ' 

Hints  —  As  a  rule,  the  student  will  do  well  to  banish 
for  the  present  all  thought  T)f  ornament  or  elegance,  and 
to  aim  only  at  expressing  himself  plainly  and  clearly. 
The  best  ornament  is  always  that  which  comes  unsought. 
Let  him  not  beat  about  the  bush,  but  go  straight  to  the 
point.  Let  him  remember  that  what  is  written  is  meant 
to  be  read  ;  that  time  is  short  ;  and  that,  other  things 
being  equal,  the  fewer  words  the  better.  .  .  .  Repe- 
tition is  a  far  less  serious  fault  than  obscurity.     Young 


116  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

writers  are  often  unduly  afraid  of  repeating  the  same 
word,  and  require  to  be  reminded  that  it  is  always  better 
to  use  the  right  word  over  again  than  to  replace  it  by  a 
wrong  one  ;  and  a  word  which  is  liable  to  be  misunder- 
stood is  a  wrong  one.  A  frank  repetition  of  a  word  has 
even  sometimes  a  kind  of  charm,  as  being  the  stamp  of 
truth,  the  foundation  of  all  excellence  of  style hall. 

Punctuation  —  An  English  statesman,  having  ac- 
cused an  official  of  dishonesty,  was  required  to  make  a 
public  retraction  of  the  charge.  He  read  his  apology 
thus':  "I  said  he  was  dishonest,  it  is  true;  and  I  am 
sorry  for  it."  To  the  surprise  of  those  who  had  accepted 
it  as  satisfactory,  it  appeared  thus  in  the  daily  papers  : 
*'  I  said  he  was  dishpnest  ;  it  is  true,  and  I  am  sorry  for 
it." 

A  young  gentleman  on  the  point  of  being  married 
is  desirous  of  meeting  a  man  of  experience  who  will 
dissuade  him  from  such  a  step.  Address,  etc. — London 
Times. 

Empty  Importance — "How  we  apples  swim!"  an 
English  saying,  applied  to  the  self-praise  of  a  pompous 
and  inflated  person.  "And  even  this,  little  as  it  is,  gives 
him  so  much  importance  in  his  own  eyes  that  he  assumes 
a  consequential  air,  sets  his  arms  akimbo,  and,  strutting 
among  the  historical  artists,  cries,  '  How  we  apples 
swim.'  " — HOGARTH,  Works. 

Malapropisms  —  Mr.  Andrew  Lang,  in  Longman'' s 
Magazine^  is  collecting  malapropisms.  One  of  these  is 
as  follows  :  "  Visitor  :  '  I  am  very  sorry  for  the  death 
of  your  poor  old  aunt.     A  very  aged  woman  she  must 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  117 

have  been.'  The  Bereaved  Niece  :  *  Yes,  ma'am  ;  in 
two  or  three  years  she  would  have  been  a  centurion.^'''' 
Another  is:  "Rural  Parishioner,  about  to  marry  for 
the  second  time,  to  congratulatory  friend  :  '  Weel,  I'm 
marrying  mostly  for  the  sake  o'  the  bairns.  If  it  was 
just  masel',  I  could  e'en  gang  on  being  a  celebrity.'*  " 

Personal  Column  —  Philip.  Would  Philip  like 
to  hear  of  his  mother's  death? — New  York  Herald. 

Thackeray  gives  Swift  a  much  better  character  than 
Johnson.      ("Does"  should  follow  ',' Johnson.") 

Zeugma  —  A  form  of  speech  in  which,  by  the  omis- 
sion of  a  word,  another  is  connected  with  a  word  with 
which  it  cannot  properly  be  joined;  as,  "  They  toear  a 
garment  like  that  of  the  Scythians,  but  a  language  pecul- 
iar to  themselves." 

An  Irish  Board  Bill —  During  a  contested  election 
in  Meath,  early  in  this  century,  Sir  Mark  Somerville 
seiii  oxders  to  the  proprietor  of  the  hotel  in  Trim  to 
board  and  lodge  all  persons  who  should  vote  for  him. 
A  copy  of  the  bill  rendered  by  the  proprietor  was  as 
follows  : 

MY  BILL  YOUR  HONOUR. 

To  eating  16  freeholders  above  stairs  .  .  .  £2  12  0 
For   eating    16    more   below  stairs  and   two 

Priests  after  supper 2  15  9 

Familiar  Sayings — A  lady  writes  from  Germany 
that  she  is  discouraged  about  learning  the  German  lan- 
guage. A  German  friend,  who  tried  to  converse  with 
her   in  English,  made   such    a   mistake   that  she  fears 


118  BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

that  she  may  do  ^as  badly  in  German.  The  German 
gentleman  innocently  gave  this  rendering  of  a  familiar 
saying,  "The  ghost  is  willing,  but  the  meat  is  feeble." 
—  Argonaut. 

This  orthography  is  regarded  as  normal  in  England. 
(Italics  should  follow  *' regarded.") 

Thieving  Oppressors —  Patrick  :  "  Phat's  the  news 
from  Oireland,  Mike?  " 

Michael :  **  Worrus  and  worrus  !  the  dirty  blaguards 
are  giving  us  ivery  thing  we  axes  for !  " 

Both  :  "  Bad  cess  to  the  loikes  av  'em,  the  thaving 
oppressors  !  " 

It  is  a  frequent  and  capital  error  in  the  writings  even 
of  some  distinguished  authors. —  Murra]fs  Grammar. 
(Italics  should  follow  "of.") 

Making  Calls  —  Mrs.  Cassidy  :  "Why  don't  you 
come  down  and  see  me,  Mrs.  M'Ginnis? "  Mrs. 
M'Ginnis :  "And  it's  you  that's  talkin',  Mrs.  Cassidy; 
and  not  a  sight  did  I  see  of  ye  since  last  Aister  !  Sure, 
if  I  lived  as  near  to  you  as  you  do  to  me  I'd  be  droppin' 
in  every  week  ! " 

A  Grief-Stricken  Widow  —  The  funeral  services 
of  the  late  William  P.  Lewis  were  somewhat  hurried,  to 
enable  his  estimable  and  grief-stricken  widow  to  catch 
the  two  o'clock  train  for  Chicago,  where  she  goes  to 
visit  friends. —  Illinois  Paper. 

Behaving  Like  Gentlemen  —  Doyle  and  Yelverton, 
eminent  members  of  the  Irish  bar,  became  involved  in  a 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  119 

fight.  Doyle  knocked  down  his  antagonist  twice, 
vehemently  exclaiming,  "You  scoundrel,  I'll  make 
you  behave  yourself  like  a  gentleman."  To  which 
Yelverton  rising,  replied  with  equal  indignation,  '<  No, 
sir,  never.     I  defy  you.      You  couldvbt  do  it. 


.V   » 


An  Arrival  —  Some  years  ago  two  Irishmen  were 
carrying  the  hod,  at  a  new  brick  building  going  up, on 
the  street  fronting  on  the  North  River,  New  York.  At 
noon,  one  of  the  Cunard  steamers,  going  out  to  sea, 
fired  off  the  usual  guns.  ''  Do  you  hear  that,  Larry  ?  " 
"  The  goons  do  you  mane  ?  What  is  it  ?  "  <*  Why,  ov 
coorse,  it's  an  arrival  goivb  out  P"* 

I  know  that  he  will  be  appointed  to  a  certainty. 
(Italics  should  follow  "  know.") 

Mum  —  It  was  an  Irishman  who  said,  "If  you're 
talking  to  the  public  you  want  to  keep  mum." 

Old  Mrs.  Jones — "Bridget,  I  wish  you  would  go 
and  see  how  old  Mrs.  Jones  is  this  morning." 

Bridget  returned  in  a  few  minutes  with  the  informa- 
tion  that  Mrs.  Jones  was  seventy-two  years,  ten  months, 
and  eight  days  old. 

Lost  —  Lost  by  a  poor  boy  tied  up  in  a  brown  paper 
with  a  white  string  a  German  flute  with  an  overcoat  and 
several  other  articles  of  wearing  apparel. 

A  Pale  Martyr  —The  unfortunate  poet  who  wrote, 
"  Sec  the  pale  martyr  in  his  sheet  of  fire  !  "  must  have 
been  completely  crushed  when  he  read  the  line  in  print, 
"  See  the  pale  martyr  with  his  shirt  on  fire  !" 


120  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

Hotel  Advertisement  —  This  hotel  will  be  kept 
by  the  widow  of  the  former  landlord,  Mr.  Jones,  who 
died  last  summer  on  a  new  and  improved  plan. 

Irish  Time — Mrs.  Youngthing  :  *' How  long  have 
these  eggs  been  boiling,  Bridget  ?  "  Bridget  :  "Eigh- 
teen minutes,  mum."  Mrs.  Youngthing:  <'Why,  I 
told  you  to  boil  them  only  three  minutes."  Bridget  : 
"  Oi  know  that,  mum,  but  the  kitchen  clock  is  fifteen 
minutes  slow,  mum." — Burlington  Free  Press. 

Impossible — Guest:  "I  say,  landlord,  your  food 
is  worse  than  it  was  last  year."  Landlord  :  "Impossi- 
ble, sir  !  " —  Fliegende  Blaetter, 

Trial  by  Jury  —  Rather  a  funny  bull  was  that  made 
by  a  member  of  Parliament  in  discussing  the  question 
of  trial  by  jury  in  Ireland.  Becoming  excited,  he  ex- 
claimed, "  With  trial  by  jury  have  I  lived,  and,  by  the 
blessing  of  God,  with  trial  by  jury  I  will  die  ! " — Bondon 
Tnuth. 

A  Temperance  Lecture  —  The  following  bill,  posted 
conspicuously  in  a  country  town,  excited  much  interest  : 
"N.  B. — A  lecture  on  total  abstinence  will  be  delivered 
to-morrow  niglit  in  the  02^e?i  air.  A  collection  to  defray 
expenses  will  be  taken  at  the  door.    Come  one,  come  all!  " 

A  Clearer  Statement — "Now,  Patrick,  in  regard 
to  wages,  I'll  give  you  $30  a  month  with  board,  or  $50 
without  board." 

"I  don't  understand  that,  sor  ;  but  I'll  take  $50  a 
month  and  ate  meself,  or  I'll  take  $30  and  lave  me  ate 
you." — JVew  York  jSim. 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  121 

Erratum  —  For  **  burglar  meeting"  in  an  article  in 
our  last  issue  relating  to  the  proceedings  of  the  town 
council,  read  <  *  regular  meeting. " — Indiana  Paper. 

Crowded  Street  Car  —  Irish  conductor,  to  passen- 
ger trying  to  get  on  the  rear  platform:  "There  is  a  car 
ahead  coming  behind,  and  yees  had  better  wait  for  it." 

Pants  —  An  Eighth  avenue  sign  reads,  "John  Smith 
Pants  to  Order."  It  is  not  stated  who  makes  Mr.  Smith 
pant  to  order. — N'.   Y.  Mail  and  Express. 

Dear  Me  !  —  Aunt  Chloe:  "Yes,  Rastus,  it  were  a 
sad  case;  one  o'  de  saddest  dat  I  come  across.  De  boy 
was  jes'  runnin'  across  de  railroad  track,  bringin'  home 
a  watahmillion  from  mahket.  When  he  crossed  de 
track  he  sot  down,  absent-minded  like,  to  plug  de  million 
ter  see  if  it  were  ripe,  an'  a  train  come  along  and  cut  off 
both  his  legs." 

Uncle  Rastus:  "  Deah  me,  suz;  aint  dat  tarrible? 
Did  you  heah  if  de  million  was  ripe?" — America. 

Her  Open  Confession  —  Tom:  "You  look  happy 
lo-day.  What's  happened  to  cheer  you  up  so?"  Charlie: 
"I've  been  courting  a  girl  for  a  long  time,  but  she  never 
would  admit  that  she  loved  me.  She  would  only  say 
that  she  respected  me;  but  last  night  she  confessed  that 
she  respected  me  no  longer — that  she  loved  me." 

An  Extraordinary  Pit  —  A  gentleman  in  Ireland, 
having  built  a  large  house,  was  at  a  loss  what  to  do  with 
the  rubbish.  His  steward  advised  him  to  have  a  pit 
dug  large  enough  to  contain  it.  "And  what,"  said  the 
gentleman,  "  shall  I  do  with  the  earth  which  is  dug  out 


122  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

of  the  pit?  "     To  which  the  steward  replied,  '<  Have  the 
pit  made  large  enough  to  hold  it  all." 

Thirty-Six — '<  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,"  said  coun- 
sel in  an  agricultural  case,  ''  there  were  thirty-six  hogs 
in  that  lot,  thirty-six.  I  want  you  to  remember  that 
number,  thirty  six  hogs  ;  just  three  times  the  number 
that  there  are  in  the  jury  box." 

Electricity  —  Mamma  Jule  :  '  <  Looky  heah,  Linkum, 
doan't  ye'  nebbah  ag'in  lem  me  see  yo'  shinnin'  up  one 
ob  dem  telegram  poles  ;  mind  dat !  "  Linkum,  aged  ten: 
"Why,  mammy,  whar's  de  ha'm  ? "  "  Ha'm,  boy? 
Yo'  climb  up  dar  en  tech  one  ob  dem  wiahs  when  hits 
full  ob  'lectrisitism  en  yo'U  come  walkin'  home  daid; 
dars  whar  de  ha'm  is,  my  son  !  " 

Sunset  —  On  the  arrival  of  an  emigrant  shi]),  some 
years  ago,  when  the  North  Carolina  lay  off  the  Battery, 
an  Irishman,  hearing  the  gun  tired  at  sunset,  inquired  of 
one  of  the  sailors  what  it  was.  <' What's  that  ?  Why, 
tliat's  sunset,"  was  the  contemptuous  reply. 

'*  Sunset!"  Paddy  exclaimed  with  distended  eyes; 
''sunset !  Howly  Moses  !  and  does  the  sun  go  down  in 
this  country  with  sich  a  clap  as  that  ?  " 

Things  One  Would  Rather  Have  Expressed 
Differently — Photographer:  "Please  look  a  little 
pleasant,  miss;  I  know  it's  hard,  but  it's  only  for  a 
moment  !" — Punch. 

Not  Afraid  —  Counsel  to  witness  :  "Why  are  you 
so  precise  in  your  statement  ?  Are  you  afraid  of  telling 
an  untruth  ?"     "No,"  prom^jtly  answered  the  witness. 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  123 

Roche's  Emeralds  —  Sir  Boyle  Roche,  whose  bulls 
made  him  famous,  on  one  occasion  assured  a  wonder- 
stricken  body  of  voters  that,  if  elected,  he  would  put  a 
stop  to  smuggling  practices  in  the  Shannon  by  <' having 
two  frigates  stationed  on  the  opposite  points  at  the 
moutli  of  the  river,  and  there  they  should  remain  fixed, 
with  strict  orders  not  to  stir,  and  so,  by  cruising  and 
cruising  about,  they  would  be  able  to  intercept  every- 
thing that  should  attempt  to  pass  between  them." 

Another  time,  when  on  the  hustings,  he  observed, 
'*  England,  it  must  be  allowed,  is  the  mother  country, 
and,  therefore,  I  would  advise  them  (England  and  Ire- 
land) to  live  in  filial  affection  together  like  sisters,  as 
they  are  and  ought  to  be."  This  was  only  equaled  by 
his,  when  ojjposing  an  anti-Ministerial  motion,  wishing 
the  said  motion  ' '  was  at  the  bottom  of  the  bottomless 
pit. " —  London  Standard. 

An  Irish  Letter  —  An  Irishman  wrote  thus  to  the 
wife  of  a  sick  brother:  <*If  Jamie  isn't  dead  yet,  re- 
moind  him  of  the  twinty  shillin's  he  owes  me  on  the 
pigs;  and,  if  he  is,  tell  him  not  to  give  himself  any 
consarn  about  it." 

A  Political  Crisis — A  Hindu  journalist,  treating 
of  some  political  disturbance,  thus  commented  on  it . 
*' We  cannot  from  a  distance  realize  the  intensity  of  the 
crisis,  but  it  is  a  certain  thing  that  many  crowned  heads 
must  be  trembling  in  their  shoes." 

The  beaux  of  that  day  used  the  abominable  art  of 
painting  their  faces,  as  well  as  the  women. —  disraeli, 
Curiosities  of  Literature.  (Italics  should  follow 
"beaux.") 


124  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

Making  a  Diagnosis — *'Your  husband,  Mrs.  Mur- 
phy, is  suffering  from  a  complication  of  diseases.  I 
must  first  make  a  diagnosis — "  <'Kin  yer  make  it  out 
of  ould  muslin,  doctor  ?  I  haven't  a  bit  of  flannel  in 
the  house." 

Beat — *'I  love  you  dearly,"  said  one  lover  to  an- 
other, *'but  cannot  leave  my  home,  for  no  husband 
could  equal  my  mother's  kindness." 

''  She  may  be  kind,"  replied  the  other  tenderly,  "  but 
be  my  wife,  and  see  if  I  don't  beat  your  mother !  " 

Gravestone  Inscription — "And  I  want  to  say, 
'to  my  husband,'  in  an  appropriate  place,"  said  the 
widow  in  conclusion,  to  Slab,  the  gravestone  man. 
"Yessum,"  said  Slab.  And  the  inscription  went  on  : 
"To  my  husband,  in  an  appropriate  place." — Chicago 
Paper, 

Few  people  learn  anything  that  is  worth  learning 
easily. —  Quixstar.      (Italics  should  follow  "learn.") 

Worn  Out  —  Mistress:  "Why,  Bridget,  what  in 
the  world  are  you  doing  with  my  new  dress  on  ?  " 
Bridget:  "Sure,  mum,  it's  yerself  what  gave  it  to 
me."  Mistress:  "I  gave  it  to  you?"  Bridget: 
"  Yis  ;  yez  said  Oi  cud  have  it  as  soon  as  yez  had  Avorn 
it  out,  an',  begorra !  yez  wore  it  out  yestherday  afther- 


Very  Bullish  —  A  confusion  of  terms  exists  in  this 
paragraph  quoted  by  the  Paris  Figaro  from  a  recent 
essay  on  French  home  life  in  the  last  century  : 

"We  have  spoken   of   that  sanguinary   year,   1793. 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  125 

In  those  troubled  times  it  was  that  French  domestics  set 
an  example  of  the  greatest  devotion.  There  were  many- 
even  who,  rather  than  betray  their  masters,  allowed 
themselves  to  be  guillotined  in  their  place,  and  who, 
when  happier  days  returned,  silently  and  respectfully 
went  back  to  their  work." 

Bank  Notes  —  In  the  Irish  rebellion  the  rebels,  who 
had  conceived  a  high  degree  of  indignation  against  a 
prominent  banker,  passed  a  resolution  that  they  would 
burn  his  notes,  which  they  accordingly  did,  with  great 
assiduity,  forgetting  that  in  burning  his  notes  they  were 
destroying  his  debts,  and  that  for  every  note  that  went 
into  the  flames  a  corresponding  value  went  into  the 
banker's  pocket. —  Tin  Trumpet. 

The  Professor  is  Encottraging — *'Yah,  dot  girl 
of  yours  makes  kreat  brogress  bei  her  moosic.  Always 
before  she  vas  two  oder  dree  notes  behint  me,  un'  now 
is  she  always  two  oder  dree  notes  ahet." 

Sometimes  the  most  experienced  microscopists  find 
it  impossible  to  determine  whether  a  tumorous  growth 
is  malignant  or  benign  with  certainty.  (Italics  should 
follow  *'  determine.") 

Erected  by  Patrick  Kelly, 

Of  the  town  of  Drogheda,  Mariner, 

In  Memory  of  his  Posterity. 

Also  the  above  Patrick  Kelly, 

Who  departed  this  life  the  12th  August,  1844, 

Age  60  years. 

Requiescat  in  pace. 

—  At  Monhieicton^  near  Drogheda^  Ireland, 


126  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

Alligators  —  Black:  "Say,  White,  can  you  teli 
me  what  alligators  eat  ?"  White:  "All  live  ones  do, 
I  believe." — Life. 

BoEHME,  THE  PHILOSOPHER — It  is  Said  that  when 
Jacob  Boehme,  the  famous  philosopher,  was  on  his 
death-bed  some  of  his  pupils  came  to  him  to  have  an  ob- 
scure passage  in  his  writings  explained  before  he  died. 
After  puzzling  over  it  for  awhile  he  said,  "My  dear 
children,  w^hen  I  wrote  this  I  understood  its  meaning, 
and  no  doubt  the  omniscient  God  did.  He  may  still  re- 
member it,  but  I  have  forgotten  it." — The  Epoch. 

Hotel  Advertisement  —  Rooms  one  dollar  and  up. 
( If  you  take  a  one-dollar  room,  you  go  up  to  the  floor 
next  the  roof.) 

A  Question  — 

I  saw  a  man  once  beat  his  wife 
When  on  a  drunken  spree ; 
'  Now  can  you  tell  me  who  was  drunk  — 
The  man,  his  wife,  or  me  ? — Judge. 

Carrying  the  Hod  —  Inquisitive  Party  :  "  And  do 
you  go  up  that  ladder  all  day  long  ?  " 

Pat :  "  No,  sur  ;  half  of  the  toime  Oi  come  down." 
—  Judge. 

Carriages  —  Among  carriages  to  be  disposed  of, 
mention  is  made  of  a  mail  phaeton,  the  property  of  a 
gentleman  with  a  movable  head  as  good  as  new\ 

Wanted  —  A  woman  to  wash  iron  and  milk  one  or 
two  cows. 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  127 

Prescription  LabiIl  —  George  Colraan  adopts  the 
name  Bolus  for  his  apothecary,  who  wrote  his  labels  in 
rhyme,  one  of  which  was, 

<*When  taken 
To  be  well  shaken  ;  " 
but  the  patient,  being  well  shaken  instead  of  the  mixture, 
died.  —  BREWER,  Dictionary. 

A  Clever  Son  —  A  poor  woman  declared  to  a  friend 
that,  "Since  the  world  was  a  world  there  never  was 
such  a  clever  boy  as  my  Bill;  he  has  just  made  two 
chairs  and  a  fiddle  out  of  his  own  head,  and  has  plenty 
of  wood  left  for  another." 

Advertisement  —  Any  person  having  five  to  fifty 
tons  of  coal  to  dispose  of  will  please  send  word  or  drop 
it  through  the  post-ofiice. — JVev)  Haven  Paper. 

Accidental — "I  hear,  McGinty,  that  yez  broke  yer 
leg."  "Then  yez  heard  wrong,  Lafferty.  Yez  must 
think  I'm  a  fool.  It  was  broke  by  accident.  What 
would  I  want  to  break  me  own  leg  fur  ?  " — Society. 

m 

A  Colored  Interpretation — "It  is  easier  for  a 
camel  to  go  through  the  knee  of  an  idol  than  for  a  rich 
man  to  enter  heaven"  is  the  interpretation  which  a  col- 
ored preacher  gave  to  the  Scriptures. 

A  Bull  in  a  Well — Pat,  who  is  being  lowered 
into  a  well:  "Sthop,  will  ye,  Murphy?  Oi  want  to 
coom  up  agin." 

Murphy,  still  letting  him  down  :    "Phat  for  ?  " 
Pat:   "Oi'U  show  ye.     Af  ye  don't  sthop  lettin'  me 
doon  Oi'll  cut  the  rope  !  " — Texas  Sif  tings. 


128  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

Unseen  powers,  like  the  deities  of  Homer  in  the  war 
of  Troy,  were  seen  to  mingle  at  every  step  with  the  tide 
of  sublunary  affairs.  —  alison,  Review  of  Guizot. 

Tenths  —  An  Irishman,  exhibiting  the  rapacity  of 
the  clergy,  said,  "Be  the  farmer  never  so  poor,  they'll 
make  him  pay  their  tenths  whether  he  can  or  no." 

Index — Bulls  are  not  confined  to  Ireland.  It  was  a 
Spaniard  who  remarked,  "An  author  should  write  his 
own  index,  let  who  will  write  the  book." 

In  a  Class  in  Natural  History —  The  professor  is 
nettled  at  the  inattention  of  his  jjupils.  "  Gentlemen, 
I  demand  your  attention.  I  am  giving  you  an  interest- 
ing lecture  on  the  personal  peculiarities  of  the  monkey. 
The  least  you  can  do  is  to  look  at  me." — New  York 
Ledger, 

English  Gems  —  Among  the  bulls  of  English  par- 
entage, recently  perpetrated,  are  these:  "After  the  door 
closed,"  writes  a  novelist  who  is  widely  read  just  now, 
"  a  dainty  foot  slipped  into  the  room,  and  with  her  own 
hand  extinguished  the  lamp."  "The  Charity  Associa- 
tion," wrote  a  reporter,  "has  distributed  twenty  pairs 
of  shoes  among  the  poor,  which  will  dry  up  many  a  tear." 
"I  was  sitting,"  writes  another  novelist,  "  at  the  table 
enjoying  a  cup  of  coffee,  when  a  gentle  voice  tapped  me 
on  the  shoulder.  I  looked  around  and  saw  my  old  friend 
again." — Boston  Globe. 

Nor,  ind^d,  can  those  habits  be  formed  with  certainty 
which  are  to  continue  during  life  in  a  shorter  space. — 
KNOX,  Plays.     (Italics  should  follow  * '  habits. ") 


i 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  129 

A  Great  Country  —  Two  Irishmen,  recently  arrived 
in  America,  were  traveling  along  a  country  road  one 
cold  morning,  when,  as  they  were  passing  a  house,  their 
conversation  was  interrupted  by  the  sudden  appearance 
of  several  dogs.  One  seized  hold  of  a  stone,  but  finding 
it  frozen  fast  to  the  ground,  he  exclaimed,  "My,  what 
a  counthry!  The  sthones  are  tied  fast  and  the  dogs  are 
tied  loose  ! " 

Tax  Collectors — The  Legislature  of  a  Western 
State,  having  a  bill  under  consideration  for  the  regula- 
tion of  tax-collectors,  an  honorable  member  got  upon 
his  feet  and  said,  "Mr.  Speaker,  I  go  in  heavy  for 
that  bill.  The  tax-collectors  are  all  a  set  of  knaves.  I 
was  one  myself  for  ten  years."     The  bill  passed. 

Odd  Comparison  —  Like  the  Irishman's  frog,  he  al- 
ways sat  down  when  he  stood  up,  and  always  stood  up 
when  he  sat  down. 

Her  success  is  neither  the  result  of  system  nor  strat- 
egy.—  Iraits  of  Character.    (Italics  should  follow  "of.") 

Vaccination  —  Conversation  between  two  colored 
citizens  of  Dallas,  Texas  ;  subject,  small-pox  and  vacci- 
nation :  "I  has  about  made  up  my  mind  to  hab  myself 
vaccinated  ag'in.  Has  you  had  yourself  vaccinated  a 
second  time  before  ?"  "  Yes,  sah  ;  I'se  been  vaccinated 
the  second  time  free  or  four  times  before,  and  hit  tuck 
ebery  time,  'ceptin'  de  fust  time." —  Texas  Sif tings. 

Our  first  concern  is  to  know  precisely  wliat  the  point 
at  issue  is,  as  definitely  as  ice  can.—  Lyceum  Debate. 
(Italics  should  follow  "know.") 


130  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

Misfortunes  —  Single  misfortunes  never  come  alone, 
and  the  greatest  of  all  possible  misfortunes  is  generally 
followed  by  a  much  greater. —  Sir  Boyle  Roche. 

Non-Resident  Landlords  —  A  gentleman  recently 
met  at  dinner  a  most  entertaining  Irish  lady  who  was 
great  on  the  wrongs  of  her  people.  "For  instance," 
said  she,  "the  curse  of  my  country  is  the  non-resident 
landlords  ;  and  that's  why  so  many  of  them  get  shot  by 
the  peasantry." 

A  Western  "Ad" — Wanted,  an  energetic  young 
man  for  a  retail  store  partly  out  of  doors,  partly  behind 
the  counter. 

Program  —  A  comical  sentence  appeared  in  the  pro- 
gram of  a  concert  given  by  M.  Gounod,  in  London. 
The  eighth  song  w^as  printed,  "  She  w^andered  Down  the 
Mountain  Side,  accompanied  by  the  composer." 

Nearly  Killed  —  Pat :  "  'Twas  the  divil  of  a  blow 
the  dago  gave  yer.     Yer  wuz  near  kilt." 

Mike:  "  Begorra,  I  wish  I  had  died  that  I  moite 
see  the  villain  hung." 

Trade  Very  Dull  —  It  was  a  Scotch  gravedigger 
who  said,  "Trade's  vera  dull  noo.  I  have  na  buried  a 
leeven  creetur  in  a  fortnight." 

.A  tear  is  due,  at  leasts  to  the  fallen  brave. 
(Italics    should    follow    "tear.") 

A  Goose — Thomas  Sprat,  afterwards  Bishop  of 
Rochester,   was   appointed   chaplain    by    the   profligate 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  131 

Duke  of  Buckingham.  At  the  chaplain's  first  dinner 
the  duke  observed  a  goose  opposite  the  new  functionary, 
and  said  he  had  often  wondered  how  it  happened  that 
geese  were  generally  placed  near  the  clergy.  <'I  cannot 
tell  the  reason,"  said  Sprat,  "but  I  shall  never  see  a 
goose  again  without  thinking  of  your  grace." 

To  THE  End  of  the  String  —  Jeweler:  "This  clock 
will  go  twelve  months  without  winding." 

Oldboy:  "Well,  how  long  would  it  go  if  it  were 
wound?  " — NeiG  York  Herald. 

Editorial  Announcement — An  Irish  editor,  being 
unable  to  obtain  a  sufficiency  of  news  for  his  daily  paper, 
made  the  following  extraordinary  announcement:  "Ow- 
ing to  an  unusual  pressure  of  matter,  we  are  obliged  to- 
day to  leave  several  columns  blank." 

An  Exception  — a  young  lady,  advertising  for  a 
situation,  announces,  "that  she  can  do  all  kinds  of  sew- 
ing and  embroidery  except  music." 


Unconventional  Signs — "  Designs  for  funerals  of 
fresh-cut  flowers"  is  one  of  the«unconventional  si^ns  in 


Philadelphia. 


Of  Glass  to  See  Through — Mike:  "Why  do  thim 
false  ayes  be  made  of  glass  now?"  Pat:  "  Shure,  an' 
how  else  could  they  say  throo  'em,  ye  thick  head." — 
Yale  Record. 

Use  of  Specific  Words  —  If  a  writer  wishes  to 
communicate  his  meaning  exactly,  and  still  more  if  he 
wishes  to  interest  his  readers,  he  will  beware  of  using 


132  BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

any  word  that  is  more  general  than  the  object  he  has  in 
mind.  If  he  is  writing  about  horses,  he  will  not  speak 
of  them  as  quadriqyeds ^  if  about  a  particular  horse,  he 
will  call  him  by  his  name,  or  will  in  some  other  way 
identify  him  as  the  horse  he  is  talking  about.  He  will 
not  call  a  piano  an  instrument;  a  spade  an  agricultural 
im^plement,  or  a  gun  a  deadly  tube.  If  he  tells  a  story, 
he    will    not    give    his   characters    general   names,    as 

Mr. ,  Miss ,  or  Mr.  A.,  Miss  B.;  but  he  will 

invent  individual  names,  and  thus  make  his  narrative  life- 
like.—  ADAMS  SHERMAN  HILL,  Fouudations  of  Rlietoric 

An  Irish  Sentry  —  When  the  French  landed  at 
Bantry  Bay,  an  Irish  peasant,  who  was  posted  with  a 
musket  uj^on  one  of  the  cliffs,  and  had  wandered  a  little 
out  of  his  position,  was  accosted  by  an  English  officer, 
"What  are  you  here  for?"  "Faith,  your  honour," 
said  Pat,  with  his  accustomed  grin  of  good-humor, 
"  they  tell  me  I  am  here  for  a  century ^ 

Prayers  —  The  prayer  of  the  Connecticut  clergy- 
man who  said,  "  O,  Lord,  we  thank  thee  that  thou  art 
orthodox,"  has  been  equaled  by  an  old  lady  in  Salina, 
Kan.,  who  prefaced  her  petition  with,  "  O,  Lord,  thou 
hast  probably  read  in  the  newspapers  how  thy  day  was 
desecrated  yesterday. " 

Taken  Down  a  Peg  or  Two  —  A  youthful  Harvard 
graduate  was  arguing  with  a  hard-headed,  self-taught 
man  of  business,  and  it  is  fair  to  suppose  was  getting 
the  worst  of  the  argument.  At  all  events  he  was  driven 
to  saying, 

"Now,  as   a   matter   of   fact,    Mr.  ,  you  don't 

know  half  as  much  as  I  do." 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  133 

''That's  so,"  said  the  business  man,  "but,  then,  as 
far  as  that  is  concerned,  neither  do  you." —  Youth's 
Companion. 

Beneficial  Society  —  Newly  -  arrived  Irishman  : 
*'  But  fwhat  good  do  I  git  out  av  it  if  I  join  the  Milay- 
sian  Mutual  Binifit  Association  ?  " 

Acclimated  Milesian:  "We  bury  a  mimber  ivery 
Soonday,  an'  it's  a  beautiful  drive  to  the  cimetary." 

Hibernian  Exultation —  An  Irish  gentleman,  being 
once  at  Epsom  races,  and  observing  in  the  list  of  horses 
that  started  for  the  plate  one  called  Botheram,  took  so 
great  a  fancy  to  the  name  that  he  bet  considerable  odds 
in  his  favor.  Towards  the  conclusion  of  the  race,  his 
favorite  was  unluckily  in  the  rear,  on  which  he  vocifera- 
ted, in  so  loud  a  key  as  to  drown  every  other  voice, 
"Ah,  be  jabers  !  there  he  goes  —  Botheram  for  ever! 
see  how  he  drives  them  all  before  him  !  Botheram  for 
ever  ! " 

If  we  are  to  believe  the  text,  our  hero  was  the  guide, 
philosopher,  and  friend  of  Dr.  Andrew  Thompson  ichen 
only  a  lad  of  thirteen. —  Literary  Spectator.  (Italics 
should  follow  "  hero.") 

Brothers — She:  "Mr.  Slow,  are  those  two  men 
that  have  just  passed,  brothers  ?" 

He:  "I  —  aw  —  know  that  one  of  them  is,  but 
I'm — *aw  —  not  quite  sure  of  the  other." 

Affection  —  An  affectionate  Irishman  once  enlisted 
in  the  75th  regiment,  in  order  to  be  near  his  brother, 
who  was  a  corporal  in  the  76th. 


134  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

Precise  but  Impolitic —  "I  want  a  hair-cut,"  said 
the  middle-aged  man,  as  he  dropped  into  the  barber's 
chair.  "Yes,  sir,"  was  the  answer,  "Which  one  ?  "  — 
Judge. 

Impossible  —  Chapley  :  "Do  you  know  if  Miss  Cole 
is  at  home  ?" 

Maid:  "She  wasn't  in  five  minutes  ago,  when 
another  young  man  called." 

Chaj^ley  :   "  But  might  not  she  have  come  in  ?  " 

Maid:  "How  could  that  be  ?  Oi'd  take  me  oath 
she  didn't  go  out  since." — Smith  (&  Gray's  Monthly. 

Punctuation  —  The  importance  of  punctuation  in 
determining  the  meaning  of  language  is  shown  by  the 
following  quotations  : 

(a)  When  the  resemblance  is  strong,  and  essential 
in  character  .  .  .  ( The  comma  after  strong  shows 
that  the  resemblance  is  simply  said  to  be  strong,  and  not 
strong  in  character.  And  as  to  the  grammatical  con- 
struction, the  comma  show^s  that  the  adverbial  in  char- 
acter modifies  essential  and  not  strong.) 

(b)  I  find,  too,  much  objection  to  the  proposed 
amendment  .  .  .  ( Remove  the  cdmma  from  before 
and  after  too,  and  not  only  is  the  meaning  materially 
changed,  but  too  becomes,  instead  of  a  conjunctional 
adverb,  a  pure  adverb). —  turner.  Punctuation. 

Society  —  A  Newport  correspondent  refers  to  the 
"well-known  firm  of  society  real  estate  agents." 

Obscurity  —  In  the  following,  "Resolved,  that  the 
world  has  been  more  injured  by  intemperance  than 
slavery,"  the  sentence   is   obscure,  because  we   are   not 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  lS5 

able  to  tell  whether  it  means  that  the  world  has  been 
more  injured  by  intemperance  than  by  slavery^  or 
whether  the  world  has  been  more  injured  by  intemper- 
ance than  slavery  has. —  raub,  Practical  Rhetoric. 

Preferred  Hanging  —  Irishman,  disgusted  with  life 
in  America:  "I'd  rather  be  hanged  in  the  old  country 
than  die  a  natural  death  in  America." 

Humorous  Indexing  —  If  authors  were  to  make  their 
own  indexes,  we  should  be  deprived  of  many  good  stories 
of  mistakes  and  misapprehensions,  which,  however  exas- 
perating to  the  anxious  inquirer,  have  afforded  pleasant 
food  for  mirth  for  many  generations.  The  story  about 
Mr.  Best's  great  mind  is  a  classic.  As  usually  quoted  it 
occurred  as  an  entry  in  the  index  to  Binn's  "Justice:" 

Best,  Mr.  Justice,  his  great  mind. 
And  when  the  reader  turned  to  the  designated  page,  full 
of  anticipatory  admiration,  he  found  only  "Mr.  Justice 
Best  said  that  he  had  a  great  mind  to  commit  the  man 
for  trial." 

Aaother  classic  is  the  oft-quoted  entry. 
Mill  on  Liberty. 
"    on  the  Floss. 

Some  index  makers  make  no  cross-references,  but 
enter  the  same  subject  under  all  its  possible  heads.  This 
often  leads  to  unnecessary  duplications  and  increases  the 
bulk  of  the  index  without  corresponding  gain.  An  in- 
stance may  be  cited  from  the  index  of  St.  George  Miv- 
art's  "Origin  of  Human  Reason,"  where  a  short  story 
of  a  cockatoo  appears  no  fewer  than  fifteen  times  : 

Absurd  tale  about  a  Cockatoo,   136. 

Anecdote,  absurd  one,  about  a  Cockatoo,  136. 

Bathos  and  a  Cockatoo,  136. 


136  BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

Cockatoo,  absurd  tale  concerning  one,  136. 
Discourse  held  with  a  Cockatoo,  136. 
Incredibly  absurd  tale  of  a  Cockatoo,  136. 
Invalid  Cockatoo,  absurd  tale  about,  136. 

Mr.  R .  and  tale  about  a  Cockatoo,  136. 

Preposterous  tale  about  a  Cockatoo,  136. 
Questions  answered  by  a  Cockatoo,  136. 

R ,  Mr.,  and  tale  about  a  Cockatoo,  136. 

Rational  Cockatoo,  as  asserted,  136. 
Tale  about  a  rational  Cockatoo,  as  asserted,  136. 
Very  absurd  tale  about  a  Cockatoo,  136. 
Wonderfully  foolish  tale  about  a  Cockatoo,  136. — 
WALSH,  Literary  Curiosities. 

A  man  beats  a  witness  who  had  stated  the  truth  in 
court  nearly  to  death. — Spectator.  (Italics  should  fol- 
low "beats.") 

Shoe-Store  Advertisement  —  Ladies  wishing  these 
cheap  shoes  will  do  well  to  call  soon,  as  they  will  not 
last  long. 

* 

Dangers  op  the  Revolution — When  painting  the 
dangers  of  an  invasion  of  the  French,  during  the  Revo- 
lution, Sir  Boyle  Roche  exclaimed,  "The  murderous 
marshal-law  men  (3farsellais)  would  break  in,  cut  us  to 
mince-meat,  and  throw  our  bleeding  heads  upon  that 
table  to  stare  us  in  the  face." — Hecollections  of  Sir  Jonah 
Barrington.  He  was  surpassed  by  the  orator  in  one  of 
the  sections  of  Paris,  during  the  Revolution,  who  said, 
"I  would  take  my  own  head  by  the  hair,  cut  it  off,  and 
presenting  it  to  the  despot,  would  say  to  him,  '  Tyrant, 
behold  the  act  of  a  free  man  I'  " — taixe,  French  Revo- 
lution.    This  reduces  the  miraculous  walk  of  St.  Denis, 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  137 

with  his  head  in    his  hands,  to  a  mere   constitutional. 
—  BENT,  Short  Sayings  of  Great  Men. 

Eighteen  Months  —  An  Irishman,  being  asked  if  he 
knew  a  particular  person,  answered,  **Know  him  !  to  be 
sure  I  do.  I  lived  eighteen  months  with  him."  "  When 
was  that  ?"     ' '  In  the  year  1784. " 


Knee-Pants  —  Outside  one  of  the  stores  which  are 
given  to  generous  outbursts  periodically,  a  red  placard 
is  at  the  present  time  informing  Pittsburghers  that  a 
$30,000  fire  sale  is  in  progress,  and  that  among  other  ar- 
ticles practically  given  away  are, 

''17  cent  knee  pants  — 
Cannot  last  long." — Pittsburgh  Dispatch. 

An  Undertaker's  Sign  —  The  wants  of  the  de- 
ceased attended  to  at  prices  which  defy  competition. 

Tipsy  —  Droll,  though  not  very  logical  or  conclusive, 
was  the  reply  of  the  tipsy  Irishman,  who,  as  he  sup- 
ported himself  by  the  iron  railings  of  Merrion  square, 
was  advised  by  a  passer  to  betake  himself  home. 

"Ah,  now,  be  aisy  ;  I  live  in  the  square;  isn't  it 
going  round  and  round,  and  when  I  see  my  own  door 
come  up,  won't  I  pop  into  it  in  a  jiffy?" 

Housekeeper  —  A  highly  respectable  middle-aged 
person  who  has  been  filling  the  above  situation  with  a 
gentleman  for  upwards  of  eleven  years  and  who  is  now 
deceased  is  anxious  to  meet  a  similar  one. 

Hibernianisms  —  A  number  of  Irish  bulls  hold  a 
sort  of  hilarious  wake  over  the  subject  of  death :  that  of 


138  BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

a  Hibernian  gentleman  who  told  a  friend  studying  for 
the  priesthood,  "  I  hope  I  may  live  to  hear  you  preach 
my  funeral  sermon  ; "  of  another  who  expressed  the 
grateful  sentiment,  '*May  you  live  to  eat  the  chicken 
that  scratches  over  your  grave  ; "  of  a  physician  who 
said  oracularly  of  a  murdered  man,  "This  person  was 
so  ill,  that  if  he  had  not  been  murdered  he  would  have 
died  a  half  an  hour  before,"  and  of  a  lady  who,  in  her 
will,  ordered  that  her  body  should  be  opened  at  her 
death,  for  fear  she  should  be  buried  alive. 

Clerical  Blunder — In  an  old  book  of  sermons  by 
a  divine  named  Milsom,  Ave  are  told  that  "it  is  one 
among  many  proofs  of  the  wisdom  and  benevolence  of 
Providence  that  the  world  was  not  created  in  the  midst 
of  winter,  when  Adam  and  Eve  could  have  nothing  to 
eat,  but  in  harvest-time,  when  there  was  fruit  on  every 
tree  and  shrub  to  tempt  the  willing  hand." 

A  Novel  Extract  —  An  extract  from  a  late  French 
novel  runs  thus  :  "  The  countess  fell  back  in  a  deadly 
swoon.     When  she  revived  her  spirit  had  fled." 

A  Distant  Relative — Meeting  a  negro  who  was 
very  sad,  a  friend  said, 

"  You  have  lost  some  of  your  friends,  I  see  ?  " 
"  Yes,  Massa,  I'se  a  heap  of  sorrow." 
"Was  it  a  near  or  a  distant  relative  ?  " 
"Well,  purty  distant  —  'bout  twenty- four  miles." 

Shipwreck  —  A  party  of  young  men  were  telling 
what  they  would  do  were  they  shipwrecked  far  out  upon 
the  sea,  and  left  buffeting  with  the  waves  without  a 
plank   to    assist  them.      Every    one    gave   his    opinion 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  139 

except  Paddy  Murphy,  who,  after  being  asked  for  his, 
replied,  "Bad  cess  to  you  for  a  cowardly  set  of  spal- 
peens ;  ye'd  all  be  afther  savin'  yerselves,  an'  not  thryin' 
to  save  another.  Why  it's  Paddy  Murphy  that  would 
swim  ashore  an'  save  himself,  an  thin  come  back  an' 
thry  to  save  another." 

Feeding  the  Cows  —  Farmer:  "You  kin  feed 
them  cows  some  corn   in  the  ear  to-night." 

New  Hand  :  "I  tried  that  yisterday,  sir,  but  they 
'peared  to  like  it  better  in  the  mouth." 

To  Piano  -  Forte  Makers  —  A  lady  keeping  a 
first-class  school  requiring  a  good  piano,  is  desirous  of 
receiving  a  daughter  of  the  above  in  exchange  for  the 
same. 

A  Warning  —  An  Irish  judge  said,  when  address- 
ing a  prisoner,  "  You  are  to  be  hanged,  and  I  hope  it 
will  prove  a  warning  to  you." 

Prairies — "  Pat,  have  you  any  prairies  in  Ireland 
like  we  have  in  Illinois?"  "To  be  shoor  we  have. 
Didn't  yez  iver  hear  of  Tipperary  f  " 

Absent-Minded  —  Employer:  "You  say  that  your 
habits  are  all  correct  ?  "  Applicant:  "Yes,  sir."  Em- 
ployer, after  a  moment's  pause:  "Do  you.drink?" 
Applicant,  absent-minded:  "Thanks.  Don't  care  if  I 
do. " —  Burlington  Free  Press. 

Typographical  Gems  —  A  quack  doctor  advertises 
an  "  infernal  remedy; "  a  grocer  gives  notice  of  the  arri- 
val of  an  invoice  of    "boxes  of  pigs"  from  Smyrna;   a 


140  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

New  York  landlord  announces  a  "louse  to  let  with  im- 
mediate possession  ; "  and  in  the  report  of  an  inquest 
held  on  the  body  of  a  glutton,  the  verdict,  <<  suffoca- 
tion," was  printed  with  more  truth  than  was  intended, 
<*stuffocation." 

The  Moor,  seizing  a  bolster  full  of  rage  and  jealousy, 
smothers  her.  —  Critique  on  Othello. 

A  Resta.uba.nt  Sign  —  Oyster  pies  open  all  night. 

Conclusive  —  Not  long  ago,  in  the  Court  of  Ap- 
peals, an  Irish  lawyer,  while  arguing  with  earnestness 
his  cause,  stated  a  point  which  the  court  ruled  out. 

"Well,"  said  the  attorney,  "  if  it  plaze  the  coort,  if 
I  am  wrong  in  this,  I  have  another  point  aqually  as 
conclusive." 

A  Correct  Time-Piece  —  An  Irishman  on  a  West- 
ern railroad,  bragging  of  having  a  correct  time-piece, 
was  heard  to  remark,  upon  pulling  out  his  watch,  "If 
the  sun  aint  over  that  hill  in  a  minute  and  a  half,  he 
will  be  late." 

Putting  One's  Foot  in  It — "I  never  open  my 
mouth  but  I  put  my  foot  in  it"  was  the  curious  com- 
plaint of  some  unlucky  wight,  who  might  have  received 
consolation  had  he  reflected  on  the  number  of  offenders 
that  daily  keep  him  company.  The  guardsman's  remark 
to  the  English  nobleman  who  was  in  the  habit  of  affal)ly 
conversing  with  soldiers,  "I  like  you,  my  lord  ;  there's 
nothing  of  the  gentleman  about  you,"  offers  an  examj^le 
of  the  kind.  "How  many  deaths?"  asked  a  hospital 
physician.      "Nine."     "Why,  I  ordered  medicine   for 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  141 

ten."     *<  Yes  ;  but  one  would  not  take  it,"  was  the  start- 
ling reply. 

A  child  may  often  be  expected  to  put  his  or  her  heed- 
less little  foot  in  it,  as  the  phrase  goes.  For  instance,  a 
youngster  one  day  begged  an  invitation  to  dinner  at  the 
house  of  a  little  friend  with  whom  he  had  been  playing. 
At  the  table  his  hostess  anxiously  inquired,  "Charley, 
can  you  cut  your  own  meat?"  "  Humph !"  said  the 
youngster,  who  was  sawing  away  ;  "  can't  I  ?  I've  cut 
up  quite  as  tough  meat  as  this  at  home."  People  who 
are  destitute  of  tact  might  take  warning  from  such  juve- 
nile malaprops,  but  such  does  not  often  appear  to  be  the 
case,  judging  by  the  numerous  examples  to  the  contrary. 

A  millionaire  railway  king  has  a  brother  who  is  hard 
of  hearing,  while  he  himself  is  remarkable  as  having  a 
very  prominent  nose.  Once  this  railway  king  dined  at 
a  friend's  house  where  he  sat  between  two  young  ladies* 
who  talked  to  him  very  loudly,  rather  to  his  annoyance, 
but  he  said  nothing.  Finally,  one  of  them  shouted  a 
commonplace  remark  and  then  said,  in  an  ordinary  tone, 
to  the  other,  "  Did  you  ever  see  such  a  nose  in  all  your 
life  ?"  *' Pardon  m^,  ladies,"  said  the  millionaire  ;  *'  it 
is  my  brother  who  is  deaf  ! " 

A  Catamaean  —  Mr.  Joblots:  "  Silsby  told  me  to- 
day that  he  had  just  bought  a  catamaran  and  was  going 
to  keep  it  down  at  the  river." 

Mrs.  Joblots;   "Male  or  female,  James?" 

Not  Enforced  —  An  indignant  citizen  writes  to  a 
New  York  newspaper,  asking  why  corporations  do  not 
enforce  the  rules  which  they  post  in  the  eye  of  the  public. 

"A  New  York  ferry  company,  he  says,  "has  on  the 
ends  of  its  slips  conspicuous  placards  which  read,   *  Pass- 


142  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

engers  must  not  leave  the  boat  until  properly  fastened  to 
the  bridge  ;'  but  though  he  patronizes  the  ferry  every 
day,  he  has  never  yet  seen  a  single  passenger  fastened  to 
\he  bridge." 

The  Greater  Contains  the  Less  —  Thus,  if  a  man 
tenders  more  money  than  he  ought  to  pay,  he  tenders 
what  he  owes,  for  the  greater  contains  the  less  ;  but  a 
quart  wine-bottle,  which  is  greater  than  a  pint  and  a 
half,  does  not  always  contain  a  pint  and  a  half ;  so  that, 
in  this  instance,  the  less  is  not  contained  in  the  greater. 
—  London  Punch. 

Lost — A   gold   watch,    having   a   chain   from   Park 
Street  to  City  Hall. 

Trusting  Providence — A  minister  in  San  Diego 
startled  his  congregation  by  saying,  "I  have  forgotten 
my  notes  and  shall  have  to  trust  to  Providence,  but  this 
evening  I  hope  to  come  better  prepared." 

Forgot  the  Address  —  A  gentleman,  while  out 
hunting  one  day,  had  the  good  fortune  to  catch  a  hare, 
which  he  had  come  upon  as  it  lay  asleep.  Thinking  the 
animal  might  amuse  some  ladies  of  his  acquaintance,  he 
dispatched  his  Irish  servant  w^ith  it  safely  tied  down  in- 
side a  basket  and  duly  labeled.  The  curiosity  of  Pat, 
however,  overcame  his  discretion  on  the  way.  He  undid 
the  string  that  held  down  the  lid,  when  out  popped 
pussy,  and  away  she  flew  like  lightning  across  the  fields. 
"Be  jabers  !  "  exclaimed  Pat,  as  he  scratched  his  head 
and  looked  after  the  retreating  animal,  "you  may  run, 
faith,  but  you  don't  know  where  to  go,,  for  you've  forgot 
to  take  the  address  wid  ye !  " 


.     BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  143 

Ball  Tickets  —  At  a  ball  given  in  a  small  country 
town  in  Ireland,  for  which  the  tickets  were  not  ti*ans- 
ferable,  the  inscription  on  the  ticket  ran  as  follows : 
* 'Admit  this  gentleman  to  ball  in  Assembly  Rooms  ; 
tickets  2s.  6d.  each.  No  gentleman  admitted  unless  he 
comes  himself." 

The  prospect  of  being  guillotined  seemed  to  be  singu- 
larly disagreeable  to  him,  though  he  had  helped  a  mul- 
titude of  people  to  find  that  road  out  of  the  world  loith 
the  utmost  composure. — The  Atelier  du  Lys^^^  (Italics 
should  follow  ''had.") 

False  Logic — The  holder  of  some  shares  in  a  lot- 
tery i^  sure  to  gain  a  prize. 

I  am  a  holder  of  some  shares  in  a  lottery. 
Therefore,  I'm  sure  to  gain  a  prize. 

Blissful  Ignorance  —  Mistress,  angrily  :  ' '  See, 
Bridget,  I  can  write  my  name  in  the  dust !  " 

Servant,  admiringly:  "Oh,  mum,  that's  more  than  I 
can  do.  There's  nothing  like  eddication,  after  all,  is 
there,  mum?  " 

Not  Flattering  —  Embarrassment  or  want  of 
thought  may  cause  people  to  say  things  which  are  the 
reverse  of  what  they  really  mean.  An  English  laborer 
called  on  a  couutry  clergyman  closely  related  to  a  ducal 
house.  The  applicant  wanted  a  letter  of  recommenda- 
tion to  a  neighboring  nobleman,  from  whom  he  hoped 
to  obtain  employment.  "Why  not  go  personally  and 
see  my  lord?"  the  friend  asked.  "Well,  you  see,"  was 
the  nervous  answer,  "  I  do  not  like  speaking  to  Lord 
X ;  he  may  be  proud,  and  not  care  to  listen  to  the 


144  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  . 

likes  of  me.  It  would  be  quite  a  different  thing  if  it 
were  yourself,  for  there's  nothing  of  the  gentleman  in 
you." 

Sometimes  an  awkward  thing  is  spoken  in  all  sim- 
plicity. A  lady  had  in  her  employ  an  excellent  girl  who 
had  one  fault  —  her  face  was  always  in  a  smudge.  Her 
mistress  tried  to  tell  her  to  wash  her  face  without  offend- 
ing her,  and  at  last  resorted  to  strategy.  "Do  you 
know,  Bridget,  she  remarked,  in  a  confidential  manner, 
**it  is  said  that  if  you  wash  the  face  every  day  in  hot, 
soapy  water,  it  will  make  you  look  beautiful?  "  "  Will 
it  now?  "  answered  Bridget.  "Sure  it's  a  wonder  you 
nivver  tried  it  yourself,  mum." 

SiE  Boyle  Roche  —  Ladies  used  to  be  admitted  to 
the  gallery  of  the  Irish  House  of  Commons.  On  one 
occasion  a  great  debate  was  expected  and  the  gallery 
was  crowded  with  ladies.  The  question,  however,  was 
postponed  to  the  next  day.  As  soon  as  the  postponement 
took  place.  Sir  Boyle  Roche  turned  to  the  gallery,  and 
exclaimed,  "Ladies,  upon  my  soul,  I  wish  you  had 
come  to-morrow." 

Mr.  Clay  2>rompted  him  to  seek  a  solution  of  the 
sectional  issues  which  had  been  pressed  by  Northern  pol- 
iticians upon  Congress  hy  another  compromise.  —  james 
WILLIAMS,  The  Rise  and  Fall  of  the  Republic.  (Italics 
should  follow  "seek,"  and  "by"  should  be  "  in.") 

A  Duel — The  following  bull,  says  Miss  Edgeworth, 
is  redolent  of  the  soil,  and  proves  that  in  Ireland,  at 
least,  the  determination  to  overcome  impossibilities  is 
not  yet  extinct.  An  Irish-nin  having  challeMgcd  a 
gentleman  to  fight  a  duel;  who  somehow  forgot  to  attend 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  145 

the  appointment,  met  accidentally  the  same  day  the 
offending  party,  and  thus  addressed  him:  '*Well,  sir, 
I  met  you  this  morning,  but  you  did  not  come ;  however, 
I  am  determined  to  meet  you  to-morrow  morning  whether 
you  come  or  not." 

Not  in  —  Percy  Van  Leer,  at  the  door:  *' You  say 
that  Miss  Courtlandt  is  not  in?  " 

New  Servitor,  stoutly:  *'Yis,  sor,  that's  what  I 
said." 

P.  V.  L. :     "  Can  you  tell  me  when  she  will  be  in?" 

N.  S.:     "No;  but  Oi'U  go  an'  ask  her,  sor." 

Famous  —  As  the  famous  quadrature  of  the  late  Mr. 
John  Machin,  professor  of  astronomy  in  Gresham  Col- 
lege, is  extremely  expeditious  and  hut  little  known,  I 
shall  take  this  opportunity  of  explaining  it. —  de.  hut- 
ton.  Mensuration. 

Jumping  at  Conclusions  —  An  amusing  story  is 
told  of  a  lady,  a  Roman  Catholic,  who  in  her  last  illness 
promised  the  priest  to  leave  a  sum  of  money  for  chari- 
table uses.  When  she  was  dying,  she  begged  the  priest 
to  come  nearer  to  the  bedside,  and  gasped  out,  "  Father 
—  I've  —  given  —  you  — "  "Stay,"  said  the  priest, 
anxious  to  have  as  many  witnesses  as  possible  to  the  ex- 
pected statement,  "I  will  call  in  the  family;"  and, 
Oldening  the  door,  he  beckoned  them  all  in.  "  I've  given 
you,"  repeated  the  old  lady,  with  increasing  difficulty, 
"given  —  you  —  a  great  deal  of  trouble." 

An  American  Boyle  Roche  —  A  writer  in  a  Kansas 
paper  remarks  upgn  the  result  of  a  recent  election  that 
"the   fall   of   corruption  has   been   dispelled,    and   the 

10 


146  BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

wheels  of  the  state  government  will  no  longer  be  tram- 
melled by  sharks  that  have  beset  the  public  prosperity 
like  locusts." 

He  listened  to  objections  to  opinions  which  he  had 
himself  formed  with  the  utmost  kindness  and  attention. 
—  LORD  LENNOX,  Celebrities  I  Have  Known.  (Italics 
should  follow  "listened.") 

Colored  Gratitude  —  An  old  negro  woman  in 
Alabama,  whose  extreme  age  and  helplessness  caused 
friends  to  supply  all  her  needs,  never  failed  to  express 
her  gratitude  in  original  language.  "You  is  powerful 
good  to  a  pore  ole  'oman  like  me,  wid  one  foot  in  de 
grabe  an'  de  oder  a  cry  in'  out,  '  Lawd,  how  long,  how 
long? ' " 

Garret  —  Dr.  Johnson,  in  his  Dictionary,  defines  a 
garret  as  "a  room  on  the  highest  floor  in  the  house," 
and  a  cock-loft  as  "  the  room  over  the  garret." 

Letter  to  a  Son  at  College  —  "  My  Dear  Son  :  I 
write  to  send  you  two  pairs  of  my  old  breeches,  that  you 
may  have  a  new  coat  made  of  them ;  also  some  socks, 
which  your  mother  has  just  knit  by  cutting  down  some 
of  mine.  Your  mother  sends  you  two  pounds  without 
my  knowledge,  and  for  fear  you  may  not  use  it  wisely,  I 
have  kept  back  half  and  only  send  you  one.  Your 
mother  and  I  are  well,  except  that  your  sister  has  got 
the  measles,  which  we  think  would  spread  among  the 
other  girls  if  Tom  had  not  had  it  before,  and  he  is  the 
only  one  left.  I  hope  you  will  do  honor  to  my  teaching; 
if  not,  you  are  an  ass,  and  your  mother  and  myself  your 
affectionate  parents." 


BULLS  AND   BLUNDERS.  147 

A  Statement  in  Physics  —  Patrick:  <' Did  ye'es. 
iver  notice  that  hate  expands  the  rails  an'  cold  makes 
them  shorter?  " 

Dennis  :  *'  Oi  did.  An'  that's  why  the  days  are 
longer  in  the  hot  weather  than  they  are  in  the  winther. 
Ye's  haven't  all  the  larnin'  that's  goin',  me  boy." 
— Pittsburgh  Bulletin. 

The  Spirit  of  I^unchausen  —  Extract  from  a  young 
lady's  letter  from  Venice  :  "  Last  night  I  lay  in  a 
gondola  on  the  Grand  Canal  drinking  it  all  in,  and  life 
never  seemed  so  full  before. " —  Harper's  Monthly, 

The  Irish  of  It  —  Mistress  :  '*  Bridget,  I  told  you 
to  tell  those  ladies  that  I  was  out."  Bridget :  ^'  So  I 
did,  mum  ;  I  said  you  was  out,  but  I  thought  you'd  be 
back  in  a  few  minutes,  an'  begorra,  mum,  they  said 
they'd  come  in  an'  wait." 

Light  Logic — Light  comes  from  the  sun. 
Feathers  are  light. 
Therefore,  feathers  come  from  the  sun. 

Conditions  op  Sale  —  Among  the  conditions  of 
sale  by  an  Irish  auctioneer  was  the  following:  "The 
highest  bidder  to  be  the  purchaser,  unless  some  gentle- 
man bids  more." 

Lost,  a  silver-handled  silk  ladies'  parasol.  (Italics 
should  follow  *' ladies'.") 

Strictly  Business —  Murphy  was  asked  why  it  was 
so  difficult  to  waken  him  in  the  morning.  "Indeed, 
master,  it's  because  of  taking  your  own  advice,  always 


148  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

to  attend  to  what  I'm  about ;  so  whenever  I  sleeps,  I 
pays  attention  to  it." 

Acknowledging  the  Compliment  —  The  Drill  Ser- 
geant, after  worrying  Nesbitt  for  two  hours.  "Right 
about  face."  Nesbitt,  perfectly  immovable  :  "  Thank 
the  Lord,  I'm  right  about  something  at  last." 

Somewhat  Tangled  —  Mr.  Imlach,  late  minister  of 
the  Muirhouse,  near  Dundee,  was  remarkable  for  his  ab- 
sence of  mind.  In  his  prayer  one  day  he  said,  "O 
Lord  !  bless  all  ranks  and  degrees  of  persons,  from  the 
king  in  the  hovel  to  the  beggar  on  the  throne."  Then 
recollecting  himself,  he  added,  "I  mean  from  the  beg- 
gar on  the  throne  to  the  king  in  the  hovel !  " 

Opera  Glasses — Mad  Irishman:  "Bad  cess  to 
these  opery  glasses  !  Take  'em  back  ;  I  don't  want  'em 
at  all.  I  be  afther  lookin'  at  a  mad  bull  acavortin',  and 
begorra  he  tossed  me  over  the  fence  whin  he  was  half  a 
moile  away."  * 

Immense — "Ah,  mam'selle,  you  are  really  beautiful 
this  evening.  That  rosy  mouth,  those  heaveuly  eyes, 
those  hands,  those  feet  —  oh,  they're  all  immense  ! " 
—  Fliegende  JBlaetter. 

Thales  was  not  only  famous  for  his  knowledge  of 
nature,  but  for  his  moral  wisdom. — enfield.  (Read, 
.  .  .  famous  "not  only"  .  .  .,  "but  also "  for, 
etc.) 

Very  Latest — Two  men  were  poring  over  the  news 
in  one  of  our  city  papers,  and  coniing  to  the   heading, 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  149 

*' Latest,"  and  immediately  following  it,  "Very  Latest," 
one  said  to  the  other,  "An'  sure,  Tim,  will  ye  be  afther 
explainin'  w^hat  this  means?"  "Arrah,  bedad,"  said 
Tim,  "an'  it's  meself  that  can  explain  that  to  ye.  Sure 
the  latest  is  what  comes  in  time  to  be  printed,  and  the 
very  latest  is  what  comes  afther  the  paper  is  out." 

Letter  of  Thanks — Extract  from  a  bride's  letter 
of  thanks  :  "Your  beautiful  clock  was  received  and  is 
now  in  the  drawing-room  on  the  mantelpiece  where  we 
hope  to  see  you  often. " 

An  Irish  Exclamation  —  An  Irishman,  seeing  a 
vessel  which  was  heavily  laden,  and  scarcely  above  the 
water's  edge,  exclaimed,  "Upon  my  sowl,  if  the  river 
was  a  little  higher,  the  ship  would  go  to  the  bottom." 

Illogical  —  Nothing  is  better  than  wisdom. 
Gold  is  better  than  nothing. 
Therefore,  gold  is  better  than  wisdom. 

Riot — Recording  the  death  of  a  man  at  a  riot,  a 
Belfast  paper  says,  "They  fired  two  shots  at  him ;  the 
first  shot  killed  him,  T3ut  the  second  shot  was  not  fatal." 

Lie  and  Lay — A  medical  writer  says,  "The  health- 
iest position  to  lay  in  is  with  the  head  to  the  north." 
People  who  own  hens  should  make  a  note  of  this. 

Following  Instructions — Wishing  some  bushes 
removed  from  his  garden,  a  gentleman  told  his  gar- 
dener, a  Hibernian,  to  pull  them  up  by  the  roots.  Some 
time  after  he  went  into  the  garden  and  found  the  gar- 
dener digging  trenches  around  the  bushes      "Why,  Pat- 


160  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

rick,"  he  said,  "you  need  not  dig  around  those  small 
bushes  in  that  way !  You  are  strong  enough  to  pull 
them  up  by  the  roots."  "Oh,  yes,  sir,"  replied  the 
gardener,  "I  am  strong  enough  ;  but  I  must  dig  a  little 
before  I  can  get  hold  of  the  roots.  If  you  had  told  me 
to  pull  them  up  by  the  branches,  I  could  easily  have  re- 
moved them  without  digging." 

A  Fine  Distinction  —  Magistrate:  "It's  |10  or 
thirty  days,  Uncle  Rastus." 

Uncle  Rastus :   ''I'll  take  the  $10." 

Saving  the  Paint — "Phwat's  come  over  yez,  Din- 
nis,  to  make  ye  worruck  so  fast  loike  ?  "  asked  Mrs. 
Hooligan.  "Whisht!  "  replied  Mr.  Hooligan,  who  was 
painting  his  goat  coop.  "Stand  out  o'  me  way,  an' 
don't  shtop  me !  Oi'm  shtrivin'  t'  get  t'rough  before 
me  paint  gives  out. 

The  Irish  Bull  in  Politics  —  The  London  Tory 
journals  are  getting  no  small  amount  of  amusement  out 
of  a  very  fair  specimen  of  an  Irish  bull  perpetrated  by 
Mr.  Dillon  in  his  recent  speech  at  Maryborough.  Said 
that  gentleman,  "The  Irish  j^eople  had  seen  their  country 
in  rags  and  misery,  their  children  going  to  destruction, 
and  themselves  filling  paupers'*  graves,  but  no  man's  hand 
had  been  raised  to  save  them,  while  many  had  been  ex- 
asperated to  crime  and  ended  their  days  on  the  gallows." 
"How,"  ask  Mr.  Dillon's  critics,  "could  the  Irish 
people  see  themselves  filling  paupers'  graves  ?  "  —  N'ew 
York  Press. 

Macaulay  wrote  the  history  of  England  with  the 
two-fold  purpose  of  clearing    the  naTiie  of   the  Whigs 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  161 

from  the  charges  made  by  Hume,  and  to  set  forth  the 
real  life  of  the  English  people.  (Read,  .  .  of  clear- 
ing    .     .     .     and  of  setting  forth,  etc.) 

Secrets  —  The  Sieur  Gaulard,  being  told  by  some- 
body that  the  Dean  of  Alencon  was  dead,  said,  **  Don't 
believe  it  ;  for  if  it  were  so,  I  should  have  heard  from 
him,  as  he  keeps  no  secrets  from  me."  —  hazlitt, 
Studies  in  Jocular  Literature. 

An  Emerald — *' How  are  you  getting  on  in  your 
new  place? "  asked  a  lady  of  a  girl  whom  she  had 
recommended  for  a  situation.  "  Very  well,  thank  you." 
"I  am  truly  glad  to  hear  it,"  said  the  lady.  "Your 
employer  is  a  nice  person,  and  you  cannot  do  too  much 
for  her."  *'I  don't  mean  to,  ma'am,"  was  the  innocent 
reply. 

Happiness,  Home,  and  Peace  —  Somebody  once 
remarked  that  the  Englishman  is  never  happy  but  when 
he  is  miserable  ;  the  Scotchman  is  never  at  home  but 
when  he  is  abroad  ;  and  the  Irishman  is  never  at  peace 
but  when  he  is  fighting. 

He  rolled  back  the  tide  of  reproach  and  contempt 
with  which  the  Pharisees  thought  to  overwhelm  him, 
his  converts,  and  his  cause,  upon  their  oum  heads. — fox, 
Christ  and  Christianity.  (Italics  should  follow  '*  rolled 
back.") 

Parliamentary  Utterances — *<Mr.  Speaker,  I 
boldly  answer  in  the  affirmative — No."  "Mr.  Speaker, 
if  I  have  any  prejudice  against  the  honorable  member, 
it  is  in  his  favor." 


152  BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

A' Visit  to  London  —  An  Irishman,  when  asked  if 
he  had  ever  visited  London,  observed  that  he  never  had 
but  once,  and  then  only  got  as  far  as  Dublin. 

Here  lies  John  Thomas 
And  his  children  dear  ; 
Two  buried  at  Oswestry, 
And  one  here.  —  At  Llanmynech,  Mont- 
gomeryshire. 

Brains  —  Dr.  A.  J.  Palmer,  announcing  the  lecture 
of  Dr.  F.  R.  Bristol,  said,  "The  lecture  is  on  Brains 
for  the  benefit  of  the  Trinity  Church."  The  hearty 
laugh  reminded  him  of  his  slip,  and  he  said,  "The  sub- 
ject is  Brains;  the  door-money  is  for  Trinity  Church." — 
N.  Y.  Independent. 

Assurance  —  To  make  assurance  doubly  sure. — 
SHAKESPEARE,  Mcicheth.  If  an  Irishman,  instead  of 
Shakespeare,  had  talked  of  making  "assurance  doubly 
sure,"  we  should  have  asked  how  that  could  be. —  maria 
EDGEWORTH,  JEssciy  on  Irish  JBulls. 

A  Logical  Fallacy  — 

Money  will  buy  whatever  is  for  sale. 
A  ten  cent  piece  is  money. 

Therefore,    a  ten-cent  piece  will  buy  whatever 
is  for  sale. 

Mrs.  O'Brien's  Son  —  Mrs.  Grady,  through  a  hole 
in  the  back  fence:  "  An'  how's  yer  son,  Moike,  as  wint 
wist  for  his  health,  gettin'  along  at-all  at-all?  " 

Mrs.  O'Brien,  taking  the  clothes-pin  out  of  .her 
mouth:   "  Splindid,    me    dear;  splindid.     He   must  be 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  153 

gittiii'  sthrong  ez  an  ox,  fur  he's  jist  sint  me  a  litter  in 
which  he  sez  he's  been  after  holding  up  a  stage  in  the 
Rocky  mountains,  an'  aul  be  hisself  too,  moind  ye." 

Figurative  Confusioj?^  —  Sight  so  deform,  what 
heart  of  rock  could  long  Dry-eyed  behold  ! —  milton, 
Paradise  Lost. 

He  has  promised  to  pay  the  money  borrowed  from 
me  last  year  a  hundred  times.  (Italics  should  follow 
"promised.") 

"Mr.  Jones  has  just  received  a  letter  from  Mr. 
Smith,  saying  that  he  is  expected  to  deliver  the  next 
annual  address. "  ( Who  is  to  deliver  the  address  ? 
Jones,  or  Smith  ?) 

Clearness  and  Brevity — The  proper  arrangement 
of  words  into  sentences  and  paragraphs  gives  clearness 
and  strength.  To  attain  a  clear  and  pithy  style,  it 
may  be  necessary  to  cut  down,  to  re-arrange,  and  to 
re-write  whole  passages  of  an  essay.  Gibbon  wrote  his 
"Memoirs"  six  times,  and  the  first  chapter  of  his  "His- 
tory" three  times.  Beginners  are  always  slow  to  prune 
or  cast  away  any  thought  or  expression  which  may 
have  cost  labor.  They  forget  that  brevity  is  no  sign 
of  thoughtlessness.  Much  consideration  is  needed  to 
compress  the  details  of  any  subject  into  small  com- 
pass. Essences  are  more  difiicult  to  prepare,  and  there- 
fore more  valuable,  than  weak  solutions.  Pliny  wrote 
to  one  of  his  friends,  "I  have  not  time  to  write  you  a 
short  letter,  therefore  I  have  written  you  a  long  one. " 
Apparent  elaborateness  is  always  distasteful  and  weak. 
Vividness  and  strength  are  the  product  of  an  easy  com- 


154  BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

mand  of  those   small,    trenchant  Saxon    monosyllables 
which  abound  in  the  English  language. — Leisure  Hour. 

Arch  Fund — "I  wish  to  say  to  the  congregation," 
said  a  minister,  "that  the  pulpit  is  not  responsible  for 
the  error  of  the  printer  on  the  tickets  for  the  concert  in 
the  Sunday-school  room.  The  concert  is  for  the  benefit 
of  the  Arch  Fund,  not  the  Arch  Fiend.  We  will  now 
sing  hymn  six,  'To  err  is  human,  to  forgive  divine.'  " 

Half — Irish  Foreman,  to  gang  of  men  in  a  sewer: 
*'How  many  men  is  down  in  that  hole  ?  "  Voice  from 
the  sewer:  '*  Three,  sorr."  Irish  Foreman :  <' Thin  lave 
half  of  yez  cum  up." 

Scotch  Logic — Visitor,  to  inhabitant  of  very  small 
village:  "But  surely  you  must  find  it  very  dull  here, 
never  getting  any  newspapers.  How  d'you  know  what's 
going  on  in  London,  for  instance  ?  " 

Inhabitant :  "Eh,  mon,  but  dinna  ye  ken  that  th'  folk 
in  London  are  jist  as  ignorant  o'  what's  gaun  on  wi'  us?  ^^ 
— London  Judy. 

The  Honors  of  War  —  An  Irish  orator  was  describ- 
ing the  horrors  of  a  certain  battle  in  the  late  Franco- 
Prussian  war,  and  had  at  last  succeeded  in  fixing  the 
attention  of  his  audience,  when  he  suddenly  excited  a 
most  rapturous  burst  of  applause  by  thundering  out, 
"And  the  sun  sunk  to  rest,  'midst  the  groans  of  the 
dying  and  the  shrieks  of  the  dead." 

Deception  —  An  English  and  an  Irish  sailor  were  in 
an  engagement  together.  The  former  had  his  leg  shot 
off,  and  asked  Pat  to  carry  him  below  to  the  doctor. 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  155 

Pat  picked  him  up,  and  while  carrying  him  off,  another 
ball,  miknown  to  Pat,  carried  off  the  Englishman's 
head.  Some  one  told  Pat  it  was  no  use  carrying  the  man 
to  the  surgeon,  for  his  head  was  off.  "By  my  sowl," 
said  Pat,  "the  fellow  desaved  me;  he  told  me  it  was 
his  leg." 

A  Minister's  Announcement  —  A  Scottish  minister 
innocently  announced  from  his  pulpit,  "  During  the 
week  I  shall  visit  all  members  of  the  congregation  at 
the  north  end  of  the  town,  embracing  also  the  servant 
girls." 

A  Fine  Display  —  Mrs.  Brannigan,  at  Mrs.  Raf- 
ferty's  funeral:  "  Sure,  an'  it's  a  foine  disphlay.  Missus 
Casey."  Mrs.  Casey  :  "  It  is  thot !  How  the  desaysed 
would  ha'  enjoyed  it  if  she  cud  ha'  been  here.  She  wuz 
a  great  hand  for  a  funeral  wuz  thot  same  Missus 
Rafferty." —  Chicago  Inter- Ocean. 

Educational  —  Paterfamilias,  after  admonition  in 
another  form  to  Hopeful :  "Take  dat  !  an'  get  to  yo' 
book.  Fuss  thing  yo'  know  at  de  zamination  yo'  woan 
know  yo  A  B  C  from  yo  alfybet." 

The  soldier  was  punished  for  the  offence,  icho  diso- 
beyed his  officer.     (Italics  should  follow  "soldier.") 

Cannibalism  —  A  horrid  suspicion  of  cannibalism 
hangs  about  the  advertisement  of  a  St.  Louis  man. 
"AVanted  a  good  girl  to  cook,  and  one  who  will  make  a 
good  roast  or  broil  and  will  stew  well."  Almost  as 
barbarous  is  a  farmer  near  Fulton,  New  York,  who 
posted   this   notice    in    his    field,     "If    any   man's   or 


156  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

woman's  cows  or  oxen  gits  in  these  oats,  his  or  her  head 
will  be  cut  off,  as  the  case  may  be." 

Hospitality  —  An  Irish  gentleman,  visiting  some 
friends  in  the  North,  was  received  with  so  much  'hospi- 
tality and  drank  so  very  hard,  that  he  departed  in  a 
shorter  time  than  was  expected  ;  and  when  asked  the 
reason,  very  gravely  said,  "  that  he  liked  them  so  very 
much,  and  ate  and  drank  so  incessantly,  that  he  was  sure 
if  he  lived  there  a  month  longer,  he  should  die  in  a 
fortnight. " 

He  said  that  he  would  be  home  this  morning  at  3 
P.  M.     (Italics  should  follow  *'said.") 

Asiatic  Cholera  —  A  physician  once  boasted  to  Sir 
Henry  Halford,  "I  was  the  first  to  discover  Asiatic 
cholera  and  communicate  it  to  the  public." 

Irish  Generosity — "  And  how  are  ye  falin'  ter  day, 
Mr.  O'Rafferty  ?  " 

«<I  niver  felt  so  poorly  in  all  me  life.  I'm  too  poor 
to  buy  the  necessaries  of  life.  If  I  had  millions  it's 
ivery  cint  av  it  that  I'd  give  to  be  a  rich  man."' 

*'I'm  wid  ye,  Mr.  O'Rafferty.  If  I  owned  the  whole 
wurld  I'd  be  willin'  ter  give  it  away  for  a  little  piece  of 
land  an'  a  cabin  that  I  could  call  me  own." 

Doctor  Johnson's  Gem  — 
Turn  from  the  glittering  bribe  your  scornful  eye. 
Nor  sell  for  gold  what  gold  can  never  buy. 

To-Let — House  to  be  let  directly,  or  sooner  if 
required.     Inquire  within. 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  157 

Absent-Minded — '*!  am  going  to  give  2^  free  lecture 
in  town,"  said  a  gentleman  visiting  his  native  place,  to 
an  old  friend.      *'  I  hope  you  will  come." 

<«  Delighted,  I'm  sure  !     How  much  are  the  tickets  .^" 

I  found  what  a  poor  superficial  creature  I  was 
afterwards. — James  Meetvjell.  (Italics  should  follow 
*<  found.") 

Hear,  Hear  —  Sheridan  was  one  day  annoyed  by  a 
member  of  the  House  of  Commons  who  kept  crying  out 
every  few  minutes,  "  Hear,  Hear  !  "  During  the  debate 
he  took  occasion  to  describe  an  opponent  who  wished  to 
play  the  rogue,  but  had  only  sense  enough  to  act  the 
fool.  **  Where,"  he  cried,  with  great  emphasis,  "  where 
shall  we  find  a  more  foolish  knave  or  a  more  knavish 
fool  than  he  ?  "  *'  Hear,  hear,"  shouted  the  troublesome 
member  as  usual ;  whereupon  Sheridan  turned  round, 
and  thanking  the  honorable  gentleman  for  the  prompt 
information,  sat  down  amid  a  general  roar  of  laughter. 

A  Parallel  Case  —  <'We  have  to  go  back  five  centu- 
ries for  a  parallel  to  this  case,"  cried  the  orator.  *'  And 
even  then  we  don't  find  it." 

Home-Guards  —  Sparrowgrass'  proposition,  that  the 
Home  Guards  should  not  leave  home  except  in  case  of 
invasion,  is  equal  to  the  old  story  of  the  Bungtown 
Riflemen,  an  Ohio  military  company,  whose  by-laws 
consisted  of  two  sections,  namely  : 

"Article  First.  This  company  shall  be  known  as 
the  Bungtown  Riflemen. 

Article  Second.  In  case  of  war  this  company  shall 
immediately  disband." 


158  BTTLLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

Sir  Boyle  Roche  —  Except  in  his  bulls,  Sir  Boyle 
Roche  would  never  attempt  the  impossible.  When  some 
one  said  that  the  sergeant-at-arms  should  have  stopped  a 
man  in  the  rear  of  the  house  when  he  was  trying  to 
catch  him  in  front,  Roche  asked,  <'  Did  he  think  the 
sergeant-at-arms  could  be,  like  a  bird,  in  two  places  at 
once?  " 

He  was  shocked  at  the  tempora  et  mores  of  "  young- 
Ireland."  *'The  progress  of  the  times,  Mr.  Speaker,  is 
such,  that  little  children  who  can  neither  walk  nor  talk 
may  be  seen  running  about  the  streets,  cursing  their 
Maker." 

Much  Obliged  —  Polite  Conductor  :  *'  Shall  I  help 
you  to  alight,  madame?" 

Aunt  Mindy  :  "  Much  obleeged,  young  man,  but  I 
don't  smoke.  "You  aint  got  any  reel  old  Scotch  snuff 
'bout  ye,  have  ye  ?  "  . 

Mrs.  Partington  —  Ike  has  got  a  horse  so  spiritu- 
ous that  it  always  goes  oif  in  a  decanter. 

A  Lucid  Examination — An  eccentric  lawyer  thus 
questioned  a  client:  "So  your  uncle,  Dennis  O'Fla- 
herty,  had  no  family?"  "None  at  all,  yer  honor," 
responded  the  client.  The  lawyer  made  a  memorandum 
of  the  reply,  and  then  continued,  "  Ver^  good.  And 
your  father,  Patrick  O'Flaherty,  did  he  have  chick  or 
child?" 

A  New  Version  —  An  old  preacher,  after  service 
on  Sunday,  announced  his  readings  for  the  following 
Sabbath.  During  the  week  some  mischievous  boys 
managed  to  paste  together   two  of   the  leaves  of   his 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  159 

Bible  just  where  he  was  to  read.  So  on  Sunday  the 
minister  read  as  follows : 

*' And  Noah  took  unto  himself  a  wife  who  was"  — 
and  here  he  turned  the  leaf — "  forty  cubits  broad,  one 
hundred  and  forty  cubits  long." 

With  a  look  of  astonishment  he  wiped  his  glasses, 
re-read  and  verified  the  passage,  and  then  said,  "My 
friends,  although  I  have  read  the  Bible  many  times, 
this  is  the  first  time  I  have  ever  seen  this  passage,  but  I 
take  it  as  another  evidence  of  the  fact  that  man  is  most 
fearfully  and  wonderfully  made." 

I  can  only  regard  them  as  Scotticisms. —  dean 
ALFORD.     (Italics  should  follow  "them.") 

Telling  the  Truth  —  A  newspaper  was  running  a 
serial  called  "The  Truth."  One  week,  so  much  space 
being  devoted  to  other  matters,  the  editor,  unable  to 
continue  the  story,  made  the  following  announcement, 
containing  perhaps  more  truth  than  any  other  item  in 
the  paper:  "'The  Truth'  was  crowded  out  of  this 
issue  on  account  of  more  important  matter." 

An  Irishman's  Notion  of  Discount  —  It  chanced 
one  gloomy  day  in  the  month  of  December,  that  a  good- 
humored  Irishman  applied  to  a  merchant  to  discount  a 
bill  of  exchange  for  him  at  rather  a  long,  though  not  an 
unusual,  date;  and  the  merchant  casually  remarked 
that  the  bill  had  a  great  many  days  to  run.  "That's 
true,"  replied  the  Irishman,  "but  consider  how  short 
the  days  are  at  this  time  of  the  year." 

Roast  Beef  —  An  Irish  butcher  says  "the  best  way 
to  cut  roast  beef  is  horizontally  doicnwards.^'' 


160  BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

I  will  now  proceed  as  briefly  as  I  can  to  sum  up  the 
weight  of  the  evidence  in  the  case.  — Argument  of  Coun- 
sel.    (Italics  should  follow  <' sum  up.") 

Invisible  Wire — A  manufacturing  wire-worker,  in 
an  advertisement,  invites  the  public  to  come  and  see  his 
invisible  wire  fence. 

A  Fervent  Prayer  —  A  minister  in  the  South, 
who  was  a  very  small,  slender  man,  once  had  a  fervent 
prayer  offered  in  his  behalf  commencing  as  follows  :  "O 
Lord,  bless  this  thy  gigantic  servant,  whom  thou  hast 
set  over  us  for  the  extermination  of  the  gospel.  Bless 
him,  O  Lord,  with  unmitigated  ages  of  the  world  to 
come  !  " 

An  Old  Family — English  tourist:  ''Well,  Paddy, 
these  O'Hoolachans  seem  a  very  old  family." 

P.:  "Yiss,  sorr,  it  is  thimselves  that  be  jist  the 
same.  Now  a  hundred  yairs  is  counted  a  great  toime  wid 
some  families,  but  not  wid  thim,  for  by  the  same  token 
the  O'Hoolachans  were  as  ould  a  thousand  yairs  ago  as 
they  are  this  blissid  day,  so  they  were." 

A  Bashful  Break  —  A  bashful  gentleman,  visiting 
a  school  kept  by  a  young  lady,  was  asked  by  the  teacher 
to  say  a  few  words  to  the  pupils.  "  Scholars,"  said  he, 
"I  hope  you  will  always  love  your  teacher  as  much  as 
I  do."  A  tableau  of  giggling  pupils  and  a  blushing 
teacher  attested  the  effectiveness  of  his  words. 

I  remember  when  the  French  band  of  the  "Guides" 
were  in  this  country,  reading  in  th«,  Illustrated  Neim. — 
ALFORD.     (Italics  should  follow  "remember.") 


BULLS    AND   BLUNDERS.  161 

Better  Left  Unsaid  —  An  aggrieved  father  com- 
jjlained  bitterly  of  the  conduct  of  his  son.  He  related 
at  length  to  an  old  friend  all  the  young  man's  escapades. 
'<  You  must  speak  to  him  with  firmness  and  recall  him  to 
his  duty,"  said  the  friend.  "But  he  pays  not  the  least 
attention  to  what  I  say;  he  listens  only  to* the  advice  of 
fools.     I  wish  you  would  talk  to  him." 

A  Great  Future  —  An  unusually  muddle-headed 
young  peer  once  remarked  at  the  Oxford  Union,  "I  be- 
lieve, sir,  that  the  Established  Church  has  a  great  future. 
But  that  will,  of  course,  depend  upon  the  use  she  makes 
of  it." 

Here  lies  the  body  of  John  Mound, 

Lost  at  sea  and  never  found. — At  Belturhet^  Ireland. 

It  is  alleged  that  he  committed  suicide  in  the  morn- 
ing ijapers. —  Chicago  Paper.  (Italics  should  follow 
"alleged.") 

The  man  who  sat  writing  with  a  Roman  nose  was 
ordered  to  leave  the  room.  (Italics  should  follow 
"man.") 

Bathos  (Anti-Climax)  —  Sinking  when  you  mean  to 
rise.  The  waxen  wings  of  Icarus,  which,  instead  of 
making  him  the  master  of  the  air,  plunged  him  into  the 
water,  were  a  practical  bathos.  So  was  the  miserable 
imitation  of  the  Thunderer  by  Salmoneus,  which,  in- 
stead of  giving  him  a  place  among  the  gods,  consigned 
him  to  the  regions  below. 

Of  the  written  bathos,  an  amusing  instance  is  af- 
forded in  the  published  tour  of  a  lady,  who  has  attained 
11 


162  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

some  celebrity  in  literature.  Describing  a  storm  to 
which  she  was  exposed  when  crossing  in  the  steamboat 
from  Dover  to  Calais,  her  ladyship  says,  "In  spite  of 
the  most  earnest  solicitations  to  the  contrary,  in  which 
the  captain  eagerly  joined,  I  firmly  persisted  in  remain- 
ing upon  deck,  although  the  tempest  had  now  increased 
to  such  a  frightful  hurricane  that  it  was  not  without 
great  difficulty  I  could  hold  up  my  parasol !  " 

As  a  worthy  companion  to  this  Vittle  .morceaUy  we 
copy  the  following  affecting  advertisement  from  a  Lon- 
don newspaper:   "If  this  should  meet  the  eye  of  Emma 

D ,  who  absented  herself  last   Wednesday  from 

her  father's  house,  she  is  implored  to  return,  when  she 
will  be  received  with  undiminished  aifection  by  her  al- 
most heart-broken  parents.  If  nothing  can  persuade 
her  to  listen  to  their  joint  appeal,  should  she  be  deter- 
mined to  bring  their  grey  hairs  with  sorrow  to  the  grave, 
should  she  never  mean  to  revisit  a  home  where  she  has 
passed  so  many  happy  years,  it  is  at  least  expected,  if 
she  is  not  totally  lost  to  all  sense  of  propriety,  that  she 
will,  without  a  moment's  further  delay,  send  back  the 
key  of  the  tea-caddy." — Ti?i  Trumpet. 

Mr.  H ,  the  Professor  of  Chemistry  in  the  Uni- 
versity of  Dublin,  who  was  more  remarkable  for  the 
clearness  of  his  intellect  than  the  purity  of  his  eloquence, 
adverted  in  one  of  his  lectures  to  the  celebrated  Dr. 
Boyle,  of  whose  talents  he  spoke  with  the  highest  ven- 
eration. He  thus  concluded  his  eulogy:  "He  was  a 
great  man,  a  very  great  man;  he  was  the  father  of  chem- 
istry, gentlemen,  and  the  brother  of  the  Earl  of  Corl^" 

Courts  of  law  frequently  offer  excellent  examples  of 
bathos,  especially  the  inferior  tribunals,  whose  magis- 
trates feel  most  keenly  the  glory  of  a  little  brief 
authority.       A   famous    story   is    that   of    the   London 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  163 

"beak"  who  made  this  tremendous  appeal  to  a  witness 
about  to  take  the  oath:  "Remember  that  the  eyes  of 
God  and  of  Her  Majesty's  police  court  are  upon  you." 
Equally  famous  is  the  exordium  of  another  justice's 
charge  to  a  jury  in  a  case  of  larceny:  "For  forty 
centuries  the  thunders  of  Sinai  have  echoed  through  the 
world,  '  Thou  shalt  not  steal.'  This  is  also  a  principle 
of  the  common  law  and  a  rule  of  equity." 

"The  enemy  is  now  hovering  upon  our  borders, 
preparing  to  press  the  knife  to  our  throats,  to  devastate 
our  fields,  to  quarter  themselves  in  our  houses,  and  to 
devour  our  poultry." 

The  effect  of  anti-climax  is  generally  ludicrous,  and 
when  used  intentionally  it  tends  to  depreciate  the  sub- 
ject to  which  it  is  applied  by  covering  it  with  ridicule. 
It  is,  therefore,   very  frequently  employed  in  humorous 
and  satirical  composition.     But  it  is  sometimes  used  un- 
intentionally, and  then  it  is  called   "  bathos,"  the  effect 
being  to  turn  the    ridicule  with  which  it  is  associated 
upon  the  writer  himself.     The  following  are  examples  : 
And  thou,  Dalhousie,  thou  great  god  of  war, 
Lieutenant-colonel  to  the  Earl  of  Mar. 
They  gazed  in  awe  upon  the  Corsican, 
That  mighty-minded,  but  small-bodied  man. 

"The  arm  of  the  Lord,"  said  a  preacher,  "is  as 
fixed  as  fate,  as  sure  as  eternity,  as  strong  as  the  rock  of 
Gibraltar." 

"Were  Russia  to  possess  the  Bosporus,"  says  a 
recent  writer,  "  and  the  Turks  be  driven  out,  progress 
would  cease.  The  missionaries  would  be  exiled,  re- 
ligious freedom  crushed  out,  and  ninety  millions  of 
people  speaking  one  language  would  be  brought  under 
the  yoke  of  an  iron  despotism,  which  in  its  strength  and 
noiseless  movements  is  as  resistless  as  the  great  Corliss 


164  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

engine  at  Philadelphia." — james  de  mille.  Elements  of 
Rhetoric. 

The  following  is  the  rapturous  exclamation  of  a 
Frenchman:  *'Superbe!  magnifique  !  in  short,  pretty 
well!" 

A  country  newspaper  thus  describes  the  effects  of  a 
hurricane :  "It  shattered  mountains,  tore  up  oaks  by  the 
roots,  dismantled  churches,  laid  villages  waste,  and 
overturned  a  hay-stack." 

A  Pretty  Niece  —  An  old  bachelor  having  a  very 
lively,  pretty  niece  to  keep  house  for  him,  remarked  to 
an  old  friend  of  his,  "Kitty  is  a  nice  girl,  but  she's  too 
fond  of  running  out  to  look  after  her  sweethearts." 
«  Why,"  he  continued,  "  she  goes  out  of  doors  ten  times 
a  day  for  once  that  she  comes  in." 

A  Triumphant  Appeal  —  That  was  a  triumphant 
appeal  of  an  Irishman  who  was  a  lover  of  antiquity, 
who,  in  arguing  the  superiority  of  old  architecture  over 
the  new,  said,  "  Where  will  you  find  any  modern  build- 
ing that  has  lasted  so  long  as  the  ancient  ?" 

Mum  —  An  Irishman,  enforcing  the  necessity  of  se- 
crecy, says,    "Keep  mum  and  don't  say  a  word." 

Tombstone  Literature  —  Upon  the  monument  of  a 
beloved  missionary  is  inscribed  this  epitaph,  "  He  was 
shot  by  his  attendant.  Well  done,  good  and  faithful 
servant." 

Compliments  of  the  Season  —  A  lady  made  a  Christ- 
mas present  to  an  old  servant  a  few  days  before  it  might 
have  been  expected.     It  was  gratefully  received,  witli 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  165 

the  following  Hibernian  expression  of  thanks  .  **  I  am 
very  much  obliged  to  you,  indeed,  ma'am  ;  and  wish  you 
many  returns  of  the  season  before  it  comes.'''' 

Mixed  Flats  —  Mabel:  "I  suppose  you  heard  of 
Sister  Lou's  marriage  ?     She's  taken  a  flat  up  town." 

Miss  Jellus  :  *'Yes,  I  heard  she  had  a  flat,  but  I 
didn't  hear  where  she  had  taken  him." 

From  the  North  of  Ireland  —  An  apprentice  sailor- 
boy  fell  from  the  round-top  to  the  deck,  stunned,  but 
little  hurt.  The  captain  exclaimed  in  surprise,  "Why, 
where  did  you  come  from?"  <'From  the  North  of 
Ireland,  yer  honor,"  was  the  prompt  reply,  as  the  poor 
fellow  gathered  himself  up. 

The  only  surprising  thing  really  about  the  election  is 
the  slight  interest  shown,  etc. — Pittsburgh  Paper. 
(Italics  should  follow  *'only.") 

Wanted  — We  are  moved  to  gentle  and  kindly  mirth 
when  under  the  head  of  "Wanted  "  we  read  that  "a  re- 
spectable young  woman  wants  washing."  But  we  have 
grown  quite  used  to  such  journalistic  English  as  "octag- 
onal men's  cassimere  pantaloons,"  or  "woolen  children's 
mitts,"  or  "terra-cotta  la'dies'  gloves;"  so  much  so  that 
we  scarcely  pause  to  smile  at  the  odd  images  they  ought 
to  raise  in  the  mind  that  is  grammatically  constituted. 
So  also  with  advertisements  for  such  articles  as  a  "key- 
less ladies'  watch,"  "a  green  ladies'  parasol,"  or  "a 
brown  silk  gentleman's  umbrella. "  And  in  hastily  run- 
ning your  eye  over  the  papers  you  rarely  pause  to  give 
its  due  meed  of  surprise  to  the  appetite  of  a  lady  who 
wants  "to  take  a  gentleman  for  breakfast  and  dinner  ;" 


166  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

the  benevolence  of  a  boarding-house  keeper  who  adver- 
tises that  <' single  gentlemen  are  furnished  with  pleasant 
rooms,  also  one  or  two  gentlemen  with  wives  ;"  or  the 
audacity  of  a  merchant  who,  in  a  free  country,  openly 
gives  notice,  «' Wanted,  a  woman  to  sell  on  commis 
sion."  —  WALSH,  Literary   Curiosities. 

Mixed  Metaphor — "Gentlemen  of  the  jury,"  said 
an  Irish  barrister,  "it  will  be  for  you  to  say  whether 
this  defendant  shall  be  allowed  to  come  into  court  with 
unblushing  footsteps,  with  the  cloak  of  hypocrisy  in  his 
mouth,  and  draw  three  bullocks  out  of  my  client's 
pocket  with  impunity. " 

Obeying  Orders  —  Pat  was  a  fresh  arrival  and  had 
obtained  a  situation  in  a  hotel  as  a  sort  of  a  man  of  all 
work.  "Now,  Pat,"  said  the  landlord,  "you  see  that 
sign,  'Gentlemen  must  use  the  spittoons.'  If  you  notice 
any  of  the  guests  violating  that  rule,  I  want  you  to  re- 
port the  matter  to  me. " 

"Oi  wull,  sor."  Pat  kept  a  sharp  lookout,  and, 
after  watching  a  gentleman  for  half  an  hour,  went  to 
him  and  said, 

"D'ye  moind  the  sign  forninst  the  wall,  sor  ?  " 

"Yes." 

"Why  don't  you  observe  it,  thin  ?  " 

"I'm  not  spitting  on  the  carpet,"  said  the  gentleman, 
rather  astonished. 

"  Oi  know  yer  not,  an'  yer  not  usin'  the  spettune, 
nayther.     Spet,  ye  thafe,  or  Oi'll  report  yez." 

Sayings  of  Great  Mex — Buchmann  quotes  Deputy 
Kell  in  the  Saxon  Parliament:  "lam  indeed  ignorant 
of  the  government's  reasons,   but  I  disapprove  of  them," 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  l67 

( Ich  heniie  zwar  die  Grwicle  der  Begieriuig  nicht^  aher 
ich  inishillige  sie. )  President  Harrison's  message  as 
originally  delivered  congratulated  Congress  that  "the 
United  States  are  at  peace  with  all  the  world,  and  sustain 
amicable  relations  with  the  rest  of  mankind. " —  bent, 
Short  Sayings  of  Great  Men. 

The  weight  of  the  skeleton  alone  (of  a  whale)  was 
thirty-one  tons,  and  was  afterwards  exliibited  in  London 
and  Paris.  —  Scotsman.  (Was  it  the  "weight "or  the 
'*  skeleton"  that  was  exhibited.) 

Art — When  we  see  the  legends.  Art  colors,  Art 
furniture.  Art  plumbing,  we  might  as  well  say.  The 
Lord  preserve  us-pots ;  or,  Heaven  help  us-hats ;  or. 
Bless  US-boots,  for  any  definite  meaning  the  terms 
convey  over  and  above  the  craft  of  the  tradesman  making 
haste  to  profit  by  a  certain  boom  in  esthetics.  —  Walter 
CRANE,  Modern  Life  and  the  Artistic  Sense. 

Secret  Societies — Wash:  *'What  advantage  has 
yer  got  from  belongin'  to  dese  heah  secret  sercierties  like 
de  Dark  Risin'  Sons  of  Liberty?" 

Pete:  '*In  de  fust  place,  if  yer  gets  sick  yer  has 
foah  dollars  a  week.  Dat's  not  much,  but  sj)osin'  yer 
dies,  den  yer  gets  1500,  and  yer  can  hab  a  heap  of  fun 
fer  dat  money." 

A  Remarkable  Handbill — The  following  remark- 
able hand-bill  was  printed,  and  stuck  up  in  several  parts 
of  the  City  of  Dublin:  "This  is  to  certify,  that  I, 
Daniel  O'Flanagan,  am  not  the  person  that  was  tarred 
and  feathered  by  the  liberty  mob  on  Tuesday  last ;  and 
I  am  ready  to  give  twenty  guineas  to  any  one  that  will 


168  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

bet  me  fifty  that  I  am  the  other  man  who  goes  by  my 
name.  Witness  my  hand  this  30th  of  July.  Dan 
O'Flanagan." 

A  Character  Certificate  —  A  gentleman  lately 
dismissed  a  clever  but  dishonest  gardener.  For  the 
sake  of  his  wife  and  family,  however,  he  gave  the  man  a 
character,  and  this  is  how  he  worded  it :  "I  hereby 
certify  that  A.  B.  has  been  my  gardener  for  over  two 
years,  and  during  that  time  he  has  got  more  out  of  my 
garden  than  any  other  man  I  ever  employed." — Dundee 
Weekly  News. 

Although  in  London  he  had  carried  off  several  prizes 
and  won  his  scholarship  with  the  greatest  ease,  by 
reason  of  his  mother's  death,  now,  his  chief  incentive  to 
exertion  seemed  to  be  removed.  —  Illustrated  Remew. 
(<*Now  "  should  follow  "ease.") 

Dropping  a  Letter  —  The  story  is  told  that  in  a 
certain  edition  of  a  prayer-book,  in  the  transit  from  the 
composing  to  the  press  room,  the  "  c"  dropped  out  from 
the  clause,  "We  shall  all  be  changed  in  the  twinkling 
of  an  eye." 

Diamonds — "To  display  a  diamond  properly,"  says 
a  prominent  American  jeweler,  "  it  must  be  worn 
alone."  But  regardless  of  this  dictum  ladies  possessing 
diamonds  will  doubtless  continue  to  prefer  to  wear  them 
in  company Manchester  Union, 

Ahead  of  Time  —  An  Irishman,  comparing  his 
watch  with  the  clock  of  St.  Paul's,  burst  into  a  fit  of 
laughter.     Being  asked  what  tickled  him,  he  answered. 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  IGl) 

*' Ana  how  can  I  help  it  ?  Here  is  my  little  watch,  that 
was  made  by  Paddy  O'Flaherty,  which  cost  me  five 
guineas,  has  beat  your  big  London  clock  there  a  full 
hour  and  a  quarter  since  yesterday  morning." 

Very  German  —  A  Teuton,  who  is  nothing  if  not 
athletic,  took  part  in  some  sports  organized  by  a  Ger- 
man gymnasium.  He  competed  in  two  races,  the  sec- 
ond of  which  he  won.  He  thus  briefly  and  ej^igram- 
matically  summed  up  his  performance :  "  I  vos  first  at 
last  if  I  vos  pehind  pefore." 

Her  Afternoons  —  Butcher,  with  a  bill:  <'Is  the 
missus  in  this  afternoon  ?  " 

Servant:  <'No,  sorr.  Her  afternoons  is  Chewsdays 
and  Thoorsdays." — Harper's  Bazar. 

"  Half  —  The  following  employment  of  half  is  cer- 
tainly intolerable  :  "In  his  ranting  way,  half-poetical, 
half-inspired,  half-idiotic,  Coleridge  began  to  console 
me." — Memoirs  of  Hay  den.  Here  are  three  halves  !  as 
in  the  Irish  translation  of  Gallia  omnis,  etc.,  "All 
Gaul  is  quartered  into  three  halves." — hodgson,  Errors 
in  the  Use  of  English. 

Lady  —  Woman  —  Statisticians  have  decided  that 
there  are  more  "ladies"  among  colored  than  among 
white  people.  Indeed,  the  very  word  colored  is  a 
lady-like  euphemism.  General  Sherman's  story  of 
the  colored  gentleman  who  rang  at  his  door-bell  and 
asked,  "  Does  a  woman  named  Sherman  live  here?  I 
want  to  see  the  lady  who  cooks  for  her,"  is  one  of  a 
thousand  which  doubtless  have  been  utilized  by  these 
statisticians. 


ITO  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

Irish  Tim  McGowan  —  Tim  McGowan  bad  his  limb 
crushed  when  quite  a  boy.  He  afterwards  lost  his  life 
in  the  Mexican  war,  and  his  surviving  brother,  Dennis, 
never  ceased  boasting  of  Tim's  exploits. 

"Och,  murder,"  says  he,  ''you  ought  to  seen  Tim 
at  Rye-Sack  a  dollare  Pole  me  (meaning  Resaca  de  la 
Palma).  He  caught  two  Mexican  blackguards  by  the 
cuffs  of  their  necks  and  kilt  them  both  as  dead  as  her- 
rin's  by  knockin'  their  heads  together." 

"How  could  that  be,"  said  the  listener,  *'  when  your 
brother  had  but  one  arm?  " 

''Bless  your  sowl,"  answered  Dennis,  "one  arm  had 
he?  That's  true  enough  for  ye,  but  then,  ye  see,  Tim 
forgot  all  about  that  when  he  got  into  a  fight." 

Betvteen — In  a  trial  in  a  New  England  village  a 
witness  testified,  ' '  There  was  somewheres  between 
'leven  and  twelve  eggs  jn  the  basket." 

Professor  —  The  professor,  drawing  a  letter  out  of 
bis  pocket:  "It  is  very  strange.  I'm  sure  I  jjut  this 
letter  in  the  letter-box,  but,"  searching  further,  "good- 
ness gracious  !  where's  my  handkerchief?  " 

To  Rent  —  A  keeper  of  a  boarding  house  wishes  to 
rent  a   "  room  to  a  gentleman,  large,  airy,  and  square." 

Worse  than  Death — "Pat,"  said  one  Catholic 
friend  to  another.  "  how  would  you  like  to  be  buried  in 
a  Protestant  graveyard?  "     "  Faith  an'  I'd  die  first !  " 

Income  Tax  —  An  editor,  writing  in  favor  of  the  in- 
come tax,  hopes  that  "  the*^  Government  will  not  repeat 
the  blunder  of  killing  the  calf  that  laid  the  golden  eggs." 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  17 1 

Wonders  Never  Cease  —  Passer  by  :  "  What's  the 
matter  with  your  horse?"  Driver:  "lie's  drap  dead. 
Cur'us,  too.  Nebber  see  him  do  dat  befoah." — Texas 
Sifting  s. 

Finishing  the  Job  —  Foreman:  "Look  here,  Pat, 
you  heard  the  governor  say  that  job  must  be  finished  to- 
night?" Pat:  "All  roight,  master,  I'll  have  it  done 
to-night  if  it  takes  me  till  to-marrow  marnin'." 

A  Congressional  Break  —  A  member  of  Congress 
from  a  lumber  district  wanted  to  take  a  uajj  during  de- 
bate, and  engaged  a  fellow  member  to  wake  him  when  a 
certain  forestry  bill  came  up  for  discussion.  His  friend, 
to  give  him  time  to  collect  himself,  roused  him  at  the 
bill  next  preceding  on  the  calendar,  which  happened  to 
be  one  fixing  penalties  for  burglary.  Springing  to  his 
feet  he  vociferated,  "Mr.  Speaker,  I  want  to  say  a  word 
on  this  bill;  more  than  half  my  constituents  get  their 
living  in  this  way." 

Very  Bullish  —  A  well  known  M.  P.  began  a  speech 
on  the  Judicature  Bill,  with  the  assertion  that  he  could 
not  keep  silent  any  longer  without   saying  a  few  words. 

Imagery  Running  Riot  —  A  minister's  eloquent  de- 
scription ran  thus  :  "  All  along  the  tmtrodden  paths  of 
the  past  we  discern  the  foot-jyrints  of  an  Almighty 
A«w<7." 

Military  Obedience  must  be  implicit  and  unreason- 
ing. "  Sir,"  said  the  Duke  of  Wellington  to  an  ofticer 
of  engineers,  who  urged  the  impossibility  of  executing 
the  dix-ections    he  had   received,    "I  did  not  ask  your 


172  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

opinion  ;  I  gave  you  my  orders,  and  I  expect  them  to  be 
obeyed."  It  might  have  been  difficult,  however,  to  yield 
a  literal  obedience  to  the  adjutant  of  a  volunteer  corps, 
who,  being  doubtful  whether  he  had  distributed  muskets 
to  all  the  men,  cried  out,  "All  you  that  are  without 
arms  will  please  to  hold  up  your   hands.'''' —  Tm  Trum- 


A  Steeple-Chase  —  Describing  a  steeple-chase,  the 
Irish  Times  says,  "A  very  nice  day's  sport  was  car- 
ried on  over  an  excellent  course,  all  grass,  over  the  lands 
of  Mr.  Henderson,  whose  hosjntality  was  unbounded.  It 
consisted  of  two  walls,  two  hank  drops,  a  water  cut,  and 
two  hurdles^ 

The   Emerald    Way  —  Johnson:    "Do    you    know 

Jones?  " 

O'Kelly:   "Yis,  sir;  I  know  him." 

Johnson  :    "  Can  a  person  believe  what  he  says?  " 

O'Kelly:   "Faith,  an'  it's  jist  this  way.     Whin  he 

tells  ye  the  truth  ye  can  belave  ivery  word  he  says,  but 

whin  he  lies  to  yez,  ye  betther  have  no  confidince  in  him 

at  all." 

Wanted  —  At  a  shoj)  window  appeared  the  follow- 
ing notice  :  "  Wanted,  two  apprentices,  who  will  be 
treated  as  one  of  the  family." 

Afraid  —  Sunday-school      teacher,     sadly:        "I'm 

afraid,  Johnny,  that  I  will  never  meet  you  in  heaven." 

Johnny:   "Why?  What  have  you  been  doing  now?  " 

He  was  fired  at,  the  ball  striking  him  on  his  waist- 
coat-pocket, in  which  he  had  a  five-shilling  piece.     The 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  173 

bullet  indented  the  coin,  thus  saving  his  life.  —  Man- 
chester Examiner  and  Times.  Akin  to  :  Another  (bullet) 
hit  the  butt  of  his  carbine  near  the  lock,  thus  saving  his 
life.  —  Scotsman.  It  was  meant  probably  in  these  two 
passages  that  the  coin  and  the  gun-lock  saved  their 
bearers'  lives,  but,  as  the  words  stand,  it  was  the  bullets 
that  did  so. — hodgson,   Errors  hi  the   Use  of  English. 

Visiting  Cards — <*  What's  the  matter,  Jack? 
You  look  broken  up." 

*'I  am.  You  know,  I  came  three  hundred  miles  to 
see  Miss  PTardcastle.  -  Well,  I  called  on  her  last  night, 
and  by  mistake  sent  up  a  pawn-ticket  instead  of  my 
card."  — i^/6. 

Irish  Time  —  Time-keeper:  "Look  here,  Donovan, 
I  can't  understand  how  you  made  seventeen  hours  on 
Thursday.': 

Donovan:  "ShureOi  shtarted  two  hours  before  Oi 
began,  and  Oi  wurrked  all  dinner  toime  whin  Oi  was 
restin',  and  after  Oi  left  off  Oi  wurrked  for  two  hours 
more,  an'  that  makes  me  toime  out." 

He  said  that  the  meeting  to-night  would  be  held  at 
seven  o'clock,  in  the  early  part  of  last  week.  (Italics 
should  follow  "said.") 

Expect  —  It  was  a  son  of  Erin  who  asked  the  meet- 
ing to  excuse  him  from  serving  on  a  committee, 
"because  I  expect  to  be  unexpectedly  called  away." 

His  allusion  to  the  heroic  death  of  the  engineer  in  a 
pathetic  way  brought  many  a  tear.  (Italics  should 
follow  "  allusion.") 


174  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

ToPSY  —  Never  was  born,  only  jist  growed. 

Latest  Style  —  Old  lady  :  "I'd  like  to  git  a  pair 
o'  shoes,  young  man." 

Polite  clerk:  "Yes,  ma'am.  Something  pretty 
nice,  ma'am?" 

"I  want  'em  good'n  stout." 

"Well,  ma'am,  here's  a  strong  shoe,  an  excellent, 
strong  shoe.  It  has  been  worn  a  great  deal  this 
w^inter." 

"Man  alive,  I  don't  want  no  shoe  that's  been  worn 
this  winter  nor  any  other  winter  ;  I  want  a  bran'  new 
pair. " —  Puck. 

Lost  —  A  dog  with  clipped  ears  named  Gyp* 

Judicial  Censure  —  An  Irish  magistrate,  censuring 
some  boys  for  loitering  in  the  streets,  argued,  "If 
everybody  were  to  stand  in  the  street,  how  could  any- 
body get  by  ?  " 

Noiseless  Firini; — "A  hare  in  the  garden  !  Hand 
me  a  gun,  Jacques."  "But,  sir,  it  is  five  in  the  morn- 
ing; everybody  is  asleep."  "Nevermind.  I'll  fire  on 
tiptoe." — Le  Monde  Illustre. 

Mrs.  O'BuU :  "This  is  the  seventh  noight  you've 
come  home  in  the  morning.  The  next  time  you  go  out, 
Misther  O'B.,  you'll  stay  at  home  and  open  the  door  for 
yersilf." 

Not  Well  Worded  —  President  Seelye,  of  Am- 
herst, has  arrived  safely  on  tlie  other  side,  much  to  the 
delight  of  the  college. — Mail  and  J^xpre^s, 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  175 

Laxd  and  Sea  —  The  orator  who  objected  at  the 
State  House  to  a  bill  because  it  would  ''land  us  in  a  sea 
of  doubt,"  is  praiseworthy  for  a  new  and  useful 
Hibernicisra. 

Saved  by  the  Famine  —  An  Irishman,  during  Mr. 
Balfour's  tour  in  tlie  Emerald  Isle,  remarked,  in  a  burst 
of  gratitude  for  the  relief  offered,  "If  it  hadn't  been  for 
the  famine,  we  Avould  all  have  been  starving." 

A  well  placed  mortgage  is  tlie  safest  investment  in 
the  United  States,  next  to  (joverimient  bonds.  (  Italics 
should  follow  "is.") 

Successors  and  Ancestors — When  Slender,  in  the 
Merry  Wives  of  Windsor,  claims  that  his  cousin  Shallow 
is  a  gentleman  born,  and  may  write  himself  armigero^ 
he  adds,  proudly,  "All  his  successors,  gone  after  him, 
have  done't ;  and  all  his  ancestors  that  come  after  him 
may." — thomas  wentworth  higginson,  Ancestors  Who 
Come  After  Us. 

Medical  Men — An  Irish  editor  says  he  can  see  no 
earthly  reason  Avhy  women  should  not  be  allowed  to 
become  medical  men. 

Anglicanism  rallied  from  its  temporary  discomfiture 
tinder  the  guidance  of  men  icho  had  been  High  ChurcJi- 
m,en  before  N'eiuman  came  among  them.  ( Italics  should 
begin  the  sentence.) 

A  Case  of  Mushrooms  —  Here  is  a  good  specimen 
of  the  Taurus  Illbernicus  re[)orted  in  a  country  news- 
paper.    Two  men  were  lately  brought  before  the  local 


176  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

bencli  of  magistrates  charged  with  stealing  muslirooras. 
After  the  case  had  been  heard,  the  chairman  told  the 
})risoners  that  **  there  was  no  doubt  they  stole  the  mush- 
rooms, but  the  Bench  would  give  them  the  benefit  of 
any  doubt  that  might  exist." 

Pretty    PVk    Gonh;  —  Smithers  :     '*  How    old     are 

you?" 

Miss  Randolph  :  "  Oh,  I  don't  tell  my  age  any  more; 
as  old  as  I  look  ?  " 

Smithers,  with  deep  feeling  :    "  No  I  " 

A  Proverbial  Bull — "  Begorry,"  said  Pat,  as  he 
tried  to  stop  the  leak  in  his  roof,  "it's  a  thrue  sayin' 
that  it  niver  pours  but  it  rains." 

Not  So  Poor  —  Two  travelers  journeying  through  a 
stony,  sterile  region  of  Virginia  chanced  to  ride  by  a 
little  cabin.  One  said  to  the  other,  "  I  pity  the  man 
that  lives  hex'e;  he  must  be  very  poor."  Tlie  occupant  of 
the  cabin,  overhearing  the  remark,  came  out  saying, 
"Gentlemen,  I'm  not  so  poor  as  you  think.  I  don't  own 
this  land." 

Three  of  a  Kind  —  Two  Irishmen,  in  crossing  a 
field,  came  in  contact  with  a  jackass,  which  was  making 
"daylight  hideous  "  with  his  unearthly  braying. 

Jemmy  stood  a  moment  in  astonishment,  then,  turn- 
ing to  Pat,  who  was  also  enraptured  with  the  song,  he 
remarked,  "It's  a  fine  ear  the  bird  has  got  for  music, 
but  he's  got  a  wonderful  cowld." 

It  may  2)erhaps  appear  to  some  persons  that  I  give 
too  prominent  a  place  to  Modern  Spiritualism.     1  do  so 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  177 

advisedly,  however. —  rev.  c.  m.  davies,  Yt.vt.^  Hetero- 
dox London.  (The  writer  thus,  contrary  to  his  inten- 
tion, admits  the  excessive  prominence.) 

Artemus  Ward  —  "Oh,  that  I  sliouUl  live  to  see 
myself  a  dead  body!  "  screamed  the   unfortunate  man. — 

ARTEMUS  AVARD. 

A  Coroner's  Inquest  —  A  newspaper,  noticing  a 
death  from  drowning,  says  "that  the  coroner  held  an 
inquest  concerning  the  death  of  Thomas  Shipp,  who  was 
drowned  on  the  following  night." 

A  Distinction  Without  a  Difference  —  An  Irish 
gentleman,  by  way  of  complimenting  the  king,  said 
that  "the  only  difference  he  knew  between  the  pope 
and  his  majesty  was  that  the  first  was  infallible  and  the 
second  could  do  no  wrong." 

People  ceased  to  wonder  h\j  degrees.  —  mrs.  oli- 
phant.  Chronicles  of  Carlingford.  (Italics  should  fol- 
low "  ceased.") 

TYPOGRAriiiCAL  Errors  — In  the  fertile  field  of  typo- 
graphical errors,  says  Mr.  Brander  Matthews,  the  devil's 
work  sometimes  causes  such  curious  facilities  of  style 
that  it  is  hard  to  believe  they  are  unintentional.  It 
seems-  quite  right  for  a  locomotive  to  cut  a  cow  into 
calves,  and  for  Secretary  Richardson  to  intend  resigning 
about  the  middle  of  June.  It  was  during  the  war  that 
a  Western  paper  said  the  army  was  in  want  of  conse- 
crated beef  and  desecrated  vegetables  ;  and  about  the 
same  time  a  gigantic  headline,  "The  British  Lion  Shak- 
ing his  Mane,"  was  spread   before  the  astonished  world 

12 


178  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

as  «'The  British  Lion  Skating  in  Maine."  A  Mobile 
paj)er  said  a  river  steamboat  had  come  to  grief,  owing  to 
running  against  a  rat ;  the  subscribers  wondered  probably 
at  the  unusual  size  of  the  water  rat,  but  felt  relieved 
when  the  next  number  of  the  pa^^er  said  for  ''rat"  read 
"raft."  A  Chicago  paper  said,  "At  the  commence- 
ment of  the  second  scene  the  King  of  Terrors  made  his 
first  appearance,"  which  would  lead  one  to  believe  that 
grisly  Death  had  been  a  visitor  to  the  entertainment ; 
but  upon  examination  it  appears  that  "Terrors"  should 
be  "Tenors." 

Welsh  Ore — Sir  John  Davis,  a  Welshman,  had 
some  office  in  Ireland  during  the  reign  of  James  I.,  to 
whom  he  wrote  the  following  letter:  "Most  Mighty 
Prince,  the  gold  mine  that  w^as  lately  discovered  at 
Ballycurry  turns  out  to  be  a  lead  one." 

Thrown  Off  His  Guard  —  Gentleman,  to  Irish  beg- 
gar pretending  to  be  dumb  :  "  How  many  years  have  you 
been  dumb  ?" 

Beggar:    "Five  years,  your  IFonor." 

Force  of  Hahit  —  Governess:  "Now,  Pauline,  tell 
your  grandmotlier  and  me  how  loufj  it  is  since  Rome  was 
founded." 

Pauline:  "Two  thousand,  six  hundred  and  forty- 
four  years." 

Grandmother,  mechanically  :  "  Dear,  dear,  how  time 
does  fly  !" —  Fliegende  Blaetter, 

We  fail  to  find  any  evidence  of  negligence  bi  the 
testimony  on  the  pai-t  of  tlie  defendant. —  Charge  of 
Court.      (Italics  should  follow  "to  find.") 


BULLS  AND   BLUNDERS.  179 

Telegraphic  —  The  following  telegram,  dispatched 
by  a  cattle-dealer  at  Hanover  to  a  confrere  at  Magdeburg, 
is  rather  curious  :  '<  To-morrow  all  pigs  to  be  at  station. 
I  expect  you  also.  Am  only  coming  to-morrow,  as  train 
takes  no  oxen.  Market  prices  bad.  Look  out,  as  cattle 
is  rising.     If  you  want  oxen,  remember  me." 

Suicide  —  An  Irish  member  of  Parliament,  speaking 
of  suicide,  said,  ''The  only  way  to  stop  it  is  to  make  it 
a  capital  offence,  punishable  with  death." 

Advertisement  on  the  Wall  of  an  English  Cof- 
FEE-HousE — '^  This  coffee-house  removed  upstairs."  A 
Roman  Emperor  used  to  draw  his  stairs  up  after  him 
into  his  bed-chamber,  but  drawing  a  whole  house  up  into 
itself  is  new. — edgeworth. 

An  Historic  Ax  —  Aged  negro  :  "  I  is  gwine  on  er 
hunner  en  ten  years  old." 

Interested  listener:  "Indeed?  Then  probably  you 
can  recollect  as  far  back  as  the  first  acts  of  Congress." 

Aged  negro:  "Yes,  sah;  I  remember  all  'bout  de 
fus'  ax  of  Congress.  I  ot  ter  recollect  it,  because  I  cut 
wood  wid  it." 

Ambiguous  Notice  —  Attached  to  the  electric  bells 
in  the  rooms  of  a  New  England  hotel:  "  Press  the  knob 
if  you  want  the  clerk  five  timesy  (Italics  should  follow 
"knob.") 

Late — "Excuse  me,  madame,  I  am  afraid  I  am  very 
late." 

"  Oh,  my  dear  Herr  von  Fifferl,  you  are  never  too 
late. " — Fliegende  Blaetter. 


180  BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

A  Committee's  Resolution  —  Resolved,  unanimous- 
ly, with  only  one  dissenting  voice.. 

If  this  day  shall  happen  to  be  Sunday  this  form  of 
prayer  shall  he  used,  and  the  fast  kept  the  next  day  fol- 
lowing. (The  italics  may  relate  to  the  clause  preceding 
or  to  the  one  following  them.) 

Mrs.  Partington  —  A  pious  old  lady  happened  in 
at  a  Christian  Endeavor  meeting.  She  was  much  im- 
pressed by  the  young  people's  earnestness,  and  esj^ecially 
pleased  with  the  singing.  She  said,  "  Oh,  I  do  love  to 
hear  'em  sing  !  They  sing  with  such  venom  !  " —  Utica 
Observer. 

In  a  Literal  Sense  — Taking  things  too  literally  is 
a  fertile  source  of  blunders  that  are  sometimes  amusing, 
sometimes  provoking,  and  sometimes  deplorable. 

That  was  a  very  literal  Scotch  subaltern  whom  Colo- 
nel Stuart  tells  of  in  his  "  Reminiscences  of  a  Soldier." 
The  Scotchman  was  one  day  on  guard  at  Gibraltar  with 
another  officer,  who,  falling  down  a  precipice,  was 
killed.  He  made  no  mention  of  the  accident  in  his 
guard-report,  leaving  the  addendum,  "  Nothing  extraor- 
dinary since  guard-mounting,"  standing  without  qualifi- 
cation. Some  hours  after,  the  brigade-general  came  to 
demand  explanation.  **  You  say,  sir,  in  your  report, 
*  Nothing  extraordinary  since  guard-mounting,'  when 
your  brother-officer  fell  down  a  precipice  four  hundred  feet 
and  was  killed."  <' Well,  sir,"  replied  Sandy,  '<I  dinna 
think  there's  anything  extraordinary  in  that.  If  he  had 
faun  doon  a  precipice  four  hundred  feet  high,  and  no 
ben  killed,  I  should  ha  thocht  it  extraordinary,  and  put 
it  doon  in  my  report." 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  181 

These  blunders  -  should  be  genuine  in  order  to  reach 
the  higher  levels  of  humor ;  yet  a  pretense  at  a  literal 
understanding  —  or  misunderstanding  —  is  a  favorite 
form  of  jesting.  Charles  Lamb's  serious  reply  to  a 
gushing  mother  who  asked  him,  '*And  now,  Mr. 
Lamb,  how  do  you  like  children?"  *'B  —  b  —  boiled, 
madam,"  is  a  classic  instance.  Jokes  repeat  themselves, 
like  history,  and  it  was  only  the  other  day,  according  to 
one  of  our  comic  papers,  that  Mr.  Staggers,  learning 
from  his  loving  spouse  that  "we  are  to  have  dear 
mother  for  dinner,"  quickly  replied,  "All  right.  See 
that  she  is  thoroughly  cooked." 

Sheridan  reproving  his  promising  son  Tom  on  the 
irregular  life  he  was  leading,  ended  by  saying,  "My 
dear  Tom,  really  it  is  time  for  you  to  take  a  wife." 
"  With  all  my  heart,"  replied  the  dutiful  son;  "whose 
wife  shall  I  take?" 

Sydney  Smith's  jest  when  advised  by  his  doctor  to 
take  a  walk  upon  an  empty  stomach  belongs  to  the  same 
class:  "Upon  whose?"  he  asked.  And  very  similar, 
too,  is  Leigh  Hunt's.  A  lady  at  dessert  asked  if  he 
would  not  venture  on  an  orange.  "Madam,"  he 
replied,  "  I  should  be  happy  to  do  so,  but  I  am  afraid  I 
should  tumble  off." 

"I  heard  an  anecdote  at  Oxford,"  says  W.  H.  Harri- 
son in  his  reminiscences,  "of  a  proctor  encountering 
on  his  rounds  two  undergraduates  who  were  without 
their  gowns,  or  out  of  bounds,  or  out  of  hours.  He 
challenged  one,  '  Your  name  and  college?  '  Tliey  were 
given.  Turning  to  the  other,  '  And  pray,  sir !  what 
might  your  name  be?'  *  Julius  Csesar,' was  the  reply. 
*What,  sir,  do  you  mean  to  say  your  name  is  Julius 
Caesar?'  'Sir.  you  did  not  ask  me  what  it  is,  but  what 
it  might  be.'  "      walsii,  iMerary  Curiosities. 


182  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

Boarding  —  Board  may  be  had  at  No.  4  Pearl  Street 
for  two  gentlemen  with  gas. 

All    White — The    lawyers   are    unanimously    for 
,  on   the  same  principle  that  the  old  man's  cow 


was  white.      "It  was  all  white,"  he  said,  "except  the 
body  and  head  and   three  legs." — Pemisylvania  Paper. 

Lord  Cockhiirn  —  Lord  Cockburn,  after  a  long 
stroll,  sat  down  on  a  hillside  beside  a  shepherd,  and  ob- 
served that  the  sheep  selected  tlie  coldest  situation  for 
lying  down.  "Mac,"  said  he,  "I  think  if  I  were  a 
sheep  I  should  certainly  have  preferred  the  other  side  of 
that  hill."  The-  shepherd  answered,  '*Ay,  my  lord; 
but  if  ye  had  been  a  sheep  ye  would  have  had  mair 
sense." 

A  Ridiculous  Blunder. — A  Pittsburgh  paper,  re- 
ferring to  legislation  vetoed  by  the  governor,  said, 
"The  Legislature  pasted  (passed)  the  bill  over  the 
governor's  head." 

Blundering  Counsel  —  In  Massachusetts,  in  a  very 
recent  case,  the  Court  said,  "  The  question,  which  has 
been  so  ably  and  exhaustively  argued  by  the  counsel  on 
each  side,  is  one  which  cannot  properly  arise  in  this 
case."  —  Snjyreyne  Court. 

Bigamy — Judge,  to  ofticer:  "What  is  this  man 
charged  with?" 

"Bigotry,  yer  honor." 

"Bigotry?     Why,  what's  he  been  doing? " 

"Married  three  women,  yer  honor." 

"Three  !     That's  not  bigotry;  that's  trigonometry." 


BULLS  AND   BLUNDERS.  '  183 

A  Logical  Fallacy  — 
A  good  man  imitates  a  good  example. 
The  counterfeiter  imitates  a  good  example. 
Therefore,  the  counterfeiter  is  a  good  man. 

A  mad  dog  was  killed  after  several  children  had 
been  bitten  by  the  policeman,  (Italics  should  follow 
**  killed.") 

Postscript  —  George  Selwyn  once  declared  in  com- 
pany that  a  lady  could  not  write  a  letter  without  adding 
a  postscript.  A  lady  present  replied,  "The  next  letter 
that  you  receive  from'  me,  Mr.  Selwyn,  will  prove  that 
you  are  wrong."  Accordingly  he  received  one  from  her 
the  next  day,  in  which,  after  her  signature,  was  the  fol- 
lowing :   "  P.  S.     Who  is  right  now,  you  or  I  ?  " 

Lying—  A  dull  old  lady,  being  told  that  a  certain 
lawyer  was  lying  at  the  point  of  death,  exclaimed,  "My 
gracious !  won't  even  death  stop  that  man's  lying  ?  " 

A  Railroad  Accident  —  A  railroad  accident  oc- 
curred in  Ohio.  An  east-bound  train  side-tracked  at  a 
station  to  await  the  arrival  of  a  west-bound  train. 
Some  of  the  passengers  got  out  to  walk  up  and  down 
the  track.  One  of  them,  hard  of  hearing,  failing  to 
notice  the  approaching  west-bound  train,  was  instantly 
killed.  An  Irish  track  hand,  working  near  by,  looking 
at  the  corpse,  remarked,  "Faith,  an'  it'll  tache  him  a 
lesson  not  to  walk  on  the  thrack  agin." 

Metal  Window  Sashes  —  An  advertisement  in  an 
Irish  paper,  setting  forth  the  many  conveniences  and  ad- 
vantages to  be  derived  from  metal  window  sashes,  among 


184  .  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

otlier  particulars  observed  "that  tliese  sashes  would  last 
forever;  and  afterwards,  if  the  owner  had  no  use  for 
them,  they  might  be  sold  for  old  iron." 

He  is  like  a  beast  of  prey  that  is  void  of  compassion. 
(Italics  should  follow  "He.") 

Before — "What  do  you  mean,  sir,  by  swearing 
before  my  wife?     You  must  apologize." 

"Pardon,  Monsieur,  Pardon  !  I  do  make  ze  apolo- 
gy.    I  did  not  know  ze  lady  wish  to  swear  ze^rs^." 

Omissions  —  An  Irish  editor,  reviewing  a  new  school 
book,  says,  "The  work  is  chock  full  of  omissions." 

When  a  dog  belonging  to  a  poor  family  once  falls 
into  the  hands  of  the  dog  catcher,  it  is  all  up  with  him. 
(The  dog  or  the  catcher  ?) 

Advertisement  —  Lost  or  stolen  near  Tipperary,  on 
or  about  Tuesday  morning  last,  a  large  pig.  Had  no 
marks  on  his  ears  except  a  short  tail,  and  a  slight  limp 
in  one  leg.     Reward  at  office  of  this  paper.     W.  T. 

Mr.  Amner's  Gem  —  As  Mr.  Amner  was  going- 
through  a  street  in  Windsor,  two  boys  looked  out  of  an 
ui)per  window,  and  cried,  "There  goes  Mr.  Amner, 
that  makes  so  many  bulls."  Hearing  them,  he  looked 
up,  and  said,  "You  rascals,  I  know  you  well  enougli, 
and  if  I  had  you  here,  I'd  kick  you  downstairs." 

German  Oratory — It  was  a  German  orator,  who, 
warming  with  his  subject,  exclaimed,  "There is  no  man 
or  child  in  this  vast  assembly  who  has  arrived  at  the  age 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  185 

of  fifty  years,  but  has  not  felt  the  truth  of  this  mighty 
subject  thundering  through  his  mind  for  centuries." 

Business  in  the  markets  for  public  securities  was 
again  inactive,  but  the  transactions  consisted  mostly  of 
2)urchases,  and  the  tendency,  on  the  whole,  was  favora- 
ble.— Money  Market.  (How  could  there  be  purchases 
without  sales?) 

Refusing  to  Answer  —  When  a  lady,  giving  evi- 
dence in  a  Kansas  Court,  refused  to  answer  a  question 
on  the  plea  that  it  was  not  fit  to  tell  decent  peo])le,  her 
questioner  blandly  said,  "  Well,  then,  step  up  and  whis- 
per it  to  the  Judge." 

An  Irish  Mix  —  A  domestic,  newly  engaged,  pre- 
sented to  his  master,  one  morning,  a  pair  of  boots,  the 
leg  of  one  of  which  was  much  longer  than  the  other. 

"How  comes  it  that  these  boots  are  not  of  the  same 
length?" 

'^I  raly  don't  know,  sir;  but  what  bothers  me  the 
most  is  that  the  pair  downstairs  are  in  the  same  fix." 

A  Bridge  Sign  —  Over  a  bridge  at  Atliens,  Ga.,  is 
the  following:  "Any  person  driving  over  this  bridge  at 
a  pace  faster  than  a  walk  shall,  if  a  white  man,  be  fined 
five  dollars,  and,  if  a  negro,  receive  twenty-five  lashes, 
half  the  penalty  to  he  bestowed  on  the  informer.'''' 

French  Bulls  —  A  copious  and  amusing  book  might 
be  made  by  collecting  the  bulls  and  blunders  of  all 
nations. 

Of  the  French  bulls  there  are  few  better  than  the 
following:  A  Gascon   nobleman  had  been  reproaching 


186  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

his  son  with  ingratitude.  *' I  owe  you  nothing,"  said 
the  unfilial  young  man  ;  "so  far  from  having  served  me 
you  have  always  stood  in  my  way  ;  for  if  you  had  never 
been  born,  I  should  at  this  moment  be  the  next  heir  of 
my  rich  grandfather." 

Worthy  of  a  place  by  the  side  of  this  Gallic  Hiberni- 
cism  is  the  niaiserie  of  Captain  Baudin,  the  Commander 
of  a  French  expedition  of  discovery.  On  opening  a  box 
of  magnetic  needles,  they  were  found  to  be  much  rusted, 
which  sensibly  impaired  their  utility.  "What  else  can 
you  expect  ?"  exclaimed  the  irritated  captain  ;  "all  the 
articles  provided  by  government  are  shabby  beyond  de- 
scription. Had  they  acted  as  I  could  have  wished,  they 
would  have  given  us  silver  instead  of  steel  needles." 
—  Thi  Trumpet. 

Rev.  Plink  Plunk  on  Ignorance  —  De  ignorant 
man  dat  prevents  his  children  from  gittin'  an  education, 
so's*to  keep  dem  happy,  am  a  bigger  fool  dan  de  wisest 
man  dat  eber  lived. 

Dr.  Johnson —  "  Why,  sir,  one  link  cannot  clank," 
said  Dr.  Johnson,  wlien  called  on  to  admire  the  phrase, 
*'Not  one  link  of  the  chain  that  England  has  wound 
around  us  shall  be  left  to  clank  upon  our  limbs." 

An  Art  Gallery  —  An  Irish  gentleman,  having  a 
very  small  picture  room  which  a  group  of  persons  was 
entering,  exclaimed,  "Faith,  gentlemen,  if  you  all  go 
in,  it  will  not  hold  you." 

Chandelier — *'Well,  neighbor  Slummidge,  how 
much  shall  I  put  you  down  for  to  get  a  chandelier  for 
the  church?  " 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  187 

Neighbor  S. :  ''Shoo  !  what  we  want  to  git  a  chan- 
delier for  ?  The'  haint  nobody  kin  play  on  it  when  we 
do  git  it." 

A  Loud  Explosion  —  An  Irishman,  regaling  a  crowd 
with  some  startling  experiences,  referred  to  an  explosion 
he  had  witnessed,  the  noise  of  which  was  "  that  loud  it 
made  me  so  dafe  Oi  cudn't  hear  it." 

The  quality  of  the  sugar  m  his  opinion  is  equal  to 
last  year's  product.      (Italics  should  begin  the  sentence.) 

Mrs.  Malaprop — Washington  society,  like  every 
other  society,  has  its  Mrs.  Malaprop.  To  the  daughters 
of  one  of  our  most  distinguished  diplomats  she  is  re- 
ported to  have  said,  "I  am  so  glad  to  meet  you.  I 
have  been  hearing  you  spoken  of  so  much  as  the  pretty 
Miss  Legation,  the  clever  Miss  Legation.  Do  tell  me 
which  of  you  is  the  pretty  one  and  which  the  clever 
one." 

Again,  to  a  famous  army  officer  and  his  wife,  who 
were  telling  her  how  much  they  had  enjoyed  her  dinner- 
party, she  cheerily  said,  "I  thought  you  would  like  to 
meet  some  nice  people." 

Perhaps  Mrs.  Malaprop's  most  famous  speech  is  of  as 
late  date  as  last  spring,  just  before  she  went  abroad. 
Coming  down  to  greet  a  morning  caller  in  her  wrapper, 
Mrs.  Malaprop  said,  sweetly,  "  You  really  must  excuse 
me  for  coming  down  in  my  nom  de  plume,  but  I  have 
been  busy  packing  all  the  morning." 

Obituary  Notice — ''Will  you  please  insert  this 
obituary  notice?"  writes  a  correspondent  to  the  editor 
of  a  leading  daily  paper.      "  I  request  it  because  I  know 


188  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

the  deceased  had  many  friends  who'd  be  glad  to  hear  of 
his  death." 

Without  Bread — Servant:  "Please  sir,  you  aint 
got  no  bread  and  the  baker  says  he  won't  trust  you  any 
longer. " 

Irate  Hibernian:  "  Och,  the  mane  baste.  No  bread! 
Bedad,  then,  I  must  have  toast.'* 

An  Ambiguous  Notice  —  This  ambiguous  notice 
adorns  a  ladies' cabin  in  a  Hoboken  ferry-boat  :  "These 
seats  are  for  ladies.  Gentlemen  will  not  occupy  them 
until  the  ladies  are  seated." 

An  Irish  Postscript  —  I  would  have  written  this 
letter  better  if  I'd  had  time  to  take  a  copy  of  it  before 
I  wrote  it. 

The  Professional  Outlook — "How  is  your  hus- 
band this  afternoon,  Mrs.  Swiggs?" 

"Why,  the  doctor  says  as  how  as  if  he  lives  till  the. 
mornin'  he  shall  have  some  hopes  of  him;  but  if  he  don't, 
he  must  give  him  up." 

Wanted  a  Rest — "There  is  not  a  minute  in  the 
day  that  I  can  have  a  quiet  half-hour  to  myself,"  ex- 
claimed an  old  lady  much  annoyed  with  visitors. 

Misplaced  Words  —  The  position  of  the  adverb 
should  be  as  near  as  possible  to  the  word  it  qualifies. 
Sometimes  we  place  it  before  the  auxiliary  and  some- 
times after  it,  according  to  the  thought  we  wish  to 
express.  The  difference  between  "The  fish  should  prop- 
erly  be   broiled"    and    "The   fish    should   ho  properly 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  189 

broiled"  is  apparent  at  a  glance. — Alfred  ayres,  The 
Verbalist. 

Cant  —  Cant  is  always  offensive,  but  especially  re- 
ligious cant.  This  offends  more  than  the  taste,  for  it 
shocks  the  religious  sensibility  and  the  sense  of  true 
veneration.  Sometimes  a  preacher  may  be  found  who, 
instead  of  bringing  cant  into  common  life,  introduces 
slang  into. the  sacred  desk,  as,  "The  question  of  the 
day,  my  brethren,  is  not  '  How  are  your  poor  feet  ? '  but 
'  How  are  your  poor  souls  ?  '  " —  james  de  mille,  Ele- 
ments of  Rhetoric. 

Anti- Climax  —  Anti-climax,  in  fine  opposition  to 
climax,  may  be  defined,  *'a  ladder  to  get  down  by." 
Lord  Rochester,  meeting  a  bishop  in  the  antechamber 
of  Charles  II.,  said,  bowing  low,  ironically,  "I  am 
yours,  my  Lord  Bishop,  to  my  shoe-ties."  "I  am 
yours,"  said  the  Bishop,  "to  the  ground."  Rochester 
continued,  "I  am  yours  to  the  centre."  Rejoined  the 
Bishop,  "I  am  yours  to  the  antipodes."  Vexed  at  his 
defeat  by  a  clergyman  and  a  man  of  piety,  Rochester 
cried,  "I  am  yours  to  the  lowest  pit  of  destruction." 
"There,"  finished  the  divine,  "there,  my  lord,  I  leave 
you." — MACBETH,  Might  and  Mirth  of  Literature. 

Equivocation  —  The  paranomasia,  or  pun,  is  the 
sophism  of  equivocation.  Here  is  a  time-honored  ex- 
ample: "Two  men  ate  oysters  for  a  wager;  one  ate 
ninety-nine,  but  the  other  ate  two  more,  for  he  ate  a 
hundred  and  won."  This  affords  occasion  for  the 
general  observation  that  jests  are  usually  mock  logic, 
and  often  in  absurd  form  let  fly  a  sharp  dart  of  truth. 
The   bull  is  a  palpable  self-contradiction,   generally  an 


190  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

unconscious  blunder,  but,  sometimes  on  purpose;  as, 
*'Doyou  believe  in  ghosts?  No,  indeed,  I've  seen  too 
many  of  them  ; "  or,  as,  when  my  wife  said  to  me,  **  I 
hope  I  shall  not  live  to  see  you  a  frisky  widower," 
—  DAVIS,  Elements  of  Deductive  Logic. 

Mixed  Metaphors  —  It  was  a  colored  minister  who 
said,  "  Brethern,  the  muddy  pool  of  politics  was  the  rock 
on  which  I  split;"  and  another,  "Give  us  grace  that 
we  may  gird  up  the  loins  of  our  mind  so  that  we  shall 
receive  the  latter  rain." 

The  poor  despise  the  purse-proud  man  not  one  whit 
less  than  the  well-born  and  well-educated. —  rathbone. 
Social  Duties.      ('<  Do  "  should  follow  "than."  ) 

A  Successful  Toast  — The  evening  was  advanced 
when  a  venerable  squire  of  ancient  name  and  lineage 
arose  to  propose  a  toast.  Seldom  have  I  heard  one  more 
successful.     He  began  modestly: 

"I  feel,"  said  the  good  man,  "that  for  a  j^lain, 
country  squire  like  myself  to  address  a  dignified  body 
like  the  Presbytery  of  St.  Andrews,  including  in  its 
numbers  various  learned  professors,  is  indeed  to  cast 
pearls  before  swine." 

He  had  to  pause  long  ere  he  got  further.  Thunder- 
ous applause  broke  forth.  The  swine  cheered  as  if  they 
would  never  leave  off.  We  all  knew  perfectly  what 
the  laird  meant. —  Stories  of  St.  Andrews. 

Humbugs — "So  you  prefer  my  medicines  to  those  of 
Dr.  Pillsbury?  " 

Mrs.  Mulligan:  "  Och,  indade,  docthor  dear,  ye're  a 
dale  better  than  th'  other  ould  humbug .  " 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  191 

Coffin  —  A  coffin,  said  an  Irishman,  is  the  house  a 
man  lives  in  when  he's  dead. 

Confusion  of  Thought  —  The  serene  aspect  of  these 
writers,  joined  with  the  great  encouragement  I  observe 
is  given  to  another,  or  what  is  intended  to  be  suspected, 
in  which  he  indulges  himself,  confirmed  me  in  the  notion 
I  have  of  the  prevalence  of  ambition  this  way. 

Mr.  Steinitz  will  simultaneously  play  twelve  members 
of  the  Manhattan  Chess  Club  blindfolded.  —  New  York 
Paper.  (To  what  does  "blindfolded"  refer — to  the 
Club,  its  twelve  members,  or  to  Mr   Steinitz?) 

A  Democratic  Report  —  It  was  in  the  New  York 
WorlcVs  report  of  a  political  meeting  that  the  word 
"shouts"  was  so  ludicrously  misprinted  as  to  make  the 
blunder  famous.  "The  snouts  of  ten  thousand  Demo- 
crats rent  the  air,"  read  the  report. 

A  Scotch  Beggar  —  A  Scotch  beggar  applied  for 
alms  at  the  door  of  a  partisan  of  the  Anti-Begging  So- 
ciety. After  detailing  his  sorrows,  the  gentleman  per- 
emptorily dismissed  him.  "Go  away,  we  canna  gie  ye 
naething."  "You  might,  at  least,"  replied  the  mendi- 
cant, with  an  air  of  dignity,  "have  refused  me  gram- 
matically." 

The  Irish  of  It  —  Nealy,  from  below:  "Mike!" 
Ducey,  from  above:  "Phwat?"  Nealy:  "Have  yez  a 
bit  of  sthring?  Th'  cover's  aff  yure  dinner  pail,  an'  a 
dog  might  ate  yure  grub."  Ducey:  "G'lang  an' doan' 
be  axin'  favors  o'  me  phin  yez  refused  me  a  bit  o'  to- 
backy  an  hour  agone." — Judge. 


192  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

A  Tangled  Opening  —  A  minister  once  prefaced  his 

sermon  with,  "My  friends,  let  us  say  a  few  words  be- 
fore we  begin."  This  is  like  the  man  who  took  a  short 
nap  before  he  went  to  sleep. 

Persons  must  detest  traitors  loho  possess  any  love  of 
country.     (Italics  should  follow  "persons.") 

Punctuation  — 
I  saw  a  peacock  with  a  fiery  tail 
I  saw  a  blazing  comet  pour  down  hail 
I  saw  a  cloud  all  wrapt  with  ivy  round 
I  saw  a  lofty  oak  creep  on  the  ground 
I  saw  a  beetle  swallow  up  a  whale 
I  saw  a  foaming  sea  brimful  of  ale 
I  saw  a  pewter  cup  sixteen  feet  deep 
I  saw  a  well  full  of  men's  tears  that  weep 
I  saw  wet  eyes  in  flames  of  living  fire 
I  saw  a  house  as  high  as  the  moon  and  higher 
I  saw  the  glorious  sun  at  deep  midnight 
I  saw  the  man  who  saw  this  wondrous  sight 
I  saw  a  pack  of  cards  gnawing  a  bone 
I  saw  a  dog  seated  on  Britain's  throne 
I  saw  King  George  shut  up  within  a  box 
I  saw  an  orange  driving  a  fat  ox 
I  saw  a  butcher  not  a  twelvemonth  old 
I  saw  a  great-coat  all  of  solid  gold 
I  saw  two  buttons  telling  of  their  dreams 
I  saw  my  friends  who  wished  I'd  quit  these  themes. 
A   semi-colon  placed    after    the  first   noun    in  each 

line,  except  the  twelfth  and  the  last,  will  remove  the 

absurdities. 

Useful  Studies  —  A  school  teacher  near  Dawson, 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  193 

Ga. ,  having  instructed  a  pupil  to  purchase  a  grammar, 
the  next  day  received  a  note  from  the  child's  mother, 
"  1  do  not  desire  for  Lulu  shall  ingage  in  grammar  as  i 
prefer  her  ingage  in  yuseful  studies  and  can  learn  her 
how  to  spoke  and  write  properly  myself.  I  have  went 
through  tw^o  grammars  and  can't  say  as  they  did  me  no 
good.  I  prefer  her  ingage  in  german  and  drawing  and 
vokal  music  on  the  piano." 

Speechless  —  It  was  an  Irishman  who  said,  in  re- 
sponse to  an  inquiry,  "Sick  is  it!  Sick!  Faith  and  I 
laid  spachless  sivin  long  wrecks  in  the  month  of  August, 
and  did  nothin'  but  cry  'wather,  w-ather,'  all  the  time." 

A  Minor  Light  of  the  Irish  Bench  —  A  wife  had 
suffered  untold  cruelties  at  the  hands  of  a  barbarous 
husband,  and  in  self-defence  she  "  took  the  law  of  him  ;" 
but  just  before  the  trial  she  relented,  and  told  the  judge 
she  wished  to  leave  the  punishment  and  the  case  to  God. 
"  I  regret,  my  good  woman,"  replied  the  great  official, 
"  that  we  cannot  do  that ;  the  case  is  far  too  important." 

A  Butcher's  Sign — Over  .the  shop  door  of  a  pork 
butcher  in  a  village  in  the  Eastern  counties  may  be  seen 
a  signboard  representing  a  man  in  a  black  coat,  brandish- 
ing a  hatchet,  with  the  inscription,  "John  Smith  kills 
pigs  like  his  father." 

We  complimented  them  upon  discussing  matters 
which  were  in  some  countries  found  irritating  m  so  calm 
away Times.     (Italics  should  follow  "discussing.") 

Of  Course  —  Highly  educated  Teuton,  who  knows 
everything  :   "  Der  fault  I  haf  to  find  mit  der  English  is 

13 


194  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

dot  it  has  not  dot  perspikooity  dot  der  Tcherman  has. 
Now,  for  oxample,  in  der  English  you  say  ^  science. '=. 
Dot  conveys  no  idea.  In  Tcherman  we  haf  der  simple 
vord,  '  Wissenshaftlichen,'  vich  is  melodious  unt  com- 
prehensif.  It  is  der  same  mit  your  papers.  You  haf  a 
'  Real  Estate  Journal.'  Dot  is  three  words.  In  Tcher- 
man we  say,  'Grundeigenthumszeitung,'  in  one.  It  is 
more  flexible.  In  your  theaters  you  haf  a  paper  called 
der  'Entr'acte.'  We  call  such  a  paper,  '  Theaterzwishen- 
aktszeitiing.'  It  is  more  beautiful.  English  is  a  veak 
langk witch  ;  unt  pesides,  Tchermans  speak  it  unt  write 
it  better  as  der  English."  —  Boston  Gazette. 

Savings  Bank  —  An  Irishman  describes  a  savings 
bank  as  a  place  where  you  can  deposit  money  to-day  and 
draw  it  out  to-morrow  by  giving  a  week's  notice. 

A  Social  Event  —  The  Brooklyn  Eagle  speaks  of  a 
social  event  where  the  house  was  "  brilliantly  lighted 
from  basement  to  cellar." 

Drowned  —  Paid  to  a  woman  whose  husband  was 
drowned  by  order  of  the  vestry  under  London  Bridge, 
£1,  Is. —  Books  of  an  Overseer  of  a  London  Yestry. 

Living  after  Death  —  A  newspaper,  referring  to 
an  accident,  says,  ''The  man  that  was  killed  lived  nine 
days  afterwards." 

Quite  English  —  Stablekeeper :  "  By-the-way,  shall 
I  put  in  an  extra  buffalo  ?  " 

English  Blood  :  "  Couldn't  you  let  me  'ave  an  'orse, 
you  know  ?  Er-er  rather  not  drive  a  buffalo  first  time, 
you  know." 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  195 

A  Galway  Tipstaff  —  A  Galway  tipstaff  being 
questioned  as  to  whether  he  had  spoken  to  the  jury  dur- 
ing the  night  replied,  *'No,  my  lord.  They  kept  call- 
ing out  for  me  to  bring  them  whiskey,  but  I  always 
said,  'Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  it  is  my- duty  to  tell  you 
that  I'm  sworn  not  to  spake  to  you.'  " 

Billings  on  Blunders  —  Thare  iz  nothing  that  yu 
and  I  make  so  menny  blunders  about,  and  the  world  so 
few,  az  the  aktual  amount  ov  our  importance. — Josh 
Billings. 

This  affords  just  grounds  to  the  other  colleges  for 
indignation. —  Boston  Gazette.  (Italics  should  begin 
the  sentence.) 

A  Secretary's  Blunder  —  A  certain  laird,  employ- 
ing a  secretary,  made  an  appointment  with  a  neighbor 
to  go  hunting  the  next  day,  but  changed  his  mind.  He 
requested  the  secretary  to  write  to  his  friend  that  he 
could  not  keep  the  engagement;  but  if  he  would  come, 
the  gamekeeper,  with  the  dogs,  would  go  with  him  to 
the  moors.     The  secretary  wrote: 

''My  Dear  Sir  :  I  am  happy  to  inform  you  that  the 
laird  does  not  mean  to  shoot  himself  to-morrow;  but  he 
says  if  you  come,  the  gamekeeper  will  accompany  you 
and  the  rest  of  the  dogs  to  the  hill." 

A  Compliment  —  A  compliment,  whose  apparent 
signification  is  exactly  the  reverse  of  what  the  speaker 
wishes  to  convey,  is  well  illustrated  by  the  colonel, 
who,  taking  his  leave  at  a  garden  party,  inquires, 
"Have  I  had  the  pleasure  of  saying  good-bye  to  you, 
Miss  Mary?" 


196  BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

Habeas  Corpus  —  Sir  Boyle  Roche,  arguing  for  the 
Habeas  Corpus  Suspension  Bill  in  Ireland  :  "It  would 
surely  be  better,  Mr.  Speaker,  to  give  up  not  only  2,' part ^ 
but,  if  necessary,  even  the  whole  of  our  Constitution,  to 
preserve  the  remainder !''' 

An  Amateur  Performance — ''Yes,"  said  Mrs. 
Partington,  as  the  ladies  at  the  sewing  meeting  were 
counting  their  resources,  "and  then  the  young  people 
will  give  one  of  their  immature  performances.  That 
will  help  a  great  deal." 

Ice-Cream — "Mike,  an'  it's  yourself  that  can  tell 
me  how  they  make  ice  cream?"  "In  truth,  I  can; 
don't  they  hahe  them  in  coiold  ovens,  to  be  sure." 

Argument  of  Counsel  —  The  court  could  not  inject 
the  administrator  and  fund  backward  into  the  teeth  of 
the  dead  writ. —  Barnes  v.  Hays. 

Newspaper  Bulls  —  The  first  on  our  list  is  taken 
from  an  Irish  paper,  and  is  in  the  form  of  an  advertise- 
ment for  a  laborer  and  a  boy,  and  concludes  thus : 
"With  grazing  for  two  goats  ;  both  Protestants."  An 
Irishman,  writing  on  the  late  Baron  Dowse,  concluded 
his  eulogium,  "A  great  Irishman  has  passed  away. 
God  grant  that  many  as  great,  and  who  shall  as  wisely 
love  their  country,  may  follow  him."  A  Dublin  paper 
heard  that  "  The  health  of  Mr.  Parnell  has  lately  taken 
a  very  serious  turn,  and  fears  of  his  recovery  are 
entertained."  Several  English  papers  quoted  this  with- 
out detecting  the  bull.  A  Cork  paper,  in  descril:)ing  an 
interval  of  peace  in  a  stormy  public  meeting,  said,  "For 
some  time  a  great  calm  raged." 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  197 

Nayther — Mr.  Hogan,  after  hammering  on  the 
door  for  five  minutes :  "Is  it  dead  or  alive  ye  are?" 
Mr.  Grogan,  withip:     "Nayther;  I'm  shlapin." 

Emphasis  —  It  is  curious  to  observe  how  many  and 
various  may  be  the  meanings  attributable  to  the  same 
sentence  according  as  emphasis  is  thrown  upon  one 
word  or  another.  Thus  the  sentence,  "The  study  of 
Logic  is  not  supposed  to  communicate  a  knowledge  of 
many  useful  facts,"  may  be  made  to  imply  that  the  study 
of  Logic  does  communicate  such  a  knowledge  although 
it  is  not  supposed  to  do  so;  or  that  it  communicates  a 
knowledge  of  a,  few  useful  facts;  or  that  it  communicates 
a  knowledge  of  many  useless  facts, — jevons.  Logic, 

Not  a  Laughing  Matter  — "It  did  not  surprise  me 
much,"  said  the  Frenchman,  "to  find  somebody  laugh- 
ing at  my  efforts  in  the  way  of  English.  But  when  one 
of  the  Americans  comes  out  of  the  school  to  say  '  Bone 
jower,  monsoor;  commint  voos  portis  voos?'  I  cannot 
laugh;  I  weep." —  Washington  Post, 

A  Lecture  Item — "You've  broken  that  lecture  item 
nicely,"  said  the  editor  to  the  foreman. 

"How  so?" 

"You've  cut  off  all  the  names  of  those  present  but 
two,  and  made  me  say,  'Scattered  through  the  hall 
were  J.  Bronson  Smithers  and  Mrs.  Smithers  ! ' " — PueJc, 

His  life  has  ended  in  a  sad  mistake  which  began  with 
such  bright  prospects,      (Italics  should  follow  "life.") 

Notice — On  an  Irish  church  door:  This  is  to  give 
notice  that  no  person  is  to  be  buried  in  this  churchyard 


198  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

but  those  living  in  the  parish.  Those  who  wish  to  be 
buried  are  desired  to  apply  to  me,  Ephraim  Grubb, 
Parish  Clerk. 

Clerical  Mixture  —  A  clergyman  once  musing  on 
our  common  mortality  gave  vent  to  his  feelings  in  the 
remarkable  apothegm,    "  We're  here    away  and  to-day 


Latin  Maxims — A  late  venerable  practitioner,  who 
wanted  to  write  a  book,  and  was  recommended  to  try 
his  hand  at  a  translation  of  Latin  law  maxims  as  a  thing 
much  wanted,  translated  messis  sequitur  sementem,  with 
'  a  fine  simplicity,  into  "the  harvest  follows  the  seed- 
time;" and  actor  sequitur  forum  rei  he  made,  "the 
agent  must  be  in  court  when  the  case  is  going  on."  — 
HEARD,   Oddities  of  the  Law. 

Flock  —  A  Detroit  paper  speaks  of  a  "flock  of 
hogs."  That  may  be  "English  as  she  is  spoke,"  but  to 
illustrate  the  fact  it  ought  to  hold  up  to  view  a  drove  of 
hens,  a  pack  of  cows,  and  a  herd  of  sheep. 

Museum  Freaks  —  A  Southern  hotel  advertises 
among  its  attractions  a  "  parlor  for  ladies  thirty-five  feet 
wide." 

Criticism  —  Criticism  very  often  consists  in  measur- 
ing the  learning  and  the  wisdom  of  others,  either  by  our 
own  ignorance  or  by  our  little  technical  and  pedantic  par- 
tialities and  prejudices.  Every  one  has  heard  of  the 
mathematician  who  objected  to  Shakespeare  that  his 
works  proved  nothing.  Equally  luminous  was  the 
remark  of   the  lawyer    who,   happening    to   catch   the 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  199 

words,  "a  deed  without  a  name," — uttered  by  the 
witches  in  Macbeth  —  repeated,  "a  deed  without  a  name 
—  why,  'tis  void." — Tin   Trumpet. 

Liquidated  Debt  —  A  debt  is  liquidated  when 
it  is  certain  what  is  due  and  how  much  is  due. — BlacFs 
Law  Dictionary. 

A  New  Operation  —  A  Yorkshire  vicar  received 
the  following  note  from  one  of  his  parishioners: 

"This  is  to  give  you  notis  that  I  and  Miss  Jemima 
Arabella  Brearly  is  coming  to  your  church  on  Saturday 
afternoon  nex,  to  undergo  the  operation  of  matrimony 
at  your  hands.  Pleas  be  promp,  as  the  cab  is  hired  by 
the  hour." 

The  Bishop's  Sermon —  Customer:  "What  did  you 
think  of  the  bishop's  sermon  on  Sunday,  Mr.  Wigsby?" 

Ilair-dresser  :  "Well,  really,  sir,  there  was  a  gent 
a-settin'  in  front  of  me  as  'ad  his  'air  parted  that  crooked 
that  I  couldn't  'ear  a  word." 

The  modern  Oxford  reformer  is  apt  to  be  a  democrat 
in  kid  gloves  ;  he  propounds  revolutionary  sentiments 
sufficient  to  make  a  bishoj^'s  hair  bristle  on  his  head  in  a 
subdued  and  ladylike  voice. — Sketches  of  Cambridge. 
(Italics  should  follow  "propounds.") 

Autographs — Daniel  O'Connell,  the  Irish  orator, 
was  applied  to  by  a  friend  for  his  autograph  ;  to  which 
he  replied: 

"Sir,  I  never  send  autographs. 
Yours, 

Daniel  O'Connell." 


200  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

Announcement  by  an  Irish  Trader  —  These  goods 
will  be  sold  at  oxyon. 


Clear  the  Court  —  An  Irish  crier  at  Ballinasloe, 
being  ordered  to  clear  the  court,  did  so  by  this  announce- 
ment, ''Now,  then,  all  ye  blackguards  that  isii^t  lawyers 
must  lave  the  coort." 

Posthumous  —  Posthumous  works,  said  an  Irishman, 
are  those  which  a  man  writes  after  he  is  dead. 

We  see  the  utility  of  the  invention  at  once.  (Italics 
should  follow  *'see.") 

For  Life  —  Little  Bobby's  mother,  who  believes  in 
cautioning  her  children  against  the  consequences  of  fool- 
ish acts,  had  often  said  to  him,  "  If  you  get  before  the 
train,  or  fall  into  the  water,  you  may  be  killed;  and 
when  one  is  dead  it  is  for  a  long  time." 

One  day  Bobby,  while  walking  with  his  uncle,  took 
pains  to  keep  at  a  safe  distance  from  the  shore  of  the 
river.  "If  I  should  fall  m  I  should  be  drowned,"  he 
exclaimed;  "and  when  you're  drowned,  you're  dead; 
and  when  you're  dead,  it's  for  life!" — YoutKs  Com- 
panion, 

Fatally  Wounded  —  Sym23athetic  citizen:  "Is  he 
fatally  wounded,  do  you  think,  officer?  " 

Officer:  "Two  av  the  wounds  is  fatal,  sor,  but 
the  third  is  not,  an'  if  we  can  lave  him  rest  quiet  for  a 
f while,  I  think  he  wud  come  around  all  rigjht." 


To  Rent  —  A  cottage  containing  eight  rooms  and  an 
acre  of  land. 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  201 

By  Sea  and  Land  —  An  Irishman,  relating  the  dan- 
gers and  difficulties  he  had  undergone  by  sea  and  land, 
said,  with  great  seriousness,  ''  I  believe  I  have  suf- 
fered everything  that  man  fears  but  death;  and  I  expect, 
if  I  live,  to  suffer  that  also." 

A  Greek  was  not  more  unlike  a  Frenchman  than  the 
theatres  of  the  two  nations. —  g.  ticknor.  Life  of  G.  T. 
('<  Were  unlike  one  another"  should  follow  "nations.") 

Something  She  Did  Need  —  Lady  of  the  house, 
sharply:   "  No,  sir,  I  don't  need  no  soaps." 

Peddler,  suavely,  opening  another  valise:  "  '  Ele- 
ments of  Grammar,'  ma'am?  Only  fifteen  cents." — 
Chicago  Tribune. 

A  Bad  Accident — "Yes,"  said  Mrs.  O'Halloran, 
"Patsy  met  wid  a  bad  accident,  sure  enough.  How 
was  it  afther  happenin'?  ye  ask.  It  was  loike  this.  He 
was  wurrukin',  as  ye  know,  on  the  new  sewer,  an'  wa'n't 
payin'  much  attention  to  things,  an'  so  happened  to  have 
his  pick  u])  in  the  air  when  the  six  o'clock  whistle 
blowed,  an'  of  course  he  lets  go  av  it  an'  looks  fer  his 
coat,  an'  the  pick  comes  down  on  his  fut.  Be  gob,  it'll 
not  happen  so  agin,  for  he  swears  he'll  not  sthrike  a  lick 
wid  the  pick  afther  a  qua-r-r-ter  past  foive.  " 

A  Boiler  Explosion  —  An  Irish  paper  announces 
that  at  a  recent  boiler  explosion  between  three  and  four 
men  were  injured. 

Grammatical  Accuracy  —  With  regard  to  grammar 
as  a  technical  study,  Prof.  Hill  is  an  uncompromising 
foe.      "Would  not  our  schools  be  better  off,"  he  asks, 


202  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

*' if  every  vestige  of  the  Liudley  Murray  system  were 
swept  out  of  them?  "  And  he  goes  on  to  say,  "Gram- 
matical accuracy  should,  in  my  judgment,  be  taught  by 
examj^le  rather  than  by  precept,  indirectly  than  directly. 
What  progress  there  would  be  if  all  the  teachers  in  the 
schools  of  every  grade  were  all  the  time  on  the  watch  for 
errors. " 

The  animal  machine  is  made  so  as  to  perform  move- 
ments of  a  determined  intensity  and  speed  without 
fatigue.      (Italics  should  follow  "perform.") 

A  Weak  Test  —  Having  missed  money  at  different 
times,  without  being  able  to  discover  who  took  it,  Less- 
ing  determined  to  put  the  honesty  of  his  servant  to  the 
test,  and  left  a  handful  of  gold  on  the  table. 

"  Of  course  you  counted  it,"  said  one  of  his  friends. 

* '  Counted  it !  "  said  Lessing,  rather  embarrassed, 
<«no,  I  forgot  that." 

A  Regular  Veteran  —  Mrs.  Kawler  :  "So  your 
son  is  a  doctor?     Has  he  been  in  the  business  long  ?  " 

Mrs.  Backlotte  :  "  Oh,  yes,  4ie  must  have  been,  for 
he  wrote  that  he  is  a  veterinary  at  it." 

Irate  Customer:  "Look  here,  Einstein,  when  I 
bought  this  suit  of  you,  you  guaranteed  satisfaction." 
Einstein  :  "  Veil,  vot's  de  madder  of  you?  I  vos  sad- 
isfied." — TAfe. 

An  Irish  Policeman — The  judge  asked  an  Irish 
policeman,  named  O'Connell,  "  When  did  you  last  see 
your  sister?  "  The  policeman  replied,  "The  last  time 
I  saw  her,  my  lord,  was  about  eight  months  ago,  when 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  203 

she  called  at  my  house,  and  I  was  out."  '*Then  you  did 
not  see  her  on  that  occasion?  "  The  Irishman  answered, 
**  No,  my  lord,  I  wasn't  there." 

Uncertainty  of  Life — "  Noo,  my  gude  bairns," 
said  a  schoolmaster  to  his  class,  "there's  another  in- 
stance o'  the  uncertainty  o'  human  life;  ane  o'  your  ain 
schulemates  —  a  fine  wee  bit  lassie — went  to  her  bed 
hale  and  well  at  nicht,  and  rose  a  corpse  in  the  morn- 
ing." 

It  will  scarcely  be  supposed  that  I  publish  a  letter, 
however  deeply  interesting  in  itself,  so  liable  to  miscon- 
struction, vnthout  much  consideration. —  coleridge,  Mem- 
oirs of  John  Kehle. — (Italics  should  follow  "publish.") 

An  Irish  Proclamation  —  In  the  proclamation  of 
an  Irish  mayor  we  are  informed  that  certain  business  is 
to  be  transacted  every  Monday  (Easter  Sunday  only  ex- 
cepted). 

The  reason  why  Socrates  was  condemned  to  death 
was  on  account  of  his  unpopularity.  (Omit  "on  ac- 
count of.") 

A  Good  One  on  the  Bench — Wiggins,  an  Irish 
lawyer,  in  the  course  of  an  argument  before  the  Supreme 
Court  of  Pennsylvania,  addressed  the  court  as  "gentle- 
men" instead  of  "your  honors."  After  adjournment, 
a  practical  joker,  a  friend  of  Wiggins,  took  him  aside 
and  said,  "  You  made  a  great  mistake  in  your  remarks, 
in  addressing  the  court  as  'gentlemen  ;  '  the  chief  jus- 
tice was  very  much  offended,  and  you  had  better  apolo- 
gize for  it  in  the  morning,  or  your  case  will  suffer." 


204  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

Wiggins  determined  to  make  the  matter  all  right.  At 
the  opening  next  morning,  he  rose  and  said,  ''May  it 
please  the  court,  I  rise  to  beg  your  honors'  pardon  for 
a  blunder  of  mine,  committed  yesterday.  In  the  heat 
of  debate  I  so  far  forgot  myself  as  to  call  your  honors 
'gentlemen.'  I  will  endeavor  not  to  make  the  mistake 
again." 

Fail  —  A  country  girl  wrote  to  her  lover,  "Now, 
George,  don't  you  fale  to  be  at  the  singing-school  to- 
night." George  wrote  back,  "In  the  bright  lexicon  of 
youth — Webster's  Unabridged  —  there's  no  such  word  as 

Complimentary  —  A  gentleman  was  complimenting 
Madame  Denis  on  the  manner  in  which  she  had  just 
acted  Zara.  "To  act  that  part,"  said  she,  "a  person 
should  be  young  and  handsome."  "Ah,  Madame,"  re- 
plied the  complimenter,  "you  are  a  complete  proof  of 
the  contrary." 

Always  Very  Tall  —  Two  street  boys  were  brag- 
ging as  to  their  height.  "  Oh,  when  I  get  to  be  as  old 
as  you,"  said  the  younger  of  the  two,  "I  shall  be  just 
as  tall  as  you  are." 

"I  don't  know  about  that,"  replied  the  other,  "for 
I  was  always  very  tall,  even  when  I  was  little." 

Typographical  Errors  —  In  making  up  newspapers 

—  that  is,  in  piecing  together  paragraphs  into  columns 

—  two  separate  items  may  sometimes  be  jumbled  to- 
gether with  amazing  results.  Thus  the  New  Haven 
«7bi«'«rt/ announced  in  one  paragraph  that  "The  large 
cast-iron  wheel,  revolving  nine  hundred  times  a  minute, 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  205 

exploded  in  that  city  yesterday  after  a  long  and  painful 
illness.  Deceased  was  a  prominent  thirty-second  degree 
Mason;"  and  in  another  that  "John  Fadden,  a  well 
known  florist  and  real-estate  broker  of  Newport,  R.  I., 
died  in  Wardner  Russell's  sugar  mill  at  Crystal  Lake, 
111.,  on  Saturday,  doing  13,000  damages  to  the  building 
and  injuring  several  workmen  severely." 

An  English  paper,  however,  produced  a  far  more 
ludicrous  conglomeration.  Dr.  Mudge  had  been  pre- 
sented with  a  gold-headed  cane,  and  the  same  week  a 
patent  pig-killing  and  sausage-making  machine  had  been 
exhibited  in  the  village  of  which  he  was  pastor.  The 
gentleman  w^ho  made  up  the  forms  got  the  two  locals 
frightfully  entangled  in  the  following  appalling  manner  : 
"Several  of  the  Rev.  Dr.  Mudge's  friends  called  upon 
him  yesterday,  and,  after  a  conversation,  the  unsuspect- 
ing pig  was  seized  by  the  hind  leg,  and  slid  along  a 
beam  until  he  reached  the  hot-water  tank.  His  friends 
explained  the  object  of  their  visit,  and  presented  him 
with  a  very  handsome  gold-headed  butcher,  who  grabbed 
him  by  the  tail,  swung  him  round,  cut  his  throat  from 
ear  to  ear,  and  in  less  than  a  minute  the  carcass  was  in 
the  water.  Thereupon  he  came  forward,  and  said  that 
there  were  times  when  the  feelings  overpowered  one, 
and  for  that  reason  he  would  not  attempt  to  do  more 
than  thank  those  around  him  for  the  manner  in  which  such 
a  huge  animal  was  cut  into  fragments  was  simply  astonish- 
ing. The  doctor  concluded  his  remarks,  when  the  ma- 
chine seized  him,  and  in  less  time  than  it  takes  to  write 
it  the  pig  was  cut  into  fragments  and  worked  up  into 
delicious  sausage.  The  occasion  will  be  long  remem- 
bered by  the  Doctor's  friends  as  one  of  the  most  de- 
lightful of  their  lives.  The  best  pieces  can  be  procured 
for  ten  pence  a  pound,  and  we  are  sure  that  those  who 


206  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

have  sat  so  loiii^  under  his  ministry  will  rejoice  that  he 
has  been  treated  so  handsomely." — Monthly  Illustrated 
American. 

Justice  O'M alley  —  Dublin  once  boasted  a  magis- 
trate, one  Justice  O'Malley,  whose  eloquence  and  erudi- 
tion made  him  the  pride  and  delight  of  the  city.  "So, 
sorr,"  he  thundered  to  an  old  offender  who  had  often 
escaped  what  the  judge  always  spoke  of  as  "the  butt- 
end  of  the  law,"  "  Y'arre  about  to  incur  the  pinalty  of 
your  malefactions.  Justice,  sorr,  may  purshue  wid  a 
leaden  heel,  but  she  smites," — here  the  quotation  elude(^ 
him — "she  smites," — triumphantly — "  she  smites  wid 
a  cast-oiron  toe  ! " 

The  only  regret  now  left  us  is  that  the  text  of  the 
Old  Testament  has  not  been  given  in  full,  as  was  so 
excellently  done  by  Von  Tischendorf  in  the  case  of  the 
New.  —  The  Academy.  ("This  seems  to  imply,"  says 
Dr.  Hodgson,  "That  Von  T.,  in  editing  the  New  Testa- 
ment, gave  the  text  of  the  Old.") 

Admitting  Yourself  out  op  Court  —  A  legal 
phrase,  signifying  a  liberality  of  concession  to  your 
opponent  by  which  you  destroy  your  own  cause.  This 
excess  of  candor  was  well  illustrated  by  the  Irishman, 
who  boasted  that  he  had  often  skated  sixty  miles  a  day. 
"  Sixty  miles  !  "  exclaimed  an  auditor,  "  that  is  a  great 
distance ;  it  must  have  been  accomj^lished  Avhen  the 
days  were  longest."  "  To  be  sure  it  w^as  ;  I  admit  that," 
cried  the  ingenuous  Hibernian. —  Tin  Trumpet. 

Enlarging  the  Curriculum — "Are  you  in  favor  of 
enlaroino^  the  curriculum?  "  asked  a  School  Board  mem- 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  207 

ber  of  a  farmer  in  his  district,  somewhere  near  Bon- 
agher.  "Enlarge  nothing,"  replied  the  old  man;  "the 
building's  big  enough.  What  we  want  is  to  teach  more 
things  to  the  scholars." 

A  Butcher's  Stock  —  Butcher,  to  boy:  "I  say, 
Tom,  have  you  delivered  Mr.  Smith's  joint  and  Mrs. 
Jones's  ribs?  "  "Yes,  sir."  "  That's  right.  Don't  for- 
get to  cut  off  Mrs.  Brown's  skirts,  and  Aveigh  Mrs. 
O'Malley's  pigs'  feet." 

Graveyard  Literature  —  This  stone  is  erected  to 
the  memory  of  Thomas  Laing,  who  died  on  July  13, 
1880,  by  his  son  Ulysses  G.  Laing,  who  now  carries  on 
his  business  with  the  same  public-spirited  enterprise  at 
the  Bonanza  Cyclopean  Stores,  Bond  Street ;  see  adver- 
tisements in  the  daily  papers. —  Chamber's  Journal. 

Too  many  innovations  should  not  be  attempted  at 
once,  unless  w^here  there  happens  to  be,  as  in  chemistry, 
a  predisposition  to  admit  them. —  s.  bailey.  Letter  to  a 
Political  Economist.  In  that  case  too  many  innovations 
should  be  attempted. —  hodgson. 

A  Physician's  Blunder  —  People  are  laughing  at  a 
doctor  in  a  little  village  in  Pennsylvania  who,  in  filling 
out  a  certificate  of  death,  inadvertently  wrote  his  own 
name  in  the  blank  space  reserved  for  "cause  of  death." 

The  Sphinx  —  An  uninformed  Irishman,  hearing  the 
Sphinx  alluded  to  in  company,  whisDered  to  a  friend, 
"  The  Sphinx  !  who  is  that,  now?" 

"A  monster,  man." 

"Oh,  a  Munster-man  J  I  thought  he  was  from  Con- 


208  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

naught,"  replied  the  Irishman,  determined  not  to  seem 
totally  unacquainted  with  the  family. 

Very  Mixed  —An  adopted  citizen  of  the  United 
States,  writing  to  a  friend  in  Ireland,  says,  "  If  ivir  it's 
me  fortune  to  live  till  I  die  —  and  God  knows  whether 
it'll  be  so  or  no  —  I'll  visit  ould  Ireland  afore  I  leave 
Philadelfy." 

Absent-Minded  —  Absent-minded  speakers  in  pulpit 
and  prayer-meeting  often  make  comical  blunders,  as 
when  a  minister,  receiving  among  the  notices  a  slip 
on  which  was  written,  "Jones  is  better;  you  need  not 
2>ray  for  him  again,"  astonished  the  congregation  by 
reading  it  in  regular  order  among  the  notices.  We  once 
heard  a  minister  say,  in  a  very  deliberate  and  dignified 
manner,  "I  hold  in  my  letter  a  hand  which  I  will  read 
to  you."  A  man  in  a  prayer-meeting  is  reported  to  have 
said,  "As  I  was  sitting  on  my  thought,  a  seat  passed 
through  my  mind."  A  minister,  intending  to  say, 
"We  all  know  what  it  it  is  to  have  a  half- formed  wish 
in  our  hearts,"  said,  "  We  all  know  what  it  is  to  have  a 
half -warmed  fish  in  our  hearts." — Christian  Register. 

Of  nineteen  tyrants  who  started  up  after  the  reign  of 
Gallienus,  there  was  not  one  who  enjoyed  a  life  of  peace 
or  a  natural  death.  —  gibbon.  Rise  and  Fall. 

Irish  Measure — "How  large  a  house  are  you  going 
to  build,  Mike?  "  asked  a  gentleman  of  an  Irishman  who 
was  about  to  build  a  new  house. 

"  Oi've  not  decided  for  sure,  sor,  but  I  think  it'll  be 
about  twinty  feet  square  by  twinty-foive  long,  sor." — 
Youth'' s  Conij^ anion. 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  209 

Reader  —  A  well-known  English  epitaph  commences, 
*' Reader,  if  thou  canst  read."  This  is  somewhat  akin 
to  the  hand-board  at  the  creek  crossing,  <'The  ford  is 
dangerous  when  this  board  is  covered  by  water." 

Not  Marketable — Mendicant:  "Can't  you  give 
me  a  few  pemnies  for  my  poor  family  at  home,  sir?  " 

Merchant  :  '*  No,  no,  man  ;  I  don't  want  to  buy  any 
poor  family." — Yonkers  Statesman. 

NoN  Sequitur — Meaning,  it  does  not  follow.  Non 
seqititnr  is  well  illustrated  by  the  Birmingham  boy 
who,  being  asked  whether  some  shillings  which  he  ten- 
dered at  a  shop  were  good,  answered  with  great  simplic- 
ity, "Ay,  that  they  be,  for  I  seed  father  make  'em  all 
this  morning;"  and  by  the  following  humorous  quota- 
tions from  a  "Lecture"  by  Artemus  Ward  : 

"  I  met  a  man  in  Oregon  who  hadn't  any  teeth, — • 
not  a  tooth  in  his  head, — yet  that  man  could  play  on 
the  bass  drum  better  than  any  man  I  ever  met." 

"  I  never  on  any  account  allow  my  business  to  in- 
terfere with  my  drinking." 

And  Mark  Twain  says,  "Benjamin  Franklin  was 
always  proud  of  telling  how  he  entered  Philadelphia, 
for  the  first  time,  with  nothing  in  the  world  but  two 
shillings  in  his  pocket  and  four  rolls  of  bread  under 
his  arm.  But  really,  when  you  come  to  examine  it  crit- 
ically, it  was  nothing.     Anybody  could  have  done  it." 

A  Scotch  Specimen — A  Scotch  judge  once  ad- 
dressed a  jury  thus:  "Gentlemen,  having  shown  to  you 
that  the  case  made  for  the  plaintiff  is  absolutely  im270ssi- 
ble,  I  shall  now  proceed  to  prove  to  you  that  it  is  in  the 
highest  degree  improbable.'''' 

14 


210  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

The  author  has  felt  that  clergymen  more  than  tliose 
of  other  professions  will  study  this  treatise. — townsend, 
Art  of  Speech.  (Clergyynen  more  than  clergymen  of 
oilier  professions. ) 

Thought  He  Knew  Him — An  Irishman  who  was 
standing  on  London  bridge,  said  to  a  youth, 

"Faith,  and  I  think  I  know  yees ;  what's  yer 
name?" 

"  Jones,"  said  the  boy. 

"Jones,  Jones,"  said  the  Irishman  ;  "and  I  knew 
seventeen  ould  women  by  that  name  in  Dublin.  Was 
aither  of  them  your  mither?  " 

A  Verbal  Lease  —  There  was  a  Civil  Justice  in  one 
of  the  lower  courts  of  New  York  City,  who,  during  the 
existence  of  the  Stamp  Act,  of  his  own  motion  dismissed 
a  suit  on  a  verbal  lease  because  the  plaintiff  had  not 
proved  that  the  lease  was  stamped  according  to  the  Act. 
—  The  Green  Bag. 

The  Irish  Union  —  Sir  Boyle  Roche,  in  one  of  the 
debates  on  the  question  of  the  Irish  Union,  closed  a 
speech  in  favor  of  it  by  saying  that  "it  would  change 
the  barren  hills  into  fruitful  valleys." 

Highly  Colored  —  A  colored  clergyman  in  Phila- 
delphia gave  notice  from  the  pulpit,  "There  will  be  a 
four  days'  meeting  every  evening  this  week,  except 
Wednesday  afternoon." 

One  on  O'Connell  —  O'Connell,  in  one  of  his 
speeches  in  Conciliation  Hall,  told  his  followers  that  if 
measures  injurious  to  Ireland  were  brought  to  Parlia- 


BULLS    AND   BLUNDERS.  Sll 

ment  he  would  go  over  to  England,  and  "die  on  the 
floor  of  the  House  of  .Commons  in  opposition  to  them;  " 
and  when  he  came  back  he  would  say,  "Are  you  for 
Repeal  now?" 

Many  scenes  or  incidents  which  are  graphically 
narrated  are  told  as  well  or  better  by  other  travelers. 
—  Natural  History  of  Ireland.  (One  cannot  narrate  a 
scene.) 

A  Query  — 

I  wrote  one  day  a  sonnet, 

Upon  a  lady's  bonnet, 
A  straw  one  'twas,  and  on  it 

She  wore  a  ribbon  blue. 

Now  which  was  straw,  the  sonnet, 

Or  was't  the  lady's  bonnet 
With  ribbon  blue  upon  it  ? 

Can  any  tell  me  true  ? 

NoN  Sequitur  —  A  grammatical  Adam,  being  a  rel- 
ative without  an  antecedent ;  something  that  is  apropos 
to  nothing,  and  comes  after  without  following  from.  Of 
this  figure  there  are  various  sorts  ;  but  the  most  com- 
mon form  is  putting  the  cart  before  the  horse,  or  taking 
the  effect  for  the  cause.  "  Were  you  born  in  wedlock?  " 
asked  a  counsel  of  a  witness.  "  No,  sir,  in  Devonshire," 
was  the  reply.  "  Young  woman,"  said  a  magistrate  to 
a  girl  who  was  about  to  be  sworn,  "why  do  you  hold 
the  book  upside  down?"  "  I  am  obliged,  sir,  because  I 
am  left-handed."  A  written  non  sequitur,  not  less 
amusing,  was  involved  in  the  postscript  of  the  man  who 
hoped  his  correspondent  would  excuse  faults  of  spelling, 
if  any,  as  he  had    no   knife   to   mend   his  pens. —  Tin 


212  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

Trumpet,  A  lecturer,  who  was  contending,  at  a  tiresome 
length  and  great  tautological  perplexity,  that  'Art  could 
not  improve  Nature,'  was  startled  "half  out  of  his 
boots"  by  the  question,  in  a  deep,  sonorous  voice,  by 
one  of  his  audience,  "How  do  you  think-you  would 
look  without  your  wig?  "  The  question  was  a  "poser". 
— the  argument  a  non  sequitur. 

Gluttony — The  proneness  of  the  Irish  wit  to  hyper- 
bole is  well  illustrated  in  the  story  of  the  man  who  de- 
scribed the  gluttony  of  a  young  pig  by  saying  that  he 
had  fed  him  with  two  pailf uls  of  milk  and  meal,  and 
then  put  the  pig  in  the  pail,  which  it  didn't  half  fill. 

A  Telegraphic  Blunder  —  A  gentleman  in  San 
Francisco,  learning  that  an  estimable  lady  in  Los  Angeles 
had  suddenly  lost  all  her  property,  and  was  in  a  con- 
dition of  actual  want,  telegraphed  to  a  friend,  a  lawyer 

of  Los  Angeles,    "Assist  Mrs.  immediately."  The 

word  "assist"  was  changed  to  "arrest,"  and  the  poor 
woman's  misery  was  increased  by  a  night  in  a  prison 
cell. 

A  Little  Distracted  —  Professor,  a  little  distl'acted: 
"  I'm  glad  to  see  you.     How's  your  wife  ?  " 

"I  regret  it,  professor,  but  I'm  not  married." 
"Ah,  yes,  then,  of  course,  your  wife's  still  single." — 
Fliegende  Blaetter. 

Tombstone  Literature  —  Here  lies  John  Higley, 
whose  father  and  mother  were  drowned  in  their  passage 
from  America. 

Had  they  both  lived,  they  would  have  been  buried 
here.  —  At  Belturhet^  Ireland. 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  213 

AifGLiNG — ''Any  t'ing  pite  you  dere  ?  "  inquired  one 
Dutchman  of  another,  while  engaged  in  angling.  "No, 
not'ing  at  all."  "Veil,"  returned  the  other,  "  not'ing 
pite  me,  too." 

An  Empty  Schedule  —  A  forwarding  clerk  in  Dub- 
lin scheduled  to  a  steam  company  one  package  of  empties 
as  follows:   "  One  empty  hamper  containing  three  empty 


The  well  disciplined  array  of  ex-officials  who  knew  far 
better  than  he  did  all  he  did  not  know  of  usage,  precedent 
and  detail. — torrens  m'cullagh,  Life  of  Sir  James 
Graham. 

A  False  Rumor  —  A  reporter,  sent  to  investigate 
the  rumor  that  a  well-known  citizen  had  become  insane, 
paragraphs  the  result,  "There  was  a  report  yesterday 
that  something  was  the  matter  with  Mr.  Sander's  head. 
It  is  as  sound  as  it  has  always  been.  There  is  nothing 
in  it." 

A  Cold  Summer — "Did  ye  ever  know  such  a  cold 
summer  as  this?"  asked  Mike  of  a  fellow  Irishman. 
"Yes,"  answered  Pat. 
"When?" 
"Last  winter,  be  jabers  !  " 

Antiquities  —  An  English  gentleman  who  had  vis- 
ited Cyprus  was  asked  if  there  were  many  antiquities  on 
the  island.  "Antiquities!"  he  cried;  "  why,  the  place 
is  alive  with  them  !  " 

The  failure  of  the  book  will  rather  be  due  to  want 


214  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

of  ability  than  to  want  of  honest  preparation  in  the 
author.—  mahaffy,  Art  of  Conversation.  (Italics  should 
follow  *'due.") 

Too  Much  Treatment — "Good  morning,  Mrs. 
Gilligan  ;  how  is  Patrick  this  morning?  " 

' '  Sure  he's  no  better,  sir  !  " 

"Why  don't  you  send  him  to  the  hospital  to  be 
treated?  " 

"To  be  treated  is  it?  Faith,  an'  it's  the  delarium 
trimmins  he  has  already  !  " 

Big  Words  —  An  instance  of  the  misunderstanding 
and  misuse  of  big  words  by  the  negroes  happened  in 
a  hotel  in  Louisville.  One  day,  when  the  hotel  was  un- 
usually crowded,  the  waiter,  who  served  meals  to  a 
small  party,  did  not  appear  with  his  customary  bow  and 
smile  of  welcome.  After  some  delay  he  came  up  hur- 
riedly, with  the  apologetic  words,  "You  mus'  excuse 
me,  for  you  know,  of  co'se,  I  had  to  wait  on  the  tran- 
soms first." 

Beauty  —  "Ye  call  that  a  beauty?  "  said  Pat;  "  faith 
I  can  see  twinty  handsomer  women  on  Washington 
shtreet  ivery  day,  wid  me  oyes  shut." — Boston  Tran- 
script. 

Evolution  of  a  Law —  An  ordinance  of  the  Council 
of  Falaise  provided  that  "No  citizen  shall  go  out  at 
night  .without  a  lantern."  A  supplement  read,  "No 
citizen  shall  go  out  at  night  without  a  candle  in  his 
lantern."  The  ordinance  and  supplement  required  a 
lantern  with  a  candle  in  it,  but  made  no  provision  for 
light.     Hence  it  became  necessary   to  pass  another  sup- 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  215 

pleraent,    "No  citizen  shall  go  out  at  night  without  a 
lighted  candle  in  his  lantern." 

Thoughtful  Timothy  —  Mrs.  Brown:  "How  pro- 
voking !  Didn't  you  see,  Timothy,  that  the  letter  on  my 
table  had  no  address  ?  " 

Timothy:  "  Yes,  mum  ;  but  I  thought  you  didn't 
want  any  one  to  know  who  you  was  sendin'  it  to." 

The  workmen  are  beginning  to  arrest  men  who  ex- 
press Fenian  sentiments  for  themselves.  — Spectator. 
(Italics  should  follow  "beginning.") 

Death  Notes — The  mortal  remains  of  the  late  Mr. 
Edward  Tinsley,  whose  sudden  departure  from  among 
us  we  had  to  record  a  few  days  since,  tooh  place  yester- 
day at  the  Putney  Cemetery. —  The  Star. 

Letter  from  Judy  O'Halltgan  — 

Parish  of  Bally wacking,  Feb.  14,  18  — . 

Dear  Neffa:  —  I  haven't  sent  ye  a  letther  since  the 
last  time  I  wrote  to  ye,  because  we  have  moved  from  our 
former  place  of  livin'  and  I  didn't  know  where  a  letther 
would  find  ye;  but  I  now  wid  pleasure  tak  up  my  pin  to 
inform  ye  of  the  death  of  yer  own  livin'  Uncle  Kilpat- 
rick,  who  died  very  suddenly  last  wake,  after  a  lingering 
■^sickness  of  six  wakes.  The  poor  man  was  in  violent 
convulsions  the  whole  time  of  his  illness,  lying  per- 
fectly still  all  the  time,  spachless  intirely,  talkin'  inco- 
herently and  crying  for  wather.  I  had  no  opportunity 
of  informin' you  by  the  last  post  which  wint  two  days 
before  his  death,  and  then  you'd  had  the  postage  to  pay. 
I'm  at  a  great  loss  to  tell  what  his  death  was  occasioned 
by,  but  I  fear  it  was  by  his  last  sickness.     He  never  was 


216  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

well  tin  days  together  during  the  whole  time  of  his  con- 
finement; but  bay  that  as  it  will,  as  soon  as  he  braythed 
his  last  the  doctor  gave  up  all  hopes  of  his  recovery.. 

I  needn't  tell  ye  anything  about  his  age,  for  ye  well 
know  that  in  May  nixt  he  would  have  been  twenty-five 
years  old,  lackin'  tin  months;  and  had  he  lived  till  that 
time  he  thin  would  have  been  six  months  dead.  His 
property  is  very  considerable;  it  devolved  upon  his  next 
kin,  who  is  dead  some  time  since,  so  that  I  expect  it  will 
be  equally  divided  betwane  us  —  and  thin,  me  dear  Larry, 
ye'll  git  two-thirds  of  the  whole,  and  ye  know  he  had  a 
fine  estate,  which  was  sowld  to  pay  his  debts,  and  the 
remainder  he  lost  on  the  horse  race.  But  it  was  one 
opinion  of  all  the  ladies  present  that  he  would  have  won 
the  race  if  that  horse  he  ran  against  hadn't  been  too  fast 
for  him  —  bad  luck  to  the  baste!  But,  poor  sowl, 
he'll  niver  ate  nor  drink  any  more;  and  now,  Larry,  ye 
haven't  a  livin'  relation  in  the  world,  except  myself  and 
yer  two  cozens  that  was  kilt  in  the  last  war. 

But  I  can't  dwell  upon  this  mournful  subject,  but 
will  sale  the  letter  with  black  saleing  wax  and  put  on 
your  uncle's  coat  of  arms.  So  I  beg  ye  not  to  brake  the 
sale  when  ye  open  the  letther,  until  two  or  three  days 
after  ye  resave  it;  by  that  time  ye  will  be  betther  pre- 
pared for  the  mournful  tidings. 

Yer  old  swateheart,  Mary,  sends  her  love  to  ye,  un- 
beknownst to  me.  When  the  bearer  of  this  arrives  in 
Hamilton,  ax  him  for  this  letther,  and  if  he  doesn't  know 
which  one  it  is,  tell  him  it's  the  one  that  spakes  of  your 
uncles  death,  and  saled  in  black. 

.     Judy  O'Halligan. 

Locked  Out — "Why,  you'd  better  knock  the  door 
down.     What  do  you  want?  " 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  217 

*'Och,  my  darling  !  don't  let  me  wake  any  of  your 
family.  I'm  just  using  your  knocker  to  wake  the  people 
next  door.  I'm  locked  out,  d'ye  see,  and  they've  niver 
a  knocker." 

Quarterly  Meetings — Notice:  The  churchwar- 
dens will  hold  their  quarterly  meetings  once  in  six 
weeks,  instead  of  half-yearly,  as  formerly. 

An  Unfortunate  Remark  —  Bagley  :  '<  How's  that 
pretty  little  widow  over  in  Harlem  that  you  have  been 
raving  about  lately?  " 

Bailey:     "  Oh,  she's  married." 

Bagley:  *'You  don't  seem  to  have  very  good  luck 
in  your  matrimonial  ventures,  do  you,  Bailey?" 

Bailey  :  "Oh,  I  don't  know.  You  see,  I'm  the  one 
she  married." — Judge, 

When  the  tramps  complained  of  the  farmer's  dogs, 
he  called  them  ill-bred  curs.  (Ambiguous  because 
*'  curs"  may  apply  to  dogs  or  to  tramps.) 

It  was  our  duty  not  to  give  hasty  judgments,  until 
both  sides  of  the  question  were  before  us. — Manchester 
Examiner  and  Times.  (That  is,  in  that  case  we  may 
give  as  hasty  judgments  as  we  please.) 

Burglary —  An  Irish  paper,  referring  to  a  burglary, 
says,  * 'After  21,  fruitless  search,  all  the  money  was  recov- 
ered, except  one  pair  of  boots." 

O'Hooligan's  Plurality  —  Mrs.  O'Toole  :  <<  Good 
marnin'  to  ye,  Misther  O'Hooligan,  an'  jye  be  wid  ye, 
for  it's  a  father  ye  are," 


218  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

Mr.  O'Hooligan  :  <'  Faix,  but  the  harruf  hasn't  been 
tould  ye,  Missus  O'Toole,  an'  it's  more  than  one  father 
I  am  when  it's  thriplets,  bedad." — Life. 

Convincing  Proof — *'Suretoime  was  invinted  in 
Ireland." 

Jeweler  :      "Why  do  you  think  so?  " 

"  Begorra,  d'yez  be  after  thinkin'  its  name  would  be 
O'clock  if  it  didn't  come  from  the  owld  sod?  " 

The  Very  Image — *'You  look  so  much  like  your 
brother,"  said  Dennis  to  Phelim,  "that  I  could  tell  yez 
was  brothers  if  I'd  niver  seen  aither  av  yez." 

A  Mere  Skeleton — "Gentlemen  of  the  jury,"  said 
an  Australian  lawyer,  "the  case  for  the  crown  is  a  mere 
skeleton  —  a  mere  skeleton,  gentlemen,  for,  as  I  shall 
presently  show  you,  it  has  neither  flesh,  blood,  or  bones 
in  it."  On  another  occasion  he  solemnly  declared  that 
a  certain  verbal  agreement  ' '  was  not  worth  the  paper  it 
was  loritten  on.'*'' 

NoN- Intervention — The  following  is  Talleyrand's 
definition  of  "non-intervention  ;  "  "It  is  a  metaphysical 
and  political  expression  which  means  about  the  same  as 
intervention."  This  is  not  more  lucid  than  the  reply  of 
Bishop  Blomfield,  to  whom  was  referred  the  question 
put  by  Mr.  Joseph  Hume  to  Lord  Al thorp,  what  is  an 
archdeacon.  "An  archdeacon,"  said  the  bishop,  "  is  an 
ecclesiastical  officer  who  performs  archidiaconal  func- 
tions."—  BENT,  Sliort  Sayings  of  Great  Men. 

A  Well -Meaning  Sexton — "This  bell,"  said  a 
well-meaning  sexton,   when    showing  the  belfry  of  an 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  219 

interesting  village  church  to  a  party  of  visitors,  ''is  only- 
rung  in  case  of  a  visit  from  the  Lord  Bishop  of  the  dio- 
cese, a  fire,  a  flood,  or  any  other  such  calamity." 

Value  of  a  Comma  —  The  misplacement  of  a  comma 
cost  the  government  about  two  millions  of  dollars.  The 
blunder  occurred  in  a  tariff  bill  more  than  twenty  years 
ago.  There  was  a  section  enumerating  what  articles 
should  be  admitted  free  of  duty.  Among  the  many  ar- 
ticles specified  were  ''all  foreign  fruit-plants,"  etc., 
meaning  plants  for  transplanting,  propagation,  or  experi- 
ment. The  enrolling  clerk,  in  copying  the  bill,  acci- 
dentally changed  the  hyphen  in  the  compound  word 
"fruit-plants"  to  a  comma,  making  it  read  "All  foreign 
fruit,  plants,"  etc.  The  consequence  was  that  for  a 
year,  until  Congress  could  remedy  the  blunder,  all 
oranges,  lemons,  bananas,  grapes,  and  other  foreign 
fruits  were  admitted  free  of  duty. 

Mixed  Metaphor — The  following  declaration  of  Sir 
Boyle  Roche  is  a  happy  illustration  of  mixed  metaphor : 
"Mr.  Speaker,  I  smell  a  rat;  I  see  him  floating  in  the 
air ;  but  mark  me,  sir,  I  will  nip  him  in  the  bud. " 

A  Pleasant  Reminder — Jenkins,  writing  to  thank 
his  aunt  for  a  large  goose  she  had  sent  him  for  his  Xmas 
dinner,  says,  "  You  could  not  have  sent  me  a  more  ac- 
ceptable present,  or  one  that  would  have  reminded  me 
of  you  more  pleasantly." — Courier  des  Etats  Unis. 

He  Recognized  Himself  —  A  farmer  once  sent  his 
servant  to  a  wealthy  neighbor  with  a  letter  requesting 
the  loan  of  a  donkey.  When  the  servant  arrived  it  hap- 
pened that  this  man,  who  was  uneducated,  was  in  com- 


220  BULLS   AND  BLUNDERS. 

pany  with  some  wealthy  acquaintances  whom  he  did 
not  wish  to  know  of  his  inability  to  read.  So  taking  the 
letter  and  after  pretending  to  read  it,  he  turned  to  the 
servant  and  said,  <' All  right;  tell  your  master  that  I 
shall  be  with  him  presently." —  The  Irish  Times. 

Hence  he  considered  marriage  with  a  modern  political 
eco7iomist  as  very  dangerous. —  disraelt.  Curiosities  of 
Literature.     (Italics  should  follow  "hence.") 

Teaching  —  Irate  father:  "I'll  teach  you  to  lie 
and  steal,  you  rascal,  you  !  " 

Wayward  son,  from  the  midst  of  the  scrimmage  : 
"Oh,  don't  trouble  —  ouch  !  —  yourself,  father.  I  know 
how  already  ! " 

A  Boston  Servant — A  Boston  servant,  like  many 
of  her  class,  does  not  know  her  age.  She  has  lived 
with  one  family  eleven  years  and  has  always  been 
twenty-eight.  But  not  long  ago  she  read  in  the  news- 
paper of  an  old  woman  who  had  died  at  the  age  of 
a  hundred  and  six.  "May  be  I'm  as  ould  as  that 
mesilf,"  said  she.  "  Indade,  I  can't  remimber  the  time 
whin  I  wasn't  alive." 

Apology  and  Postscript  —  The  man  who,  apologiz- 
ing for  not  taking  part  in  a  debate,  remarked,  "  I  never 
open  my  mouth  in  public  for  fear  of  putting  my  foot  in 
it,"  reminds  us  of  the  other  man  who  sent  a  hillet  doux  to 
his  lady  love,  and  added  as  a  postscript,  "Please  send 
a  speedy  answer,  as  I  have  somebody  else  in  my  eye." 

A  Singular  Verdict  —  A  Pekin,  111.,  coroner's  jury 
rendered  a  very  singular  verdict  that  a  man  whose  body 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  221 

was  found  in  the  river  came  to  his  death  by  a  blow  on 
the  head,  <' which  was  given  either  before  or  after  the 
drowning." 

A  Sinecure  —  When  Curran  exclaimed  in  the  Irish 
Parliament,  '^I  am  the  guardian  of  my  own  honor," 
Sir  Boyle  Roche  wished  the  gentleman  "joy  of  his  sine- 
cure appointment." — Recollections  of  Sir  Jonah  Bar- 
rington.  It  is  sometimes  quoted,  "Faith,  I  knew  the 
honorable  gentleman  would  accept  a  sinecure." — bent, 
Short  Sayings  of  Great  Men. 

Mrs.  Partington  —  "Are  you  the  judge  of  repro- 
bates?" said  an  old  lady,  as  she  walked  into  Judge  Mona- 
han's  office. 

"I  am  the  judge  of  probate,"  was  the  reply, 
"Well,    that's   it,    I    expect,"   quoth   the  old  lady. 
''You  see,  my  husband  died  detested,  and  left  me  sev- 
eral little  infidels,  and  I  want  to  be  their  executioner." 

Wullie's  Count — Two  Pittenweem  fishermen  were 
calling  to  each  other  from  their  respective  boats  on  their 
return  from  a  deep-sea  fishing  expedition.  "Weel, 
Geordie,  what  like's  yer  catch  the  day  ?  "  "No  muckle 
to  brag  o',  Wullie,"  was  the  reply;  "the  big  fish  were 
gey  seldom.  What  like's  yer  ain?"  "Fine  man,  fine ! 
We've  got  a  lot  o'  gey  big  anes;  it  wadna  tak'  mony  o' 
them  to  mak'  a  hunder." 

Value  of  a  Comma — A  Prussian  school  inspector 
appeared  at  the  office  of  the  burgomaster  of  a  little  town 
to  ask  him  to  accompany  him  on  a  tour  of  inspection 
through  the  schools.  The  burgomaster  was  out  of  sorts, 
and  was  heard  to  mutter  to   himself,    "What   is  this 


222  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

donkey  here  again  for  ?  "  The  insj^ector  said  nothing, 
but  waited  his  time,  and  with  the  unwilling  burgomaster 
set  out  on  his  tour.  At  the  first  school  he  announced 
his  wish  to  see  how  well  punctuation  was  taught.  "Oh, 
never  mind  that,"  grumbled  the  burgomaster,  "we 
don't  care  for  commas  and  such  trifles."  But  the  in- 
spector sent  a  boy  to  the  blackboard  and  ordered  him  to 
write,  "The  burgomaster  of  R.  says,  the  inspector  is  a 
donheyy  Then  he  ordered  him  to  transpose  the  comma, 
placing  it  after  R.,  and  to  insert  another  one  after  in- 
spector, and  the  boy  wrote,  "J'Ae  burgomaster  oj-  M., 
says  the  inspector,  is  a  donkey.^''  It  is  probable  that  the 
refractory  official  gained  a  new  idea  of  the  value  of 
"commas  and  such  trifles." — London  Journal  of  Edu- 
cation. 

Well  Intended  —  An  old  Irishman,  bidding  fare- 
well to  a  friend  departing  for  Australia,  said,  "Good- 
bye, my  boy;  may  you  live  forever,  and  when  you  die, 
may  you  die  happy." 

Parliamentary  Blunders  —  I  can  drive  a  coach  and 
six  through  any  act  of  Parliament. — Daniel  0"*  Connell. 

Her  success  is  neither  the  result  of  system  nor  stra- 
tegy. —  Traits  of  Character,    (Italics  should  follow  '  'of. ") 

Blackberries  —  An  Irishman  was  once  asked  if  he 
had  ever  seen  a  red  blackberry.  "To  be  sure  I  have," 
said  Pat;  "all  blackberries  are  red  when  they  are  green." 

Genuine  "Ads" — The  skill  of  the  ordinary  adver- 
tisement writer  is  continually  illustrated.  It  almost 
pays  to  read   the  advertisements  to  get  the  queer  ex- 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  223 

araples  of  business  English  that  they  contain.  The 
other  day  we  noticed  these: 

If  you  buy  a  pair  of  Dumkof's  pantaloons  you  will 
never  buy  another. 

Just  received,  a  fine  lot  of  live  Ostend  rabbits.  Per- 
sons purchasing  the  same  will  be  skinned  and  cleaned 
while  they  wait. — JBoston  Transcript. 

Railway  Notice  —  On  a  certain  railway  the  follow- 
ing luminous  direction  was  printed:  "  Hereafter,  when 
trains  in  an  opposite  direction  are  approaching  each 
other  on  separate  lines,  conductors  and  engineers  will 
come  to  a  dead  halt  before  the  point  of  meeting,  and  be 
careful  not  to  proceed  until  each  train  has  passed  the 
other." 

An  Irish  Delivery — Mistress,  wishing  to  see  if  her 
message  had  been  correctly  delivered :  "What  did  you 
tell  the  ladies,  Bridget?  " 

Bridget:  "I  told  'em  yez  wasn't  feelin'  well,  and 
yez  was  goin'  to  call  on  'em  soon,  and  they  sez  they  was 
sorry  to  hear  it." 

Advertisement  —  Rats  and  gentlemen  catched  and 
waited  on  and  all  other  jobs  performed  by  Solomon 
Gundy. 

Such — "  I  have  never  before  seen  such  a  large  ox." 
By  a  little  transposing  of  the  words  of  this  sentence 
we  have,  "  I  have  never  before  seen  an  ox  such  large," 
which  makes  it  quite  clear  that  we  should  say  so  large 
an  ox  and  not  such  a  large  ox.  As  proof  that  this  error 
in  the  use  of  such  is  common,  we  find  in  Mr.  George 
Washington   Moon's  "Dean's   English   and   Bad   Eng- 


224  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

lish,"  the  sentence,  "With  all  due  deference  to  such  a 
high  authority  on  such  a  very  important  matter."  With 
a  little  transposing,  this  sentence  is  made  to  read, 
"  With  all  due  deference  to  an  authority  such  high  on  a 
matter  such  very  important."  It  is  clear  that  the  sen- 
tence should  read,  "  With  all  due  deference  to  so  high 
an  authority  on  so  very  important  a  matter."  The 
phrases,  such  a  handsome,  stcch  a  lovely,  such  a  long, 
such  narrow,  etc.,  are  incorrect,  and  should  be  so  hand- 
some, so  lovely,  so  long,  and  so  on.  —  Alfred  aykes. 
The  Verbalist. 

She  published  a  separate  volume  of  poems,  and  con- 
tributed many  beautiful  short  pieces  of  poetry  to  Cham, 
ber's  Journal  and  other  leading  periodicals,  which  are 
marked  by  great  vigor  and  originality." —  Traits  of 
Character.  ("To  Chamber"^ s  Journal  and  other  lead- 
ing periodicals "  should  follow  "contributed.") 

Organist  and  Music  Teacher  —  Among  the  replies 
to  an  advertisement  of  a  music  committee  for  "  a  can- 
didate as  organist,  music  teacher,  etc.,  was  the  follow- 
ing:  "Gentlemen,  I  noticed  your  advertisement  for 
organist  and  music  teacher,  either  lady  or  gentleman. 
Having  been  both  for  several  years,  I  offer  you  my  ser- 
vices." 

Directions  by  a  "  Far- West  "  Boy  to  a  New  York 
Editor  —  The  first  house  you  come  to  is  a  barn,  and  the 
next  is  a  hay-stack. 

The  Cause  of  Blundering  —  An  Irishman  was 
asked  why  his  countrymen  were  so  remarkable  for  blun- 
dering.     "Faith,"  said  Pat,  "there  is  something  in  the 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDEES.  226 

air  of  Ireland;  and,  I  dare  say,  if  an  Englishman  was 
born  there  he  would  do  the  same." 

Three  R's  —  Sir  William  Curtis,  a  very  illiterate 
man,  but  fully  alive  to  the  necessity  of  instruction,  was 
once  called  upon  at  a  public  dinner  to  propose  sc  toast, 
when  he  gave  "The  three  R's  —  Reading,  Riting,  and 
Rithmetic." 

Two  OF  A  Kind  —  Biddy:  *'Yis,  and  the  poor  thing 
kept  sinking,  and  never  revived  until  afther  she  had 
breathed  herlasht." 

Mary  Ann:  "Yis,  and  even  thin  she  was  spachless, 
Oi've  heard." 

A  Sad,  Sad  World — '*This  is  a  sad  and  bitter 
world,"  remarked  a  gentleman  of  Irish  extraction. 
'*  We  never  strew^  flowers  on  a  man's  grave  until  after  he 
is  dead." — Washington  Hatchet. 

Not  Lost — An  Englishman  traveling  in  Kilkenny, 
arriving  at  a  ford,  hired  a  boat  to  take  him  across.  In 
crossing  he  asked  the  boatman  if  any  one  had  ever 
been  lost  in  the  passage.  "Never,"  replied  Pat;  "my 
brother  was  drownd  here  last  week,  but  we  found  him 
the  next  day." 

An  Irish  Caller — O'Rafferty:  "Tell  Mr.  Jackson 
that  I  called  to  see  him." 

Servant:  "What  name,  sah,  so  I  kin  tell  Mr.  Jack- 
son who  called  ?  " 

O'Rafferty:  "Phat  do  you  want  to  repate  me  name 
to  Mr.  Jackson  when  he  knows  it  already." — alex.  e. 

SWEET. 


226  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

WiLKiNS — A  witness,  in  describing  an  event,  said, 
<'the  person  I  saw  at  the  head  of  the  stairs  was  a  man 
w^ith  one  eye  named  Wilkins."  (What  was  the  name  of 
the  other  eye?) 

Her  mother  .  .  .  watched  her  fair  young  daughter 
flitting  about  amongst  the  dark  Italians,  and  speaking 
their  language  so  easily  and  fluently,  with  great  maternal 
pride. — Dharyna.     (Italics  should  follow  "watched.") 

Malaria— "Malaria?"  said  the  Old  Orchard  Beach 
landlady.  "Well,  no,  we  haven't  got  it;  folks  haint 
asked  for  it;  but  we'll  get  it  for  your  family." — Lake 
Pleasant  [Massachusetts)  News, 

Missionary  Rum  —  A  minister,  lately  addressing  a 
woman's  missionary  meeting,  said  that  "thousands  of 
gallons  of  rum  go  into  Africa  for  every  brother  who  is 
sent  there;"  whereupon  one  of  the  sisters  whispered  to 
her  neighbor,  "Rather  a  large  allowance  for  them  mis- 


A  Muddle  of  Pronouns  —  Men  look  with  an  evil 
eye  upon  the  good  that  is  in  others,  and  think  their  rep- 
utation obscures  them,  and  that  their  commendable  qual- 
ities do  stand  in  their  light ;  and  therefore  the}/  do  what 
thei/  can  to  cast  a  cloud  over  them,  that  the  bright 
shining  of  their  virtues  may  not  obscure  them. — bishop 
TiLLSTON.  The  sentence  is  a  complete  muddle  of  pro- 
nouns.  PROF.    SWINTON. 

Erratum  —  The  following  is  taken  from  an  old  Dub- 
lin newspaper:  "Erratum.  —  In  our  yesterday's  num- 
ber,  under   the   head   of   Fashionable   Intelligence,  for 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  227 

*  His  Grace^  the  Duchess  of  Rutland,'  read  '  Her  Grace," 
the  Duke.'" 

A  Matter  of  Rent  —  < '  Have  you  got  the  rent  ready 
at  last?  " 

*'No,  sir;  mother's  gone  out  washing  and  forgot  to 
put  it  out  for  you." 

''  Did  she  tell  you  she'd  forgotten?  " 

"Yes,  sir." 

Caricature — A  judicious  imitation  of  Dr.  John- 
son's phraseology  on  trifling  subjects  was  a  favorite 
manner  of  attack  among  the  critics.  Erskine's  account 
of  the  Buxton  baths  is  one  of  the  most  amusing.  When 
several  examples  of  this  sort  were  shown  to  Johnson, 
at  Edinburgh,  he  pronounced  that  of  Lord  Dreghorn  the 
best ;  "  but,"  said  he,  "  I  could  caricature  my  own  style 
much  better  myself." 

A  Farmer's  Letter  —  A  farmer,  who  raised  a  great 
many  hogs,  attended  a  State  Fair  in  Ohio,  and  wrote  the 
following  letter  to  a  neighbor:  "Dear  Friend — Yes- 
terday I  inspected  the  live  stock  department  of  the  fair. 
You  will  be  interested  to  know  that  the  display  of 
hogs  was  unusually  large.  Amongst  the  hogs  I  saw 
some  of  your  breed,  and  was  very  much  surprised  at  not 
seeing  you  there  yourself." —  Tid-bits. 

He  is  to  speak  to-night  on  the  Civil  War  at  the  opera 
house.     (Italics  should  follow  "  speak.") 

Anxious  to  Please — Master:  "Pat,  I  thought  I 
engaged  you  to  carry  bricks  up  that  ladder  by  the 
day?" 


228  BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 


Master :  ' '  Well,  I've  been  watching  you,  and  you've 
only  done  it  half  a  day  to-day.  The  other  half  you 
spent  coming  down  the  ladder." 

Pat:   "  Oi'll  thry  to  be  doin'  betther  to-morry,  sor." 

Brother  or  Sister? — A  parson  reading  the  funeral 
service  at  the  grave  forgot  the  sex  of  the  deceased,  and 
asked  one  of  the  mourners,  an  Emeralder,  <'Is  this  a 
brother  or  a  sister?" 

** Neither,"  replied  Pat,  "only  a  cousin." 


Literal  Interpretation  —  It  is  an  elementary  rule 
that  a  thing  which  is  within  the  letter  of  a  statute  is  not 
within  the  statute,  unless  it  be  also  within  the  meaning 
of  the  legislature.  .  .  .  Language  is  rarely  so  free 
from  ambiguity  as  to  be  incapable  of  being  used  in  more 
than  one  sense;  and  to  adhere  rigidly  to  its  literal  and 
primary  meaning  in  all  cases  would  be  to  miss  its  real 
meaning  in  many.  If  a  literal  meaning  had  been  given 
to  the  laws  which  forbade  a  layman  to  lay  hands  on  a 
priest,  and  punished  all  who  drew  blood  in  the  street, 
the  layman  who  wounded  a  priest  with  a  weapon  would 
not  have  fallen  within  the  prohibition,  and  the  surgeon 
who  bled  a  person  in  the  street  to  save  his  life  would 
have  been  liable  to  punishment.  On  the  literal  con- 
struction of  his  promise,  Mahomed  II's  sawing  the 
Venetian  Governor's  body  in  two,  was  no  breach  of  his 
engagement  to  spare  his  head;  nor  Tamerlane's  burying 
alive  a  garrison,  a  violation  of  his  pledge  to  shed  no 
blood. — Endlich  on  the  Interpretation  of  Statutes. 

There  was  a  law,  that  those  who  in  a  storm  forsook 
the  ship  should  forfeit  all  property  therein;  and  that  the 
ship  and  lading  should   belong  entirely   to  those  who 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  229 

staid  in  it.  In  a  dangerous  tempest  all  the  mariners 
forsook  the  ship,  except  only  one  sick  passenger,  who, 
by  reason  of  his  disease,  was  unable  to  get  out  and  es- 
cape. By  chance,  the  ship  came  safe  to  port.  The  sick 
man  kept  possession  and  claimed  the  benefit  of  the  law. 
Now  here  all  the  learned  agree,  that  the  sick  man  is  not 
within  the  reason  of  the  law  ;  for  the  reason  of  making 
it  was  to  give  encouragement  to  such  as  should  venture 
their  lives  to  save  the  vessel ;  but  this  is  a  merit  which 
he  could  never  pretend  to,  who  neither  staid  in  the  ship 
upon  that  account,  nor  contributed  anything  to  its  pre- 
servation— Blackstone. 

Which  End  —  A  judge,  pointing  with  his  cane  to  a 
prisoner  before  him,  remarked,  "  There  is  a  great  rogue 
at  the  end  of  this  stick."  The  man  replied,  *'  At  which 
end,  your  honor?  " 

A  column  of  black  smoke  rose  from  the  smokestack 
of  the  engine,  more  than  a  mile  high,  in  the  valley 
below.     (Italics  should  follow  *' black  smoke.") 

A  Remarkable  Advertisement  —  An  English  reli- 
gious paper  printed  the  following  remarkable  advertise- 
ment :  "A  cultured,  earnest,  godly  young  man  desires 
a  pastorate.  Vivid  preacher,  musical  voice,  brilliant 
organizer.  Tall,  and  of  good  appearance.  Blameless 
life.  Very  highest  reference.  Beloved  by  all.  Salary, 
£120." 

Not  in  the  Fight  —  An  Irishman  apologizing  for 
running  away  from  a  fight,  said,  ^'Bedad,  I'd  rather  be 
a  coward  fifteen  minutes  than  a  corpse  the  rest  of  my 
life." 


^30  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

Epitaph  Literature  —  The  following  inscription, 
says  a  New  York  paper,  is  to  be  seen  in  an  American 
graveyard  :  "Here  will  lie  Mr.  James  Jones  ;  at  present 
he  lives  and  carries  on  his  shoe  business  at  150  Frank- 
lin Street." —  Chamber* 8  Journal. 

Coffins  —  An  editor,  puffing  air-tight  coffins,  said, 
"No  person  having  once  tried  one  of  these  coffins 
will  ever  use  any  other." 

•  'The  sky  became  more  and  more  cloudless.'^'*  Read, 
The  sky  gradually  became  cloudless.  The  sky  may  be 
cloudless^  that  is,  have  no  clouds  in  it ;  but  it  cannot  be 
inore  cloudless^  that  is,  have  fewer  clouds  than  none. — 
A.  s.  HILL,  The  Foundations  of  Rhetoric. 

Not  Exactly  What  She  Meant  —  Horace,  standing 
on  the  steps  and  looking  out  at  the  pitiless  storm  : 
"  How  it  comes  down  !  " 

Penelope,  absent-mindedly  :  "  I  do  hope  you  may  be 
able  to  get  home  before  it  stops  raining." 

Horace,  stiffly  :  "I  think  I  can."  Rushes  out  into 
the  storm. 

The  dexterity  of  the  Chinese  juggler  almost  appears 
miraculous.      (Italics  should  follow  "appears.") 

A  Public  Document  —  Muscar,  commandant  of 
Ostend,  to  the  commandant  in  chief  of  his  British 
Majesty  : 

General,  the  council  of  war  was  sitting  when  I  re- 
ceived the  honor  of  your  letters.  We  have  unanimously 
resolved  not  to  surrender  the  place  until  we  shall  have 
been  buried  in  its  ruins,  etc. 


Bulls  and  blunders.  ^31 

Stamps  —  Haughty  lady,  who  has  just  purchased  a 
stamp  :     *'  Must  I  put  it  on  myself?  " 

Stamp  clerk  :  "Not  necessarily.  It  will  probably 
accomplish  more  if  you  put  it  on  the  letter." 

Meant  What  He  Said  —  Ilardup,  indignantly : 
'*  You  said  this  coat  would  wear  like  iron,  and  here  it  is 
all  split  up  the  back  already." 

Cohen:     "  Veil,  don'd  iron  crack?" 

A  clever  magistrate  would  see  whether  he  (a  witness) 
was  deliberately  lying  a  great  deal  better  than  a  stupid 
jury.  —  Spectator.     (Italics  should  follow  *'see.") 

On  His  Dignity —  "Is  Mistah  Gwaynus  in?  "  asked 
the  sable  caller. 

"He  is,  sah,"  replied  the  dusky  functionary  at  the 
door ;   "  but  he  is  occupied.'^'' 

"How  soon,  sah,"  said  the  caller,  pulling  up  his 
shirt  collar,  "  will  Mistah  Gwaynus  be  vacant?^'' 

An  Obituary  Notice  —  An  obituary  of  an  aged 
Christian  woman  says  that  she  constantly  read  one  of 
our  religious  monthlies  "till  her  mind  failed." — Con- 
gregatio7ialist. 

A  Domestic  Paradox  —  "You  know,  Johnny,  you 
cannot  have  your  cake  and  eat  it,  too." 

Johnny:  "But,  mother,  how  can  I  eat  it  unless 
I  have  it?" — Boston  Transcript. 

Force  of  Habit  —  Patient:  "Doctor,  let  me  know 
the  worst." 

Doctor,  absent-mindedly  :    "Your  bill  will  be  $200." 


232  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

A  Paradox — "All  rules  have  their  exception,"  is 
self-contradictory,  for,  if  all  rules  have  exceptions,  this 
rule  must  have  its  exceptions.  Therefore,  the  proverb 
asserts  in  one  and  the  same  breath  that  all  rules  have  ex- 
ceptions and  that  some  rules  do  not,  —  a  clear  case  of 
proverbial  suicide. 

No  allusion  was  made  to  the  defeated  enemy  in 
accordance  with  the  orders  given  by  the  educational 
authorities.     (Italics  should  begin  the  sentence.) 

A  Blunderbuss  —  Pat  Harkin  and  his  brother 
Barney  went  out  shooting  one  day  with  a  gun  between 
them.  Pat  had  the  gun,  but  it  was  not  loaded,  and  they 
started  a  rabbit  rather  suddenly.  Pat  put  the  gun  to 
his  shoulder,  when  Barney  cried,  "  Hould  on,  Pat, 
the  gun  is  not  loaded  !  "  **  Och,"  said  Pat,  "  hould  yer 
whist  now  ;  shure  the  rabbit  does  not  know  that  !  " 

A  Colored  Preacher's  Remarks — A  lady  tells  the 
CJiristian  Advocate  that  she  heard  a  colored  preacher 
say,  "De  fo'  part  of  de  house  will  please  sit  down,  fo' 
de  hind  part  cannot  see  de  fo'  part  if  de  fo'  part  persist 
in  standing  befo'  de  hind  part,  to  de  uttah  obsclusion  ob 
de  hind  part  by  de  fo'  part." 

A  Letter  of  Thanks  —  A  friend  writing  an  author 
a  letter  of  thanks  for  a  copy  of  his  work,  says,  ambigu- 
ously, **I  will  lose  no  time  in  reading  your  book." 

Her  Own  Vocabulary — A  certain  Maine  w^om^n 
who  has  plenty  of  dollars  but  a  very  hazy  idea  oi^ 
English  orthography,  returned  from  a  visit  to  New 
York  recently.     Said  she  to  a  friend: 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDEKS.  233 

<<0h,  I  had  such  a  perfectly  lovely  time.  Every- 
thing was  so  convened,  you  know.  We  stopped  in  a 
house  where  we  rode  up  to  our  room  in  a  refrigerator, 
and  I  always  had  my  washing  done  at  the  foundry  right 
there  in  the  house.  It  was  awful  nice.  Then  there 
wasn't  no  stove  and  no  clutter  in  the  rooms.  There 
was  one  of  these  legislaters  right  in  the  floor  and  the 
heat  poured  right  up  through." 

**How  did  it  happen  that  you  came  back  so  quickly?  " 

"Oh,  well,  you  see  Sairy  didn't  have  no  appertite.     I 

had  the  hardest  work  to  get  her  anything  that  she  could 

realize.     Honestly,  when  I  got  her  home  she  was  almost 

a  individual." 

** Leading  statisticians  assert  that  more  persons  annu- 
ally choke  to  death  while  eating  in  England  than  are 
killed  on  the  English  railroads."  It  must  be  terribly 
monotonous  to  annually  clwke  to  death.  —  Boston 
Transcript. 

Ireland  and  England — An  Irishman,  being  joked 
on  the  blunders  of  his  countrymen,  observed  that  Eng- 
lishmen every  moment  made  bulls  no  less  ridiculous. 
"What,"  said  he,  "will  you  say  to  ill  health,  bad  suc- 
cess, much  too  little,  vastly  little,  excessively  small, 
negative  success,  acquitted  felons  ?  " 

Dentist's  Sign — Teeth  extracted  with  great  pains. 

Which  One? — The  young  melodram^-tist,  telling 
the  story  of  his  new  play  to  the  manager,  said, 

"As  the  robbers  crawl  in  at  the  window  the  clock 
strikes  one." 

"Ah,"  said  the  manager,  "which  one?" 


234  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

A  Lesson  in  Language — "  What  are  we  waiting  on, 
conductor?"  asked  a  passenger  from  Chicago,  when  the 
train  came  to  a  standstill. 

"We  are  waiting  on  the  track,"  replied  the  con- 
ductor, who  was  a  Boston  man. — Lippincotf  s  Magazine. 

*A. chapel,  the  appearance  of  which  denoted  it  to  have 
long  seen  no  other  congregation  than  that  of  rats,  whose 
devastations  were  indeed  sufficiently  obvious  in  the  rotten 
beams  and  worm-eaten  chairs. —  Canterbury  Tales. 

Quarter -Sessions — A  newly-elected  mayor,  in  one 
of  the  smaller  towns  of  the  Emerald  Isle,  wishing  to 
give  some  proof  of  bis  desire  for  work,  announced  that 
he  intended  to  hold  his  quarter-session  monthly. 

Humor  of  Misspelling —  There  is  an  autograph  let- 
ter of  General  Herkimer,«of  Revolutionary  fame,  in  the 
library  of  the  Oneida  Historical  Society,  at  Utica,  New 
York.  It  is  a  unique  document,  and  sheds  so  suggestive 
a  light  upon  the  character  of  the  education  possessed 
by  him,  and  upon  the  strange  and  mongrel  Dutch- 
English  language  which  was  in  current  use  in  the  Mo- 
hawk Valley  during  the  Revolution,  that  it  is  worth 
quoting. 

"seryu  will  order  your  bodellgen  do  mercks  im- 
miedeetleh  do  ford  eduard  wid  for  das  profiesen  and 
amonieschen  fied  for  an  betell.  dis  ju  will  du  ben  yur 
berrell  foram  frind  Nicolas  herchkeimer  to  earn  ell  pieder 
bellinger  ad  de  flats  ocdober  18,  1776." 

An  expert  translates  this  curious  order  as  follows : 
*' Sir,  You  will  order  your  battalion  to  march  immedi- 
ately to  Fort  Edward,  with  four  days'  provisions  and 
ammunition  for  one  battle.     This  you  will  disobey  (at) 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  235 

your  peril.  From  (your)  friend,  Nichoias  Herkimer. 
To  Colonel  Peter  Bellinger,  at  the  flats." — walsh,  Lit- 
erary Curiosities. 

Absent-Minded  —  Customer:  "Have  you  embroid- 
ered night  shirts?" 

Absent-minded  salesman:  <'I  never  have;  have 
you?  " —  Smith,  Gray  <&  Go's  Monthly. 

A  New  One  to  Him  —  A  man  from  one  of  the  back 
counties,  filling  an  easy  position  at  the  National  Mu- 
seum, Washington,  was  home  on  a  vacation.  A  friend 
said  to  him,  "I  understand  you  have  a  sinecure  down 
there."  "Not  that  I  know  of,"  he  replied  innocently; 
"  but  they're  getting  in  new  animals  every  day  or  so, 
and  may  be  it's  come  since  I  left." 

The  Governor's  Share  —  In  the  Irish  Bank  Bill, 
passed  in  June,  1808,  there  is  a  clause  providing  that 
the  profits  shall  be  equally  divided,  and  that  the  resi- 
due shall  go  to  the  governor. 

Killed  by  the  Cars — "  Henery?  Wy,  Henery  died 
'mos'  a  yeah  ago  wid  a  kyarbuncle." 

"My!  It's  awful  how  many  gits  killed  on  dem 
kyars  nowadays  wid  de  bilers  bustin'  air  a  gittin' 
scrunched  'tween  de  kyar-buncles." 

Coroner's  Notice — Hen  Peters  got  killed  this  morn- 
ing and  ther  coroner  has  just  gone  out  to  hold  an  insect 
on  him. 

Pat's  Testimony  in  the  Riot  Case  —  Be  hivhis, 
the  first  man  I  saw  coming  at  me  was  two  brickbats. 


236  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

You  have  already  been  informed  of  the  sale  of  Ford's 
Theatre,  where  Mr.  Lincoln  was  assassinated,  for  reli- 
gious purposes. — Times.     (Italics  should  follow  "sale.") 

A  Sweeping  Statement — "Jane,  how  is  this?  Didn't 
I  tell  you  to  sweep  the  front  as  far  as  the  corner?" 

"Indade,  mum,  yez  didn't;  yez  told  me  to  swape 
the  front  poorch  an'  walk  to  the  corner,  an'  I  did  it, 
mum,  though  for  me  loife  I  couldn't  see  why  yez 
wanted  me  to  walk  to  the  corner." 

Ear-Makks  —  Dobbs  says  he  ear-marks  his  hogs  dif- 
ferently from  other  people,  and  can  tell  them  as  far  as 
he  can  see  them.  He  cuts  three  pieces  off  their  tails, 
while  others  cut  but  one. 

Impromptu  Definitions — An  Ohio  school  commit- 
tee must  have  been  puzzled  to  decide  wlwch  of  two  can- 
didates for  a  schoolmarmship  was  the  better  fitted  for 
the  post,  the  young  woman  who  averred  that  "respira- 
tion" was  the  "prespiring"  of  the  body,  or  her  rival, 
who  believed  "emphasis"  was  the  putting  more  "dis- 
tress" on  one  word  than  another,  definitions  worthy 
of  a  place  beside  those  achieved  by  the  English  medical 
student  responsible  for  "hypothesis,  something  that 
happens  to  a  man  after  death;"  and  "irony,  a  substance 
found  in  mineral  wells,  which  is  carefully  preserved  in 
bottles  and  sold  by  chemists  as  tincture  of  iron." 

A  Lucid  Argument —  "What  side  is  the  gentleman 
on?  "  asked  the  stranger  who  had  been  listening  for  two 
hours  to  a  lawyer  arguing  a  case  in  the  Supreme  Court. 

"  I  don't  know,"  replied  the  gentlemanly  door- 
keeper ;  "he  hasn't  committed  himself  yet." 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  237 

Love — "Do  you  t'ink  you  love  me,  Dinnis?"  asked 
Judy. 

*'  Go  'way  now,  darlint;  av  coorse  I  do !  " 

**  How  do  you  know  it,  Dinnis?" 

<'Be  the  way  I  appreciate  your  prisince  when  Oi'm 
away  from  ye." 

He  best  knew  the  need  of  consolidating  the  colonies 
he  had  made  free  under  one  government.  (Italics  should 
follow  *' consolidating.") 

Stretching  the  Truth — Widow  Johnsing  :  <'Doan' 
yo'  t'ink,  deakin,  dat  Prof.  Yawper  straitched  de  trufe  in 
his  disco'se  dis  ebenin?" 

Deacon  Fowlah :  "  Straitch  am  nuffin',  Mrs.  John- 
sing  ;  wha,  I  wouldn'  beliebe  dem  Ues  ef  I  tole  'em 
maself ! " 

Predominance  —  Shop  assistant :  ''You  see,  mum, 
although  the  red  predominates,  the  white  predominates 
more  so,  and  yet  the  blue  predominates  most  of  all." 

Personal  Column — A  correspondent  writes  to  know 
what  he  ought  to  get  for  "kicking  cows."     We  should 

say  about  a  year   if   he   does  it  habitually Westfield 

Leader. 

I  will  neither  attempt  to  palliate  nor  deny.  (Italics 
should  follow  "  attempt.") 

The  Blind  Musician  —  An  Irishman,  after  witness- 
ing the  wonderful  performances  of  Blind  Tom,  the  pian- 
ist, remarked  to  his  friend,  "Be  the  powers,  that's  the 
best  music  I  iver  heard  wid  me  two  ears," 


238  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

«*He  does  pretty  well  for  a  blind  man,  doesn't  he?" 

<'He  does  indade.  But  I  was  just  thinkin'  of  wan 
thing." 

"What's  that?" 

"It  wouldn't  make  any  difference  to  him  if  he 
wasn't  blind." 

"Why  not?" 

"Well,  I  wor  watchin'  him  all  evenin'  and  he  niver 
looks  at  the  pianny  anyhow." — Merchant  Traveler. 

Difficult — Doctor:  "And  now,  as  to  the  swelling 
on  the  back  of  your  head,  there  is  nothing  serious  about 
it  at  present,  but  you  must  keep  your  eye  fixed  on  it." — 
FUegende  Blaetter. 

A  Conference  Committee  —  At  the  A.  M.  E.  Con- 
ference in  a  Western  city,  a  colored  member  in  present- 
ing a  motion  said,  "Mr.  Chairman,  I  moves  the 'point- 
ment  of  a  committee  of  not  less  than  thirteen  nor  more 
than  seven." 

Rare  Beauty — A  Frenchman,  having  received  the 
photograph  of  a  lady,  asked  a  friend  what  was  custom- 
ary under  the  circumstances.  "Compliment  it,"  replied 
the  friend.  "Tell  her  its  beauty  is  very  rare."  "I 
beg  to  make  zee  acknowlemong,  madam,"  he  said  to  her 
at  the  next  meeting;  "zee  beauty  of  madam  is  vair 
scarce." 

A  French  Passport — The  mayor  of  a  French  town 
gave  the  following  passport  to  a  person  who  intended  to 
travel:  "Hair  and  eyebrows,  black;  eyes,  brown;  fore- 
head, usual  shape  and  size.  Resembles  his  father  very 
piuch  in  all  other  respects," 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  239 

Major  O'Brien — Among  those  mortally  wounded  at 
Waterloo  was  Major  O'Brien,  afterwards  distinguished 
for  his  bravery  in  the  Indian  Wars. — Irish  Anchor. 

Exaggeration,  Intemperate  —  Diminishing  by  addi- 
tion, as  the  word  *' small"  is  made  ''smaller"  by  append- 
ing two  more  letters  to  it.  When  a  man  asserts  too 
much,  whether  in  the  shape  of  praise  or  censure,  we  take 
our  revenge  by  falling  into  an  opposite  error,  and  be- 
lieve too  little.  The  same  effect  is  often  produced  by 
that  confusion  of  ideas  or  terms  which  is  designated  a 
bull.  A  radical,  inveighing  against  the  rapacity  of  the 
clergy,  gave  it  as  his  decided  opinion  that  if  they  had 
their  own  way  they  would  raise  the  tithes  from  a  "tenth" 
to  a  "twentieth."  On  the  other  hand,  an  intended  dimin- 
ution, by  the  same  figure  of  speech,  may  amount  to  an 
exaggeration.  "  I  have  just  met  our  old  acquaintance 
Daly,"  said  an  Irishman  to  his  friend,  "and  was  sorry 
to  see  he  has  almost  shrunk  to  nothing.  You  are  thin 
and  I  am  thin,  but  he  is  thinner  than  both  of  us  put 
together."  Did  the  Hibernian  sailor  exaggerate  or  dimin- 
ish when,  in  describing  the  weather,  he  said,  "There 
was  but  little  wind,  but  what  there  was  was  uncommonly 
high." — Tin  Trumpet. 

There  is  no  paper  as  yet  of  striking  and   sensational 
importance.     (Italics  should  follow  "is.") 

Damage — Mr.  Kenny  fell  from  a  carriage  and  broke 
his  neck,  but  received  no  further  damage. — Irish  Pcq^er. 

Scotch  Criticism — "Na,"  said  a  Scotchman,  "I 
have  no  feelings  o'  enmity  against  Irishmen.  I  like 
them.     One  o'  the  best  frien's  I  ever  had  was  an  Irish 


240  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

chiel.  The  Irish  are  all  right.  The  only  fau't  I  find 
wi'  an  Irishman  is  that  he  cannaor  winna  speak  the  Eng- 
lish language  without  a  brogue.     His  auxunt's  awfu'." 

A  Drop  Too  Much  —  Brown:  "You  know,  I'm 
quite  a  near  neighbor  of  yours  now,  Mrs.  Golightly. 
I've  just  taken  a  little  house  on  the  river." 

Mrs.  Golightly:  ''Oh  !  well,  I  hope  you'll  drop  in 
some  day." 

A  Crowded  House  —  An  Irish  newspaper,  refer- 
ring to  a  theatrical  performance,  says,  "The  beautiful 
theatre  was  crowded  with  hundreds  more  than  it  could 
hold." 

An  Ambiguous  Rule  —  "What's  this  extra  charge 
for?  "  asked  Mr.  Hayseed. 

"We  charge  extra  for  gas  burned  all  night,"  re- 
plied the  hotel  clerk. 

"Why,  consarn  your  picturs  !  you've  got  a  sign 
there,  plain  as  kin  be,  '  Don't  blow  out  the  gas  !'  " 

Ireland  vs.  England.  —  A  quartermaster  in  a  regi- 
ment of  light-horse,  who  was  more  than  six  feet  high 
and  very  corpulent,  was  joking  an  Irishman  about  the 
natural  proneness  of  his  countrymen  to  make  bulls  in 
conversation.  "  By  my  soul,"  said  the  Irishman,  "  Ire- 
land  never  made  such  a  bull  as  England  did  when  she 
made  a  light-horseman  of  you." 

Saving  a  Life  —  A  very  good  one  is  told  of  a  fellow 
who  was  present  at  a  fire.  The  building  was  a  dwell- 
ing-house, and  a  lady  appeared  at  a  third-story  window, 
crying  for  help  to  save  her  life.     The  Irishman,  greatly 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  241 

moved  at  this,  commenced  shouting  for  a  rope,  when 
a  by-stander  interrupted  him  with,  "What  do  you  want 
with  a  rope?" 

«*Why,  to  haul  her  out,  ov  coorse,"  was  the  ready 
reply. 

He  blew  out  his  brains  after  bidding  his  wife  good- 
bye with  a  gun. —  Connecticut  Paper, 

A  Schoolmaster's  Certificate  —  At  an  official  in- 
quiry into  the  sanity  of  a  young  man  of  large  prop- 
erty, witnesses  were  being  called  to  prove  that  he  was 
unfit  to  manage  his  affairs.  A  curious  slip  was  made 
by  a  schoolmaster  when  asked  if  he  had  formed  any 
opinion  as  to  the  state  of  mind  of  the  alleged  lunatic. 
*'0h,  yes,"  he  replied,  <<I  can  certify  he  is  an  idiot. 
He  was  one  of  my  favorite  pupils." 

Habits  must  be  acquired  of  industry  and  frugality. 
(Italics  should  follow  **  Habits.") 

Over-Training — Over-caution  and  over-preparation 
not  seldom  defeat  their  own  object.  Washington  Irv- 
ing tells  of  a  Dutchman,  who,  having  to  leap  a  ditch, 
went  back  three  miles  that  he  might  have  a  good  run  at 
it,  and  found  himself  so  completely  winded  when  he 
arrived  at  it  again  that  he  was  obliged  to  sit  down  on 
the  wrons:  side  to  recover  his  breath. 


■& 


Lawyers  generally  know  too  much  of  law  to 
have  a  very  clear  perception  of  justice,  just  as  divines 
are  often  too  deeply  read  in  theology  to  appreciate  the 
full  grandeur  and  the  proper  tendencies  of  religion. 
Losing  the  abstract  in  the  concrete,  the  comprehensive 

16 


242  BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

in  the  technical,  the  principal  in  its  accessories,  both 
are  in  the  predicament  of  the  rustic  who  could  not  see 
London  for  the  houses.  —  Tin  Trumpet. 

A  Wonderful  Fact — "I  have  been  in  a  country," 
said  a  Nebraska  j^reacher,  '*  where  the  hand  of  man  has 
never  set  a  foot." 

A  Safe  Key — "John,"  said  the  dealer,  <*  where  is 
the  key  to  this  self -locking  safe?  " 

<'Insoid,  sorr.     It'll  not  be  lost  there,  sorr." 

An  additional  number  of  sentinels  are  to  be  placed 
in  Hyde  Park  to  prevent  the  robberies  which  happened 
last  winter — London  Palmer. 

Maiden  Name  —  Lawyer  Stanley:  "You'll  have  to 
sign  your  maiden  name  to  that  document,  madam." 

Mrs.  Hooley  :  "Be  gorry,  we  hav  been  married  that 
long  I  forget  it.     Phwat  was  it,  Pat  ?  " 

Mr.  Hooley:  "Sure  I  used  t'  be  that  attentive  t' 
your  cousin  Katie  I  forget  meself  phwich  one  of  yez  I 
married." 

Sir  Morton  Peto  spoke  of  the  notion  that  the 
national  debt  might  be  repudiated  ^^nth  absolute  contempt. 
—  Spectator.      (Italics  should  follow  "  spoke.") 

Reductto  ad  Absurdum — (Reduction  to  an  absurd- 
ity), a  familiar  bit  of  logical  fence  by  which  the  argument 
or  proposition  is  carried  out  to  an  absurd  conclusion. 

A  recent  example  is  afforded  by  Mr.  Spurgeon's  re- 
buke to  certain  of  his  followers  who  refused  to  interfere 
in  politics  on  the  ground  that  they  were    "not  of  this 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  243 

world."  This,  he  argued,  was  mere  metaphor.  "You 
might  as  well,"  said  he,  "being  sheep  of  the  Lord,  de- 
cline to  eat  mutton  on  the  plea  that  it  would  be 
cannibalism." 

John  Wilkes  was  once  asked  by  a  Catholic  priest, 
"Where  was  the  Protestant  Church  before  Luther?" 
"Did  you  wash  your  face  this  morning?"  asked 
Wilkes.  "I  did,  sir."  "Then  where  was  your  face 
before  it  was  washed  ?  "  retorted  Wilkes. 

"Is  it  not  right,"  said  a  conservative,  advocating 
the  justice  and  propriety  of  an  hereditary  nobility, 
"  that,  in  order  to  hand  down  to  posterity  the  virtues  of 
those  who  have  been  eminent  for  their  services  to  their 
country,  their  posterity  should  enjoy  the  honors  con- 
ferred on  them  as  a  reward  for  such  services  ?"  *'By 
the  same  rule,"  replied  a  lady,  "  if  a  man  is  hanged  for 
his  misdeeds,  all  his  posterity  should  be  hanged  too."  — 
WALSH,  Literary   Curiosities. 

Pure  Milk  —  An  enterprising  man  just  embarking 
in  the  milk  business  distributed  circulars  announcing 
that  he  was  prepared  to  supply  "milk  of  the  first 
water." 

A  Vassar  Criticism —  "Shall  I  shovel  off  the  side- 
walk, ma'am?"  inquired   the  boy  with  the  snow-shovel. 

"No  ;  I  may  need  the  sidewalk  again,"  replied  the 
good  woman,  who  happened  to  be  a  Vassar  graduate. 
"You  may  remove  the  snow,  however."  —  Harper'' s 
Bazar. 

The  attempts  of  ignorant  or  half-educated  persons  to 
use  fine  or  sounding  words,  and  their  unconscious  substi- 
tution of  others  having  a  wholly  different  meaning,  are 


244  BULLS    AND   BLUNDERS. 

fruitful  sources  of  the  ludicrous.  The  colored  preacher, 
who,  after  listening  with  his  congregation  to  a  learned 
white  preacher's  sermon,  thanked  the  Lord  in  his  prayer 
for  *'  the  manner  in  which  the  Gospel  had  been  dis- 
pensed with,"  and  the  doctor  who,  referring  to  a  mys- 
terious event,  exclaimed,  "  the  ways  of  Providence  are 
unscrupulous,"     fall   within    this    category. — william 

MATHEWS,   LL.  D. 

There  was  a  leak  in  the  roof  last  night  and  it  ran 
all  over  the  house.  (What  was  it  —  the  leak,  the  roof, 
the  night,  or  the  rain  that  ran  over  the  house?) 

An  Early  Riser — "Pat,  you  must  be  an  early 
riser.  I  always  find  you  at  work  the  first  thing  in  the 
morning. " 

'^Indade,  an'  Oi  am,  sor.  It's  a  family  thrait,  Oi  do 
be  thinkin'." 

**Then  your  father  is  an  early  riser,  too,  eh?" 

*'Mefeyther,  is  it?  Faix,  an'  he  roises  that  early 
that  ef  he'd  go  to  bed  a  little  later  he'd  mate  himself 
gettin'  up  in  the  mornin'." 

Couldn't  Stand  Sitting  —  Judge  Woodward  was 
approached  by  a  Freeland  attorney  who  desired  to  have 
an  aged  townsman  of  his  excused  from  jury  duty.  The 
judge  demanded  the  reason  and  the  attorney  promptly 
answered,  "If  your  honor  please,  he  is  an  aged  man 
and  can't  stand  sitting." 

Judge  Woodward  quickly  saw  the  point,  and  admit- 
ted that  it  was  well  taken. 

Notice  in  Restaurant  Window  —  Wanted,  a  boy 
to  open  oysters  fifteen  years  old. 


BULLS    AND   BLUNDERS.  245 

Verdict  of  a  Coroner's  Jury.  —  We  find  that  the 
deceased  came  to  her  death  by  being  found  dead  in  her 
bed. 

Each  clergyman  declares  aloud  that  he  believes  it  a 
dozen  times  every  year  of  his  life.  —  anthon y  trollope. 
(Italics  should  come  last.) 

An  Irish  Statute.  —  The  Irish  Statute-book  opens 
characteristically  with,  "  An  act  that  the  King's  officers 
may  travel  by  sea  from  one  place  to  another  within  the 
land  of  Ireland."  —  heard,  Oddities  of  the  Law. 

Simplicity  of  Style  —  Miss  Bleecker,  of  New  York  : 
"Did  you  hear  that  Mr.  Gurley  was  short  in  his 
accounts  ? " 

Miss  Emerson,  of  Boston  :  "Yes  ;  I  learn  that  his 
computations  are  somewhat  abbreviated."  —  Judge. 

Connubial  Confab  —  "Arrah,  Pat,  and  why  did  I 
marry  ye?  jist  tell  me  that  —  for  it's  meself  that's  had  to 
maintain  ye  ever  since  the  blessed  day  that  Father 
O'Flanigan  sent  me  home  to  yer  house." 

"  Swate  jewul,"  replied  Pat,  not  relishing  the 
charge,  "and  it's  meself  that  hopes  I  may  live  to  see  the 
day  you're  a  widow,  waping  over  the  cowld  sod  that 
covers  me  ;  thin,  by  St.  Patrick,  I'll  see  how  ye  will  git 
along  widout  me,  honey." 

Swear  Not  at  All^ — Charles  Bannister,  on  being 
reproved  fo^  his  profanity  by  a  friend,  who  reminded 
him  of  the  commandment,  "Swear  not  at  all,"  replied, 
"I  do  not  swear  at  all.  I  only  swear  at  those  who  of- 
fend me." 


246  BULLS    AND   BLUNDERS. 

A  man  was  killed  by  a  railroad  car  running  into 
Boston,  supposed  to  he  deaf.  —  New  England  Paper. 
(Italics  should  follow  <'man.") 

Newgate  Prison — In  a  bill  for  pulling  down  the 
old  Newgate  in  Dublin  and  rebuilding  it  on  the  same 
spot,  it  was  enacted  that  the  prisoners  should  remain 
in  the  old  jail  till  the  new  one  was  completed. —  heard, 
Oddities  of  the  Law. 

Pronunciation  —  "I  sutn'y  does  hate  to  hyur  words 
mispernounced,"  said  Uncle  Jasper. 

"Whose  bin  a  mispernouncin'?  "  asked  his  wife. 

"Jenkins  Walker.  He  wus  talkin'  'bout  de  conven- 
tion, an'  said  enthusenasm  twice  'stead  of  enthusal- 
asm." 

The  minister  who  grows  less  by  his  elevation,  like  a 
little  statue  on  a  mighty  pedestal^  will  always  have  his 
jealousy  strong  about  him.  (Italics  should  follow 
"who.") 

Life  Preservers — "Phwat  are  these  things  yez 
have  nailed  an  the  roof  ?  "  asked  an  Irishman  on  a  Poto- 
mac River  steamboat. 

"  Those  are  life-preservers.  If  anything  happens  to 
the  boat,  you  could  take  one  of  those  and  swim  ashore." 

"  Och,  be  hivins,  it's  meself  'ud  sooner  dhrown  than 
jump  intel  any  such  cowld  wather  as  that." 

Proverbial  Wisdom  —  Moral  teachers^are  fond  of 
encouraging  us  with  various  good  proverbs,  such  as 
Labor  omnia  vincit.  It  is  difficult  to  say  exactly  what 
is  meant  by    "Labor    overcomes   all  things,"   unless  it 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  247 

it  be  that  a  sufficient  amount  of  labor  will  accomplish 
any  practicable  scheme.  But  of  course  it  does  not  fol- 
low that,  because  a  great  collective  amount  of  labor  will 
build  a  pyramid,  or  make  a  canal,  or  compile  a  cyclope- 
dia, therefore  a  single  person's  individual  labor  can  do 
such  tasks.  The  proverb  has  little  or  no  value,  because 
every  person  can  give  his  own  meaning  to  ''all  things." 
It  is  said  again  .that  "What  man  has  done,  that  man 
can  do."  As  I  am  a  man  I  might  infer  logically  from 
these  premises  that  I  can  swim  across  the  channel  like 
Captain  Webb,  or  write  a  Paradise  Lost  like  Milton,  or 
discover  a  new  way  of  making  steel  like  Bessemer,  or 
conquer  an  empire  like  Clive.  The  only  way  in  which 
the  proverb  is  really  true  is  that,  among  a  collection  of 
a  great  many  millions  of  men,  we  can  find  those  who 
can  do  all  these  things.  Proverbs  often  seem  wise, 
because  they  are  very  ambiguous. — ^  Jevons,  Logic. 

This  book  provides  a  treatise  which  will  be  of  prac- 
tical use  to  judges  m  a  compact  form.  (Italics  should 
follow  "provides.") 

A  Different  Implement — Judge:  "And  you  say 
the  prisoner  came  up  and  assaulted  you  with  malice 
aforethought?  " 

Witness:  "No,  sah  ;  he  didn't  use  no  sech  impler- 
ment  as  dat.  He  jes'  hit  me  wid  er  club,  sah."  —  West 
Shore. 

An  Attorney's  Deposition  —  Dr.  Grey,  in  his  eru- 
dite and  entertaining  notes  on  Hudibras,  records  the 
deposition  of  a  lawyer,  that  "the  defendant  beat  his 
client  with  a  certain  wooden  instrument  called  an  iron 
pestle."  —  Edgeworth. 


248  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

Alone  —  An  Irish  lover  remarks  that  it  is  a  great 
comfort  to  be  alone,  ' '  especially  when  yer  swateheart  is 
wid  ye." 

One  on  the  Professor  —  Professor,  to  pupil  whom 
he  has  caught  mimicking  him:  "Mr.  Jones,  if  you  don't 
stop  acting  like  a  fool,  I  shall  send  you  from  the  class." 
—  Time, 

I  found  it  in  the  southwest  corner  of  the  lot  under  a 
bee-hive.     (Italics  should  follow  "it.") 

Punctuation  —  A  magazine  editor  once  received  a 
long  story,  in  which  there  was  not  a  single  mark  of 
punctuation  except  an  occasional  period.  At  the  bottom 
of  the  last  page  the  author  had  written,  "Please  put  in 
the  decimal  points  to  suit." 

An  Advertisement  —  McFadden  :  "  Faith,  and  why 
do  yez  charge  me  twenty-five  cents  fer  a  hair  cut  when 
your  sign  sez ,     '  First-class  hair  cut  for  fifteen  cents  ? '  " 

French  Barber:  "Ah,  but,  monsieur,  your  hair  eez 
not  first-class." — Quips. 

Contemptible — It  is  not  uncommon  to  hear  persons 
say,  "I  have  a  contemptible  opinion  of  the  man,"  by 
which  they  mean  not  that  their  opinion  is  contemptible, 
but  that  the  man  is. 

The  familiar  anecdote  of  Doctor  Parson  furnishes  a 
good  illustration  both  of  the  incorrect  and  of  the  correct 
use  of  this  word.  Some  one  having  said  to  the  Doctor, 
<*My  opinion  of  you  is  most  contemptible,"  Parson  re- 
plied, ' '  I  never  knew  an  opinion  of  yours  that  was  not 
contemptible. " —  hart,  Co?npositio7i  and  Rhetoric. 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  249 

Found  Him — "Did  you  find  Mr.  Spriggins,  Patrick." 

''I  did,  sorr." 

*' What  did  he  say?" 

"Niver  a  worrud,  sorr." 

**Notaword?" 

<'Not  a  worrud,  sorr." 

'*Why  not,  Patrick?" 

''Because  he  was  out,  sorr." 

«'  Out !     I  thought  you  said  you  found  him  ?" 

"I  did,  sorr;  I  found  him  out." 

Wanted  —  An  industrious"  man  to  take  charge  of 
three  thousand  sheep  %oho  can  speak  German.  New 
Zealand  advertisement.     (Italics  should  follow   "man.") 

Cremation  —  Mr.  A.  P.  Rehension  :  "Cremation 
Society?  What?  Cremated?  No,  siree — not  as  long 
as  I  live." — Light. 

Inscription  on  a  British  Finger-Post — 

Had  you  seen  these  roads  before  they  were  made, 
You'd  lift  up  your  eyes  and  bless  Marshal  Wade. 

French-English — A  Frenchman  of  some  literary 
distinction,  after  studying  English  for  a  few  months, 
wrote  to  an  American  friend,  "  In  small  time  I  can  learn 
so  many  English  as  I  think  I  will  come  at  the  America 
and  go  on  to  the  scaifold  to  lecture." 

Mixed  Metaphors  —  There  is  no  place  like  the 
House  of  Commons  for  a  "nice  derangement  of  meta- 
phor." A  well-known  member  talked  not  long  ago  of 
the  "bleating  of  a  bruised  worm ;  "  but  it  will  be  a  long 
time  before  we  shall  have  a    "mixture"  equal  to  the 


250  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

outburst  of  an  eif usive  orator  wbo  said,  "The  British 
Lion,  whether  it  is  roaming  the  deserts  of  India  or  climb- 
ing the  forests  of  Canada,  will  not  draw  in  its  horns  or 
retire  into  its  shell." 

My  purpose  is  to  bring  the  benefits  of  a  high  protec- 
tive tariff  into  prominence.  (Italics  should  follow 
"bring.") 

Better  Left  Unsaid  —  First  stranger :  ' '  Slow,  isn't 
it?" 

Second  stranger  :   ' '  Yes,  very. " 

*' Let's  go  home." 

''I  can't.     I'm  the  host." 

Telegraphic  —  Mistress:  "I  am  so  sorry  your 
brother  is  ill.     What  does  the  telegram  say  ?  " 

Miss  O'Hoolihan  :  *'  Not  much,  mum.  But  it's  the 
tilygram  that  makes  me  fear  he's  a-dyin'.  His  hand- 
writin'  is  that  changed  I'd  never  know  it  at  all,  at  all." 

Forgot  Himself  —  When  one  of  the  sons  of  the 
Emperor  of  Austria  called  his  brother  the  greatest  ass  in 
Vienna,  the  emperor,  who  was  present  and  highly 
offended  at  their  quarrel,  exclaimed,  '*  You  forget  that 
I  am  present." 

The  Minister's  Conclusions  —  A  country  clergy- 
man on  a  certain  occasion  chose  for  his  text  a  passage 
from  the  Scrij^tures  which  had  been  variously  interpreted, 
and,  on  concluding  his  sermon  he  said,  "These  are  the 
conclusions  I  have  reached  after  the  most  diligent  study, 
but  I  must  inform  you  that  the  commentators  disagree 
with  me,"     He  was  somewhat  astonished  the  next  day 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  261 

to  receive  a  big  bag  of  potatoes  with  the  following  note  : 
"  Reverend  and  Dear  Sir  —  You  told  us  this  mornin'  as 
how  common  taturs  didn't  agree  with  you.  I  hope  as 
how  choice  kidneys  does." 

Fits  —  A  shoemaker  has  a  card  in  his  window  read- 
ing, "Any  respectable  man,  woman,  or  child  can  have  a 
fit  in  this  store."  —  Bangkok  Times. 

Specimens  of  British  Scholarship — Miss  A.  C. 
Graham,  of  Annerley,  has  received  a  prize  from  the 
University  Correspondent  for  the  best  collection  of  school- 
boy "howlers  ;"  and  they  are  printed  in  that  periodical. 
In  an  accompanying  letter  Miss  Graham  says,  "When 
I  learned  one  day  the  remarkable  fact  that  '  Hied  and 
Odessa  translated  Euripides,'  I  felt  that  the  time  had 
come  for  action  ;  I  was  seized  with  a  burning  desire  to 
share  with  others  my  joy  in  these  facts,  and  as  a  means 
of  spreading  the  *New  Learning,'  I  began  to  collect 
from  examination  papers  and  answers  in  class  whatever 
would  throw  new  light  on  old  subjects.  I  have  been 
some  years  at  it  now,  and  have  pleasure  in  sending  you 
the  subjoined  twelve  extracts  from  my  'gems.'  They 
are  all  bona  fide  answers,  the  spelling  and  punctuation 
being  unchanged  ;  in  most  cases  I  have  still  the  original 
documents  from  which  they  are  taken."  Among 
"selected  specimens"  from  Miss  Graham  and  others, 
are  the  following : 

Divinity.  —  Esau  was  a  man  who  wrote  fables  and 
who  sold  the  copyright  to  a  publisher  for  a  bottle  of 
potash. 

English  History.  —  Oliver  Cromwell  was  a  mai^  who 
was  put  into  prison  for  his  interference  in  Ireland. 
When  he  was  in  he  wrote   "The  Pilgrim's  Progress" 


252  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

and  married  a  lady  called  Mrs.  O'Shea.  Wolsey  was  a 
famous  general  who  fought  in  Crimean  War,  and  who, 
after  being  decapitated  several  times,  said  to  Cromwell, 
*'Ah,  if  I  had  only  served  you  as  you  have  served  me, 
I  would  not  have  been  deserted  in  my  old  age. " 

Definitions.  —  Phoenicians,  the  inventors  of  Phoen- 
ician blinds.  Bacchanal,  a  native  of  Bechuana,  in 
South  Africa.  Chimsera,  a  thing  used  to  take  like- 
nesses w^ith.  Watershed,  a  place  in  which  boats  are 
stored  in  winter.  Gender,  is  the  way  whereby  we  tell 
what  sex  a  man  is.  Cynical,  a  cynical  lump  of  sugar 
is  one  pointed  at  the  top.  Immaculate,  state  of  those 
who  have  passed  the  entrance  examination  at  London 
University.  Hydrostatics,  is  when  a  mad  dog  bites 
you.  It  is  called  hydrophobia  when  a  dog  is  mad  and 
hydrostatics  when  a  man  catches  it. 

English  TjCinguage  and  Literature. —  Keats  wrote  a 
savage  criticism  on  Endymion,  which  brought  on  con- 
sumption. The  sonnet  is  a  thing  that  has  in  its  first  four 
lines  (two)  meteors  (quartan)  and  in  its  last  six  two  me- 
teors (turzette).  Latin  of  the  fourth  period  was  intro- 
duced into  the  language  at  the  invention  of  Christianity, 
597  A.  D.,  when  the  nobility  and  gentry  s^^oke  latin. 

3Iiscellaneous. —  Briefly  describe  tlie  heart  and  its 
functions  or  work.  The  heart  is  a  comical  shaped  bag. 
The  heart  is  divided  into  several  parts  by  a  fleshy  peti- 
tion. These  parts  are  called  right  artillery,  left  artillery, 
and  so  forth.  The  functions  of  the  heart  is  between  the 
lungs.  The  w^ork  of  the  heart  is  to  repair  the  different 
organs  in  about  half  a  minute.  What  fossil  remains  do 
we  find  of  fishes?  In  some  rocks  we  find  the  fossil  foot- 
prints of  fishes.  What  are  the  metamorphic  rocks? 
Rocks  that  contain  metaphors.  What  is  a  Republican? 
A  Republican  is  a  siiiner  mentioned  in  the  Bible.     The 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  253 

two  chief  volcanoes  in  Europe?     Sodom  and  Go  mor- 
rah. —  London  Globe, 

A  Dining  Invitation  —  Jones  received  the  follow- 
ing note  from  a  friend:  *'Come  and  dine  with  me 
to-morrow  at  the  Gaiety,  with  two  or  three  friends." 
Jones,  who  is  a  very  literal  fellow,  turned  up  at  the 
appointed  hour  with  —  three  of  his  friends. 

Heard  in  a  Station — Hurrying  woman:  "What 
time  does  the  next  train  go?" 

Patient  official:   "  Ten  minutes." 

Hurrying  woman:   *' And  the  one  before  that?  " 

An  Irish  Reason — "What  are  you  writing  such  a 
big  hand  for,  Pat?  " 

<• '  Why,  you  see  that  my  grandmother  is  daf e,  and  I 
am  writing  a  loud  letter  to  her." 

To-Let  —  A  house  in  a  pleasant  suburb  containing 
ten  rooms.      (Italics  should  follow  "  To-Let.") 

Quaint  Phraseology —  A  colored  minister  on  the  de- 
parture of  one  of  his  prominent  members  prayed  :  ' '  Rough 
shod  his  feet  wid  de  preparation  ob  de  gospel  o'  peace. 
Nail  his  ear  to  de  gospel  pole.  Gib  him  de  eye  ob  de 
eagle  dat  he  can  spy  out  sin  afar  off.  Wax  his  hand  to 
de  gospel  plow.  Tie  his  tongue  to  de  line  of  truf. 
Keep  his  feet  in  de  narrer  way  an'  his  soul  in  de  channel 
ob  faith.  Bow  his  head  low  beneaf  his  knees,  an'  his 
knees  way  down  in  some  lonesome  valley  where  prayer 
an'  supplication  is  much  wanted  to  be  made.  Hedge  an' 
ditch  'bout  him,  good  Lord,  an'  keep  him  in  de  straight 
an'  narrer  way  dat  leads  on  to  heaven." 


254  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

Prescription  —  Doctor:  <<What!  your  dyspepsia  no 
better?  Did  you  follow  my  advice  and  drink  hot  water 
one  hour  before  breakfast?  " 

Patient:  "I  did  my  best,  doctor,  but  I  couldn't  keep 
it  up  for  more  than  ten  minutes  at  a  stretch." 

Trousers  —  A  begging  letter  asking  for  a  cast-off 
trousers  closed  pathetically  with  these  words,  "So  send 
me,  most  honored  sir,  the  trousers,  and  they  will  be 
woven  into  the  laurel  crown  of  your  good  deeds." 

Intemperance  is  the  great  moral  evil  at  which  it  is 
aimed,  by  the  concession  of  all  mankind.-  (Italics  should 
follow  "is"). 

The  Honor  to  be  Noticed  —  An  exquisitely  po- 
lite expression  of  an  English  Royal  Society  member  re- 
ferring to  "the  earthquake  that  had  the  honor  to  be 
noticed  by  the  Royal  Society." 

Foreign  Criticism  —  Intelligent  foreigner,  on  the 
absurdities  of  the  English  language  :  "When  I  discov- 
ered that  if  I  was  quick  I  was  fast,  if  I  stood  firm  I  was 
fast,  if  I  spent  too  freely  I  was  fast,  and  that  not  to  eat 
was  to  fast,  I  was  discouraged ;  but  when  I  came 
across  the  sentence  *The  first  one  won  one  one-dollar 
prize,'  I  was  tempted  to  give  up  English  and  learn  some 
other  language." 

Superlatively  Loyal  — "  Harvard,"  wrote  one  youth 
who  wished  to  be  superlatively  loyal,  "  is  the  peer  of  all 
American  Colleges."  Which  means,  of  course,  only 
that  Harvard  is  as  good  a  college  as  any  other.  —  Bar- 
rett WENDELL,  English  Con^position, 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  256 

A  Successful  Career  —  A  newspaper,  in  noting  the 
successful  career  of  a  venerable  man  who  has  just  died, 
makes  the  startling  statement  that  he  ''was  born  with- 
out a  shilling  in  his  pocket." 

Unanimity  —  A  member  of  Parliament,  who  claims 
to  be  specially  accomplished,  said,  in  a  late  discussion, 
that  ''Hhe  unanimity  of  the  House  icas  much  greater  on 
a  certain  question  last  year  than  this." 

The  engagement  of  Mr.  Smith  is  announced  to  Miss 
Jones.      (Italics  should  follow  "Smith.") 

Embalming  —  Use  Our  Own  Embalming  Fluid  If 
You  Wish  Pleasant  Results. —  Undertaker's  Advertise- 
ment. 

Secret — "My  dear  Murphy,"  said  an  Irishman  to 
his  friend,  "Why  did  you  betray  the  secret  I  told 
you?" 

"Is  it  betraying  you  call  it?  Sure,  when  I  found  I 
wasn't  able  to  keep  it,  didn't  I  do  well  to  tell  it  to  some 
one  who  could." 

The  train  ran  into  a  wagon  loaded  with  an  iron  tank 
and  broke  it.  —  JVeios  Item.  (What  was  broken  —  the 
tank  or  the  wagon?  ) 

Wanted  —  A  man  and  his  wife  as  caretakers  for  a 
gentleman's  country  house.  One  must  be  sober.  — 
Derry  (Ireland)  Signal. 

Quadrennial  —  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Blossom,  of  St.  Louis, 
were  discussing  the  woman  question  now  agitating  the 


256  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

Methodist  Episcopal  Church.  "The  General  Confer- 
ence, in  which  it  is  proposed  that  women  shall  sit  as 
delegates,  is  a  quadrennial  body,"  remarked  Blossom. 
*' Yes,"  replied  Mrs.  Blossom,  "I  know  that;  but  how 
often  does  it  meet?  "  —  Chicago  Inter-  Ocean. 

Clerical  Slips  —  A  gentleman  said  to  a  minister, 
*<When  do  you  expect  to  see  Deacon  S.  again?" 
<*Never,"  was  the  solemn  reply,  "the  deacon  is  in 
heaven."  Another  minister,  discoursing  uj3on  Bunyan 
and  his  works,  cj^ised  a  titter  among  his  hearers  by 
exclaiming,  "In  thj^se  days,  my  brethren,  we  want  more 
Bunyans."  And  still  another  minister  pleading  earnestly 
with  his  parishioners  for  the  construction  of  a  cemetery 
for  their  parish,  asked  them  to  consider  the  "deplorable 
condition  of  thirty  thousand  Christian  Englishmen  liv- 
ing without  Christian  burial." 

An  Irish  Wake — "What  are  you  doing,  Pat- 
rick? " 

"  Wakin'  up  your  husband,  ma'am." 

"But  why?" 

"Because  it's  ten  o'clock,  ma'am,  whin  I  was  to 
give  him  the  dhrops  to  make  him  shlape." 

She  said  that  if  she  hadn't  her  little  child  to  keep 
her  company  that  she  would  go  crazy.  (Who  would  go 
crazy?  ) 

Very  Precise — It  is  almost  impossible  to  tell  a 
funny  story  to  the  listener  who  insists  upon  precise 
statements  and  the  proper  use  of  words.  "I  want  to  tell 
you  something  funny  that  happened  to  me  this  morn- 
ing," said  Spatts,  cheerfully.     "I  started  down  street 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  257 

after  my  laundry,  and — "  ''You  mean  you  went  after 
your  washing,  I  suppose,"  Hunker  interrupted.  ''  I  im- 
agine you  don't  really  own  a  laundry."  "Of  course 
that's  what  I  mean,"  said  Spatts,  a  trifle  less  cheerily. 
"Well,  I  had  gone  but  a  little  ways  — "  "I  presume 
you  mean  a  little  way,  not  a  little  ways,"  corrected 
Hunker,  "I  presume  so,"  admitted  Spatts,  but  the 
cheerfulness  was  all  gone  out  of  his  manner.  *' As  I  was 
going  to  say,  I  had  gone  but  a  little  way  when  it  hap- 
pened. It  tickled  me  so  I  thought'  I'd  just  have  to  lay 
down  and  die."  "  Lie  down  and  di  j,  not  lay  down,  is 
the  correct  form  of  the  verb."  "  On,  yes,  I  know;  but 
those  kind  of  errors  seem  to  come  natural — "  "Not 
those  kind  of  errors,  my  dear  boy.  Say  that  kind  of  er- 
rors. But  go  on  with  your  funny  story.  I'm  getting 
interested."  "Are  you?  Well,  I've  lost  my  interest 
in  it.  I  don't  believe  there  was  anything  funny  in  it, 
after  all.  Good-day."  Flushed  and  visibly  annoyed, 
Spatts  strode  away.  "Now,  I  wonder  if  I've  offended 
him  !  "  thought  Hunker. 

A  sentence  should  contain  every  word  wj^ich  is  neces- 
sary to  the  efficient  communication  of  thought  or  feeling. 
(Omit  italics.) 

Anti-Suicide  Bill — What  could  be  better  as  a  bull- 
ish example  tlian  the  speech  of  the  country  member  at 
Albany  —  an  Irishman,  too — when  the  anti-suicide  bill 
was  being  discussed,  and  heavy  penalties  were  being 
considered  in  order  to  deter  persons  from  taking  their 
own  lives.  "I  move  that  it  be  made  a  capital  of- 
fence," exclaimed  the  member  quite  seriously.  "No 
man  or  woman  would  ever  attempt  suicide  a  second  time 
if  punished  that  way." 


258  BULLS  AND  blundp:rs. 

Positively  No  Trust  —  We  do  not  believe  that  any 
mere  unaided   wit  could  have  produced  so  startling  a 
sign  as  this  in  a  German  lager-beer  saloon : 
Bosidevele 

No 
Droschdt. 

Absent-Minded  —  Maid  servant:  ''Professor,  oh, 
professor  !  just  think,  I  have  swallowed  a  pin  !  " 

Absent-minded  professor:  "Never  mind;  here  is 
another  one." — Fliegende  Ulcetter. 

An  Ambiguotts  Compliment  —  She  :  "How  was  your 
speech  at  the  club-house  received  the  other  night  ?  " 

He:  "When  I  salt  down  they  sai4  it  was  the  best 
thing  I  ever  did." —  Life. 

Several  property  owners  have  filed  a  remonstrance  to 
the  proposed  widening  of  Chestnut  Hill  Avenue  with  the 
Broohlme  select  men. —  Boston  Paper.  (Italics  should 
follow  "filed.") 

A  Matter  op  Education  —  Bailie  Sawnum:  "Of 
course  I  want  Wullie  to  hae  a  guid  eddycation  ;  in  fac, 
I'm  thinkin'  o'  sendin'  him  to  the  ceemetery  at  Roth- 
say." 

Councillor  Troot  :  "The  ceemetery?  Ah,  ye'll  be 
wantin'  him  to  learn  the  dead  languages,  eh?  " 

B.  S.,  who  does  not  see  it  :      "Of  coorse  ;  deed  and 


A  deer  was  shot  by  Professor  Jones  weighing  nine 
hundred  pounds. —  Adirondack  News.  (Italics  should 
follow  "deer.") 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  259 

Canning  —  A  Western  newspaper  closes  an  article 
about  the  canning  enterprises  of  Yuba  City  by  saying, 
<*No  Chinese  are  employed,  and  fourteen  thousand  are 
put  up  daily." 

Obeying  Instructions  —  Mistress  :  ''  You  must  tell 
them  a  white  lie,  Bridget,  and  say  I  have  gone  out  of 
town." 

Bridget,  to  visitors :  *'  The  mistress  says  I  must  tell 
yez  a  white  lie,  and  that  she's  gone  out  of  town." 

Ice-Cream — *<Miss  Snowball,  will  yoh  participate 
in  some  moah  ice-cream?  " 

Miss  Snowball:  *'No  moah,  Mister  Johnsing.  I 
likes  ice-cream  once  in  a  while,  but  not  as  a  beverage. 
Please  'sense  me."  —  Texas  Sif tings. 

An  Irish  Doctor  —  An  Irish  doctor  advertises  that 
the  deaf  may  hear  of  him  at  a  house  in  Liffey  Street, 
where  his  blind  patients  may  see  him  from  10  till  3. 

Hogs  —  Can  you  tell  me  how  long  hogs  should  be  fed  ? 
—  Agricultural  Paper.      (The  same  as  short  ones.) 

A  Confusion  of  Ideas  —  An  English  student,  when 
asked  what  progress  he  had  made  in  the  study  of  medi- 
cine, modestly  replied,  *'I  hope  I  shall  soon  be  fully 
qualified  to  be  a  physician,  for  I  think  I  am  now  able  to 
cure  a  child." 

Impossible — ^Now  bid  me  run, 

And  I  will  strive  with  things  impossible; 
Yea,    get   the   better    of     them. — Shakespeare, 
Julius  CcBsar. 


260  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

A  man  was  arrested  this  morning  for  stealing  a  string 
of  fish  very  much  under  the  influence  of  liquor.  (Italics 
should  follow  "  man."  ) 

Irish  Painting  —  An  Irishman  once  ordered  a  painter 
to  draw  his  picture,  and  to  represent  him  standing  behind 
a  tree. 

Heavy  —  Postmaster:  "This  letter  is  too  heavy  ;  it 
wants  another  stamp." 

Mrs.  Jones,  slightly  bewildered:  "Why,  that  will 
make  it  heavier  still." 

The  carriage  stopped  at  the  small  gate  which  led  by 
a  short  gravel  walk  to  the  house  amidst  the  nods  and 
smiles  of  the  whole  party, — miss  austen,  Pride  and 
Prejudice.     (Italics  should  stand  first.) 

Familiar  Quotations  —  Two  members  of  Congress 
laid  a  wager  on  an  abstruse  point.  One  bet  the  other 
that  he  could  not  repeat  the  Lord's  Prayer.  The  chal- 
lenged party  straightway  commenced: 
"Now  I  lay  me  down  to  sleep, 
I  pray  the  Lord  my  soul  to  keep  —  " 
"  The  money's  yours,"  interrupted  the  challenger  ;  "but 
I  really  didn't  think  you  knew  it."  An  equally  good 
story  is  told  of  an  English  M.  P.,  a  gentleman  of  sport- 
ing proclivities,  who  knew  more  about  race-horses  than 
about  the  Bible.  Out  of  pure  mischief  he  was  asked 
by  one  of  his  constituents  if  he  would  vote  for  the 
abolition  of  the  Decalogue.  Not  kngwing  what  that 
was,  but  anxious  to  preserve  his  own  consistency,  he  re- 
plied, "I  won't  pledge  myself,  but  I'll  give  it  my  con- 
sideration." 


BULLS    AND   BLUNDERS.  261 

Birthday  Regrets  —  Daisy,  aged  seven:  "Mam- 
ma, I  don't  like  Kitty  Smith,  and  I  don't  want  to  go 
to  her  old  birthday  party.     What  shall  I  do?  " 

Mother:     <'  Why,  send  your  regrets." 

This  is  what  Daisy  wrote  :  '*  My  Dear  Kitty  —  I  am 
very  sorry  that  you  are  going  to  have  a  birthday  party. 

Daisy  Jinks." 

Mixed  Metaphor  —  Oliver  Wendell  Holmes  had  a 
good  deal  of  fun  poked  at  him  for  his  mixed  metaphor, 
*<  Young  blood  ought  to  be  heard." 

Partially,  Perhaps  —  A  preacher  in  one  of  the 
fashionable  London  churches  is  reported  to  have  said, 
"St.  Paul  remarks,  and  I  partially  agree  with  him." 
This  reminds  us  of  the  judge  who,  in  sentencing  a  pris- 
oner to  death,  observed,  "Prisoner  at  the  bar,  you  will 
soon  have  to  appear  before  another  and  perhaps  a  better 
Judge." 

Bones  —  Grind  your  own  bones.  —  Agricultural 
Paper, 

Undertaker's  Advertisement  —  We  Invite  Spe- 
cial Attention  to  Our  New  Line  of  Shrouds.  Those  in 
Need  of  Them  Will  Please  Call. 

Oi>d'Notices — A  gentleman  near  Winchester  made 
a  rockery  in  front  of  his  house  in  which  he  planted 
some  beautiful  ferns,  and  having  put  up  the  following 
notice  found  it  more  efficient  and  less  expensive  than 
spring  guns  or  mantraps.  The  fear  inspiring  inscription 
was,  "Beggars,  beware!  Scolopendrums  and  poly- 
podiums  are  set  here." 


262  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

The  walls  of  a  gentleman's  house  near  Edinburgh 
some  years  ago  exhibited  a  board,  on  which  was  painted 
a  threat  quite  as  difficult  for  the  trespasser  to  under- 
stand as  the  preceding  :  ' '  Any  person  entering  these 
inclosures  will  be  shot  and  prosecuted." 

Depravity  —  An  old  lady  addressing  a  prayer  meet- 
ing said,  with  much  fervor,  "  Ther's  that  blessed 
doctrine  of  universal  depravity.  What  a  comfort  it  is 
if  we  only  live  up  to  it." 

Humor  of  the  Maryborough  Court  —  Among  the 
humors  of  the  Court  at  Maryborough  were  the  remarks 
of  jurors  to  whom  objections  had  been  made  on  the 
part  of  the  defence.  One  juryman  complained  that  he 
had  been  brought  to  the  Court  three  times  a  year,  and 
each  time  made  an  April  fool  of. 

A  Railroad  Bull  —  The  funny  announcement  is 
made  in  Chicago  by  the  Atchison  people  that  when  their 
road  to  St.  Louis  —  which  is  thirty-four  miles  the  longest 
route  —  is  open  they  will  make  as  good  time  as  the  other 
railroads     <'by  starting  their    trains    an   hour    sooner." 

This  is  the  best  railroad  bull  of  the  year New   York 

Herald. 

He  said  that  he  would  be  back  this  morning  this 
afternoon.      (Italics  should  follow  '*  said."  ) 

Expert  Testimony  —  Judge,  to  witness  :  *' Who  are 
you  ?  " 

Witness,  who  is  a  physician:  *'I  am  an  insane  ex- 
pert, your  honor." 

Judge,  with  dignity  :   ''  Oh,  you  are  ?     Well,  get  out 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  263 

of  this.     We  don't  want  any  crazy  people  giving  testi- 
mony in  this  court." —  Washington  Star. 

Consoling       Irish     Doctor — "  Begorra    and    I've 
knocked  the  fever  out  of  him.     That  is  one  good  thing." 

Wife  of  patient:   *'0,  doctor,  do  you  think  there  is 
any  hope  ?  " 

*' Small  chance  of  that,  marm ;  but  ye'll  have  the 
satisfaction  of  knowin'  that  he  died  cured." 

John  promised  his  father  that  he  would  pay  his 
debts.      (Whose  debts  —  John's  or  his  father's  ?) 

Scrubbing  —  Sign  painter:  ''Now,  Missus  John- 
sing,  what  does  you  want  on  dis  yer  sign?" 

Missus  Johnsing,  after  a  moment  of  deep  thought: 
"I  guess  '  Goin'  out  scrubbin'  done  in  here,' will  do, 
Mr.  Brown." 

An  Indiana  Jury  —  An  Indiana  jury  returned  a 
written  verdict  of  "  Blode  tu  peces  bi  the  biler  bustin'." 

Bill  of  Fare  —  Mr.  Hyde,  of  Hyde  &  Tallow,  Chi- 
cago :     "Waiter,  I  want  a  dinner." 

Waiter:  ''Vill  ze  gentleman  haf  tahle-cT hote  or  a 
la  carte?  " 

Mr.  Hyde  :  ''Bring  me  a  little  of  both,  and  have 
'em  put  lots  of  gravy  on  it." 

We  thank  you  for  the  sweet  singing  canary  sent  us  a 
thousand  times.     (Italics  should  follow"  thank  you.") 

Peace  in  War  —  A  member  of  the  Irish  House  of 
Commons  once  remarked  in  that  place,  that  "  Sure  the 


^64:  BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS. 

French  were  the  most  restless  nation  in  the  world ; 
they  will  never  be  at  peace  till  they  are  engaged  in 
another  war." 

A  Loose  Sta.tement  —  A  paper,  giving  an  account 
of  Toulouse,  in  France,  says,  "It  is  a  large  town, 
containing  60,000  inhabitants  built  entirely  of  brick." 

Erratum — The  words  printed  "pigs  "  and  "cows" 
in  Mr.  Parker's  letter  on  the  land  question,  which  ap- 
peared in  yesterday's  issue,  should  have  been  "pro's" 
and  ' '  con's. " —  Cork  Paper. 

Three  Democratic  journals  have  repudiated  his  sug- 
gestions without  much  ceremo7iy.^-N.  Y.  Paper. 
(Italics  should  follow  "have.") 

To  Let  —  This  house  is  to  be  let  forever,  or  longer 
if  required. 

A  Green.  Policeman — "Do  you  think  it  will  rain 
to-night  ?  "  asked  a  citizen  of  the  policeman. 

"  Oi  don't  know,  sorr;  Oi've  only  been  on  the  force 
wan  wake,"  replied  the  policeman. 

We  —  A  comical  use  of  the  editorial  "we"  is  Pat- 
rick Ford's  statement  in  the  Irish  Worlds  "  We  came  to 
this  country  when  a  child  of  eight  years." 

Amputation — Reassuring  Irish  surgeon,  to  patient 
whose  legs  he  has  just  amputated :  "  And  now,  my  good 
fellow,  cheer  up.  Keep  a  stiff  upper  lip  and  remain 
calm,  and  in  six  weeks,  I  pledge  you  my  word,  I'll  have 
you  on  your  feet  again." 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  265 

Bric-a-Brac  —  A  reporter  describing  a  collection  of 
bric-a-brac  says,  "  The  visitor's  eye  will  be  struck  on 
entering  the  room  with  a  porcelain  umbrella." 

The  company  is  authorized  to  manufacture  steel  rails 
by  statute.     ( Italics  should  follow  "authorized."  ) 

An  Irish  Hearing  —  Two  Irish  servants  were  quar- 
reling. "  Shure,"  said  the  one,  ''an'  didn't  Oi  hear' 
yer  masther  comin'  in  after  half  pasht  four  av  the 
noight."  "An'  shure,"  retorted  the  other,  "  an  didn't 
Oi  hear  yer  masther  not  comin'  home  at  all  lasht 
noight.  " 

Ambiguous  Warranty — "That  bicycle  I  bought 
for  my  little  boy  only  three  weeks  ago  has  gone  all  to 
pieces,"  said  the  fair  customer.  "  Yes'm.  You  re- 
member I  warranted  it  to  go  fast,"  replied  the  dealer. 

All  Right —  "O,  Mrs.  Snappy  !  I  saw  your  husband 
in  the  park  with  three  or  four  ladies  around  him." 

"That's  all  right;  but  let  me  catch  him  with  one 
lady  around  him." 

A  Bad  Spell — "Father,  how  do  you  spell  philos- 
opher?" "  Wid  a  large  F,  of  course  —  how  else?  I 
wish  yez  wouldn't  be  botherin'  me  wid  things  yez  ought 
to  know  yerself." 

Following  Directions  —  Mrs.  Finnigan:  "He's 
no  better,  doctor.  You  towld  me  to  give  him  as  much 
of  the  powder  as  would  lay  on  a  sixpence.  I  hadn't  a 
sixpence,  but  I  gave  him  as  much  as  would  go  on  live 
pennies ;  and  its  done  him  no  good  at  all,  at  all." 


266  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

A  Prohibitory  Law —  In  the  year  1463  Parliament 
passed  a  law  which  prohibited  anyone  from  wearing 
shoes  '*  with  toes  more  than  two  inches  longer  than  the 
foot." 

She  is  corroborated  by  her  daughter  to  some  extent  " 
Charge  of  Court.  (Italics  should  follow  *'is,"  or 
begin  the  sentence. ) 

Simply  Perfection — Shoe  dealer,  for  the  sake  of 
adding  the  strength  of  another  favorable  opinion  :  "Ah, 
madam,  but  that  shoe  is  simply  perfection  upon  your 
foot.  James,  how  do  you  think  Mrs.  DeHoof's  foot 
looks  in  this  shoe?  " 

New  clerk,  anxious  not  to  fall  short  in  his  enthusi- 
asm :     ' '  Immense. "  —  Harper'' s  Bazar. 

Mrs.  Noorich  Goes  into  Art  —  "Is  this  Mr. 
Mize?"  "Yes",  madam."  "The  painter  of  minia- 
tures?" "Yes,  madam."  "  What'U  you  charge  to 
paint  a  life-size  miniature  of  my  daughter?  " — New  York 
Sun. 

Sea-shore —  "  Bedad,"  says  Mr.  O'Hooligan,  "  give 
us  a  few  more  storrums  an'  we'll  foind  the  say-shore  in 
th'  middle  o'  the  oshun." 

The  farmer  told  his  neighbor  that  his  hogs  were  in 
his  garden.  (It  is  impossible  to  tell  the  meaning  of  the 
sentence. ) 

Origin  of  Bulls  —  No  exhaustive  analysis  has  ever 
been  given  of  the  origin  and  genesis  of  "bulls,"  but  we 
believe  they  very  often  come  from  extreme  quickness  of 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  267 

apprehension,  the  mind  leaping  to  its  conclusion  without 
passing  through  the  intermediate  stages  of  the  process, 
like  the  judge,  who,  in  passing  sentence  on  a  burglar, 
said,  "  You  ought  to  be  ashamed  of  yourself,  sir  ;  you, 
a  strong  sturdy  fellow,  instead  of  which  you  go  and 
break  into  people's  houses."    ^ 

**  I  accomplished  my  business  and  returned  the  day 
after."  It  may  be  that  the  business  was  accomjilished  on 
the  day  after  as  well  as  on  the  return  ;  but  it  may 
equally  have  been  finished  on  the  previous  day.  —  jevons, 
Logic. 

A  Bald  Statement  —  Miss  Wiseman;  <<  Isn't  your 
husband  a  little  bald  ?  " 

Mrs.  Hendricks,  indignantly:  "There  isn't  a  bald 
hair  in  his  head." —  Chatter. 

Filial  Affection — An  Irishman  swearing  the  peace 
against  his  three  sons  thus  concluded  his  affidavit : 
"And  this  deponent  further  saith,  that  the  only  one  of 
his  children  who  showed  him  any  real  filial  affection  was 
his  youngest  son,  Larry,  for  he  never  struck  him  when 
he  was  down. " —  heard,   Oddities  of  the  Law. 

A  refrigerator  car  is  running  on  the  New  Jersey  rail- 
road /or  bringing  fresh  meat  from  Chicago.  —  ( Italics 
should  follow  "  car.") 

Sun  and  Moon — "The  sun  is  all  very  well,"  said  an 
Irishman,  "  but  the  moon  is  worth  two  of  it ;  for  the 
moon  affords  us  light  in  the  night-time,  when  we  want  it, 
whereas  the  sun's  with  us  in  the  day-time,  when  we 
have  no  occasion  for  it." 


268  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

A  Startling  Statement  —  A  Sunday-school  superin- 
tendent startled  his  school  by  remarking,  ^<Yes,  chil- 
dren ;  and  nearly  all  the  king's  army,  when  they  woke  in 
the  morning,  found  they  were  dead." 

Tombstone  Inscription — She  lived  a  life  of  virtue, 
and  died  of  the  cholera  morbus,  caused  by  eating  green 
fruit,  in  the  hope  of  a  blessed  immortality,  at  the  early 
age  of  21  years,  7  months  and  16  days.  Reader,  '  Go 
thou  and  do  likewise.' 

The  day  has  come  to  gladden  many  hearts  which  we 
have  looked  for  so  long.     (Italics  should  follow  *'  day."  ) 

Irish  Definition  of  a  Sinecure  —  A  place  where 
there's  nothing  to  do,  and  they  pay  you  by  the  piece. 

Bill  of  Lading  —  A  bill  of  lading  issued  by  the 
Wells  Fargo  Express  Company  contained  the  following 
exemption  from  liability;  '*This  company  shall  not 
be  liable  for  any  loss  or  damage  by  fire,  the  acts  of  God, 
or  of  Indians,  or  any  other  public  enemies  of  the  Gov- 
ernmenU'*'* 

An  Irish  Sentinel — <<The  password  is  *Saxe;' 
now  don't  forget  it,  Pat,"  said  the  colonel,  just  .after 
the  battle  of  Fontenoy,  at  which  Saxe  was  marshal. 

**  Sacks?  Faith,  and  I  will  not.  Wasn't  my  father 
a  miller?  " 

<'Who  goes  there?"  cried  the  sentinel,  after  the 
Irishman  had  arrived  at  his  post. 

Pat  was  as  wise  as  an  owl,  and,  in  a  sort  of  a  whis- 
pered yell,  replied : 

''Bags,  yer  honor  !  " 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

He  Stood  Corrected  —  The  New  Yorker :  '  *  My 
rooms  are  on  the  fourth  floor,  so  when  you  come  to  see 
me  you  must  take  the  elevator  up." 

'*  His  Boston  cousin:  <<That  we  could  hardly  do. 
We  will,  however,  ascend  in  the  car." —  Truth. 

He  received  my  free  remarks  on  the  terrors  which 
he  seeks  to  inspire  loitli  great  good  nature,  —  ii.  crabb 
ROBINSON,  Diary.     (Italics  should  follow  "  received.") 

Donkeys  —  Said  the  lecturer,  < '  The  roads  up  'these 
mountains  are  too  steep  and  rocky  for  even  a  donkey  to 
climb  ;  therefore  I  did  not  attempt  the  ascent." 

Silence  —  Said  an  Irish  justice  to  an  obstreperous 
prisoner  on  trial,  "We  want  nothing  but  silence,  and 
but  little  of  that." 

A  Grammatical  Error  —  Lady  of  the  house  :  ' '  Can 
you  saw  wood  ?"  Tramp  :  "No  ma'am  ;  but  I  can  see 
it."     Exit  tramp. —  Time. 

Some  New  Anatomical  Points  —  He  was  shot  in  the 
suburbs.  —  Chicago  News. 

She  whipped  him  upon  his  return.  — Hawkey e. 

He  kissed  her  passionately  upon  her  reappearance.  — 
Jefferson  Souvenir. 

He  kissed  her  back. —  Constitution. 

Mr.  Jones  walked  in  upon  her  invitation.  —  Electric 
Light. 

She  seated  herself  upon  his  entering. —  Alhia  Demo- 
crat. 

We  thought  she  sat  down  upon  her  being  asked.— 
Saturday  Gossip. 


270  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

She  fainted  upon  liis  departure. —  Lynn  Union. 

He  embraced  her  upon  her  restoration  and  no  longer 
wept  over  her  absence. 

He  was  injured  in  the  fracas. —  Philadelphia  Ledger, 

He  clung  to  her  weejjing. 

They  gossiped  upon  his  downfall Lawrence  Amer- 
ican. 

Difference  in  Air  —  Doctor:  <'What  do  I  see, 
Herr  Krause,  you  sitting  here  in  the  damp  wine  cellar!" 

Patient  :  '*  You  ordered  me  change  of  air,  and  you 
will  readily  admit  that  the  air  is  very  different  from  that 
in  the  room  above." — Iliimoristiche  Blaetter. 

Dress-Reform  —  Mrs.  O'MuUigan  :  ^'Phwatdo  yez 
think  av  dhress-refarm  ?  " 

Mrs.  Whalen  :  "Dhress-refarm,  is  it?  Shure  it's  a 
a  great  savin'.  It's  only  yesterday  I  refarmed  th'  ould 
man's  pants  to  fit  Denny,  an'  it's  no  small  job,  nathur." 

A  Matter  of  Time —  *<  Baptiste  !" 
"Monsieur!" 
"  What's  the  time  ?  " 
"Half-past  2." 

"Saperlote!  Go  quick  and  fetch  a  cab.  Train 
starts  at  2:35." 

"A  cab  ?     But  there  won't  be  time  !  " 
"  Two  cabs,  then." 

Very  Funny —  "Yes,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Gallagher  ;  "it 
was  funny  enough  to  make  a  donkey  laugh.  I  laughed 
till  I  cried."  And  then,  as  he  saw  a  smile  go  round  the 
room,  he  grew  red  in  the  face  and  went  away  mad. — 
Boston  Post. 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  271 

Heard  at  a  Funeral  —  A  New  England  lady  records 
these  words  of  a  preacher  at  a  funeral,  "Often,  breth- 
ren, have  I  dandled  the  corpse  upon  my  knee." 

The  Political  Situation  —  An  Irishman  was  lately- 
heard  to  say  that  the  present  state  of  political  affairs 
was  "enough  to  make  a  man  commit  suicide  or  per- 
ish in  the  attempt." 

Mixed  Metaphor — Carlo  received  severe  injuries  at 
the  hands  of  a  bull-dog. 

Re- Arranged — "Here,  said  the  proof-reader,  "this 
doesn't  read  right.  You  say  the  man  was  '  looking  dis- 
consolately at  the  last  dollar  in  his  pocket.'  He  couldn't 
be  looking  at  it  if  it  was  in  his  pocket." 

"That's  so,"  replied  the  disaster  editor.  "  Make  it 
read  this  way,  '  was  looking  disconsolately  through  the 
hole  in  his  pocket  at  the  last  dollar  therein. '  " — Buffalo 
Express, 

Ocular  Proof — A  Liverpool  committee-man  pro- 
posed that  a  certain  teaclier  should  read  aloud  before 
the  committee,  that  it  might  have  "hocular  proof  of  his 
harticulation. " 

Mr.  Adams  was  escorted  to  the  chair  amid  storms 
of  ajyplause  by  Rhett  and  Williams,  both  Southerners. 
(Italics  should  begin  the  sentence.) 

Force  of  Habit  —  An  Irish  judge  had  a  habit  of 
begging  pardon  on  every  occasion.  At  the  close  of  the 
assize,  as  he  was  about  to  leave  the  bench,  the  officer  of 
the  court  reminded  him  that  he  had  not  passed  sentence 


272  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

of  death  on  one  of  the  criminals,  as  he  had  intended. 
**  Dear  me,"  said  his  lordshij^,  '<  I  really  beg  his  par- 
don—  bring  him  in." 

Art  Announcement  —  An  Irish  artist  advertises 
that  among  other  portraits  he  has  a  representation  of 
''death  as  large  as  life." 

Typographical  —  A  female  compatriot  of  the  irre- 
pressible George  Francis  Train  addressed  this  remon- 
strance to  a  Buffalo  paper  :  "  By  some  fantastic  trick  of 
your  type-setter  my  speech  in  St.  James'  Hall  on  Saturday 
evening  is  suddenly  terminated,  and  so  linked  to  that  of 
Mr.  Train  that  I  am  made  to  run  off  into  an  entirely 
new  vein  of  eloquence.  Among  many  other  exploits,  I 
am  made  to  boast  that  I  neither  smoke,  nor  chew,  nor 
drink,  nor  lie,  nor  steal,  nor  swear,  as  if  such  accomp- 
lishments were  usual  among  American  women  ;  and 
wherever  I  refer  to  my  honored  countryman  as  '  white 
males,'  I  am  reported  as  having  addressed  them  as 
'  white  mules.'  All  these  are  very  good  jokes,  if  credited 
to  the  printer's  devil,  but  not  to  those  who  represent  an 
unpopular  idea  and  carefully  Aveigh  their  words." 

Patrick  O'Connor — An  Irish  provincial  paper  in- 
serted the  following  notice  :  "Whereas,  Patrick  O'Con- 
nor lately  left  his  lodgings,  this  is  to  give  notice  that  if 
he  does  not  return  immediately  and  pay  for  the  same,  he 
will  be  advertised." 

Criticising  THE  Parson — A  minister  of  the  gospel 
must  be  j^repared  to  submit  to  all  kinds  of  criticisms. 
Committees  may  at  any  time  appear  to  consider  his  case. 
One  criticised  the  minister  for  saying,    "When  Adam 


BULLS   AND   BLUNDERS.  273 

was  born,"  and  remarked  to  a  friend,  <'Any  man  who 
will  say,  'When  Adam  was  born,'  instead  of  'When 
Adam  was  created,'  is  unfit  for  his  position.  I  call  such 
a  remark  an  egreg-rious  blunder." 

A  committee  went  to  a  distant  city  to  hear  a  minister, 
and  when  they  returned,  in  conversing  with  the  person 
who  had  recommended  the  minister  to  their  notice,  one 
of  them  said,  "He  preached  a  splendid  sermon,  and  we 
were  very  much  pleased  with  him.  If  he  only  had  your 
physic  we  should  certainly  give  him  a  call." — New 
York  Christian  Advocate. 

Survive  —  Mrs.  Callahan  is  so  much  prostrated  by  the 
death  of  her  husband  that  it  is  doubtful  whether  she  will 
survive  him. —  Western  Pajyer. 

Net  —  An  Irishman  defined  a  net  as  "  holes  tied  to- 
gether by  strings." 

Absentees  —  Schoolmaster  at  Ballyhooly,  after  call- 
ing the  roll :     "  Are  there  any  absentees  present?  " 

Not  Bigoted  —  "  Phat  is  this  I  see,  Moike?  "  asked 
Mr.  O'Kelly.  "And  is  it  dhrinkin'  whiskey  yez  are? 
Sure  it  only  was  yestherday  ye  tould  me  ye  was  a  tay- 
totler." 

"Well,  you're  right,  Mister  O'Kelly,"  said  Mike, 
"it's  quite  right  ye  are  —  I  am  a  taytotler,  it's  thrue, 
but  begorry,  I'd  have  ye  understhand  I  —  I  —  I'm  not  a 
bigoted  taytotler." 

The  house  affirmed  the  proposal  to  abolish  University 
tests  loith  enthusiasm. —  Spectator.  (Italics  should  fol- 
low "affirmed.") 

18 


274  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

Ferretty's  Sign  —  Reuben  Ferretty,  who  died  many- 
years  ago,  was  an  eccentric  but  useful  member  of  soci- 
ety.    His  business  sign  read  : 

"Reuben  Ferretty,  by  God's  grace  and 
mercy,  kills  rats,  moles,  and  all 
sorts  of  vermin  and  venomous 
creatures." 

Abrupt  Transitions  —  A  president  of  a  court-mar- 
tial, in  passing  sentence,  said,  "  Prisoner,  not  only  have 
you  committed  murder,  but  you  have  run  a  bayonet 
through  the  breeches  of  one  of  Her  Majesty's  uni- 
forms." Perhaps  the  best  of  such  judicial  utterances 
is  that  ascribed  to  a  rural  justice  of  the  peace  :  *'  Pris- 
oner, a  bountiful  Providence  has  endowed  you  with 
health  and  strength,  instead  of  which  you  go  round  the 
country  stealing  hens." 

A  Furrier's  Card  —  A  furrier,  having  facilities  for 
renovating  old  furs,  advertised  "capes,  victorines,  etc., 
made  up  for  ladies  out  of  their  own  skins." 

He  determined  to  force  his  son  to  the  marriage,  and 
afterwards  to  obtain  the  king's  consent,  whether  he 
would  or  not.     (Italics  should  follow  "son.") 

Neglecting  the  Antecedent  —  Instances  of  neg- 
lecting the  antecedent  are  amusing.  In  an  old  geog- 
raphy we  are  told  that  Albany  is  a  "town  with  three 
hundred  houses  and  twelve  hundred  inhabitants  with 
their  gable  ends  toward  the  street." 

A  match  vender  of  London  used  the  following  street 
cry:  "Buy  a  pennyworth  of  matches  from  a  poor  old 
man  made  of  foreign  wood." 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  276 

Tombstone  Literature  —  Here  lyes  the  Bodeys  of 
George  Young  and  Isabel  Guthrie,  and  all  their  Poster- 
ity for  more  than  fifty  years  backwards. — At  Montrose, 
Ireland. 

Distinction  without  a  Difference  —  An  instance 
of  the  distinction  without  a  difference  was  offered  by  the 
Irishman  who,  having  legs  of  different  sizes,  ordered  his 
boots  to  be  made  accordingly.  His  directions  were 
obeyed ;  but,  as  he  tried  the  smallest  boot  on  his  largest 
leg,  he  exclaimed  petulantly,  '' Confound  the  fellow!  I 
ordered  him  to  make  one  larger  than  the  other,  and, 
instead  of  that,  he  has  made  one  smaller  than  the 
other. " —  Tin  Trumpet. 

Funeral  Note  —  The  procession  at  Judge  Orton's 
funeral  was  very  fine  and  nearly  two  miles  in  length,  as 
was  also  the  beautiful  prayer  of  the  Rev.  Dr.  Swing 
from  Chicago. 

No  Smoking — *<If  yer  goin'  to  smoke  on  this  car, 
yer'U  have  to  get  off  to  do  it,"  remarked  a  zealous  con- 
ductor. 

^' Let's  see  yer  put  me  off,"  was  the  ready  reply,  as 
the  smoker  jumped  from  the  car  and  assumed  a  belliger- 
ent attitude. 

Have  you  returned  the  hook  to  the  desk  which  I 
loaned  you?      (Italics  should  follow  "desk.") 

Except — "Good  mornin',  Mrs.  Ryan.  An'  how  is 
your  brother-in-law,  Mr.  McCafferty,  to-day?" 

"  Very  bad,  indade.  Miss  Corcoran,  very  bad,  indade. 
Sorra  a  bite  does  he  ate  except  what  he  drinks." 


276  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

No  soldier  would  have  dared  to  say  that  he  was  glad 
that  President  Lincoln  was  shot  in  our  regiment.  (Ital- 
ics should  follow  *<  soldier.") 

Wet  and  Dry  —  An  Irish  post-boy,  having  driven  a 
gentleman  a  long  stage  during  torrents  of  rain,  was 
asked  if  he  was  not  very  wet. 

**  Arrah  !  I  wouldn't  care  about  being  so  very  wet,  if 
I  wasn't  so  very  dry,  your  Honor." 

Fervid  but  Ambiguous  —  He:  <'My  dear  friend, 
have  you  read  my  last  novel?"  She:  "Yes."  He: 
"  How  did  you  like  it  ?  "  She  :  "I  laid  it  down  with 
intense  pleasure." — Neio  York  Truth. 

A  Parliamentary  Measure  —  A  member  of  the 
Irish  Parliament  requested  the  passage  of  a  bill  enact- 
ing  '*  that  every  quart  bottle  shall  hold  a  quart." 

It  points  out  the  line  of  battle  upon  which  the  Re- 
publican party  can  surely  win  vnth  all  of  Mr.  Blaine^ s 
old  time  political  sagacity. — Pittsburgh  Paper.  (Italics 
should  follow  "  points  out.") 

A  Cannibal  Dog —  For  sale,  a  bull  terrier  dog,  two 
years  old.  Will  eat  anything.  Very  fond  of  children. 
Apply  at  this  office. —  English  Paper. 

Mixed  Metaphors  —  Most  of  us  probably  have  been 
guilty,  at  one  time  or  another,  of  some  mixed  metaphor. 
Though  Irishmen  may  claim  the  j)alm  for  precedence  in 
this  matter,  yet  it  was  a  negro  preacher  who  remarked, 
"Brethren,  the  muddy  pool  of  politics  was  the  rock  on 
which  I  split ;"  and  Mr.  W.  S.  Walsh,  in  his  "Literary 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  277 

Curiosities,"  gives  some  remarkable  instances  of  mixed 
metaphors  by  men  of  education.  For  instance,  Mr. 
O'Connor,  in  accusing  Lord  Northcote  of  disclosing  too 
plainly  the  fact  that  he  had  introduced  certain  resolutions 
for  the  purposes  of  obstruction,  said,  '*Mr.  Speaker, 
Sir,  since  the  government  has  let  the  cat  out  of  the  bag, 
there  is  nothing  to  be  done  but  to  take  the  bull  by  the 
horns. " 

When  the  delegates  of  the  Paris  workmen  returned 
from  the  Philadelphia  Exposition  in  1876,  Mr.  Walsh 
says  that  they  sent  Victor  Hugo  an  invitation,  to  which 
he  replied  by  telegram,  saying  that  he  sent  them  ''a 
grasp  of  the  hand  from  the  bottom  of  his  heart." 

The  Irishman  who  said,  *'We  will  burn  all  our 
ships,  and  with  every  sail  unfurled  steer  boldly  out  into 
the  ocean  of  freedom,"  was  more  than  matched  by  Jus- 
tice Minister  Hye,  who,  addressing  the  Vienna  students 
in  the  troublous  time  of  1848,  declared  that  "the  chariot 
of  the  revolution  is  still  rolling  along,  and  gnashing  its 
teeth  as  it  rolls." 

A  much  traveled  bag  or  trunk  comes  back  from  an 
extended  journey  with  its  owner  covered  with  posters  of 
express  companies. —  Yale  Law  Journal. 

May  or  Can. — Can  is  often  used  in  place  of  may, 
and  may  sometimes  in  place  of  can.  The  distinction  is 
well  brought  out  in  the  following  quotation: 

Little  Tommy  :   "  Can  I  eat  another  piece  of  pie  ?  " 

Mamma,  who  is  something  of  a  purist :  *<  I  suppose 
you  can." 

Tommy:   "Well,  may  I  ?" 

Mamma:  "No,  dear,  you  may  not." — a.  s.  hill, 
The  Foundations  of  Rhetoric. 


278  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

A  Mixed  Dose  —  Druggist's  bell  rings  violently  at 
two  A.  M.  Druggist:  ''Well?"  Angry  voice  yells 
back  :   ''No,  you  idiot — ill !  " 

A  Blundering  Version — An  unmistakable  bull 
(whose  glory,  however,  belongs  to  the  translation  and 
not  to  the  original)  occurs  in  Isaiah  xxxvii,  36:  "Then 
the  angel  of  the  Lord  went  forth,  and  smote  in  the  camp 
of  the  Assyrians  a  hundred  and  fourscore  and  five  thous- 
and. And  when  they  arose  early  in  the  morning,  behold, 
they  were  all  dead  corpses." 

It  almost  completes  my  broken  heart  to  see  you  con- 
tinue the  same  course.  —  Edinburgh  Review.  (Read, 
completes  the  breaking  of  my  heart.) 

The  Irish  Rebellion  —  When  writing  home  to  a 
friend  during  the  Irish  rebellion  of  1798,  Sir  Boyle 
Roche  said,  "To  give  you  some  idea  of  the  danger  we 
are  in,  I  will  only  say  that  while  I  am  writing  this  let- 
ter I  have  a  sword  in  one  hand  and  a  pistol  in  the 
other." 

Simplicity  of  Style  —  Be  simple,  be  unaffected,  be 
honest  in  your  speaking  and  writing.  Never  use  a  long 
word  where  a  short  one  will  do.  Call  a  spade  a  spade, 
not  a  well-known  oblong  instrument  of  manual*  hus- 
bandry ;  let  home  be  home,  not  a  residence  ;  a  place  a 
place,  not  a  locality  ;  and  so  of  the  rest.  Where  a 
short  word  will  do,  you  always  lose  by  using  a  long  one. 
You  lose  in  clearness ;  you  lose  in  honest  expression  of 
your  meaning  ;  and,  in  the  estimation  of  all  men  who 
are  qualified  to  judge,  you  lose  in  reputation  for  ability. 
The  only  true  way  to  shine,  even  in  this  false    world, 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  279 

is  to  be  modest  and  unassuming.  Falsehood  may  be  a 
very  thick  crust,  but,  in  the  course  of  time,  truth  will 
find  a  place  to  break  through.  Elegance  of  language 
may  not  be  in  the  power  of  all  of  us  ;  but  simplicity 
and  straightforwardness  are.  Write  much  as  you  would 
speak  ;  speak  as  you  think.  If  with  your  inferiors,  speak 
no  coarser  than  usual;  if  with  your  superiors,  no  finer. 
Be  what  you  say  ;  and,  within  the  rules  of  prudence,  say 
what  you  are dean  alford. 

The  Frontier  Question  —  A  member  of  the  Cape 
Legislature,  addressing  the  House  upon  the  Frontier 
Question,  said,  "Such,  Mr.  Speaker,  was  the  state  of 
insecurity  upon  the  Eastern  Frontier  that  I  and  other 
settlers  have  often  gone  to  our  daily  vocations  leaving 
our  peaceful  homesteads,  our  happy  wives,  our  smiling 
children,  to  return  in  the  evening  to  find  our  houses 
burnt  over  our  heads,  our  wives  widows,  and  our  chil- 
dren fatherless." 

I  told  him  to  go  slowly,  but  he  left  the  room  quickly^ 
dropping  the  purse  on  the  floor.  (Italics  should  follow 
"he.") 

An  Irish  Trunk — "Buy  a  trunk,  Pat,"  said  the 
dealer. 

"And  what  for  should  I  buy  a  trunk?  "  rejoined  Pat. 

"To  put  your  clothes  in,"  was  the  reply. 

"And  go  naked,"  exclaimed  Pat ;  "  not  a  bit  iv  it !" 

French  Interference  —  During  one  of  his  speeches 
in  Parliament,  Sir  Boyle  Roche  said,  "Mr.  Speaker,  if 
we  once  permitted  the  villainous  French  masons  to 
meddle  with  the  buttresses  and  walls  of  our  ancient  con- 


280  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

stitution,  they  would  never  stop  nor  stay,  sir,  till  they 
brought  the  foundation  stones  tumbling  about  the  ears 
of  the  nation." 

An  Intemperate  Bull — "You  can  have  no  more 
here.     You've  taken  too  much  already." 

"  'Xcuse  me.  I  may've  'ad  too  much  (hie),  but  I 
'avn't  'ad  enuf." 

Not  Tactful  — 

"Who  is  the  belle  to-night?  "    asked  she, 
As  they  stood  on  the  ballroom  floor ; 
He  looked  around  the  room  to  see. 
And  she  speaks  to  him  no  more. 

—  Cape  Cod  Item. 

I  see  that  tlie  monument  will  soon  be  completed  hy 
the  evening  paper.     (Italics  should  follow  "see.") 

Empty-Minded —  "My  Lord,  I  assure  you  there  is  no 
understanding  between  us,"  exclaimed  an  eminent  Eng- 
lish lawyer  who  had  been  suspected  of  collusion  with  the 
counsel  who  represented  the  other  side.  Lord  Eldon 
thereupon  observed,  "I  once  heard  a  squire  in  the 
House  of  Commons  say  of  himself  and  another  squire, 
*  We  never  through  life  had  one  idea  between  us  ;  but  I 
tremble  for  the  suitors  when  I  am  told  that  two  distin- 
guished practitioners  have  no  understanding  between 
them.'  " 

An  Irate  Passenger  —  "Why  didn't  you  put  my 
luggage  in  as  I  told  you?"  asked  an  irate  passenger  as 
the  train  was  moving  off.  "Eh,  mon  ;  yer  luggage  is 
no  sic  a  fule  as  yersel'.     Ye're  in  the  wrong  train." 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  281 

Hay  Fever  —  Hoolihan ;   *'Phwat's  the  matter  wid 

yez,  Curran?  " 

CuRRAN  :  ''  It's  th'  hay  faver  Oi  hov." 
Hoolihan  :  "  An'  how  did  yez  get  it  ?  " 
Curran  :   "From  shlapin'  on  a  shtraw  bed,  av  coorse. 

Any  ould  fool  'd  know  thot." 

Grocer's  Sign  —  An  Atchison,  Kan.,  grocer  has  a 
sign  posted  in  his  window,    "  Peck  baskets  of  all  sizes." 

Epitaph  Literature — 

She's  gone  and  cannot  come  to  we. 
But  we  shall  shortly  go  to  she. 

Unintentionally  Correct  —  "If  I  were  you, 
Jones,  I  wouldn't  be  a  fool,"  said  Robinson,  during  an 
argument. 

"You  are  right;  if  you  were  I  you  wouldn't  be  a 
fool,"  replied  the  latter. —  Life. 

Antecedents. —  In  answer  to  a  letter  from  the  com- 
missary of  police,  asking  for  information  respecting  the 
antecedents  of  one  of  his  clerks,  a  village  mayor  wrote, 
"  As  to  his  antecedents,  they  are  all  dead,  without  a  stain 
on  their  moral  character." 

Irish  and  French. —  When  Garrick  condoled  with  an 
Irish  gentleman  upon  the  recent  death  of  his  father,  "It 
is  what  we  must  all  come  to  if  we  only  live  long  enough," 
said  the  Irishman.  But  the  idea  is  no  more  Irish  than 
French,  for  when  a  Frenchman  had  built  his  chateau  and 
completed  the  chapel  to  it,  he  called  together  his  child- 
ren and  said,  "  I  hope  we  shall  all  be  buried  there,  if 
God  grants  us  life," 


282  BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS. 

Mixed  Shooting — "Owing  to  tlie  distress  of  the 
times  Lord  Camden  will  not  shoot  himself  or  any  of  his 
tenants  before  the  4th  of  October."  Read  :  In  conse- 
quence of  the  distress  of  the  times,  neither  Lord  Cam- 
den himself  nor  any  of  his  tenants  will  shoot  before 
the  4th  of  October. —  adam  sherman  hill,  The  Foun- 
dations of  Rhetoric. 

Churchyard  Literature  —  The  following  mark  of 
esteem  is  as  terse  as  it  is  ambiguous.  It  is  found  in  a 
churchyard  in  Grafton,  Vermont. 


The  meeting  will  now  adjourn  by  singing  the  long- 
metre  doxology  till  nine  o^clock  to-7norrow  7norning. 
(Italics  should  follow  "adjourn.") 

Railway  Signs  —  The  division  of  the  great  public 
into  first,  second,  and  third  classes  on  all  railways  is  one 
of  the  things  forcing  themselves  on  the  attention  where- 
ever  one  travels  on  this  side  of  the  Atlantic.  It  does 
seem  singular  to  see  such  signs  at  the  station  as  "First 
and  second-class  ladies'  waiting  room,"  and  "Third-class 
ladies'  waiting-room."  A  critical  observer  is  likely  to 
wonder  why  the  companies  do  not  set  a  grammarian  to 
keep  watch  on  the  sign-painter.  Why  not  let  "ladies" 
stand  first  in  these  signs,  or,  better  still,  let  "ladies' 
waiting-room"  precede  the  designation  as  to  class? 
Perhaps  the  answer  would  be  that  it  has  always  been  as 
it  is  —  that  is,  as  long  as  railways  have  existed  —  and 
that  is  a  sufficient  answer,  so  far  as  the  people  of  Eng- 
land  are   concerned.     That  it  is   a  reflection  ujjon  an 


BULLS   AND    BLUNDERS.  283 

estimable  lot  of  people  to  call  them  "second-class 
ladies"  or  "third-class  ladies"  does  not  seem  to  have 
penetrated  the  mind  of  those  responsible  for  this  atroc- 
ity.—  London  Letter^  in  Boston  Paper, 

Quarry  Work  —  McGuire  after  his  first  day's  work 
at  the  quarry:  "  Oi  worruk  no  more  at  that  place." 
Mrs.  McGuire:  "For  phoy,  Dennis?"  "Oi  spint 
hours  to-day  drillin'  holes  in  the  rocks  phen  a  man 
comes  round  an'  puts  powther  in  all  thim  holes,  an' 
blows  thim  to  smithereens." 

The  hotel  is  to  be  enlarged  by  reducing  the  size  of  its 
immense  rooms. —  Neii^  York  Paper. 

A  Double  Construction  —  A  man  had  a  donkey 
for  sale  ;  and  hearing  that  a  friend  wanted  to  buy  one, 
wrote  him: 

"Dear  D.  —  If  you  are  looking  for  an  A.  1.  donkey, 
don't  forget  me.     Yours,  etc.,  F." 

An  Apology  —  Miss  N — ,  how  could  you  think  that 
I  ever  said  in  company  that  you  were  stupid  ?  Quite 
the  contrary  ;  whenever  your  name  was  mentioned  I  was 
always  the  one  who  didn't  say  so. —  Henchthaler. 

An  Elderly  Child  —  Wanted,  an  experienced  nurse, 
to  take  charge  of  a  young  child  between  30  and  35  years 
old,  of  unexceptionable  character,  and  good  reference. — 
Dublin  Paper.      (Italics  should  follow  "nurse.") 

Clearness — There  are  two  very  fairly  distinct  ways 
in  which  we  constantly  fail  to  make  ourselves  under- 
stood.    The  first  is  by  so  expressing  ourselves  that  what 


284  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

we  say  may  mean  more  than  one  thing ;  in  which  case 
our  style  is  sometimes  vague,  sometimes  ambiguous. 
The  second  is  by  so  expressing  ourselves  that,  at  least 
without  study  on  the  part  of  the  reader,  what  we  say 
does  not  mean  anything  at  all ;  in  which  case  our  style 
is  obscure. —  wendell,  English  Composition. 

In  THE  Plural  —  '<Ah,  Mees  Hobartone,  you  climb 
ze  Matterhorn  ?     Zat  vas  a  foot  to  be  proud  of." 
"  Pardon  me,  count,  but  you  mean  '  feat.'  " 
*'  0-h  !     You  climb  it  more  zan  vonce  ?  " 

Mysterious  Store  Sign  —  Beef  is  very  high,  our 
prices  are  the  same. 

Dark  Regrets  —  A  pert  young  Scotch  advocate, 
whose  case  had  gone  against  him,  had  the  temerity  to 
exclaim  that  "he  was  much  astonished  at  such  a  deci- 
sion," whereupon  the  court  was  about  to  commit  him  to 
jail,  when  John  Scott,  afterward  Lord  Eldon,  the  counsel 
on  the  other  side,  interfered  in  his  favor.  "My  lords, 
my  learned  friend  is  young  ;  if  he  had  known  your  lord- 
ships as  long  as  I  have,  he  would  not  have  expressed  as- 
tonishment at  any  decision  of  your  lordships"  —  an 
apology  which  seemed  to  satisfy  the  court. 

Incongruity  —  A  humorous  incident  never  seems 
so  very  absurd  as  when  it  happens  in  connection  with 
some  solemn  occasion.  A  maid  relating  the  details  of  a 
funeral  said,  "I  am  glad  to  say  we  were  very  lucky 
about  it.  Everything  went  oif  beautifully.  We  didn't 
have  a  single  accident."  Another  afflicted  one  remarked, 
gazing  abstractedly  around  at  the  preparations  for  the 
funeral,    *'Well,  my   dear,  after  all,  these  things  are  a 


BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS.  286 

great  expense."  A  worthy  man  grieving  the  loss  of  his 
wife  said  to  a  friend  who  had  acted  as  pall  bearer, 
"  You  have  been  very  kind.  I  cannot  thank  you  enough. 
I  hoj^e  to  have  the  opportunity  of  doing  as  much  for 
you  some  day."  Confused,  but  rising  to  the  occasion, 
the  friend  responded,  <*  Don't  mention  it.  I  was  only 
too  happy  to  serve  you  in  this  way." 

Every  monumental  inscription  should  be  in  Latin  ; 
for  that  being  a  dead  language  it  will  ever  live. —  John- 
son, Lives  of  the  Poets. 

A  Mixed  Relation —  "  Has  your  sister  got  a  son  or 
a  daughter?  "  said  an  Irishman  to  a  friend.  "  Upon  my 
life,"  he  replied,  "I  don't  know  yet  whether  I'm  an 
uncle  or  an  aunt." 

A  Colored  Toast  —  The  health  once  proposed  by  a 
worthy  colored  man  is  a  bullish  gem  of  the  first  water  : 
"  De  Gobenor  ob  our  State  !  He  come  in  wid  much  oppo- 
sition ;  he  go  out  wid  none  at  all." 

Definitions  of  the  Bull  —  Sydney  Smith  defines  a 
bull  as  "An  apparent  congruity  and  real  incongruity  of 
ideas  suddenly  discovered."  Coleridge  says,  "A  bull 
consists  in  a  mental  juxtaposition  of  incongruous  ideas, 
with  a  sensation,  but  without  the  sense,  of  connection." 
Smith  points  out  that  a  bull  is  the  very  reverse  of  wit ; 
"for  as  wit  discovers  real  relations  that  are  not  ap- 
parent, bulls  admit  apparent  relations  that  are  not  real." 

On  the  Bench  —  Sir  Thomas  Trevor,  a  Baron  of  the 
Exchequer,  1625-49,  when  presiding  at  the  Bury  Assizes, 


286  BULLS    AND    BLUNDERS. 

had  before  him  a  cause  relating  to  the  wintering  of  cat- 
tle. Thinking  the  charge  immoderate,  he  said,  *-I 
wonder  thou  art  not  ashamed,  for  I  myself  have  known 
a  beast  wintered  one  whole  surmner  for  a  noble."  To 
which  the  man  at  once,  with  ready  wit  replied,  "  That 
was  a  hull,  my  lord."  Whereat  the  company  was  highly 
amused. — thoms,  Anecdotes  and  Traditions. 


INDEX. 


Aboard,  too  much,  80 

Abroad,  151 

Absence,  237 

Absent,  53 

Absentee,  1,  74,  130,  273 

Absent-minded,  76,  97,  101,  105, 

139,  148,    157,  170,  208,  212, 

230,  231,  235,  258 
Accent,  14, 113,  240 
Accident,  54,  183,  201,  204,  2G3, 

284 
Accidental,  127 
Accompanied,  130 
Acquitted,  233 
Act,  41, 136,  268 
Acting,  Kean's,  22 
Acts  of  assembly  (Legislation) 
Address,  49,  70,  142,  215 
Advance,  34 
Adverb,  position  of,  188 
Advertised,  will  be,  272 
Advice,  161 

Affection,  54, 123,  133,  267 
Affidavit,  97 
Affirmative,  151 
Afraid,  122, 172 
After,  93 
Afternoons,  169 
Age,  75,  176,  220 
Agnostic,  84 
Agreement,  verbal,  218 
Ahead,  121, 168 
Air,  225,  270 
A  la  carte,  263 
Alford,  Dean,  29,  76,  159,  279 
Alias,  89 
Alight,  158 
Alive  with  them,  213 
All,  saving,  93 
Allardyce,  44 
Allegory.  64 
Alligators,  126 


Allusion,  173 

Almost,  230 

Alone,  168,  248 

Alphabet,  155 

Ambiguities,  inconsistencies 
and,  7 

Amner's  gem,  184 

Among,  41 

Amputation,  264 

Amusement,  30 

Analyzed,  24 

Anatomical,  269 

Ancestors,  175 

Angling,  213 

Animals,  12,  50,  235 

Annually,  233 

Anonymous,  66 

Announcement,  3,  84.  131,  155 

Another,  89,  223 

Answer,  61,  185 

Answering  the  roll  call,  53 

Antecedent,  26,  274,  281 

Antiquity,  164,  213 

Anxious  to  please,  227 

Apology,  220 

Apoplexy,  50 

Appeal,  102,  164 

Apples,  4,  70, 116 

Apprentice,  172 

Aquatics,  60 

Arabin,  Sergeant,  47 

Archibald,  61 

Argument,  182,  196,  236 

Arms,  without,  172 

Army  and  na»vy,  34,  53,  60,  64, 
78,  91, 113, 132,  133,  136,  140, 
148,  154,  157,  170,  171,  177, 
180,  186,  187,  228,  230,  234, 
239,  240,  263,  268,  274,  278 

Arnold,  59 

Around,  265 

Arrival,  119 

Art,  11,  37,  167,  186,  260,  266, 
272 


288 


INDEX, 


Ass,  110, 146,  250 

Assembly,  acts  of  (Legislation) 

Assurance,  152 

Atkins,  Private,  60 

Attempt,  271 

Attention,  36 

Attorney  (Bench  and  bar) 

Auction,  200 

Aunt,  uncle  or,  285 

Austen,  260 

Autographs,  199 

Author,  128 

Average,  8 

Ax  179 

Ayres,  67,  189,  224 

B 

Bacchanal,  252 

Bailey,  207 

Balance,  out  of,  115 

Bald,  267 

Banker's  letter,  a,  73 

Bank,  notes,  125;  savings,  194 

Bankrujjtcy,  93 

Bannister,  245 

Baptism,  45 

Bashful,  160 

Baskets,  peck,  281 

Bathos,  161 

Baudin,  186 

Bayonet,  274 

Bear,  Russian,  101;  sold  here,  69 

Beat,  124,  136 

Beauty,  214,  238 

Beaux,  123 

Beef,  159,  284 

Before,  93.  109, 169,  184,192 

Beggars,  191,  261 

Begging  the  question,  68 

Begin,  before  we,  192 

Behaving  like  gentlemen,  118 

Behind,  109, 169 

Behindhand,  12 

Bench  and  bar,  3,  9,  11,  13,  14, 
18,  23,  25,  30,  32,  ^33,  37,  46, 
47,  48,  51,  52,  71,  74,  76,  79, 
87,  96,  97,  98,  102,  103,  110, 
112,  114,  118,  122,  139,  140, 
150,  163,  174,  175,  178,  182, 
185,  193,  195,  198,  199,  200, 
202,  203,  206,  209,  210,  212, 


Bench  and  bar. 

214,  218,  229,  231,  234,  236, 
241,  242,  244,  247,  261,  262, 
263,  266,  267,  269,  271,  280, 
285 

Beneficial  society,  133 

Bent,  137, 167,  218,  221 

Beranger,  20 

Best,  Mr.  Justice,  135 

Better,  63 

Between,  170,  201 

Beverage,  259 

Bidder,  147 

Bigamy,  182 

Bigoted,  not,  273 

Bill,  anti-suicide,  257;  bank, 
235;^ board,  117;  carpenters, 
97;  counterfeit,  40;  of  lad- 
ing, 268 

Billings,  Josh,  195 

Bird,  like  a,  87,  158 

Birthday  regrets,  261 

Bishops,  unbroken,  101 

Bivalve,  delicious,  71 

Blackberries,  222 

Blackguards,  200 

Blackstone,  228 

Bleating,  249 

Blind,  22,  38,  190,  237 

Blomfield,  Bishop,  218 

Blood,  228,  261 

Blunderbuss,  232 

Board,  120, 182 

Boat,  in  a,  2 

Boehme,  the  philosopher,  126 

Boiled,  53,  79,  120,  181 

Bones,  261 

Boots,  mixed,  185 

Born,  211,  255 

Both,  70,  79,  224 

Bottle,  79,  276 

Bottomless  pit,  123 

Bourne,  to  that,  36 

Brains,  lecture  on,  152 

Bread,  without,  188 

Breckenridge,  Judge,  90 

Brevity,  153 

Bribery,  48 

Bric-a-brac,  265 

Brick,  built  of,  264 

Bridge,  185 


INDEX. 


289 


Broad  and  narrow,  2 
Brother,  133,  218,  228 
Buchmann,  166 
Buckingham,  Duke  of,  131 
Buckle,  79 

Bud,  nip  in  the,  70,  219 
Buffalo,  preferred  a,  191 
Bull  by  the  horns,  277 
Bulletins,  the  Pope's,  20 
Bulls,  defined  1,  285;  origin  of, 

266 
Bulwer,  18 
Bunions,  82 
Bunyans,  more,  256 
Burden,  sharing  the,  20 
Burglary,  121,  171,  217,  233,  267 
Burgomaster,  221 
Burgoyne,  53 

Burial,  without  Christian,  256 
Buried,  98, 105, 170, 197,  212,  281 
Burn  our    ships,   277;  houses, 

279 
Burning,  at  the,  83;  notes,  125 
Business,  4,  36,  39,  53,  65,  67,  68, 
69,  71,  73,  79,  87,  90,  97,  111, 
126,  131,  136,  137,  139    140, 
147,  179,  185,  200,  202,  207, 
231,  2.33,  235,  248,  259,  261, 
266,  279,  281,  282,  284 
But,  86 
Butcher,  193,  207 


Caesar,  181 

Cake  and  have  it,  eat,  231 

Calamity,  219 

Calm,  196 

Calls,  making,  62,  118,  225 

Camden,  Lord,  282 

Camel,  easier  for  a,  127 

Can,  may  or,  277 

Candle,  lantern  and,  214;  light, 

53 
Cannibalism,  106,  155,  276 
Canning,  259 
Cant,  religious,  189 
Capitol,  removing  the,  30 
Cards,  visiting,  173 
Career,  a  successful,  255 
Caricature,  227 
Carriage,  22,  126  • 
19 


Case,  a  parallel,  157 

Castlereagh,  Lord,  99 

Catachresis,  99 

Catamaran,  a,  141 

Caterer,  71 

Cat  out  of  the  bag,  277 

Cats,  tax  on,  2 

Cause  of  blundering,  224 

Celebrity,  117 

Cemetery  (Epitaph  literature) 

Censure,  judicial,  174 

Centurion,  117 

Century,  132 

Certificates,  167,108,241 

Chandelier,  186 

Chariot,  revolution,  277 

Chase,  steeple,  172;    exciting, 
60 

Cheese,  68,  80 

Chemistry,  2,  33,  162,  207 

Chickens,  counting  the,  91 

Children,51,  141,200,  283 

Chimney,  5 

Chiropody,  23 

Cholera,  156 

Church  (Minister  and  church) 

Churchyard     (Epitaph    litera- 
ture) 

Citizens,  fellow,  91 

Classification,  114,  248 

Clear  the  court,  200 

Clearness,  3, 120,  153,  283 

Clement  XIV,  Pope,  20 

Clergyman      (Minister     and 
church) 

Clever,  127 

Climate  of  India,  76 

Climax,  anti,  161, 189 

Clock,  131, 149,  168,  169 

Cloudy,  85,  230 

Coach  and  six,  222 

Cobbett,  113 

Cockburn,  Lord,  182 

Cocked  hat  and  sword,  75 

Cock-loft,  146 

Coffee-house.  179 

Coffin,  39,  191,230 

Collectors,  tax,  129 

College,  63, 146,  174, 181 

Colman,  Geo.,  127 

Coleridge,  203,  285 


.290 


INDEX. 


Column,  personal,  108,  117,  131, 

237 
Comma,  219,221 
Commentator,  250 
Commission,  113 
Committee,  84,  236,  271,  272 
Commons,  humor  of,  1,  16,  21, 

34,  42,  78,  144,  157,  158,  211, 

249,  263,  280 
Comparison,  29,  129 
Competition,  137 
Complimentary,  6,  28,  41, 53,  60, 

102,  164,  195,  204,  238,  258 
Composition,  rules  of,  95 
Compulsory,  67 
Conclusions,  145,  250 
Conclusive,  140 
Condolence,  95,  281 
Conference  committee,  238 
Confession,  an  open,  121 
Confidence  man,  a,  13 
Confusion,   figurative,  153;    of 

thought,  191,  259 
Congress,  acts  of  (Legislation) 
Congressional,  65,  82,  144,  171, 

219,  260 
Con,  pro  and,  264 
Conscious,  83 

Constitution,  walls  of  the,  279 
Contempt,  114,  284 
Contemptible,  248 
Contraction,  147 
Contrary,  proof  of,  204 
Convalescent,  46 
Convicted,  self,  90 
Convincing,  86,  218 
Cook,  a  slow,  23;  Dr.  67 
Coronation,  46 
Coroner,  5,  50,  177,    220,    235, 

245 
Corporal  in  the  76th,  133 
Corpse,  95,  203,  229,  278 
Correct,  115.  281 
Corrected,  269 
Correspondence,  28 
Corroborated,  266 
Corruption,  145 
Council,  18,  214 
Count,  an  Irish,  115;  Franken- 

berg,  93 
Counterfeit,  40 


Countersign,  giving  the,  79, 268 

Country,  a  great,  129 

Court  (Bench  and  bar) 

Coward,  139,  229 

Cows,  139,  237 

Crane,  167 

Cremation,  249 

Cries,  deaf  to  her,  69 

Crisis,  123 

Criticism,  46,  59,  84,  198,   239, 

243,  254,  272, 
Cromwell,  251 
Crown  of  good  deeds,  254 
Crowned  heads,  23 
Cruel  of  him,  32 
Crying  water,  193 
Cubits,  159 
Cure,  37,  72,  263 
Currency  question,  107 
Curriculum,  206 
Cursing  their  maker,    158 
Curtis,    Geo.    Wm.,    103;    Sir 

Wm.  225 
Cynical,  252 

D 

Dalhousie,  163 

Damage,  205,  239 

Danger,    to    avoid,    3;   of    the 

Revolution,  136 
Dare  classihus  austros,  38 
Darkness,  mixed,  72 
Davis,  114, 190 
Day,  159,  227,  267 
Dead,  2,  27,  73,  81,  95,  122,  123, 

151,  154,  171,  200,  225,  253, 

268,  278 
Deaf,  69,  141, 187,  246,  259 
Dear  me,  121 
Death,  4,  5,  6,  94,  112,  113,  117, 

135,  137,  140,  149,  170,  179, 

183,  188,  194,  201,  207,  215, 

221,2,33,261,272 
Debt,  liquidated,  199 
Dec.  8,  Nov.  5, 15 
Decalogue,  260 
Decapitated,  252 
Deception,  50,  154 
Decline,  104 

Deed  without  a  name,  199 
Deeds,  crown  of,  254 


INDEX. 


291 


Deer,  258 

Definitions,  1,  5,  31,  44,  218,  236, 

252,  273,  285 
Delivery,  223 
DeMille,  164 
Demise,  a  sudden,  94 
Democratic  report,  191 
Denis,  Madame,  204;  St.  136 
Dentistry,  105,  106,  233 
Deposition,  247 
Depravity,  80,  262 
Description,  a  droll,  31 
Desecrated,  132,  177 
Destitute,  very,  45   , 
Devil,  1 
Devotion,  102 
Diagnosis,  124 
Diamonds,  168 
Diary,  Moore's,  52 
Die,  4,  5,  6,  22,  52,  98,  102,  105, 

120,  135,  156,  170,   208,  211, 

222 
DiedT48,  60, 103,  130,  263 
Difference,  28,  33,  70,  177,  275 
Dignity,  on  his,  231 
Dining  invitations,  21,  24,  253 
Directions,  following,  8,  16,  59, 

107,  149,  166,  171,  224,  259, 

265 
Disapprove,  166 
Discord,  apple  of,  70 
Discount,  159 
Dispensing  the  gospel,  244 
Disperse,  100 
Disposition,  100 
Disraeli,  61,  123,  220 
Distinction,  33,  150,  177,  275 
Distress,  96 
Divided  equally,  235 
Divinity,  251 
Divorce  proceedings,  23 
Doctor  (Physician) 
Doctrine,  262 
Document,  230 
Doer  and  knower,  114 
Dogs,  2,  69,  91,  111,    183,    184, 

195,  276 
Dollar,  13 

Donkey,  219,  222,  269,  270,  283 
Dose,  mixed,  278 
Doubt,  175,  176 


Down  a  peg,  132 

Doxology,  282 

Doyle  and  Yelverton,  118 

Dreaming,  72 

Drinking,  4,  147,  254 

Driving,  26,  46,  54 

Drop  in,  240 

Drown,  5,  105,  194,  212,  221,  246 

Drug,  a  deadly,  49 

Dry,  wet  and,  276 

Due,  52, 199 

Duel,  67,  90,  144 

Dumb,  178 

Dunce,  13 

Dundreary,  Lord,  109 

Dusted,  mantel,  59 

Duty,  discharge  of,   96;   on,  78 

Dying,  groans  of  the,  154 

E 

Eagle,  American,  101 
Ear,  11, 139,  176,  236 
Early,  109,  244 
Easier  for  a  camel,  127 
Easy,  enough,  107;  stages,  60 
Echo,  a  fine,  55 
Edgeworth,  152,  247 
Edinburgh,  Town  Council,  18 
Editor,  6,  10,  33,  41,  42,  50,  71, 
84, 104,  159,  175, 184, 197,  230, 

240,  255,  264,  271 
Editorial    announcement,     41, 

131 
Educational,  13,  33,  99,  100, 155, 
160,  186,  192,  206,  221,  236, 

241,  258 
Eggs,  110, 120,  170 
Egregious,  273 
Elder  Podson,  110 
Eldon,  Lord,  280,284 
Electricity,  122 
Elevated  road,  39 
Elevator,  269 
Eloquence,  102 
Elsewhere,  71 
Embalming,  255 
Embrace,  62.  155,  270 
Emerson,  Plato  and,  109 
Emperor  of  Austria,  250 
Emphasis,  113, 197,  236 
Empty-minded,  280 


292 


INDEX. 


Enclosure,  90 

Encouragement,  11,  125 

End,  131,  229 

Endlich,  228 

Ends,  at  both,  30 

Enfield,  148 

Engine,  Corliss,  163 

England   and  Ireland,  233 

English,  language,  193;  lan- 
guage and  literature,  252; 
quite,  194 

Enjoyed,  113,  208 

Enlisted  in  the  75th,  133 

Enthusiasm,  246,  266,  273 

Epitaph  literature,  10,  52,  56, 
63,  85,  94,  100,  102,  124,  125, 
152,  161,  164,  207,  212,  230, 
268,  275,  281,  282,  285 

Equally,  66 

Equivocation,  189 

Erected  to  the  memory,  10 

Errata,  (Typographical),  121, 
226,  264 

Established  church,  161 

Estate,  life,  98 

Esthetics,  167 

Eternity,  sure  as,  163 

Even,  118 

Evening,  every,  210 

Evolution  of  a  law,  214 

Exaggeration,  intemperate,  239 

Examination,  a  lucid,  158 

Except,  275 

Exception,  232 

Excessively,  2a3 

Exchange,  in,  139 

Exclamation,  149,  164 

Exhausted,  19 

Exfjansion  147 

Expect,  173 

Expenses,  making,  36 

Expert,  insane,  262 

Explosion,  187,  201,  205 

Extraordinary,  nothing,  180 

Extravagance,  63 

Exultation,  133 

Eye,  93,  131,  168,  226,  238,  265 

F 

Fabrication,  malicious,  3 
Faces,  107,  123,  144 


Fail,  204 

Fallacies,  logical,   14,   76,    143, 

147,  149,  152,  183 
False  rumor,  213 
Familiar  quotations,  260;  say- 
ings, 117 
Family,  79,  160,  209 
Famine,  175 
Famous,  145 
Farmer's  letter,  a,  227 
Fast,  254 
Fatal,  50,  149,  200 
Fate,  fixed  as,  163 
Father,  like  his,  193,  -less,  279 
Fathoms,  how  many,  93 
Favors,  191 
Fears  of  recovery,  196 
Feat,  difficult,  33;  to  be  proud 

of,  284 
Feeding,  bottle,  79;  the  cows, 

139 
Feet,  83,  264 
Felon,  233 
Ferretty's  sign,  274 
Ferry    company's    notice,    141, 

188 
Fervid,  276 
Fever,  hay,  281 
Fewer  men,  12 
Fight,  not  in  the,  229 
Finest,  one  of  the,  14 
Finger-posts  (Sign  lore) 
Fire,  on,  3,  32 
First,  70,  98,  169,  184 
Fish,  20,  25,  95,  221,  252 
Fits,  251 

Fixed,  as  fate,  163;  on  me,   106 
Flats,  mixed,  165 
Flattering,  not,  143 
Fleas,  full  of,  75 
Floating  in  the  air,  219 
Flock, 198 
Flood,  219 

Follow  him,  may,  196 
Fond  of  children,  276 
Fool,  161, 186,  248,  262,  280,  281 
Foot,  in   it,   140;   longer   than, 

193;  Mr.,  81 ;  of  the  class,  2; 

-prints,  171 
Ford,  dangerous,  209 
Forecast,  Irish,  105 


INDEX. 


293 


Forelock,  93 

Forever,  2,  222 

Forgive  and  forget,  107 

Forgot  himself,  250 

Form,  good,  81,  111 

Forsaking  the  ship,  228 

Fortnight,  130, 156 

Fossil,  252 

Found,  157,  225,  249 

Foundation  stones,  280 

Franking,  78 

Frankenberg,  Count,  93 

Franklin,  Benjamin,  209 

Freak,  museum,  198 

Freedom,  Ireland's,  31 

Frigates,  123 

Frontier  question,  279 

Fruitful  valleys,  210 

Fruitless  search,  217 

Full  of  it,  22 

Fund,  arch,  154 

Funeral,  14,  61,  69,  102, 105, 118, 

131,  138,  155,  228,  271,  275, 

284 
Furrier's  card,  274 
Future,  a  brilliant,  41;  a  great, 

161      • 

G 

Gallery,  art,  186 

Garret,  146 

Garrison  of  Ostend,  230 

Gas,  240 

Gaskell,  56 

Gaul,  all,  169 

Gems,  128,  285 

Gender,  252 

Generosity,  156 

Gentlemen,  118,  122,  140,  144, 

170, 203 
Genuine  "  ads,"  222 
German,  oratory,  184;  very,  25, 

41 
Ghost,  118, 190 
Gibbon,  113,  153,  208 
Gibraltar,  163 
Gifted,  highly,  62 
Gigantic  servant,  160 
Glad,  15.  29,  188 
Gloves,  165 
Gluttony,  212 


Gnashing  its  teeth,  277 

Go  thou,  268 

Golden,  silence  is,  15 

Goldsmith's  poem,  55 

Gone,  pretty  far,  176 

Good,  form,  62,  81,  111;  night, 
72 

Goose,  110,  130,  219 

Gospel,  dispensing  with,  244 

Got,  67 

Governor,  the,  285 

Grace,  state  of,  108 

Grammar  of  science,  37 

Grammatical,  accuracy,  201; 
error,  269;  refusal,  191 

Graham,  251 

Grand  sight,  a,  37 

Gratitude,  146 

Graves,  138,  146, 150,  225 

Gravestone  (Epitaph  litera- 
ture) 

Grazing,  196 

Greater  contains  the  less,  142 

Greenwood,  22 

Grief -stricken,  118 

Grippe,  97 

Groans  of  the  dying,  154 

Groom,  47 

Guaranteed  satisfaction,  202 

Guards,  home,  157 

Guess  at  it,  a,  39 

Guillotined,  125,  143 

Guilty,  not,  37,  44 

Gundy,  Solomon,  223 

Gymnastics,  65 

H 

Habeas  corpus,  196 

Habit,  force  of,   105,  178,  231, 

271 
Hair,  111,  134, 199,  248,  267 
Half,  33,  79,  80,  93,  107,  132, 154, 

169,  185,  228 
Hallam,  54 
Hamlet,  seeing,  24 
Hand-bill,  167 
Hand,  grasp  of,  277;  of  man, 

242;  to  mouth,  87 
Handwriting,  99,  250,  253 
Hands,  137,  171, 172 
Hanging,  6,  23, 135,  139,  243 


294: 


INDEX. 


Happiness,  home,  peace,  151 

Happy  and  miserable,  151 

Harrison,  President,  48 

Hart,  26,  248 

Hawkers,  fish,  25 

Hazlitt,  151 

Head,  13,  137,  156,  213 

Headache,  106 

Heads,  crowned,  23 

Health,  80,  2a3 

Hear,  1, 157,  259 

Heard,  at  a  funeral,  271;  in  a 

station,  253 
Hearing,  an  Irish,  265 
Heart,  252 
Heavy,  59,  260 
Hereditary,  1 
Herkimer,  Gen.,  234 
Herself,  isn't,  27 
Higginson,  175 
Highland  waiter,  9 
Hill,  132,  277,  282 
Hills  and  valleys,  210 
Hints,  60,  112,  115 
History,  128,  251 
Hod,  126 

Hodgson,  77, 169,  173 
Hoe,  87 
Hogarth,  116 
Hogs,  9,  59,  79,  82,  90,  122,  184, 

193,  205,  227,  236,  259,  266 
Hold  on,  65 
Holmes,  261 
Home,    and  abroad,   151;   and 

peace,  151;  at,  70;  gone,  282; 

guards,  157 
Honor  to  be  noticed,  254 
Hope  for,  nothing  to,  63 
Horizontally,  159 
Hospitality,  24,  156 
Host,  70,  71,  250 
Hostility,  66 
Hostler,  an  Irish,  58 
Hotel,  62,  67,  95,  117,  120,  126, 

140,  179,  198,  240,  263,  283 
Housekeeper,  137 
House  of  Commons  (Commons) 
Hovel,  king  in  a,  148 
However,  25 
Hugo,  277 
Humbugs,  190 


Hundred,  221 
Hunt,  Leigh,  181 
Hurricane,  164 
Husband  (Marriage) 
Hustings,  hissed  from,  9 
Hutton,  Dr.,  145 
Hypallage,  37 
Hydrostatics,  252 
Hypocrisy,  166 
Hypothesis,  236 
Hyslop,  76 


Ice-cream,  196,  259 

Identity,  mistaken,  88 

Idiot,  241 

Ignorance,  143,  186 

Illogical  (Fallacies) 

Image,  218 

Imagery  running  riot,  171 

Imlach,  148 

Immaculate,  252 

Immense,  148,  266 

Immerse,  45 

Impediment  in  speech,  45 

Impolitic,  134 

Importance,  90,  116, 193,  195 

Impossible,  120,  134,  209,  259 

Improbable,  209 

Impromptu  definitions,  236 

Impunity,  96,  166 

Inconsistencies  and  ambigui- 
ties, 7 

Indexing,  128,  135 

Infallible,  20,  45,  177 

Inflated  expression,  20 

Informer,  185 

Inhabitants,  264 

Injured,  fatally,  50;  similarly,  54 

Inmates,  5 

Innovation,  207 

Insane,  213,  262 

Inscriptions  (Epitaph  litera- 
ture) 

Instructions  (Directions) 

Inspector,  222 

Insurance,  life,  16 

Intemperance,  4,  16,  17,  22,  50, 
58.  80,  86,  87,  93,  134,  137, 
214,  254,  260,  273,  280 


INDEX. 


295 


Interim,  62 

Interpretation,  127,  228 

Intervention,  non,  218 

Invasion,  157 

Invisible,  2,  160 

Invitations,  dining,  21,  24,  253 

Ireland  and  England,  240 

Iron,  126,  231 

Irony,  236 

Irretrievably  lost,  47 


Jail,  old,  246 

Jevons,  69,  111,  197.  247,  267 

Jewel,  sv^^eet,  245 

Jiffy,  in  a,  137 

Job,  finishing  the,  171 

Johnson,  Dr.,  44,  78,  146,   156, 

186,  227 
Jones,  old  Mrs.,  119 
Judge  (Bench  and  bar)  3,  19, 

32,  41,  47,  52,  74,  98,  103,  114, 

139,  185,  202,  209,  210,  229, 

244,  247,  261,   262,  267,  271, 

285 
Judicial  censure,  174 
Judgment,  striking  off,  52 
Justice  O'Malley,  206 
Jury,  (Bench  and  bar)  5,  11,  32, 

44,  102, 120,  122, 166,  209, 218, 

231,  245,  262,  263 


K 


Kean's  acting,  22 

Kell,  Deputy,  166 

Kemble,  51 

Kenyon,  Lord,  14 

Kicking  cows,  237 

Killed,  51,  54,  79,  130  149,  194, 

235,  246 
Kind,  three  of  a,  176;  two  of  a, 

37,  225 
King,    in   the   hovel,   148;   live 

forever,  2;  of  terrors,  178 
Klopstock,  the  poet,  94 
Knave,  129, 157 
Knew  him,  thought  he,  210 
Knight,  49, 
Knob,  press  the,  179 


Labor  omnia  vincit,  246 

Ladies,  Protestant,  35;  seats 
for,  188 

Lading,  bill  of,  268 

Lady,  56,  108,  169,  282 

Lamb,  Charles,  47,  181 

Lame,  33 

Land  and  sea,  175 

Landlord  in  the  chair,  81 

Landlords,  absentee,  1,  74,  130 

Lang,  116 

Language,  a  weak,  193;  and  lit- 
erature, 252;  dead,  285;  les- 
son in,  234 

Lantern  and  candle,  214 

Lanterns,  carriage,  22 

Late,  109, 179, 

Latest,  148 

Latin  maxims,  198 

Laughing  matter,  not  a,  197, 
270 

Law,  evolution  of  a,  214;  pro- 
hibitory, 266 

Lawyers,  (Bench  and  bar)  74, 
76, 158,  183,  241,  244,  247,  284 

Lay,  149 

Leads  the  world,  12 

Learning,  progeny  of,  64 

Lease,  verbal,  210 

Leather  tax,  21 

Lecture,  120,  152, 157,  197,  249, 
269 

Left-handed,  211 

Legislation,  30,  38,  84,  90,  9.3, 
95,  110, 129,  171, 175, 196,  219, 
222,  235,  246,  257,  276,  279 

Lempriere,  83 

Lennox,  146 

Less,  greater  contains  the,  142 

Lessing,  202 

Letters,  73,  90,  91,  95,  123,  142, 
147,  149,  215,  227,  232,  254,. 
281,  283 

Liberality,  108 

Lie  and  lies,  33,  91,  149,  172, 
183,  220,  237 

Life,  22,  23,  41,  47,  96,  200,  203, 
240,  268,  281 

Light,  candle,  53 


296 


INDEX. 


Lighted,  brilliantly,  194 

Lightning,  thunder  and,  39 

Like,  129, 158,  218 

Line,  31,  101 

Lion,  British,  101,  177,  250 

Liquid  state,  in  a,  58 

Liquidated  debt,  199 

Literal,  180,  228 

Literary  blunders,  108 

Literature,  language  and,  252 

Live,  2,  208,  222 

Living  after  death,  14,  194 

Loaded,  isn't,  232 

Locked  out,  216 

Logical  fallacies  (Fallacies) 

Logic,  mock,  189;  Scotch,  154 

Loins,  190 

London,  clock,  169;  seeing,  242; 

visiting,  152 
Longevity,  75 
Look,  4,  55 

Lord,  14,  33, 99,  104,109, 182,  189 
Lost,  41,  47,  77,  119,  142,  147, 

174, 184,  225 
Love,  32,  60,  72,  86,  121,  124, 204 
Loyal,  superlatively,  254 
Lubbock,  34 
Luck,  bad,  68 
Lucrative,  51 

M 
Macaulay,  8 
Macbeth,  7,  38, 189 
Made,  wonderfully,  13,  159 
Magnetic  needles,  186 
Mahomed  II,  228 
Malaprop,   Mrs.,   64,    104,    116, 

187,  243 
Malaria,  226 
Male  or  female,  141 
Malice  aforethought,  247 
Manager,  101 
Manned,  2 
Mantel  dusted,  59 
Mark,  90,  236 
Marketable,  not,  209 
Marriage,  27,  34,  69,  84,  116,  149, 

199,  211,  212,  217,   245.  267, 

274 
Merrion  Square,  137 
Marshal-law  men,  136 


Martyr,  a  pale,  119 

Masses,  addressing  the,  39 

Masters,  old,  37 

Mathematics,  Irish,  115,  203 

Mathews,  69, 177,  244 

Matrimony  (Marriage) 

Maxims,  84,  198 

May  or  can,  277 

Mayor,  1,  45,  203,  234,  238,  281 

McClellan,  Gen.,  43 

McCosh,  Dr.,  86 

McGowan,  Tim.,  170 

Meant  it,  231 

Measure,  Irish,  115,  208 

Medicine,  3,  45,  49,  51,  57,  140, 
190, 265 

Mediocrity,  10 

Meet  again,  never,  95 

Meeting,  2,  4,  26,  121,  210,  217, 
282 

Meetwell,  157 

Melancholy  sight,  38 

Men,  fewer,  12;  medical,  175 

Mending,  17 

Mens  conscia  recti,  36 

Meridian  line,  31 

Metals,  46 

Metamorphic,  252 

Metaphor,  13,  93,  101,  113,  106, 
190,  219, 249,  261,  276 

Metaphysics,  5 

Military  (Army  and  navy) 

Milk,  pure,  243 

Milliner,  39 

Milton,  153 

Mimicking  the  professor,  248 

Mine,  gold,  178 

Miniature,  266 

Minister  and  church,  14,  17,  18, 
19,  24,  29,  31,  32,  35,  38,  57, 
61,  62,  82,  86,  87,  97, 101,  108, 
110,  111,  112,  130,  138,  142, 
145,  148,  152,  154,  158,  160, 
161,  163,  172,  180,  186,  189, 
190,  192,  197,  198,  199,  206, 
208,  210,  218,  226,  228,  229, 
232,  238,  239,  242,  243,  244, 
245,  246,  250,  253,  256,  260, 
261,  268,  271,  272,  276,  278, 
282 

Minute,  not  a,  188 


INDEX. 


297 


Minutes,  in  a  few,  147 
Miraculous,  136 
Miserable  and  happy,  151 
Misery,  cup  of,  33 
Misfortunes,  sing^le,  130 
Missionary,  164,  226 
Misplaced  words,  188 
Misprints,  57 
Missed  it,  60 

Misspelling,  humor  of,  234 
Mistaken,  33,  88 
Misters  and  voyagers,  62 
Monday  till  Friday,  112 
Money,  87,  152 
Months,  eighteen,  65 
Monopoly,  56 
Monument,  standing,  11 
Moon,  Bun  and,  267 
Moore,  Tom,  52 
More,  86,  256 
Morley,  15 
Morning,  72,  174,  188 
Mortal  remains,  215 
Moses  died,  60 
Mother,  124,  181 
Motion,  26,  81 
Move  on,  28 
Mum,  119,  164 
Munchausen,  147 
Munster  man,  a,  207 
Murder,  not  only,  274 
Mushrooms,  175 
Music,  46, 176,  193 
Musician,  107,  224,  2:57 
Mute,  standing,  1 

N 
Naked,  279 
Name,  181,  210,  242 
Nap,  taking  a,  192 
Napoleon,  20 
•Nation,  ears  of,  280 
Navy  (Army  and  navy) 
Needles,  magnetic,  186 
Negligence,  178 
Neither,  88,  129,  197,  237 
Net,  273;  work,  44 
Newgate  prison,  246 
Newspaper  bulls.  196 
Niece,  a  pretty,  164 
Night,  72, 140, 174,  267 


Nile,  banks  of,  64 
Nip  in  the  bud,  70,  219 
No,  151 

Noise,  18,  90 

Noiseless,  174 

Nom  de  plume,  187 

North,  Lord,  104 

Notes,  bank,  125 

Nothing,  half,  25;  in  it,  213;  to 

hope  for,  63 
Notices  (Sign  lore),  4,  8,  20,  35, 

50,  60,  65,  73,  113,  139,  ]  41, 

179,  187,  194,  197,  208,  210, 

231,  235,  244  261 
Notwithstanding,  57 
Novel,  62,  88, 138,  276 
Now  bid  me  run,  259  , 
Nowhere,  34 
Nuisance,  32 

O 

O'Brien's  son,  Mrs.,  152 
O'Connell,  Daniel,  199,  210,  222 
O'Connor,  Patrick,  272 
O'Flanagan,  Daniel,  167 
O'Looney,  Lady,  56 
O'Malley,  Justice,  206 
Oath,  under,  3 
Obedience,  military,  171 
Obeying  directions  (Directions) 
Obituary  notice,  35,  187,  231 
Obliged,  much,  158 
Obscurity,  134,  284 
Ocular  proof,  271 
Occupied,  231 
Office,  usurped,  28 
Old,  37,  53,  67,  74,  107,  119,  160, 

216 
Oliphant,  177 
Omissions,  113,  184 
One,  14,  84,  172,  233,  255    • 
Only,  24,  71 

Opening,  a  tangled,  192 
Opera  glasses,  148 
Operation,  a  new,  199 
Opinion,  contemptible,  248 
Oppressors,  thieving,  118 
Oratory,  12,  47,  154,  175,  184 
Orders,  obeying  (Directions) 
Ordinance,  an,  214 
Organist,  224 


298 


INDEX. 


Orphan,  48 

Orthodox,  132 

Orthography,  103,  118,  232,  234, 

265 
Orton's  funeral,  275 
Ostend,  garrison  of,  230 
Out,  found,  249;  locked,216;  look, 

55;  ten  times,  164; worn,  142 
Oysters,  140,  244 


Paces,  six,  1 

Paint,  saving  the,  150 

Painting,    by   old   nriasters,  37; 

Irish,  260 
Pants,  121, 137 
Paper,  substitutes  for,  61 
Paradox,  59,  231,  232 
Paragraphs,  62 
Parallel  case,  157 
Parasol,  147,  165 
Pardon,  184,  271 
Parish,  for  the,  198 
Parliamentary  (Legislation)  26, 

81,  87,  120,  151,  166,  179,  196, 

210,  221,  222,  238,  255',  260, 

273,  276,  279 
Parson  (Minister  and  church) 
Part,  giving  a,  196 
Partially,  261 
Participate,  259 
Partington,Mrs.,158, 180, 196, 212 
Party,  at  the,  87 
Passenger,  (Railway)    65,    114, 

121,  280 
Paths,  untrodden,  171 
Paul,  St.,  261 
Paulding,  40 
Pauper's  graves,  150 
Pawn  tickets,  173 
Peace,  151,  263 
Pearl,  96 

Pearls  before  swine,  190 
Peck  baskets,  281 
Peasantry,  21,  130 
Peer,  161,  254 
Peg  or  two,  down  a,  132 
Penalty,  112,  185 
Penitentiary,  93 
Perfection,  simply,  266 
Performance,  101,  196,  240 


Perhaps,  261 

Perish  in  the  attempt,  271 

Peroration,  30,  47 

Personal  column,  108,  117,  237 

Petigru,  74 

Phoenicians,  252 

Photography,  122 

Phrases,  wrong  words  and,  63 

Physic,  273 

Physician,  15,  37,  45,  67,  81,  86, 
107,  124,  140,  156,  175,  181, 
188,  190,  202,  207,  2,31,  238, 
254,  259,  262,  263  261,  265, 
270,  281 

Physics,  statement  in,  147 

Physique,  273 

Piano,  139 

Pig-iron,  loaded  with,  28 

Pills,  3 

Pit,  bottomless,  123;  extraor- 
dinary, 121 

Places,  in  two,  158 

Plaster,  porous,  50 

Plato  and  Emerson,  109 

Pleasant  looking,  122 

Please,  anxious  to,  227 

Pleasure  and  trouble,  110 

Pliny,  153 

Plural,  in  the,  284 

Plurality,  O'Hooligan's,  217 

Pocket-book,  41 

Point  well  taken,  46 

Police,  28,  32,  97,  183,  202,  264 

Policy,  preventive,  16 

Politeness,  27 

Political,  65,  92,  103,  123,  150, 
191,  271,  276 

Polypodiums,  261 

Poor,  176,  209 

Pope  Clement  XIV.,  20 

Portraits,  104 

Postals,  12 

Posterity,  42,  243 

Posters,  puzzling,  39 

Posthumous,  200 

Postscript,  183,  188,  220 

Pours,  176 

Prairies,  139 

Prayer,  18,  24,  32,  61,  86,  110, 
132,  148,  160,  180,  208,  253, 
260,  275 


INDEX. 


299 


Preacher  (Minister  and  church) 

Precise,  134,  256 

Precision,  80,  134 

Predominance,  237 

Preface,  78 

Prejudice,  151 

Premium,  sure  of,  20 

Prepositions,  85 

Presbytery  of  St.  Andrews,  190 

Prescriptions,  3,  45,  60,  72,  107, 

127,  254,  265 
Presence,  237 
Present,  53 

Preservers,  life,  23,  246 
Prevention,  17,  242 
Prison,  Newgate,  246 
Prisoner  at  the  bar,  47,  261,  274 
Private  Atkins,  60 
Privileged,  35 
Prize  winner,  a,  20 
Pro  and  con,  264 
Procession,  sad,  61 
Proclamation,  203 
Professor,  29,  33,  67,  85, 125, 128, 

162,170,212,237,248,258 
Progeny  of  learning,  64 
Program,  130 
Prohibition,  16,  266 
Prominence,  176,  250 
Pronouns,  76,  226 
Pronunciation,  246 
Proof,  218,271 
Properly,  188 
Prosecuted,  shot  and,  262 
Protestant,  35,  196 
Proved  nothing,  198 
Proverbial,  bull,  176;  showman, 

36;  wisdom,  246 
Providence,  trusting,  142;  ways 

of,  244 
Pun,  189 
Punctuation,  17,  44,  50,  54,  71, 

110,  334,  192,  219,  221,  248 
Punishable  with  death,  179 
Pupils,  one  of  the,  241 
Putting  one's  foot  in  it,  141 

Q 

Quadrature,  famous,  145 
Quadrennial,  255 
Quadrupeds,  132 


Quaint  phraseology,  253 
Quandary,  in  a,  53 
Quart  bottles,  276 
Quarry  work,  283 
Quarter  sessions,  234 
Quarterly  meetings,  217 
Query,  a,  211 
Quotations,  familiar,  260 

R 

Rabbits,  223,  232 

Railway,  8,  39,  54,  60,  65,  114, 
158,  183,  223,  234,  235,  246, 
253,  262,  267,  275,  280,  282 

Rain,  176,  230,  264 

Rapturous  exclamation,  149 

Rascal,  35 

Rat,  smell  a,  219 

Rates,  water,  16 

Rats,  78,  223 

Raub,  135 

Reader,  209,  268 

Rearranged,  271 

Rebellion,  Irish,  91 

Receipt,  27,  106 

Recognition,  219 

Recollect,  94 

Recommendation,  100, 168 

Record,  a  war,  64 

Recovery,  fearing,  196 

Rectitude,  path  of,  30 

Redeeming  character,  47 

Reductio  ad  absurdurn,  242 

Redundancy,  223 

Reform,  dress,  270 

Refusing  to  answer,  185 

Regrets,  3,  206,  261,  284 

Relative,  distant,  138 

Religion  (Minister  and  church) 

Remainder,  preserving  the,  196 

Remains,  215 

Remember,  94,  126 

Reminder,  123,  219 

Removing  the  capitol,  30 

Rent,  51,  89,  200,  227,  253 

Repeal,  211 

Repetition,  115 

Reports,  57,  191 

Republican,  252 

Request,  a  modest,  65 

Resemblance,  43,  134,  218,  238 


300 


INDEX. 


Residue,  235 

Resolutions,  134,  180 

Respected,  121 

Respiration,  236 

Rest,  188, 195 

Returns,  many,  165 

Reverse,  59,  103 

Revolution,  136,  277 

Rheumatism,  72 

Right,  about  face,  148;  all,  265 

Riot,  149, 171,  235 

Rise  in  the  Seine,  108 

Riser,  an  early,  244 

River,  Tombigbee,  40 

Robbery,  71,  110,  233,  242 

Robinson,  269 

Roche,  Boyle,  21,  25,  42,  65,  66, 

91,    123,   130,   144,   158,  196, 

210,  219,  278,  279 
Rochester,  Bishop  of,  130;  Lord, 

189 
Rogers,  the  poet,  97 
Roll,  calling  the,  53 
Roof,  on  the,  32 
Rooms,  89,  97, 145 
Root,  150 

Ruined,  bound  to  be,  88 
Rules,  enforcing  the,  141,  166, 

240;  old  English,  74 
Rum,  missionary,  226 
Rumor,  a  false,  213 
Run  away,  66 
Runs  down,  40 

S 

Safe  key,  242 

Said,  50,  231 

Sailor,  154, 165 

Sale,  147, 185 

Sashes,  window,  183 

Satisfaction,  guaranteed,  202 

Sayings,  familiar,  117,  176;  of 
great  men,  166 

Says  as  he  thinks,  70 

Scaffold,  on  the,  249 

Scarred,  16 

Scatter,  74, 197 

Scenes,  112 

Schedule,  213 

Scholarship,  specimens  of  Brit- 
ish, 251 


School,  humor  of,  10,  13,  18,  31 
33,  70,  75,  99,  172,  192,  273 

Science,  grammar  of,  37 

Scolopendrums,  261 

Scotland,  liking,  95 

Score,  keeping  the,  27 

Scoundrel,  73 

Scrubbing,  263 

Sea,  17,  175,  245 

Search,  a  fruitless,  217 

Seashore,  266 

Seats  for  ladies,  188 

Second,  98 

Secret,  151, 164,  255 

Secretary's  blunder,  195 

Seelye,  President,  174 

Seine,  rise  in  the,  108 

Selwyn,  183 

Sense,  literal,  180;  more,  182 

Sentence,  life,  41,  47,  111;  end- 
ings, 84 

Sentences,  a  judge's,  47, 261, 267 

Sentinel,  132,  242,  268 

Sequitui',  non,  209,  211 

Sergeant,  a  drill,  148 

Sermon  (Minister  and  church), 
14, 112,  138,  199 

Servant,  34,  102,  124,  143,  144, 
145,  147,  169,  185,  220,  223, 
225,  258,  259,  265 

Sessions,  quarter,  234 

Sewer,  in  the,  154 

Sexes,  48,  104, 108^ 

Sexton,  well-meaning,  218 

Shaken,  to  be  well,  127 

Shakespeare,  78, 108, 152, 198, 259 

Shall,  will  and,  58 

Share,  the  governor's,  235 

Shaving,  5,  41 

Sheep,  3,  182 

Sheridan,  157 

Shilling,  85 

Ship,  149,  228 

Shipwreck,  28,  138,  228 

Shoemakers,  rival,  36 

Shoes,  84,  87,  174,  266 

Shot,  and  prosecuted,  262;  by 
the  peasantry,  130;  off,  154 

Shooting,  195,  282 

Shouts  of  ten  thousand,  191 

Showman,  proverbial,  36 


INDEX. 


301 


Shrieks  of  the  dead,  154 

Shut,  with  his  eyes,  214 

Shutter,  on  a,  63 

Sick,  14,  193 

Sickly,  very,  103 

Sight,  grand,  37;  melancholy,  38 

Sign  lore,  4  8,  19,  20,  22,  25,  36, 
55,  77,  79,  111,  115,  121,  131, 
137, 140, 166, 185, 193, 209, 2.33, 
240,  249,  251,  263,  274,  281, 
282, 284 

Silence,  15, 171,  269 

Similar,  54, 137 

Simplicity  of  style,  245,  278 

Simultaneous,  9 

Sinecure,  221,  235,  268 

Single,  misfortunes,  130;  still, 
212 

Sins,  86, 113 

Sister,  202,  228 

Sitting,  244 

Situation,  Bridget  McN's,  6 

Size,  life,  266,  272 

Skeleton,  167,  218 

Skins,  their  own,  274 

Slavery,  134 

Sleep,  72,  81, 148,  197,  256 

Slips,  42,  43, 113,  256 

Slow,  250 

Smith,  48,  181,  285 

Smoking,  275 

Snoring,  61 

So,  223 

Soak,  in,  102 

Soap  advertisement,  29 

Sober,  one  must  be,  255 

Social,  event,  194;  slips,  42,  43 

Society,  134;  beneficial,  133; 
secret,  167 

Socks,  72 

Soldier,  (Army  and  navy) 

Son,  152 

Sonnet,  211 

Sorry,  90,  116, 223 

Sou  they,  the  poet,  72 

Specific  words,  131 

Specimens  of  British  scholar- 
ship, 251 

Speechless,  73,  193 

Spelling,  103,  118,  232,  234,  265 

Sphinx,  207 


Spirit,  invisible,  2 

Spiritualism,  176 

Spurgeon,  40,  242 

Squad,  in  the,  34 

Stages,  by  easy,  60 

Stamps,  231,  260 

Standing,  2,  37,  244 

Starving,  81,  175 

Statement,  46,  111,  120, 236,  264, 

267,  268 
Station,  heard  in  a,  253 
Statute  (Legislation)  228 
Steal,  163 

Steele,  Sir  Richard,  6 
Steeple,  church,  98 
Stephen,  63 
Stilted  expression,  20 
Stones,  129,  280 
Stove,  economical,  93 
Stream  of  time,  93 
Strikes  first,  70 
String,  bit  of,  191 
Strong  as  an  ox,  153 
Students,  high,  13 
Studies,  useful,  192 
Style,  latest,  174;  simplicity  of, 

245, 278 
Substitute,  61 
Success,  233 
Successors,  175 
Such,  223 

Suffered  everything,  201 
Suggestion,  a  fit,  61 
Suicide,  4,  14, 161,  179,  257,  271 
Suit,  114 

Suimna  diligentia,  58 
Summary,  31 
Summer,  a  cold,  213 
Sun,  122,  140,  267 
Sunday,  every,  133;  school,  70 
Sunset,  122 
Superb,  164 
Sujjerlatively  loyal,  254 
Sure,  as  eternity,  163;  doubly, 

152 
Surgeon  (Physician) 
Survive,  273 
Survivors,  87 
Swearing,  184;  245 
Sweet  jewel,  245 
Swim,  ashore,  139;  we  apples,  116 


302 


INDEX. 


Swindler,  another,  65 
Swine,  pearls  before,  190 
Swinton,  24 
Sword  in  one  hand,  278 
Sympathetic,  69,  102,  111 


Table  d'hote,  263 

Tactful,  not,  280 

Talk,  walk,  nor,  158 

Tall,  always,  204 

Talleyrand,  218, 

Talmud,  60 

Tangled  opening,  392;  some- 
what, 148 

Tariff,  93,  219 

Taxes,  2,  21,  129, 170 

Tea,  72,  90 

Teacher,  160, 224,  271 

Teaching,  55,  99,  100,  220,  224 

Tears,  leaving  in,  29 

Teetotaler,  a,  93,  273 

Telegraphic,  81,  99, 122, 179,  212, 
250 

Temperance,  (Intemperance) 
lecture,  120;  meeting,  4; 
men,  22 

Tenderness,  mixed,  29 

Tennyson,  54 

Tenses,  harmony  of,  74 

Tenths,  128,  239 

Terrors,  king  of,  178 

Test,  a  weak,  202 

Testimony,  3,  25,  51,  78,  178, 
235,  262 

Text,  29,  97,  206 

Thackeray,  89 

Thanks,  83, 149,  219,  232 

Theatre,  a  crowded,  240 

Thick,  46 

Thin,  46,  239 

Thinks,  says  as  he,  70 

Thorns,  286 

Three  R"s,  225 

Throne,  on  the,  148 

Thunder  and  -lightning,  39 

Tickets,  31,  65,  68,  143,  154,  173 

Ticknor,  201 

Tillston,  226 

Time,  5,  85,  93,  120,  140,  168, 
173,  218,  270 


Tipstaff,  195,  200 

Tipsy,  58,  137 

Title,  infringing  the,  50 

Tithes,  raising  the,  239 

Toast,  26, 188,  190,  285 

Tobacco,  56,  96,  170 

To  let,  156,   170,  200,  253,  264; 

Tomorrow,  72,  144,  198 

Together,  66 

Tombigbee  River,  40 

Tombstone  (Epitaph  literature) 

Tone,  a  low,  55 

Topsy,  like,  174 

Townsend,  61,  210 

Trade,  very  dull,  130 

Training,  over,  241 

Transitions,  abrupt,  274 

Translation,  58 

Transpositions,  19,  82,  86,  198, 

208 
Treatment,  too  much,  214 
Trembling  in  their  shoes,  123 
Trevor,  285 
Trigonometry,  182 
Trip,  a  wonderful,  89 
Trouble  and  pleasure,  110 
Trousers,  254 
Trunk,  an  Irish,  279 
Trust,  no,  258 
Trusting  Providence,  142 
Truth,  32,  79,  122,  136,  159,  172, 

237 
Tuesdays  and  Thursdays,  169 
Turner,  134 
Twain,  Mark,  209 
Twenty  and  ten,  115 
Twinkling  of  an  eye,  168 
Two,  as  one,  172;  of  a  kind,  37, 

225 
Typographical,  15,  16,  19,  39,  54, 

57,  101,   139,   168,   177,  204, 

272 
Tyrant,  136 

U 

Unanimity,  255 
Unanimous,  180 
Uncertainty  of  life,  203 
Uncle  or  aunt,  285 
Unconscious,  14 
Understanding,  no,  280 


INDEX. 


303 


Undertaker,  51, 137,  255,  261 

Unfortunate,  6,  104,  217 

Uninhabited,  110 

Union,  the  Irish.  210 

Unmarked,  90 

Unsaid,  better  left,  42,  43,  104, 

107,  122,  IGl,  230,  250 
Unscrupulous,  50,  244 
Unseen  powers,  128 
Untrodden  paths,  171 
Use  of  specific  words,  131 
Useful  studies,  192 
Usher,  an  Irish,  66 
Usurped  the  office,  28 

V 
Vacant,  231 
Vaccination,  129 
Valleys  and  hills,  210 
Vassar  criticisms,  243 
Venice,  letter  from,  147 
Venom,  180 
Venus  and  Adonis,  77 
Veracity,  truth  and,  79 
Verbal,  28,  210,  218 
Verdicts,  37,  41,  44,  50,  140,  220, 

245 
Version,  158 
Vessel,  2 

Vestry,  by  order  of,  194 
Veteran,  16,  202 
Veterinary,  202 
Veto,  182 
View,  75, 112 
Virgil,  22,  38 
Virtue,  life  of,  268 
Visiting,   cards,   173;    London, 

152 
Vocabulary,  232 
Void,  'tis,  199 
Voyagers,  62 

W 

Wade,  Marshal,  241 
Wages,  115, 120 
Waiter,  a  Highland,  9 
Wake,  an  Irish,  256 
Walk,  2,  158,  181 
Walpole,  38 

Walsh,  72,  136, 166,  181,  235 
Wanted,  97,  100,  126,  155,  165, 
172,  244,  249,  255,  283 


War  (Army  and  navy) 

Ward,  Artemus,  49,  177,  209 

Warning,  a,  139 

Warranty,  265 

Wash  and  iron,  126 

Washerwoman,  his  own,  53 

Water,  melon,  121;  rates,  16; 
water,  193 

Waters,  troubled,  5 

We,  264 

Wear  like  iron,  231 

Weary,  77 

Weather,  14,  38,  239 

Wedding,  a  colored,  84 

Week,  holy,  112 

Well,  278;  bull  in  the,  127 

Wellington,  Duke  of,  171 

Wendell,  254,  284 

Wet  and  dry,  276 

Wharf  notice,  73 

Wheatley,  57 

When  taken,  127 

Which  one,  233 

Whisky,  83 

Whisper  to  the  judge,  185 

White,  all,  182;  lie,  259 

Whole,  giving  up  the,  196 

Whom,  by,  83 

Widow,  95,  118,  245,  279 

Widower,  190 

Wife  (Marriage),  18,  27,  104, 
159, 181 

Wilkes,  243 

Wilkins,  236 

Will,  and  shall,  58,  88;  Irish- 
man's, 21 

Wind,  but  little,  239 

Winding,  without,  131 

Wine,  106 

Wire,  invisible,  160 

Wisest  man,  the,  186 

Wisdom,  proverbial,  246 

Wit,  logic  of,  33 

Witness,  14,  16,  46,  48,  51,  136, 
226 

Woman,  26, 169 

Women,  manned  by,  2 

Wonders  never  cease,  171,  242 

Woodward,  Judge,  244 

Word,  act  and,  41;  believe  every, 
172 


304 


INDEX. 


Words,  63;   big,  214;   few,  192; 

misplaced,  188;  specific,  131; 

superfluous,    ^;    value    of 

small,  8 
Working  and  drinking,  4 
World,   leads  the,   12;   owning 

the,  156;  sad,  225 
Worm,  bleating,  249 
Worn  out,  124 
Wounded,  200,  239 
Written  for  amusement,  30 


Wrong  words  and  phrases^  63 
Wrongs,  silent  under,  69 
Wynn,  81 

Y 

Yankee,  trading  powers  of,  75 
Young  blood,  261 


Zeugma,  117 


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